Parts 1 and 2 reviewed here.
- she did like my girl Ella, though.I read your part two, gave it a score and was going to comment, but didn't - because I realised my comment wasn't a criticism but a contrast, and I didn't know if it would be useful, or just read the wrong way. Here it is now, though, fleshed out some, to give you yet another point of view.
My first reaction was: my God, girl, slow down, take your time. I'm exhausted just trying to keep up with you! It's all over before it's even begun.... for a shy and quiet girl, you sure work fast! It's too short, it's like a teenage boy where a minute is still too much time!
But then, I'm the complete opposite. My writing is langourous and slow, a slow river snaking through deep caverns - I once wrote an orgasm paragraph by paraphrasing a verse from Coleridge's Kublai Khan. No-one spotted it, even though we do have some hi-brow amongst the lo-brows, and the yarn was in a Story Comp... even NS missed it
Your writing is like a waterfall, fast and furious, tumbling over the rocks, plummeting head long. The down side of that, as Noir points out, is the danger of compiling yet another set of cliches. The up side is the sheer energy, excitement and exuberance of a new writer, which is wonderful to see.
As everyone says, keep writing. Find your own voice, and show us what it is. Your leading lady is full of contradictions, and if at her heart there's some of you in her, that's always a good sign for erotica. A kernel of truth, even a single moment, can resonate through good stories.
Thank you so much for a very honest and great review!! And yes, there will be more confessions to come
Ah, 'even NS' - what a lovely back-handed compliment! I must go back and re-read.I once wrote an orgasm paragraph by paraphrasing a verse from Coleridge's Kublai Khan. No-one spotted it, even though we do have some hi-brow amongst the lo-brows, and the yarn was in a Story Comp... even NS missed it
I've only been at this for one week, please bare with me
You are getting some good insights into your writing here. Like eb says, the action is rushed. But that's hot and sexy too. You get both the sexiness and the 'good girl' across very well. Do look out for a good beta read editor. Copy editing is not an issue, it's great to see a new writer who has so few errors in the script. 
