Old 01-10-2019, 12:11 PM   #1
ChasingAnna
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Editor requested

First time submitter.

I've got a fairly long story nearing completion. The first chapter was rejected first attempt and I figured getting a second set of eyes on it would be helpful.

It's largely psychological, non-con/reluctant, focusing on a girl's struggle to escape pursuing males while resisting her own artificially enhanced libido. It's primarily MF, though a few chapters have FF as well. There is one chapter that has a MMF scene though the MM part of that isn't overly explicit.

In addition to general proofreading, I'd be very open to feedback about how effective the prose is at putting you in the head of the girl as she struggles with her situation, her own desires, and guilt about some of her choices.

Major tags: non-con, first time, impregnation, aphrodisiac
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Old 01-12-2019, 01:37 PM   #2
ChasingAnna
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As I'm going over it myself, I noticed this mess of a sentence. Advice for cleaning it up?

Quote:
"So you hungry or what?" she asked, glancing down at the fish still flopping as it dangled from her hand.

"Not sure how you plan on preparing that. We don't exactly have cooking gear out here"

"Let me worry about that!"

The girl grabbed a rock and bashed the creatures head in with one blow. Anna was stunned by the sudden, casual violence of the action, and the girls cheerful smile, which hadn't cracked at all as she killed the poor creature instantly changed from slightly annoying to disconcerting. She couldn't help but wonder if the girl was a threat.
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Old 01-12-2019, 04:13 PM   #3
KeithD
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Some punctuation problems and it bogs down near the end of the second sentence. Keeping as close to the original as possible:

The girl grabbed a rock and bashed the creature's head in with one blow. Anna was stunned by the sudden, casual violence of the action. The girl's cheerful smile, which hadn't cracked at all as she killed the poor creature, instantly changed from slightly annoying to disconcerting. Anna couldn't help but wonder if the girl was a threat.

There's a contextual problem with the "slightly annoying to disconcerting" phrase. Unclear who it is annoying to and what it is disconcerting from. Hazy. I suggest clarifying it or just dropping it.

Also note that there is no terminal punctuation in the second sentence of your example post, not in the section you are asking about. Such missing punctuation, when repeated often, is a frequent reason a story gets rejected here.
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Old 01-12-2019, 04:35 PM   #4
ChasingAnna
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KeithD View Post
Some punctuation problems and it bogs down near the end of the second sentence. Keeping as close to the original as possible:

The girl grabbed a rock and bashed the creature's head in with one blow. Anna was stunned by the sudden, casual violence of the action. The girl's cheerful smile, which hadn't cracked at all as she killed the poor creature, instantly changed from slightly annoying to disconcerting. Anna couldn't help but wonder if the girl was a threat.

There's a contextual problem with the "slightly annoying to disconcerting" phrase. Unclear who it is annoying to and what it is disconcerting from. Hazy. I suggest clarifying it or just dropping it.

Also note that there is no terminal punctuation in the second sentence of your example post, not in the section you are asking about. Such missing punctuation, when repeated often, is a frequent reason a story gets rejected here.
Good catch! Thanks!
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