mental VS sexual submission

lmcms

Sweet submission
Joined
Jul 10, 2012
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Mental/Emotional submission VS Sexual/Physical submission.

Can you have one without the other? Is it possible to be mentally/emotionally submission to one without it becoming sexual/physical? Can one be mentally/emotionally dominate without being a control freak? Is there a line or is it all the same thing?

Please help me with this!!
 
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I am a married woman and love my husband deeply, but I am also submissive and he has no real idea of D/s though I have tried to explain it to him. Though I love him and our life is pretty good sometimes I feel like there is a whole in me. Is there a way to seperate mental and sexual submission? Could this save my marriage?

I am sure any ideas on the comment would be helpful.
 
If you are asking would going somewhere or to someone else for D/s and trying to keep it mental only save your marriage, I doubt it.

I've done some online stuff and it just made me want more. It wasn't mental only either. Most things aren't.

What will save your marriage is deciding it's the most important thing to you both and keeping it that way.
 
I am a married woman and love my husband deeply, but I am also submissive and he has no real idea of D/s though I have tried to explain it to him. Though I love him and our life is pretty good sometimes I feel like there is a whole in me. Is there a way to seperate mental and sexual submission? Could this save my marriage?

I am sure any ideas on the comment would be helpful.

I agree with fury on this. I do have a question is your hubby willing to try and be Dominate to you in bed or even just around the house? Is he open to get on here and read the forums or books?
 
I agree with fury on this. I do have a question is your hubby willing to try and be Dominate to you in bed or even just around the house? Is he open to get on here and read the forums or books?

He is willing to try to dominate me in bed, but I have to walk the whole "scene" out with him most of the time. I have tried getting him to read books and articles but it seems he dosent really see the point.

As for out of bed he leads more to control freak than dominate when he trys. And it causes me to chafe cause it's not what I need.

I have done some online stuff before but it's always turned sexual my main curiousty is there anyway for it not to be sexual.

As for the it saving my marriage it not really in a lot of trouble and most days I am happy but sometimes it feels like I have this huge whole in me. I love my family but sometimes I resent it because I have to close of so much of that part of myself off.
 
He is willing to try to dominate me in bed, but I have to walk the whole "scene" out with him most of the time. I have tried getting him to read books and articles but it seems he dosent really see the point.

As for out of bed he leads more to control freak than dominate when he trys. And it causes me to chafe cause it's not what I need.

I have done some online stuff before but it's always turned sexual my main curiousty is there anyway for it not to be sexual.

As for the it saving my marriage it not really in a lot of trouble and most days I am happy but sometimes it feels like I have this huge whole in me. I love my family but sometimes I resent it because I have to close of so much of that part of myself off.

You are doing whats called topping from the bottom. Does laying the scene out to you not make it as enjoyable? Usually stuff online and in real life does turn sexual. Me being Dominate is very sexual to me as I am in real life a very caring compassionate person so I'm not a dominate person in life. Try talking to him about out of bed in how he leans towards control freak and not dominate?
 
You are doing whats called topping from the bottom. Does laying the scene out to you not make it as enjoyable? Usually stuff online and in real life does turn sexual. Me being Dominate is very sexual to me as I am in real life a very caring compassionate person so I'm not a dominate person in life. Try talking to him about out of bed in how he leans towards control freak and not dominate?

I know I am topping from the bottom and it drives me nuts having it doesnt fill me the same way but thats the only way he will do it.

I have tried talking to him but it's as if he just doesnt have it in him either he is a control freak or vanilla, it not that he doesnt try he would do just about anything I asked. I just don't know how to get him to understand that fine line and what I need from it.
 
I know I am topping from the bottom and it drives me nuts having it doesnt fill me the same way but thats the only way he will do it.

I have tried talking to him but it's as if he just doesnt have it in him either he is a control freak or vanilla, it not that he doesnt try he would do just about anything I asked. I just don't know how to get him to understand that fine line and what I need from it.

Thats sucks. You can PM me if you want to talk more. I can't PM you as you don't have them turned on.
 
Or maybe it isn't that he "doesn't have it in him" - the two of you simply have different philosophies of D/s.

He is willing to try to dominate me in bed, but I have to walk the whole "scene" out with him most of the time. I have tried getting him to read books and articles but it seems he dosent really see the point.

A lot of people don't see much point in reading books and/or articles; books and articles tend to be full of generic advice, which only accomplishes so much.

As for out of bed he leads more to control freak than dominate when he trys. And it causes me to chafe cause it's not what I need.

Some people's version of dominant = control freak. Maybe that's his philosophy of dominance.

I have done some online stuff before but it's always turned sexual my main curiousty is there anyway for it not to be sexual.

If you don't want an online conversation about D/s to involve sexuality, what are you looking to discuss? Because most people who discuss D/s online (in private), are going to assume sex will be discussed [since more people associate D/s with bedroom activities/sex, than housekeeping and tea service].

As for the it saving my marriage it not really in a lot of trouble and most days I am happy but sometimes it feels like I have this huge whole in me. I love my family but sometimes I resent it because I have to close of so much of that part of myself off.

The bolded bit I don't get. Do you feel that you have to "turn it off" because you're running a home? Staying on top of things? Keeping the family budget going? Working outside the home? Acting as a voice of authority in certain situations?

I disagree with the theory that you're "Topping from the Bottom". It sounds to me like you may have different ideas of what D/s looks like, and are having trouble communicating those ideas with each other. What are you comparing his attempts at dominance to? Because you're measuring him against something, and he's failing in your eyes because of it.
 
Sure it can be non sexual. And sure it doesn't have to threaten your world.

Find someone you are not sexually attracted to, who is enough of a boss/sadist/weirdo-in-a-good way that you can serve him/her, s/he can benefit from your service, and you can both go off and hump your respective partners, or masturbate with the glow of satisfaction of your boss/boss-around needs met.

It can be separate if you are diligent about separating it. I've known gay men and lesbians who have D/s based relationships with one another and partners of the gender they're into sexually. Sexuality is complicated stuff.

However, this is a solution for YOU not for the problem of you and your husband's incompatibility in this area.

It's called compartmentalization, and while Americans are completely obsessed with fidelity and transparency to the point of mind-meld being expected in any marriage to make it work, a lot of the most healthy marriages I know of involve this skill on one or both parts. There are things I don't need to know about my spouse and things that don't need to be known about me. It actually keeps us remotely interesting to each other.
 
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I feel I like have to turn it off because he doesn't fully accept it and can't fully meet the needs. As to what I am measuring him to it may not make since but to what feels right deep inside.


Or maybe it isn't that he "doesn't have it in him" - the two of you simply have different philosophies of D/s.



A lot of people don't see much point in reading books and/or articles; books and articles tend to be full of generic advice, which only accomplishes so much.



Some people's version of dominant = control freak. Maybe that's his philosophy of dominance.



If you don't want an online conversation about D/s to involve sexuality, what are you looking to discuss? Because most people who discuss D/s online (in private), are going to assume sex will be discussed [since more people associate D/s with bedroom activities/sex, than housekeeping and tea service].



The bolded bit I don't get. Do you feel that you have to "turn it off" because you're running a home? Staying on top of things? Keeping the family budget going? Working outside the home? Acting as a voice of authority in certain situations?

I disagree with the theory that you're "Topping from the Bottom". It sounds to me like you may have different ideas of what D/s looks like, and are having trouble communicating those ideas with each other. What are you comparing his attempts at dominance to? Because you're measuring him against something, and he's failing in your eyes because of it.
 
I think my biggest fear is rejection from him. Honestly I am trying to come up with a way to explain to him what I need without him taking it wrong or thinking I am cheating but I have trouble voicing it I am hoping talking it out and hearing others opinions will help me work it out so I can bring it to him in a way he will understand.


Sure it can be non sexual. And sure it doesn't have to threaten your world.

Find someone you are not sexually attracted to, who is enough of a boss/sadist/weirdo-in-a-good way that you can serve him/her, s/he can benefit from your service, and you can both go off and hump your respective partners, or masturbate with the glow of satisfaction of your boss/boss-around needs met.

It can be separate if you are diligent about separating it. I've known gay men and lesbians who have D/s based relationships with one another and partners of the gender they're into sexually. Sexuality is complicated stuff.

However, this is a solution for YOU not for the problem of you and your husband's incompatibility in this area.

It's called compartmentalization, and while Americans are completely obsessed with fidelity and transparency to the point of mind-meld being expected in any marriage to make it work, a lot of the most healthy marriages I know of involve this skill on one or both parts. There are things I don't need to know about my spouse and things that don't need to be known about me. It actually keeps us remotely interesting to each other.
 
I think my biggest fear is rejection from him. Honestly I am trying to come up with a way to explain to him what I need without him taking it wrong or thinking I am cheating but I have trouble voicing it I am hoping talking it out and hearing others opinions will help me work it out so I can bring it to him in a way he will understand.

He may not understand to care to understand. If you want him to dominate you that means providing feedback, but if you have nothing positive to tell him, an ongoing critique of your sexual stuff becomes demoralizing and pointless. Figure out what you do enjoy with him and focus on that.
 
He may not understand to care to understand. If you want him to dominate you that means providing feedback, but if you have nothing positive to tell him, an ongoing critique of your sexual stuff becomes demoralizing and pointless. Figure out what you do enjoy with him and focus on that.

I try I really do and sexually we are working on it and it slowly getting better it mostly the mental D/s that is the issue. I am not sure how to explain to someone who doesnt understand D/s besides being fun in the bedroom on occassioin how I need it mentally on an everyday basis. I want to be open and honest with him I am just not so sure of the best way to go about because he is as you said, He has a very firm hold on what fidelity is and has no leeway in him on that matter. And honestly on some of his points I just don't understand it. I know I am more openminded than most so I cause it makes it hard for me to explain to someone who isnt.
 
I feel I like have to turn it off because he doesn't fully accept it and can't fully meet the needs. As to what I am measuring him to it may not make since but to what feels right deep inside.

Totally valid... but it still goes back to do the two of you view D/s the same way? What if what feels right deep inside for you is micromanagement (removing a lot of your personal responsibility), and what feels right for him is delegation (adding to your personal responsibility)?
 
Totally valid... but it still goes back to do the two of you view D/s the same way? What if what feels right deep inside for you is micromanagement (removing a lot of your personal responsibility), and what feels right for him is delegation (adding to your personal responsibility)?

That is exactly the issue the question is can I find what I need "outside the box" without it being sexual as well?
 
That is exactly the issue the question is can I find what I need "outside the box" without it being sexual as well?

It's a hell of a lot of work to micromanage a grown adult - you're essentially asking the man to add another full time job on top of his current responsibilities, for your benefit. (Yes you may argue that he ultimately benefits as well, but is the payoff worth the weight?)

IMO, delegation *can* be a form of micromanagement, it just means the one being delegated to may need to do a few mental gymnastics to get there. Find a way to meet his desire to delegate, and do your own [mental] work to get what you need. Micromanagement can be as laid back as "only wear skirts/dresses", or "dinner happens at X time, and each meal must include ABC". Standing, broad, delegated 'orders', can ground you as much as the daily [hourly] micro-management you desire... but you are the only one who can flip the mental switch to make it happen.

If that won't work for you, get the need met through volunteer work, or pick up a PT job in a service industry. Take community college or rec center courses on skills that will enhance your lives (cooking, home repair, etc). If you feel your only option is to go "outside the box", then do it in a socially responsible way that won't threaten the fidelity of your relationship.
 
All very valid points. I think the main issue in the delegation/micromanagment argument in this situation is praise vs punishment. Knowing if I do it nothing will be said or acknowledged but at the same point knowing if I dont do it I am going to get yelled at. Do you do as your told and get silence or ignore it and get feedback.

And yes I have discussed this with him his point always being (he works more or makes more money I am home with the kids I should do it all anyway it's nothing special why praise me)


It's a hell of a lot of work to micromanage a grown adult - you're essentially asking the man to add another full time job on top of his current responsibilities, for your benefit. (Yes you may argue that he ultimately benefits as well, but is the payoff worth the weight?)

IMO, delegation *can* be a form of micromanagement, it just means the one being delegated to may need to do a few mental gymnastics to get there. Find a way to meet his desire to delegate, and do your own [mental] work to get what you need. Micromanagement can be as laid back as "only wear skirts/dresses", or "dinner happens at X time, and each meal must include ABC". Standing, broad, delegated 'orders', can ground you as much as the daily [hourly] micro-management you desire... but you are the only one who can flip the mental switch to make it happen.

If that won't work for you, get the need met through volunteer work, or pick up a PT job in a service industry. Take community college or rec center courses on skills that will enhance your lives (cooking, home repair, etc). If you feel your only option is to go "outside the box", then do it in a socially responsible way that won't threaten the fidelity of your relationship.
 
All very valid points. I think the main issue in the delegation/micromanagment argument in this situation is praise vs punishment. Knowing if I do it nothing will be said or acknowledged but at the same point knowing if I dont do it I am going to get yelled at. Do you do as your told and get silence or ignore it and get feedback.

And yes I have discussed this with him his point always being (he works more or makes more money I am home with the kids I should do it all anyway it's nothing special why praise me)

Yeah the thing is, that is D/s to some people, and your guy seems like he's one of them. If there's an incompatibility there, then there's an incompatibility. Craving recognition for the things that you do to keep up your end of the domestic bargain isn't exactly uncommon, or even really related to BDSM in any way, though. That's something you should probably talk to him about without trying to relate it to sexytimes.

What exactly do you mean by "mental" domination, though? You keep saying it, but I don't quite get what you mean by it. You say you want to be controlled more overtly in one breath, and in the next you complain that he's micromanaging you.
 
Yeah the thing is, that is D/s to some people, and your guy seems like he's one of them. If there's an incompatibility there, then there's an incompatibility. Craving recognition for the things that you do to keep up your end of the domestic bargain isn't exactly uncommon, or even really related to BDSM in any way, though. That's something you should probably talk to him about without trying to relate it to sexytimes.

What exactly do you mean by "mental" domination, though? You keep saying it, but I don't quite get what you mean by it. You say you want to be controlled more overtly in one breath, and in the next you complain that he's micromanaging you.

no that's not it at all it's like cutie mouse said he see's it as giving me more responsibility instead of helping me manage my response ability.

When I say "mental" domination I mean...... well pretty much that dominating ones mind and guiding thier thought process. To me there is a diffrence between sexual domination and mental domination. But then again there is a diffrence between domintating and controlling.
 
Good question. B/c at least for my Mistress and I sometimes there is a mental
sexual submission especially if we are doing it online/phone. I'm not sure in my case I could seperate the two.
 
All very valid points. I think the main issue in the delegation/micromanagment argument in this situation is praise vs punishment. Knowing if I do it nothing will be said or acknowledged but at the same point knowing if I dont do it I am going to get yelled at. Do you do as your told and get silence or ignore it and get feedback.

And yes I have discussed this with him his point always being (he works more or makes more money I am home with the kids I should do it all anyway it's nothing special why praise me)

Praise is always a good thing, of course, but self-satisfaction for a job well done needs to be nurtured too. It sounds like, perhaps, that's something you might want to concentrate on. I honestly don't expect a pat on the head or any other particular acknowledgment that I've accomplished my usual tasks. They're just what's expected of me. I do set little extra goals for myself, knowing that Master will be more pleased than usual. For example, 'getting laundry done' simply means all of the loads for the week being washed and dried, in his mind. Making sure that everything is folded and put away is the cherry on top, as is getting it done before dinnertime. He's not explicit about doing that but he's pleased when it happens. He may or may not say anything, but I know that I 'did good' and that pleases me.

That might be a simplistic issue, but he's not especially inclined to micromanage me, either. Sometimes I wish for more specific control, but that's not his style.
 
Praise is always a good thing, of course, but self-satisfaction for a job well done needs to be nurtured too. It sounds like, perhaps, that's something you might want to concentrate on. I honestly don't expect a pat on the head or any other particular acknowledgment that I've accomplished my usual tasks. They're just what's expected of me. I do set little extra goals for myself, knowing that Master will be more pleased than usual. For example, 'getting laundry done' simply means all of the loads for the week being washed and dried, in his mind. Making sure that everything is folded and put away is the cherry on top, as is getting it done before dinnertime. He's not explicit about doing that but he's pleased when it happens. He may or may not say anything, but I know that I 'did good' and that pleases me.

That might be a simplistic issue, but he's not especially inclined to micromanage me, either. Sometimes I wish for more specific control, but that's not his style.

I could understand that but I have 2 small children and perfection is expected. There is no way to do anything extra to please please him is should all be done everyday. And I have an issue with motivation. It's too the point that I know I can work hard all day on the house and any other thing but I know when he comes home he will find some complaint. It's like constant negitive renformant. A part of me understands that I should be able to over look this but another part of me wants to know why I can't get praise too.
 
I could understand that but I have 2 small children and perfection is expected. There is no way to do anything extra to please please him is should all be done everyday. And I have an issue with motivation. It's too the point that I know I can work hard all day on the house and any other thing but I know when he comes home he will find some complaint. It's like constant negitive renformant. A part of me understands that I should be able to over look this but another part of me wants to know why I can't get praise too.

Hmmm :( That sort of negativity is troublesome to me (IMHO). Unless it's part of a mindset that he needs to find some sort of fault in order to correct you and thus exert his dominance (and you're okay with that sort of scripting) then it sounds to me like general crankiness that needs to be talked about and resolved all on its own. People simply don't flourish under nothing but criticism, unless it's a particular kink.
 
I have tried and I suppose he is not always negitive just in my "domestic duties". But due to very old issues they have always been difficult for me.
 
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