Humor Thread

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said: "I forgot my teeth."

"No problem," the man said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth: "Try these."

The speaker tried them: "Too loose," he said.

The man then said: "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded: "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said: "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker tried them and said: "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him: "I want to thank you for coming to my aid," he said: "Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied: "Oh, I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

Mrs. Jamison was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing.

Q: What are they both thinking?

A: Don't look down

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he manoeuvred into the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me here."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Walking can add minutes to your life ... this enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $ 10 000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $750, haven't lost a gram. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least, You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Thoughts to Contemplate ...

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If supermarkets are lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Dedicated to all the Senior members

The ABCs Of Aging ...

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Good stuff HP. I sure can relate the the old people.

Sex Drive

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you?

The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?

Yes said the man, its all in my head and I want you to lower it.

Theological Question

For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints
were so bad at playing football that Hell would freeze over if the
Saints ever won The Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 the Saints won the Super Bowl.

On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet
of snow and the Government was shut down.

Do you think this indicates the actual location of Hell?

Had this before but still funny for those who haven't seen it.
DG

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has the intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98...

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and
I joined the Church and I had to quit drinking."

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Cat

High School Exit Exam

TO ALL MY BRILLIANT FRIENDS:
New High School FINAL Exam. You only need 4 correct to pass.
Take the test. You have less than a minute.
(Passing requires 4 correct answers) (correct answers below)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below ...





ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

HOW DID YOU DO? i DIDN'T FAIR SO WELL.

DG Hear said:

High School Exit Exam

TO ALL MY BRILLIANT FRIENDS:
New High School FINAL Exam. You only need 4 correct to pass.
Take the test. You have less than a minute.
(Passing requires 4 correct answers) (correct answers below)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below ...





ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

HOW DID YOU DO? i DIDN'T FAIR SO WELL.

Click to expand...

You did even worse than you thought. You also misspelled "fare" and did not capitalize the first person singular pronoun. I had two right.

Boxlicker101 said:

You did even worse than you thought. You also misspelled "fare" and did not capitalize the first person singular pronoun. I had two right.

Click to expand...

That's why I need my stories edited.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
In my case, the way over thirties crowd.

A man went into a store to buy some condoms.

"Thats 1 dollar 15 plus tax," said the store assistant.

"I dont need tacks," said the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at
the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and
Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking
forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope
the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only
three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the
letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is
God's first name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the
letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was
thinking, but ...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify,
so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one," says St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I
guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but
I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you
tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everybody probly knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Take a look:-

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

We are on quite a ride ..... Turn up the sound. It's not over till it asks if you want to view again.

This clever piece originated in Australia . It is so very well done most folks don't realize how much info he is sharing! Just click on the link below..... Speakers on. Photos by NASA.

Enjoy your journey!

Handley_Page said:

Take a look:-

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

We are on quite a ride ..... Turn up the sound. It's not over till it asks if you want to view again.

This clever piece originated in Australia . It is so very well done most folks don't realize how much info he is sharing! Just click on the link below..... Speakers on. Photos by NASA.

Enjoy your journey!

Click to expand...

THAT WAS GREAT HP. ENJOYED IT!
DG

A young deaf-mute couple gets married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.

One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man says, "OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?"

The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere,
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
Toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
To sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

20 worst tramp stamps. Warning: plumber's crack.