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Old 08-15-2018, 05:35 AM   #1
sydneyguy8
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Smile First Story: Thai Staff Deep Throat White Cock

I would love to receive any feedback or thoughts on my first story!

https://www.literotica.com/s/thai-st...oat-white-cock

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

Last edited by sydneyguy8 : 08-17-2018 at 06:29 AM.
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Old 08-15-2018, 05:54 AM   #2
electricblue66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sydneyguy8 View Post
I would love to receive any feedback or thoughts on my first story! I just submitted it to the moderators who will hopefully publish it on LE soon. In the meantime, you can read the full story here in Google Docs.

Can't wait to hear your feedback!
You shouldn't post a link to an off-site server. Please consider the implications if the story doesn't comply with Literotica's content rules...
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Last edited by electricblue66 : 08-17-2018 at 09:48 AM.
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Old 08-17-2018, 06:30 AM   #3
sydneyguy8
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Thanks for the heads up! I have replaced the link with the correct one.
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:27 PM   #4
hadruprider
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One thing that bugs me is the switching between past and present. It starts in the present tense (is..) and then goes into the past tense (swallowed).
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Old 08-17-2018, 09:17 PM   #5
thewinedarksea
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This is an odd story. It's a classic male fantasy told in the style of a book designed for pre-schoolers.

It's all matter-of-fact dialogue, simple motivations, a cheerful ending, and some Robert Munsch-esque alliterative onomatopoeias:
"Gak, gak, gak!" spluttered Saai.

"Ugh, ugh, uggh!" choked Mai.
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Old 08-19-2018, 08:57 PM   #6
Chiriko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewinedarksea View Post
This is an odd story. It's a classic male fantasy told in the style of a book designed for pre-schoolers.

It's all matter-of-fact dialogue, simple motivations, a cheerful ending, and some Robert Munsch-esque alliterative onomatopoeias:
"Gak, gak, gak!" spluttered Saai.

"Ugh, ugh, uggh!" choked Mai.
I'd have to agree with this, I feel like we read erotic stories for the realism and the imaginative scenarios, but this story really kinda reads like a vanilla porn plot.
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:09 PM   #7
Emirus
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Exactly where are they?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sydneyguy8 View Post
Can't wait to hear your feedback!
Sheís inside her glasses? He dragged her in to a nearby empty storage room? How does he know thereís a store room? How does he know the storage room is empty? Presumably heís got xray vision? The cleaner stumbles into reception and sees them. Reception has moved into the storage room? Are we in City Apartments because when the tourist arrives we are apparently in a store? Where is the non consent? He doesnít appear to force them to suck his cock they seem to be quite enthusiastic about it.

The things Iíve mentioned are stupid elementary mistakes. You should read through what youíve written before submitting it.

Why would a reader email you? Anyone who wants to comment does it in this thread. Presumably thatís why you started it. Iíd rewrite it and submit an edit.
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Hela is a professional assassin and amateur Domme; Paddy is a loveable Irish vampire; Tom is a grieving widower; Cherry is not a loveable transsexual hooker; David and Diana are a formidable married Domme team. A mixed bunch of characters by any standards.

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