A Successful Open Relationship

ElectricGinger

Really Experienced
Joined
Sep 27, 2010
Posts
204
Hey everyone,

This is my first real return to Lit after removing my pics from the pic forum.

I really wanted to see what everyone thought of this topic. Nestle and I have recently entered into a sexually open relationship and actually feel like it has strengthened our relationship in spite of the horror stories and reasons not to that everyone always hears. We actually started off of a random conversation topic. I had been snowed in during the crazy winter storm that the hit the Midwest a few weeks ago and was thus watching a lot of television :) A preview for the movie "Hall Pass" came on, and I asked Nestle's opinion of the concept.

We started out talking hypothetically, and both of us agreed that it's not necessarily a bad idea for some couples. At first, he said he didn't think we'd be able to do it, being head over heels in love. But when the conversation became a little more of a realistic possibility, we agreed that we could try it.

That happened on a Monday, and on Tuesday night I was headed over to a friend's house. Nestle told me to make it happen. Since then, we've both gone out to experience other people. I know that at this point we sound crazy, but it has been the most helpful thing in combating the distance (of 1,000+ miles) between us while I'm at school.

So far I've hooked up with two other people, both good friends of mine. The sex wasn't great (and was only even there with one), but the experiences themselves have been exhilarating. Both the guys knew the situation and there was no awkwardness involved whatsoever. But it was crazy to get that rush of nerves that always accompanies that first-time hookup.

I encouraged Nestle to go meet a girl. He did, at a lounge, and has seen her twice since. He said that the first time he experienced a guilty feeling when he left, and was nervous to tell me, but both times the experience has been good.

We really make this work. There are definitely rules, though:

- We always know about all hookups
- We answer any questions
- If at any point one of us is uncomfortable with it, it ends
- If any feelings come up in one of the hookups, we'll tell each other and end that particular outlet
- We talk through anything that breeds uncertainty

It's really been a liberating experience. Nestle has said that it's the most relaxing thing he can do while I'm away. Because, let's face it, neither of us are fully satisfied with the DIY method ;-)

The best part about it is that it's opened up this new level of trust and strength in our relationship. We have so much trust between us that neither of us has expressed a worry about our relationship and if someone will leave. It's born out of a desire for the other to enjoy themselves, and it's really worked. And, I've even found that hearing about his adventures is really sexy to me, and usually ends with some great phone sex :)

Nestle has been absolutely encouraging this whole time. He encourages me to talk to guys, to get things started, to enjoy myself and to explore, to learn about myself. And I've been supportive of him as well. It's really something that shows me that we have a really strong relationship.

So I was just wondering, what's your view? Have you tried it? Are you for an open relationship? Against? Do you think there are things we need to look into improving or that it's a mistake at all? Be completely honest with what you think about it! We welcome the input.

Sorry this was so long!
 
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ginger, welcome back! i don't usually hang out in ampics so i missed your thread, i'm afraid.

electricginger queried:
so i was just wondering, what's your view? have you tried it? are you for an open relationship? against? do you think there are things we need to look into improving or that it's a mistake at all. be completely honest with what you think about it! we welcome the input.
my view is that this can work well for some couples--but that isn't the majority. i'm glad this is working for both of you. the people on lit who've done this agree that there's gotta be complete transparency about it.

my wife & i used to use a form of it: she's bi, and she has my OK to be with another woman if she wants. it's not like i can offer her what a woman can, after all! i understand it's about sex, not love--and really, it's the love that matters to me. she hasn't chosen to exercise that freedom for some time, and that's also OK.

if you're interested, in the blank manual thread, this specific post lists several threads in which the subject is addressed.

ed
 
<snip>Have you tried it?

We talked about it several times over. Thought long and hard about it. Danced right up to the line, but never over it. In the end, we decided it wasn't for us. One factor that weighed heavily in the decision: we have kids who are still at home. So if something went sideways between us, we'd not be the only ones affected. The risks to the family unit as a whole far outweighed any possible benefits.

Are you for an open relationship? Against?

I think this is something that people have to decide for themselves. As long as everyone involved consents to the terms, my opinion is that it doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks.

Do you think there are things we need to look into improving or that it's a mistake at all? Be completely honest with what you think about it! We welcome the input.

That's completely out of my realm of experience, so I think I'll let the more experienced folk answer that. Best of luck to you and Nestle as you set off on this adventure. :)
 
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I wish you the best as you both explore and would love to keep tabs on you as you go on your journey.

I have little of my own experience to offer in this area but I did a lot of research and joined a yahoo polyamory group. My conclusion is that it will take a lot of discipline not to get jealous or hurt but there are many couples who are mature enough to work through the issues.

The key is love and respect with excellent communication. And a respect for your partners as well.
 
<snip> My conclusion is that it will take a lot of discipline not to get jealous or hurt but there are many couples who are mature enough to work through the issues.

[\mini hijack]

I've seen the word mature used as above in many a discussion regarding open relationships and it always strikes me as....off. As if those who decide monogamy is the route for them are somehow less mature than those who choose polyamory. I've also seen it flow the other way, wherein those who choose polyamory are perceived to be incapable of any "real" depth of feeling for their partners. It honestly puzzles me as to why there is such an "us" vs "them" mentality.[/hijack]

Note: this is meant as a general comment and not as a verbal attack on one particular person
 
[\mini hijack]

I've seen the word mature used as above in many a discussion regarding open relationships and it always strikes me as....off. As if those who decide monogamy is the route for them are somehow less mature than those who choose polyamory. I've also seen it flow the other way, wherein those who choose polyamory are perceived to be incapable of any "real" depth of feeling for their partners. It honestly puzzles me as to why there is such an "us" vs "them" mentality.[/hijack]

Note: this is meant as a general comment and not as a verbal attack on one particular person

First, I can definitely understand why it wouldn't be an option for you with your kids. In fact, Nestle and I don't plan to continue it once we're together; it's strictly for the distance.

Second, I can see what was meant by mature... Not necessarily that either monogamy or polyamory takes more mature than the other, but that if issues pop up, couples involved in an open relationship need to be mature enough to work through them, or else it would probably be the end of their relationship altogether.

Thanks for all input!! We definitely feel like there is a ridiculously huge amount of trust between us, which is one reason this is possible right now.
 
I wish you the best as you both explore and would love to keep tabs on you as you go on your journey.

I have little of my own experience to offer in this area but I did a lot of research and joined a yahoo polyamory group. My conclusion is that it will take a lot of discipline not to get jealous or hurt but there are many couples who are mature enough to work through the issues.

The key is love and respect with excellent communication. And a respect for your partners as well.

Also, in our experience I would say it's less about "discipline" than it is about love, trust and wanting the best for the other.

Thanks for all the replies so far.
 
This kind of sounds like a Seinfeld episode. Jerry and Elaine decide to start having casual sex with each other instead of just being "friends". They made rules in order for it to work. The rules eventually didn't work out. Good luck but often the best made plans.................
 
I'm a bit dismayed to see no mention of disease prevention in your agreement.

Agreed. Regular STD screens are a must for you guys. You also need family planning contingency plans.

I'm glad this has built trust for you guys but bear in mind that while hookups are fun, HIV and unplanned pregnancy are not.
 
I'm a bit dismayed to see no mention of disease prevention in your agreement.

I guess we figured that part was a given?

We're smart people. My hookups are people I know well, not just any guy off the street. And condoms are definitely a part of the agreement.
 
We really make this work. There are definitely rules, though:

- We always know about all hookups
- We answer any questions
- If at any point one of us is uncomfortable with it, it ends
- If any feelings come up in one of the hookups, we'll tell each other and end that particular outlet
- We talk through anything that breeds uncertainty

It's really been a liberating experience. Nestle has said that it's the most relaxing thing he can do while I'm away. Because, let's face it, neither of us are fully satisfied with the DIY method ;-)

Sounds great. Looks like you and Nestle have thought this through and have a good relationship. More couples should be this mature.
 
Sounds like you have thought it through.. I wish you the best of luck.

Personally its not something I could ever start a relationship out with.. Now after being together 20+ years with my husband, I can honestly say I trust him 100% and we have had 3somes and enjoy them..


The biggest thing is you have to Communicate then you shall be fine...
 
Sounds like you have thought it through.. I wish you the best of luck.

Personally its not something I could ever start a relationship out with.. Now after being together 20+ years with my husband, I can honestly say I trust him 100% and we have had 3somes and enjoy them..


The biggest thing is you have to Communicate then you shall be fine...

I absolutely agree. We have been together almost two years now, and trust came really quickly to us, compared to most couples I know. But yes, communication is the most important thing in our opinion.
 
ginger, welcome back! i don't usually hang out in ampics so i missed your thread, i'm afraid.


my view is that this can work well for some couples--but that isn't the majority. i'm glad this is working for both of you. the people on lit who've done this agree that there's gotta be complete transparency about it.

my wife & i used to use a form of it: she's bi, and she has my OK to be with another woman if she wants. it's not like i can offer her what a woman can, after all! i understand it's about sex, not love--and really, it's the love that matters to me. she hasn't chosen to exercise that freedom for some time, and that's also OK.

if you're interested, in the blank manual thread, this specific post lists several threads in which the subject is addressed.

ed
The people on lit don't even agree on anything. I have serveral open relationships with pretty much no rules other than practicing safe sex. It's worked just fine for me over the last 7 years.
 
The people on lit don't even agree on anything.

Where are you getting that from? Like Ed, from what I've seen, people here agree there has to be transparency for open relationships to work well, which is something I'm sure even you can agree with (you make it clear to your partners that you have no intention of being monogamous from the start, right?).

Or maybe it's just that you rarely agree with what anyone else says, or you nearly always want to contradict/argue with what others say, which gives you the false impression that people here never reach a consensus?
 
No, I just, apparently, misunderstood the definition of transparency. I do make it clear that I have no intention of being monogamous. From what I've seen, though, transparency tends to mean requiring a list of the people you want to fuck for your partner(s) to review and approve. My partners and I don't have a primary partner in many cases and certainly don't have to get prior approval. We usually just share stories if they're particularly awesome.
 
No, I just, apparently, misunderstood the definition of transparency. I do make it clear that I have no intention of being monogamous. From what I've seen, though, transparency tends to mean requiring a list of the people you want to fuck for your partner(s) to review and approve. My partners and I don't have a primary partner in many cases and certainly don't have to get prior approval. We usually just share stories if they're particularly awesome.

Then you're being transparent, or not hiding, your intentions. Where you and your partners take it from there is up to you all. When they ask about safer sex between you and other people, and you agree on practicing it with them, you're being transparent regarding your practices and agreements.

Transparency is simply practicing with complete openness and honesty. Negotiation and agreements or rules have to do with the specific details of how the relationship(s) will work, even if the agreement is "I won't ask you details about your relationships/encounters, and you won't share such details with me." Lists, approval, veto power, rules regarding fluid bonding and safer sex, what those involved will and won't talk about, etc., all fall under "negotiation and agreements/rules," and are specific to each relationship. Your relationships and mine can both be transparent, but we can have vastly different styles and agreements with our partners. Similarly, different relationships within a network can have different negotiations and rules while all are transparent (i.e. everyone knows the relationship style(s) from the very start).

There are MANY flavors of open relationships/responsible nonmonogamy. What all of the successful ones have in common is transparency (I put communication under that umbrella). If transparency isn't present, it's just lying and cheating.

I've learned a ton from reading up on responsible nonmonogamy and my local poly community and online discussion list. You might find similar resources interesting; it never hurts to see how other people think about and practice this stuff.
 
Oh, I know all of that, actually. I think there's just some confusion out there about what the word transparency means. :D It's not the first time I've said something stupid because I wasn't clear on a single word. It's no different than all the "gay" guys around here that like women, too, or all the straight but X guys on lit.
 
infinity quoth:
from what i've seen, though, transparency tends to mean requiring a list of the people you want to fuck for your partner(s) to review and approve.
yep, i'd say that was a simple misunderstanding. :>

ed
 
Think it's great that opening your relationship is working so well for you. My only concern from the OP was that you were being honest with your other partners but a latter point suggests that's the case.

I've been in an open relationship for a number of years now. It works differently than yours, it's more polyamory, but open relationships come in different formats. For me, I can't see not being in an open relationship.
 
I agree that they come in all forms. We're even on a break from it right now... Best to let that frustration build up for our reunion in 13 days ;-)

We have made sure our other partners know that we're in a committed relationship. Like I mentioned, mine have been close friends and know the situation. For Nestle, he told the girl about me before doing anything.

We're as honest with other people as we are with each other.

Now, we've only been at this about a month, so we'll see if it turns out as successful as it is now :)
 
In my experience, I'll say that it can work as long as both people are open-minded, and the most important thing, that they communicate.

I have a FWB, who like me, is married. Before we did anything, I told her that "some people are not monogamous, and I happen to be one of them." I told her everything about me so that if she was going to have a problem with it, things would end before they ever started, and it would be less painful for everyone involved.

She seemed a bit shocked, maybe even a little hurt at first, but she decided to see where it went. We've had all kinds of crazy fun together, including our first mff threesome. Of course, there were a few rough spots along the way, like the second time we did that, she got a bit freaked out in the middle of it all, and got up and started to leave. It took some time to calm her down, but the fact that I actually stopped in the middle of what I was doing and came after her meant a lot. I wasn't even going to ask her to do it again after that, but the next time the possiblity presented itself, she suggested we go for it, and everything was great. We each came twice, for a total of six orgasms.
 
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