Second chapter

storm_usmc

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Nov 4, 2007
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Got a little bit of block on the second chapter of my latest story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-bet-ch-01-12

I'm thinking of taking it in an unusual direction. Besides adding some more fantasies and stuff I want to have male lead take female lead to a friends art gallery opening where they tie her naked as an art display. Any thought?
 
I'm just gonna give my opinion of the first chapter overall. Please don't take this as me just ripping your story apart for no reason, I really am just offering my vision.

First, I think that making references to a specific sports event dates any story significantly. Most people didn't know who Ronda Rousey was before she blew up on the internet, and she might well be just as easily forgotten in another year. If you must discuss sporting events, just make something up. Mentioning Ronda Rousey isn't important to the story whatsoever.

As I keep reading, I kinda wonder who these characters are and why I should care about them. Who is Michael? What kind of person is he? Who's this girl he's betting with? Why do I care what happens to either of them? I think building the characters would benefit the story greatly.

Were they really trash talking each other for HOURS? Why?

Was the brand of beer important?

It would probably behoove you to describe the girl and Michael at some point. I don't even know her name at this point in the story, and I don't know if she's "hot" to me because I don't know what she looks like. She could be a BBW with three tits. That's hot to someone.

You have a lot of commas where there should be semicolons. Try to read your sentences aloud and see where you need to pause.

Found the description of her. I think that could be done way, way sooner. It's too far down - at that point, I would have already lost interest.

I don't feel any emotion in this at all. There's a disconnect from the characters and from the situation.

And then we see them watch the fight, which is summed up in the sentence "14 seconds later..."

It feels like this is a rushed setup to sex. Maybe some people like that, but I'm judging it as a fellow writer and a reader.

I'll keep going if you want but I'm not sure you do.
 
I haven't read it, but I'll chime in after Asbel and the reference to a sports event dating the story significantly.

No I don't know who Ronda Rousey is... but if I'm curious, I can easily look her up.

However... I enjoy being pulled into a world that I've never belonged to. So I think there is nothing wrong with references that date a story, personally I prefer it, in both historical and contemporary fiction, but more so in contemporary. It lets me know where the story sits on the history timeline. Classics are absolutely dated, but that's also part of their allure. Irrelevant or not, I would want a taste of the world as it is and not washed down to my modern sensibilities. So those dated details are either probably irrelevant, or they are a curiosity that might spike a readers interest.
 
Okay:

Michael comes across very sweet, especially when he gave her the option to back out of the arrangement, that was the point that started hooking me in. The back and forth banter of the bet was also done quite nicely. Regarding the opening, I gleaned that it was some MMA or boxing match. Though you jumped straight in the deep end with the dialogue. A little more context description would not go amiss I think.

I enjoyed the physical descriptions of him, his temperament, his OCD and his knowledge of bikes. They build an inviting personality.

But... the characterisation of her starting on page 3 really put me off. At that point I'd be done, so I skimmed the rest.

I'm thinking of taking it in an unusual direction. Besides adding some more fantasies and stuff I want to have male lead take female lead to a friends art gallery opening where they tie her naked as an art display. Any thought?

He seems to be in her pocket. I would not mind if Michael turned the tables on her a little, however, it's your story, so do as you see fit. :) Your readers will enjoy her as is.
 
Asbel

It's not that I mind you having an opinion, but I asked for some ideas and feedback on the 2d part. Not for feedback from the first.
 
I'm just gonna give my opinion of the first chapter overall. Please don't take this as me just ripping your story apart for no reason, I really am just offering my vision.

First, I think that making references to a specific sports event dates any story significantly. Most people didn't know who Ronda Rousey was before she blew up on the internet, and she might well be just as easily forgotten in another year. If you must discuss sporting events, just make something up. Mentioning Ronda Rousey isn't important to the story whatsoever.

As I keep reading, I kinda wonder who these characters are and why I should care about them. Who is Michael? What kind of person is he? Who's this girl he's betting with? Why do I care what happens to either of them? I think building the characters would benefit the story greatly.

Were they really trash talking each other for HOURS? Why?

Was the brand of beer important?

It would probably behoove you to describe the girl and Michael at some point. I don't even know her name at this point in the story, and I don't know if she's "hot" to me because I don't know what she looks like. She could be a BBW with three tits. That's hot to someone.

You have a lot of commas where there should be semicolons. Try to read your sentences aloud and see where you need to pause.

Found the description of her. I think that could be done way, way sooner. It's too far down - at that point, I would have already lost interest.

I don't feel any emotion in this at all. There's a disconnect from the characters and from the situation.

And then we see them watch the fight, which is summed up in the sentence "14 seconds later..."

It feels like this is a rushed setup to sex. Maybe some people like that, but I'm judging it as a fellow writer and a reader.

I'll keep going if you want but I'm not sure you do.

Or you could give me the advice I asked for...
 
Okay:

Michael comes across very sweet, especially when he gave her the option to back out of the arrangement, that was the point that started hooking me in. The back and forth banter of the bet was also done quite nicely. Regarding the opening, I gleaned that it was some MMA or boxing match. Though you jumped straight in the deep end with the dialogue. A little more context description would not go amiss I think.

I enjoyed the physical descriptions of him, his temperament, his OCD and his knowledge of bikes. They build an inviting personality.

But... the characterisation of her starting on page 3 really put me off. At that point I'd be done, so I skimmed the rest.



He seems to be in her pocket. I would not mind if Michael turned the tables on her a little, however, it's your story, so do as you see fit. :) Your readers will enjoy her as is.

Thank you for the information. I really appreciate it. I wanted to put a little humor in her personality. Being she's not a morning person.
 
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