Cum on Robyn: 2

I agree with your one commenter that you make Robyn real. Good job on the first person.

I don't like the premise, but that is just me. Given that, it didn't horn me up at all but I could see it being enticing to other readers (as they've indicated.

That opening paragraph almost put me off. One almost incomplete sentence, then a run-on. I nearly stopped reading. Some of the technical issues continue, but I read through them. There were maybe too many commas - I personally would write differently to avoid. Generally, the story flowed as it should.
 
Not bad at all. One thing. There is no rule that sentences must be long.

". . .did the sums in my head (and) came up with £574 -which meant a hundred quid from each of the ones that turned up take off the cost of the room. Even If I deducted the price of the chemise and blonde lowlights, I didn't count the shoes or red nail varnish since I already had those, and advertising was free courtesy of the internet, it wasn't bad for a couple of hours work. Not that it was work, not by any stretch of the imagination; I was going to enjoy myself.

I thought about what I was about to do as I drove north. For me it was huge, such a big step. All right, I'd already entertained two men in my living room, feeling their cum splashing over me, but this was a little different and I was nervous as hell, the kind of nervous that had my tummy churning while, at the same time, had my pussy sluicing and my insides clenched with anticipation."

. . .did the sums in my head, 574 total. Not Bad. Subtracting the cost of the room, shoes, chemise and make up, still a hefty sum. Internet advertising had been free, I grinned as I drove North. I was looking forward to this. It was going to be a huge step. Sure, I'd already entertained two men in my living room, been splashed in their cum, but this was different. I was nervous as hell, stomach churning, pussy sluicing, and insides cramping in anticipation.

I said almost the same thing with half as many words, not to brag, but to show you how to move the action along faster, cut out the dead wood, lose the run-ons. (me 82 words)(you 170) Even if you added back thirty or so words, it would still be a great improvement. The cum-bath thing doesn't really turn me on, but I do agree, your character is real, you have a definite style, but you are letting over explaining slow you down, Don't tell us, show us.
 
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I agree with the previous comments. Great character development. You did a really good job of telling me who Robyn is, letting me get inside her head. Well done!

I also agree with robertreams that you could tighten up the exposition a little to make the story flow a little more clearly and quickly though that is also a matter of style and opinion.

The one thing that did sort of put me off was right at the beginning. In your opening sentence, "Eight out of ten turned up" makes me think she's already at the hotel. But then 2 paragraphs later, she's thinking about what she's ABOUT to do.

That could just be a word choice that a UK reader will have no trouble with but I found it a little confusing.

Otherwise, great story!
 
Well, I hate to ay this but JBJ is right about one thing, I believe the word 'that' is the most overused in the language, especially used when no word at all is needed. A few years back I had a student who used the word 150 times in a page and one half. I made a rule in my class: a student could not use the word 'that' in a paper unless he/she could punctuate the famous puzzle from , "Flowers for Algernon,"

that that is is that that is not is not is that that that is it is.

Most common type of misuse: She said that she was going to town. Means exactly the same thing if you leave 'that' out.
 
Well, I hate to ay this but JBJ is right about one thing, I believe the word 'that' is the most overused in the language, especially used when no word at all is needed. A few years back I had a student who used the word 150 times in a page and one half. I made a rule in my class: a student could not use the word 'that' in a paper unless he/she could punctuate the famous puzzle from , "Flowers for Algernon,"

that that is is that that is not is not is that that that is it is.

Most common type of misuse: She said that she was going to town. Means exactly the same thing if you leave 'that' out.

now, THAT makes sense. :D
 
Any opinions on writers who request feedback and then you don't hear back?
 
Well, I hate to ay this but JBJ is right about one thing, I believe the word 'that' is the most overused in the language, especially used when no word at all is needed. A few years back I had a student who used the word 150 times in a page and one half. I made a rule in my class: a student could not use the word 'that' in a paper unless he/she could punctuate the famous puzzle from , "Flowers for Algernon,"

that that is is that that is not is not is that that that is it is.

Most common type of misuse: She said that she was going to town. Means exactly the same thing if you leave 'that' out.

Of course the issue of whether you need "that" at all (yes a common problem) isn't really an issue of whether you should use "which" or "who" instead of "that" (JBJ's issue, laughingly rendered by screwing up punctuation).
 
Any opinions on writers who request feedback and then you don't hear back?

OK, I'll be the stand-in for the author.

Thank you all for your comments.

I am not sure why, until now, I didn't reply. I guess I am too timid and my is ego too fragile for me to return to a critical discussion of my weaknesses. Or maybe I have only just realised that feedback&praise is the real currency that circulates on Literotica (for editors, authors, and test-audiences alike). So for discussing my story I want to say I am truly thankful for all of your constructive discussion of my story "Cum on Robyn 2".

I will try to keep in check my usage of "That" and my punctuation could improve. For my next story I think I'll use a volunteer editor that you can find on these forums.

To JLCC: I understand some people will think the premise of "Cum on Robyn 2" is degrading, but the story is really about me exploring my fetishes of exhibitionism & bukake. And as the number one fan of myself I think the story is fantastic. It makes me feel wicked, sexually desirable, hot and horny. So good. I just try to do my best as a writer to convey my imagination into writing, and by sharing my story on Literotica I hope there are others who will feel the same as me ;)

And once again, thank you all for your feedback.
 
Any opinions on writers who request feedback and then you don't hear back?

Perhaps I've been dealing with real-life issues of late? Would that suffice? Presuming the use of 'That' is permissible in this instance, of course - tongue-in-cheek.
 
Feedback

Another idiot. Had your fun?

Now, go away, troll.

I guess the second time reading through the story series I did see a few opportunities THAT would have earned red pencil marks from my English teacher. The first time through my cock has too hard and my mind was focused on much more basic thoughts! The old adage of insuring content and intent are aligned was well met! Thanks
 
Confused

As I was reading this thread I read a comment from "lit love." it appeared that this person was the author of "cum on Robyn pt 2" but I thought RobynBanks was the author of both stories. Then I saw the reply from RobynBanks. Now I am really confused. Who is who?
 
Litmlove was just being snarky. The author didn't respond to something so Litmlove pretended to stand in for the author and give an answer "as the author" so that Ltmlove could be snarky.
 
Like your first story in the series, I enjoyed this one as well. Funny, when I gave feedback on the first story, I said I could picture another scene with Robyn in a black bustier -- perhaps I'm psychic? ;)

The question was, regardless of entertaining a garden contractor by the name of Dave and his good-looking friend, could I summon the courage to take it to the extreme?

Double check your character names; Dave is the new character in this story, Carl was the young man fixing your fence in Part 1. And I like the Dave Brewster character. I can picture Robyn and Dave having wild adventures together. But I'm still wondering, is there a Mr. Banks? Is Robyn divorced? A widow? Do they have an open marriage?
 
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