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Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

SilverBass said:
Iamsubmissive said:
Oddly enough, I am this way in RL...I have many friends, or relatives even, that I go years without contact or returning calls just because life is busy and time flies. I assume they know I care, and when they confront me about it is always in a joking way. Plus, they know I'm flaky too. Buy with online people, a few days of no contact and I'm freaking out...go figure.[/QUOTE]

Makes PERFECT sense. I think because you know your RL relationships are based on reality and time and history together. Though real established relationships can certainly happen online, the foundation is often different and we all know that it would be so easy to just disappear from someone's life when all it has been is a cyber relationship. There is a certain insecurity there. In RL we know we can walk down the street and maybe run in to them, or the next town or we grew up with them or at work or wherever. There is THERE there. Online can feel like smoke and mirrors and *poof*. Makes sense to feel more insecure about online relationships.
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I guess it does make sense with the insecurity and the possibility of them just 'vanishing'. That hasn't happened to me yet but it is one of my biggest fears with this online relationship. Which was also another thing that freaked me out since I've NEVER been insecure before. I think that's why it seemed so confusing...because you can start feeling very out of character for yourself. All the discussion on this is helping me understand it more though. So I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

Also, now I feel a little guilty for giving my online friends more consideration than my very dear RL friends, even if it is understandable. I must remedy that right away! :)
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Iamsubmissive said:
SilverBass said:
I guess it does make sense with the insecurity and the possibility of them just 'vanishing'. That hasn't happened to me yet but it is one of my biggest fears with this online relationship. Which was also another thing that freaked me out since I've NEVER been insecure before. I think that's why it seemed so confusing...because you can start feeling very out of character for yourself. All the discussion on this is helping me understand it more though. So I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

Also, now I feel a little guilty for giving my online friends more consideration than my very dear RL friends, even if it is understandable. I must remedy that right away! :)
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Yes, I've enjoyed this thread too. Really for non-BDSM reasons, because really almost everything we have been talking about applies across the board for any sexual/romantic/emotional online relationship. Someone mentioned earlier in this thread about the additional elements of adding BDSM into it, but otherwise we may as well be talking about any long distance online dating site.

I think it is important what you just said. Having given your online friends more consideration than RL friends. That is part of the allure of the cyber world. Really I see it as so much easier to deal with than RL, in that we can get all wrapped up into something so emotionally charged and "easy" as finding a suitable partner online and then having anything available to us. Let me ask you this. Do you ever feel that if you do something in RL that people may judge you, or you may look foolish, or you don't want so and so to find out about you that way, or there is something you feel embarrassed about, or any of the other fears or hesitations we sometimes feel holding us back in RL? Are those same fears held up with online relationships? I don't think they are. I have already talked about some things online here to all you strangers that I have NEVER EVER said to anyone in my real world before. Granted I have not hung out in RL BDSM circles though but I still have several great friends I can talk about anything too, though not some of the stuff I have admitted here. Because there is less fear with online friends, because really, we have less truly invested in them inside the cyber world than we do in people in real life. There is so much freedom in that, and freedom is intoxicating.

You may fear your new cyber-Dom can go *poof* some day, but do you think you could ever go *poof* on him? It happens. Sometimes *poofing* is just easier than dealing with a more mature breakup. In cyberville it just takes blocking an e-mail or phone number or changing a username and you have disappeared. Hopefully no one exchanges physical addresses until you REALLY know and trust this person. Not just because they may be dangerous, but even if just hurt, you don't want tears showing up at your door. It is a cold world out there in cyberville, and so much easier to be cold with much less repercussions than in RL.

Now don't think I am being negative because that is not my intention. Cyber relationships can be great, but they need to be put into proper perspective. Keep that healthy balance and the pitfalls can be avoided.
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SilverBass said:
Let me ask you this. Do you ever feel that if you do something in RL that people may judge you, or you may look foolish, or you don't want so and so to find out about you that way, or there is something you feel embarrassed about, or any of the other fears or hesitations we sometimes feel holding us back in RL? Are those same fears held up with online relationships?

You may fear your new cyber-Dom can go *poof* some day, but do you think you could ever go *poof* on him?
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Honestly, I've never been afraid of how people might judge me, online or in real life. Anything I've said on this site, I would, and have, said to my RL friends. Well, my close friends...they know me and accept me as I do them. Acquaintances don't need to know my personal details, family members...well, I find that they don't really want to know the dirty little bits of your life, unless you need help or support. I would'nt be ashamed or embarrassed if they knew (even if they didn't really 'understand' it) but it might be awkward for them so I don't burden them with such things.

As for going *poof*...if I wanted to end things, I would carefully explain why in the most honest and sincere way possible. I would'nt want to hurt someone like that and I like having closure. I won't say that I 'expect' the same courtesy in return, but I would certainly appreciate it. And if for some reason they did go *poof* I'm confident enough to not blame myself...I'll just make up a reason for them...they got caught by their wife, they died in a car accident, got amnesia, hackers deleted all their accounts and they lost my contact info, or maybe they fell sooooo madly in love with me they couldn't think straight and ran away before they got hurt. (Any one of those are possible) :D
 
Iamsubmissive said:
As for going *poof*...if I wanted to end things, I would carefully explain why in the most honest and sincere way possible. I would'nt want to hurt someone like that and I like having closure. I won't say that I 'expect' the same courtesy in return, but I would certainly appreciate it. And if for some reason they did go *poof* I'm confident enough to not blame myself...I'll just make up a reason for them...they got caught by their wife, they died in a car accident, got amnesia, hackers deleted all their accounts and they lost my contact info, or maybe they fell sooooo madly in love with me they couldn't think straight and ran away before they got hurt. (Any one of those are possible) :D
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Of course most people are going to say that. They'd carefully explain things in an honest and sincere way. Sometimes that doesn't work and the person you are explaining it to just doesn't get it. How many people have been broken up with in cyberville and in RL by people who are caring and mature and sensitive to the feelings of who they break up with? Though there are some jerks out there, I'd say most, though the "dumpee" may disagree that it was an honest and sincere and gentle breakup. Let's say this person doesn't want to let you go. Or thinks you don't mean it, or is just dense, or is controlling (in a bad way)? After trying a few times to let him or her go gently, then more firmly, you may try a more drastic measure and just go *poof*. The other person at the other end is then wondering what just happened? I'm just pointing out another perspective. Hopefully we are all dealing with mature people on both ends that get it, and sometimes we are, sometimes we are not.
 
SilverBass said:
Of course most people are going to say that. They'd carefully explain things in an honest and sincere way. Sometimes that doesn't work and the person you are explaining it to just doesn't get it. How many people have been broken up with in cyberville and in RL by people who are caring and mature and sensitive to the feelings of who they break up with? Though there are some jerks out there, I'd say most, though the "dumpee" may disagree that it was an honest and sincere and gentle breakup. Let's say this person doesn't want to let you go. Or thinks you don't mean it, or is just dense, or is controlling (in a bad way)? After trying a few times to let him or her go gently, then more firmly, you may try a more drastic measure and just go *poof*. The other person at the other end is then wondering what just happened? I'm just pointing out another perspective. Hopefully we are all dealing with mature people on both ends that get it, and sometimes we are, sometimes we are not.
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Sure, not every explanation will be well received by the dumpee but at least an explanation was given. If they just don't get it...well, it isn't really going *poof* is it? They had fair warning you were done.
 
Iamsubmissive said:
Sure, not every explanation will be well received by the dumpee but at least an explanation was given. If they just don't get it...well, it isn't really going *poof* is it? They had fair warning you were done.
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Very true about fair warning, as long as it is understood. I just keep thinking about all the people who were pleasantly dumped and though sad, feel good about the method in which they were let go. I can't think of many. Seems as if most who are broken up with end up with whys and what happened and "all of a sudden". Always two sides, rarely seen the same way. Anyway, I still think cyber relationships are quite a bit of fun, I guess my point here was just a fair warning that though a connection online can certainly be real (has for me many times) the love and relationship part of the equation is a different animal than the equivalent in real life. Pros and cons of each, apples and oranges, dogs and cats. Don't take a bite out of an orange thinking you'll taste apple juice and let me know when your dog meows! :cattail:
 
SilverBass said:
Very true about fair warning, as long as it is understood. I just keep thinking about all the people who were pleasantly dumped and though sad, feel good about the method in which they were let go. I can't think of many. Seems as if most who are broken up with end up with whys and what happened and "all of a sudden". Always two sides, rarely seen the same way. Anyway, I still think cyber relationships are quite a bit of fun, I guess my point here was just a fair warning that though a connection online can certainly be real (has for me many times) the love and relationship part of the equation is a different animal than the equivalent in real life. Pros and cons of each, apples and oranges, dogs and cats. Don't take a bite out of an orange thinking you'll taste apple juice and let me know when your dog meows! :cattail:
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Funny but true...my dog meows all the time! She's tiny with a little 'voice' that sounds more like a cat than a dog :)
 
The strictly online says to me that one or both are married or in a relationship.
That also adds to the drama and emotion.
Am I wrong?
 
Farawyn said:
The strictly online says to me that one or both are married or in a relationship.
That also adds to the drama and emotion.
Am I wrong?
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I think that's probably true with many online only situations, and I agree being married or in another relationship would add to the drama...even if their partners were aware. But also, it might not be the only reason for strickly online. Maybe the two live half a world apart and don't have the resources to meet...there are probably a lot of other legit reasons too. I don't know.
 
Iamsubmissive said:
I think that's probably true with many online only situations, and I agree being married or in another relationship would add to the drama...even if their partners were aware. But also, it might not be the only reason for strickly online. Maybe the two live half a world apart and don't have the resources to meet...there are probably a lot of other legit reasons too. I don't know.
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I'm not judging. I'm not married now, but I had online relationships while I was. Just making a point that it can add to the stress. Especially if one is involved and the other isn't.
 
While I have never had a person I was in an on line D/s relationship go *poof* on me, I have had people I considered important friends go *poof* on me. If I had been wound up with such a person in a D/s kind of way - I think it would have been unbelievably damaging to my psyche.

I am someone who would never disappear on someone with whom I had established rapport with and thought I had developed a level of trust. I find that I am rather disturbed even when people with whom I thought I had one understanding with suddenly inform me that it is otherwise and I am to "go away now." It makes me feel like a crazy person. Like somehow every conversation I ever had with that person was in my head and that somehow I misread all the words and all the cues. It makes me second guess myself in a way that is very destructive to my sense of self and my ability to judge others in this whacky on-line environment.

I have had instances where people with whom I had regular contact here on Lit (friends), who for their own reasons needed to leave Lit/ take a Lit Break or whatever and told me before they were going. I have had other instances of people who, unbeknownst to me, changed the rules of how I was to interact with them only to find myself in trouble with them when I thought I was just behaving normally. But the *disappearing* act is THE WORST - all gone - all the accounts disabled, no way to reach them - as if they never existed in the first place. And - even worse, IMHO - is when these folks reappear months later with some kind of excuse or minimal apology attempting to reconnect again.

It is - idk... cowardly. Ick. And not okay. But - heavens knows it does happen.

If, holy cow, an On-Line PYL type did it to a pyl -or vis versa... OMG - I can hardly imagine the string of expletives strong enough for such behavior. :mad:
 
La damnee elle la licorne said:
Another situation to consider, not relationship but could be in poly situations but for me with friendships , keeping in touch with friends could very easily become a full time occupation. When pressed for time or sanity I choose open board posting. I figure this shows presence to all so noone is worrying, but I do recognise it's 'not intimate'. In closer friendships this can feel unsatisfactory or in a relationship this Would be unacceptable to many: even as I grow older my boundaries change. But I don't know how to deal with that issue.
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In my case, I completely lost my ability to be intimate on any level. It seems every time I gave any benefit of the doubt to someone, I was proved a fool, again. So yes, my early-Lit persona which was a tad less cynical..Is GONE.

At this point..I've got rules. Follow them or GTFO.

*Pulls blanket back over her head*

*Grumbling*
 
I've had plenty of people poof me.
I just assumed they had closure and I didn't, which isn't their problem.
It sucks, but not everyone is gonna care for me in the same way I do them. Oh well.
I concentrate on those who do love me.

ETA: Clarifying that the ones who poofed with NO explanation hurt. Badly. There were also people who told me that they were going to back off or told me to back off, and I didn't want to hear it, nor did I listen.
I thought I was entitled to more.
I wasn't.
I am learning to take people at face value.
 
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Farawyn said:
I've had plenty of people poof me.
I just assumed they had closure and I didn't, which isn't their problem.
It sucks, but not everyone is gonna care for me in the same way I do them. Oh well.
I concentrate on those who do love me.

ETA: Clarifying that the ones who poofed with NO explanation hurt. Badly. There were also people who told me that they were going to back off or told me to back off, and I didn't want to hear it, nor did I listen.
I thought I was entitled to more.
I wasn't.
I am learning to take people at face value.
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you entitled hussy, you..:mad:
 
La damnee elle la licorne said:
Actually, you are one of the someones I thought of while typing my post. You are so stalwart, consistent and dear and I feel like a dandelion seed in comparison. Going where the wind blows my mind.
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My dear...I know you are my friend... I do not need to be reassured about this. We​ talk when we need to. :heart:

cb :rose:
 
RubenesqueAphrodite said:
you entitled hussy, you..:mad:
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I AM entitled... I AM worthy of that kind of respect.
And yes you can fuck off if you can't give it to me.


EDIT: look...I'm not an idiot... I know you two were kidding around. And I appreciate that. But...for me...This stuff is not funny. And this seemed an opportunity to make a point. Perhaps I shouldn't have quoted you RA. Sorry if it was a mistake to do so. :heart:I appreciate you so much. Honestly, I do. cb
 
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Interesting how this conversation has evolved. I have disappeared for months at a time. I will admit it. Not proud of it. My earliest incarnation here at Lit colored everything I did throughout the years.

The place is a damn minefield. It also is a place where I have some very dear friends who have accepted my eccentric comings and goings.

When I came to Lit, I was weak. I had troubles at home and came to Lit as an escape and got involved with a toxic person. My troubles escalated beyond anything I could imagine. Between her, here at Lit, and my people at home I felt like I was losing my mind.

Eventually, after some pretty extreme circumsatances I left Lit. And over time, returning here, found I wasn't ready to be back. I could not trust my senses and would leave again and again. I could not stay centered here. And I was still paying for my mistakes at home. I did pay for my mistakes in full measure, eventually squaring things away at home. That was the important thing. Regaining my center consistently I found I could stay here awhile.

I have since recovered from those days.

I want to also say....

People here, oftentimes are hurting. Deeply. Many look for a diversion, a distraction from their troubles. I hope I provide that from time to time. The world can be a harsh place. In some small way, in my time here at Lit, I hope to make it better. Its one of my primary motivations for coming to Lit.

Play games with people, tell stories, listen to them. It matters here.

Some very nice people helped me that way once. I pay it forward.
 
cascadiabound said:
I AM entitled... I AM worthy of that kind of respect.
And yes you can fuck off if you can't give it to me.
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I was KIDDING with Far....

Hence my quoting her and not making a blanket statement ...

I'll try to be clearer with my sarcastic remarks...
Ok, I probably won't try very hard, but .*shrugs*
 
Elle ^^^^^ :heart:
Mrtenant said:
I want to also say....

People here, oftentimes are hurting. Deeply. Many look for a diversion, a distraction from their troubles. I hope I provide that from time to time. The world can be a harsh place. In some small way, in my time here at Lit, I hope to make it better. Its one of my primary motivations for coming to Lit.

Some very nice people helped me that way once. I pay it forward.
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Very much something like this for me too.

I am a helper. An educator. It matters very much to me that Lit, especially the BDSM corner of Lit be a place where people can ask questions and get help and not be judged. I try very hard to help create a tone towards that end.

People here have been instrumental in my journey towards understanding myself and my needs. There are people here I care about deeply and who I expect will be friends for the rest of my life. Feel free to call me niave. I prefer to think of it as optimistic.

I stick around because I want to pay some of what I have received here forward. If my beautiful Cascadia gallery gives people joy, if my novella thread made people laugh, if my breakfast thread makes their mouths water, if my thoughts about relationships and submission that get collected on the Someone to Watch Over Me thread inspire or inform people... well, so much the better.
 
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