Tell a Joke

ZZZ If sex with three people is called a threesome, and sex with two is called a twosome, I now know why you are called handsome.

ZZZ

Two guys meet, and one has a black eye




“What happened?” said the first.

“I was in church last Sunday and when we all got up to receive blessings I saw that the woman standing in front of me had her dress tucked between her butt cheeks. My first reaction was to reach out and pull it out. She turned around and punched me right in the face.”



A week later they meet again and then the same guy had, in addition to a fresh black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

“Now what happened?” Asked his friend.

“I was in church again last Sunday and this same lady was sitting in front of me. When she got up I saw that her dress was tucked again between her butt cheeks.”

“You didn’t pull it out again, did you?”

“No, but the guy next to me did. And I knew she didn’t like that so I shoved it back in

ZZZ
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So... what'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling...

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

ZZZ




Finish ??




A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"


She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."


Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"


And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."


Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!"


"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

Ups...

UPS


One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?” The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” ”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

ZZZ


LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 1)



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 2)



Little Kenny returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Kenny.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Kenny.





LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH



Little Kenny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Kenny says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Kenny, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Kenny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'






LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR



Little Kenny was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'No Kenny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Kenny thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'






LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Kenny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful'.




LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER



Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own fuckin' business.





YOU GOTTA' LOVE THE LITTLE BASTARD !!!

Tough Love

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But since it was payday and he
felt Spring in the air, instead of going home he stayed out the entire
weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting
his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

The man took just a moment to consider this and replied, "That would be
fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Comshaw

Comshaw said:

Tough Love

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But since it was payday and he
felt Spring in the air, instead of going home he stayed out the entire
weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting
his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would
you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

The man took just a moment to consider this and replied, "That would be
fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Comshaw

Click to expand...

ZZ
I did not see that coming.

If titties didn't have nipples - they'd be pointless!

Men Strike Back...

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

ZZZ
Q: Why does a blonde write TGIF on the inside of her shoes?


A: To remind her that Toes Go In First.

ZZZ


If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!




The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

A lizard walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!".

The lizard says "you have a drink named Steve"?


One of my favs

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called:Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have
sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called:Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called:Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

How many blondes does it take to go ice fishing? ....

Five ....

One to cut the hole in the ice ....

and 4 to push the boat through the hole.

2 consruction workers were working on a 5 story building. The worker on the 5th floor shouted to his buddy on the ground 'I need a saw!'. His buddy motioned like 'I can't hear you' Soo the the worker on the 5th floor pointed to his eye for 'I' then pointed to his knees for 'need' then motioned back n forth with his arm in a sawing motion for 'saw'. Immediately the worker on the ground whipped out his dick n started masturbating furiously! Well the 5th floor guy was infuriated n ran down to confront his co-worker. ' WAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!! I SAID I NEED A SAW!!' His co-worker replied ' I know dammit, I said I was COMING!'

RebelMac69 said:

2 consruction workers were working on a 5 story building. The worker on the 5th floor shouted to his buddy on the ground 'I need a saw!'. His buddy motioned like 'I can't hear you' Soo the the worker on the 5th floor pointed to his eye for 'I' then pointed to his knees for 'need' then motioned back n forth with his arm in a sawing motion for 'saw'. Immediately the worker on the ground whipped out his dick n started masturbating furiously! Well the 5th floor guy was infuriated n ran down to confront his co-worker. ' WAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!! I SAID I NEED A SAW!!' His co-worker replied ' I know dammit, I said I was COMING!'

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I like this one.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says, “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

If two blind people are dating, are they actually seeing each other ?

SailorJerry said:

If two blind people are dating, are they actually seeing each other ?

Click to expand...

Not likely. ,, But they might be feeling each other.

shamelessZZZ said:

Not likely. ,, But they might be feeling each other.

Click to expand...

True, true.



A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door, carrying a case full of his wares for sale. But when the door opens, the salesman sees that it's a 6 year old kid wearing a fedora and sunglasses, holding a lit cigar in one hand, and a double rum and coke in the other.

Startled, the salesman asks the kid, "Are your parents home ?".

To which the kid answers, "Does it fucking LOOK like it ?".