The Sexy Adventures of Valerie Song

dongstar

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A while ago, a friend who is extremely successful at writing erotica and romance advised me that humor and sex don't mix.

I completely disregarded his advice and started writing the Valerie Song series. The first major arc, Valerie Song: Drama Bomb will be wrapping up soon and I'm interested in some more in depth feedback and discussion before I embark on the next arc.

Chapter 1 of Drama Bomb: https://www.literotica.com/s/valerie-song-drama-bomb-part-01

Valerie Song falls under the somewhat niche genre of hyper futanari (dickgirl) with expansion, excessive cum, growth and oversized penetration themes. If you are a fan of hentai comics, you will probably really enjoy Valerie Song. If you prefer more conventional erotica, then you may come away disoriented and confused.

I hope though that even if you can't jerk off to my stories, they can at least make you laugh.
 
Just read your story. It's completely fucking wild! Who ever told you that humour and sex dont mix was bullshitting you! Sex is one of the funniest things life throws at us! x
 
I feel sorry for your friend. If you aren't laughing at some point while fucking you are doing it wrong. I always include jokes and word play in my stories especially in the more ribald sections.

I will admit I am disapponited no one has commented positively or negatively on some of my puns.
 
Keep writing what you like and those that appreciate will find/follow. No story can please all people so why try? Part 1 was funny, all I read so far.

I always include jokes and word play in my stories especially in the more ribald sections.

I will admit I am disapponited no one has commented positively or negatively on some of my puns.

I hear that. Sometimes I'll get comments from those that appreciate a joke or pun while other times they are ignored, especially if sex content is high.
 
Laughing during sex seems a rather low level of sexual emotion during sex to me--which is OK as far as I'm concerned, but just OK. When I'm floating above the clouds in the throes of passion during sex, I'm not being amused.

If I'm taking a "standing back and looking at it" assessment of the sex act, it's pretty funny, yes. Unless the passion and/or heat of it is intense.
 
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So I saw that you said this was a comedy, and I thought Oh! I've done that! Now I'm curious!

...

Except it very quickly felt like you were ripping me off... Main character name is the same. Large, muscular woman. Futa. Comedy. Character's attitude and personality.

https://www.literotica.com/i/terrible-company-val

https://www.literotica.com/s/terrible-company-ch-01

I've been working on Terrible Company for over two years.

The more I read, the less I felt copied. The premises are different. The setting is different. The tone is different. It seemed much more likely that the similarities were merely a coincidence, or an homage at the outside, but I still had a weird feeling reading this, and I haven't resolved it.

I read up to Chapter 8. Not all the way, but a significant chunk of what is published so far. I do not have a problem admitting that, despite the fact that I was attempting to read this critically for the purposes of feedback, I couldn't help that it turned me on enough to masturbate and orgasm. Hyper Futas are one of those kinks that no matter how much I'm trying to dislike them, it still turns me on.

I don't like the humor. It's very on-the-nose. Some of the jokes are so direct and exaggerated that it's like you don't trust the reader to get them so you really just pile on the cheese.

It felt like you were trying to, with words, emulate the visual style of a graphic artist named Sparrow. If you don't know who that is, google her. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

The further I read, the more I understood that the humor you're going for is sort of driven by the... zany nature of the hyper kink. Like, you're swinging for the fences with that particular kink. Given the way you include some really impressive alliteration, and the generally well-written nature of the story, I really think you could pull off some VERY good subtle humor if you tried. It might be too late to start trying to sneak jokes past anyone in this particular story, but your next work could be helped by a dollop of restraint. Even if you're going the hyper route, there's room to turn down the zinger dial.

A lot of things you are trying to do are visual gags, and while I'm no stranger to incorporating the storytelling methods of different mediums, they get kind of lost in the shuffle because you are trying to make Every Single Line into a punchline. I know for sure that SOME of the stuff in there made me chortle, but I read it less than an hour ago and I couldn't tell you even one of the jokes that were successful because there were too many. You literally drowned yourself out.

Really well written. I can't say that enough. You clearly have some wordsmithing talent. With some experience and some polish, you could do much, much better.
 
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Follow up note:

As i said, your writing skill is your greatest strength. After some thought, I feel like pacing is your greatest weakness.

There is a fantastic video game out there called Left 4 Dead. It only has a few levels, but it has achieved a very long lifespan as a game because of it's revolutionary AI system. The AI, called The Director, attempts to emulate the pacing of movies to create a cinematic gaming experience. There are carefully coordinated peaks and valleys of action and tension that are driven by the way The Director reads stress in the players. It uses things like the twitchiness of their mice, as they look around, as a barometer for how panicked they are. Low panic/high level of comfort? Here comes a horde with some nasty special zombies. High stress/low level of comfort? Slow things down, and maybe give the players a few new weapons to get them feeling tough.

There are no valleys in Drama Bomb. From word one, the whole story is "on" in every aspect. That is exhausting for the reader. Find the brake pedal once in a while, because that makes the "on" parts much more memorable.
 
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Wow! This is really excellent feedback! I'm sorry I didn't get to read it until just now. I've started reading Terrible Company. I promise that any similarities are a complete coincidence. My stories are primarily inspired by an author named Sarkopheros and in fact even started out as fanfiction for one of his as-yet-unfeatured characters named "Shelby Kim" "Valerie Song" is the name I gave her when she took on a life of her own.

I'm definitely familiar with Sparrow's work and I draw a lot of inspiration from it.

I see what you mean about pacing as well. Writing chaper 9 has been an exhausting ordeal and I think it's because it's 15000 words of balls to the wall action from start to finish. I have a hard time staying focused on the next action sequence. My next story I will definitely take things slower and take some time to enjoy and explore the characters.

Thanks again for taking the time and making an effort to critique Drama Bomb, hopefully Val's next adventure can incorporate some of your insights:)
 
The final chapters of the Drama Bomb arc are up! Pls tell me what you think w/ feedback here or in the story comments section.

I've heard and acknowledge a lot of the great criticism AwkwardMD has offered so far in this thread. I wasn't able to incorporate all of their advice in these installments, but I've taken it to heart and am already happy with the results I'm seeing in the upcoming Valerie Song story I'm working on.
 
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