Seeking feedback on short excerpt from a work in process, please

Hello, I am hoping to convey a young man's response to his first blow job, which he receives from an older (but not 'old'), more experienced woman whom he considers to be his "sexual mentor."

Is it over the top?

I have a tendency sometimes to use run-on sentences and take liberties with commas "for effect," so I know it's there - an opinion or two on how effective it is (if at all) would be appreciated.

This part is not particularly arousing, but it's a short excerpt from a long story with plenty of action, so I think that should be okay.

Any & all comments welcome.

Thanks,
Dick

Excerpt:
In my mind, I had made Denise into some kind of mythical sex goddess, and believed that she was the true path to sexual enlightenment. My first blow job was long and slow and luxurious, and made me realize that I was wrong; there was nothing mythical about her.

She spent the first 10 minutes (at least) with her lips wrapped around the head of my cock, that being the only contact between our bodies. My universe was compressed into an area about the size of a shot glass – for those few minutes, while she was licking and nibbling the tip, sucking down pre-cum as fast as I could produce it, nothing else existed. And so it went, as she moved on to the next step, and the next, each more intense than the last, but never frantic, never a sense of urgency, seemingly effortless on her part and no effort at all required of me. I lost track of time; I only knew that it was mid-afternoon when she started, and the sun was on the horizon when I experienced a climax that went on forever. Literally forever – it is a core belief of my religion that in some universe somewhere, I’m still cumming into Denise’s mouth.

Later, when I was asked to describe my first ever blow job, I could only look off into the distance, shake my head in wonder, and mutter, “The things she did with her mouth…”

You proclaim doubts about run-ons and prove it with the first sentence. I will mark with parentheses all the words and passages I believe should be cut.

(In my mind,) I had made Denise into a (some) kind of mythical sex goddess, (and) believing (that) she was the true path to sexual enlightenment. My first blow job, (was) long and slow and luxurious, (and) made me realize (that) I had been wrong; there was nothing mythical about her.

(She spent) For the first ten minutes the only contact between our bodies was{(at least) with} her lips wrapped around the head of my cock (, that being) . My universe (was) compressed into (an area about the size of) a shot glass – for those few minutes, while she was licking and nibbling the tip, sucking down pre-cum as fast as I could produce it, nothing else existed. And so on and so it went, (as she moved on to) the next step, and the next, each (step) more intense than the previous. But she was never frantic, never created a sense of urgency. Everything flowed effortlessly on her part; no effort was (at all) required of me. I lost track of time, only sensing (knew that it was) mid-afternoon when she began, (started), and the sun (was) low on the horizon when I experienced a climax that went on forever. (Literally forever –) It is a core belief (tenet) of my new religion that in some universe somewhere, I’m still cumming in Denise’s mouth.

(Later, when I was) When I am asked to describe my first (ever) blow job, I can only look off in the distance, shake my head in wonder, and mutter, “The things she did with her mouth. . . ”

just a few suggestion off the git go. You write well, but the story seems all gone in the first few graphs? make sure we know who these people are, how they feel, how they look, what they think about, then give us raw heat. Don't tell us about it . Show us! Let us taste, see, smell, hear, laugh, cry etc, with them, not at them.

The term '10 minutes' was bothersome. Try to find wording that doesn't have me thinking he spent his time looking at his watch. Sex, in my mind, should be timeless.

The wordiness was well described already. We are all guilty of that.

That said, I could easily understand it was a phenomenal experience for him. I believe that was your intent and you succeeded in it.

thanks, guys, just what I needed.

It was more cluttered with extra words than I realized.

DreamCloud said:

... Sex, in my mind, should be timeless.

Click to expand...

sex in my mind is timeless, too, but in my bedroom there are limits.......... LOL

glad you pointed that out. I find myself referring to the clock too much. Good advice.


btw, In case you want to check it out, that bit will be at the end of chapter 25 in part 4 of a story that starts here:
https://www.literotica.com/s/life-on-the-edge-of-orgasm

I'm not a guy and I write lesbian erotica myself so hey if anything,the women in my story come quicker than real women, but a major question I had reading this was beliavability. I suppose it depends on the guys age and experiences but uh... A lot of younger inexperienced guys don't last too long their first time. Perhaps this would be another reason to cut out the specific time references. Granted, people are variable anyway but you don't want someone to read the time and get preoccupied thinking "yeah right" or even the reverse "he only lasted that long?"

What, if anything, does she do to help him last? (Gotta say I'm a big fan of the older woman/ sex mentor thing. Favorite fantasy of my own!) But since she has so much experience and all, and seems to be enjoying herself, does she stop and start or grip the guy a certain way or whatever to make it last?

Another thing, and I struggle with this too sometimes and have to really be intentional with it, how does what she does to him feel? You've got him sort of reminiscing and you succeed pretty well as far as his overall feeling about the experience as a whole but you've got a lot of focus on time ( "for those few minutes", the sun on the horizon, lost track of time, never frantic, etc) what did the main character actually feel in the moment? If you could remove some of those time references and talk how it felt in the moment- did he moan? Shake? Did his cock feel harder than ever before? I don't know, again I'm not a guy and I don't write about guys erotically so what a blow job feels like for the recierver isn't my forte. Heck was her mouth warm? How do those lips feel on the top of his cock?

Just some thoughts. It's got great potential and I do like the emphasis on how this was a memorable experience. Beats quite a lot of the stories I've read here and even elsewhere. Just once I hooked on the time thing I realized the whole piece was full of time references. And I guess it depends on where this fits in the story and what you're trying to achieve with it but people read erotica to get of, so if we can feel what he is, the physical pleasure, not just the memory, all the better.