First Timer seeks feedback

Hi everyone. This is my first submission, can you please tell me what you thinj. If you have criticism please be constructive with it. Also, can you please tell me what this comment means: "you trail that coat very well". This commenter also said my story was lucid and intelligent, a good start. 73 HP

Thanks https://www.literotica.com/s/deepest-desires

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/coat-trailing?s=t

I'll look into your story later today and post some feedback, I know how important feedback on the first stories is.

I think for a first story you did a great job. The plot and characters seem realistic, and the MC likable.

Here's a few things that came to mind when I read it:

- I would have thought if they were friends, they would know that Alyssa was single. If not, they could ask if her boyfriend was coming to the bar. That would lead to Alyssa explaining her current social\sexual situation, or lack there of, and Bree asking her when she last got laid.

- Try to link the backstory to some action or dialogue, rather than laundry list it. The prose flows better that way. For example: you could use the type of dresses the girls choose, and use it to illustrate their character traits. Or have Bree say something and explain how she is a no nonsense person, then add on her other character traits and her physical description.

- Maybe when Alyssa protests about being set up, they tell (lie to) her, "Oh, no, we would never do something like that." And Alyssa isn't expecting Mason to show up at the bar. That would add some tension.

- I like they phone-left-on twist and how it sparks Mason's interest.

- There's a lot show not tell, especially in the bar scene. I think it needs more dialogue to show the character's personalities and how they interact, rather summarizing (telling) the conversation. Same thing with change room scene.

- The Favourite Fantasy question seems kind out of left field. It might work better if there were some tamer questions first -- like "What would your last meal be?" then "What would you be if you could be anything?" Maybe the reserved Sophia shocks them and tells them that she would be a stripper, and goes on to explain that she fantasizes about it. This would then lead to Favourite Fantasy question.

- Some people are not going to like that their is no actual sex in the chapter. I've faced that before. Of course, it's up to you how you want to pace the chapters.

Overall the writing quality is good. Good start. Keep writing.

I ditto most of what Dream Operator said. The most important thing is to cut back on the narrative summary.

I haven't read any of the other commentaries as to not cloud my judgement, so forgive if I'm repeating some things:

- I woud've loved more actual talking. Maybe it's just me, but why, how and when people say things interests me way more than what's going on at all times. This is not a movie, people don't need to know every detail of the surroundings.

- formatting: Blocks of text can be quite tiring to read and important nuances can get lost when you're writing this tightly.
Especially direct speech should almost always get their own line break in my opinion.

- The many points of view are confusing, but even more so boring: When you know exactly what everyone thinks and knows etc. the story has no tension.
Part of the fun in human interaction is the fact that everybody is talking, but nobody is telling everything. There's tons of hidden messages, hints, lies etc. Getting into the mind of someone who interprets these signs his own way is the fun part of reading a story.

You can then have a different point of view. This character might see things from a different angle that might collide and question the reader's first judgement.
But this second point of view should be either a third party observing the event or the second character narrating the event at a later point from his point of view. That can be interesting if it differentiates significantly.

As a general rule you only want to switch PoV during chapters. This way it's always clear who's talking.

Another rule is that the most interesting character in a story should never have a PoV:
This partly has to do with character flaws:
When you have a character that's absolutely flawless it's boring and unrealistic.
How can you still make him seem flawless as long as it's important to your story? You find someone who admires him and let that person describe your character.
Having prince charming himself go "oh, that perfect person she describes is actually me!" just comes off as arrogant, at least to me.

Just imagine this story from Alyssa's point of view:

> After confessing what her dream man looks like she hears the voice from the phone, only then realizing that someone has overheard them.
On the other side there's Andrew who promises he'll have a surprise for her when they meet in the afternoon.

> When Alyssa finally meets Prince Charming she's intrigued, but also unsure: Andrew's friend matches her preferences on the outside, but there's so much more to a person.
They get in a conversation that proves he's witty, charming, etc. etc.

> Slowly they get to know each other a bit better, but she still doesn't know how he is in bed (and how big his dick is since that seems important).

> Alyssa is embarrassed to admit her sexual fantasy. That's when it's prince charming's turn to show what an alpha he is:
He asks some minor questions. Maybe those are sexual, maybe they're seemingly unrelated. Afterwards he tells everyone his own fantasy:

> He describes fucking Alyssa (though he doesn't mention her name) in pretty much exactly the same way she would want to get fucked.
All the while he is looking directly into her eyes, not caring about what anybody else around them thinks.
This makes Alyssa go full-rubber and she has to steady herself though she tries to play it off. But there's no way of tricking Mr. Perfect, he's seeing right through her.

> What follows is a hot sex scene back at home or who-knows-where. Mr. P. makes Alyssa hot by telling her that since he heard of her this afternoon he has been building up his libido, he'll have more cum in him than she could possibly fit inside her/swallow.

> Alyssa is wet as a mermaid and admires how Mr. P. has managed to keep this cool the entire time. All the boys she knows were all about quick satisfaction, but this guy apparently could control himself.
As if he was reading minds he tells her that he won't give cum until she has cum x numbers of orgasms.

> After he managed to finish her in ways she thought were impossible he is finally ready to fill her up.
Now if you want to go more into the BDSM category you can make her beg for his cum. In that case it might suit him to bind her to the bedpost, too. It all depends on your personal preference really.



I let my fantasy escalate a bit with the last part, I won't tell you how to write your story. I still hope I could be helpful.

Thank you everyone for the feedback, you all make excellent points. Its really daunting writing for the first time and a bit of a challenge to know what to include, what areas to flesh out etc. Than you Crimson hellion, i like where you went with that. It gives me a lot to think about with my nect writing effort