Marriage and Relationships

GiggLeGasm said:

TwoS - I can only speak from my own experience, but my friends who shop like that are usually missing other things - even when money isn't an issue. Splitting the finances, while it fixes part of the problem, creates new ones. I guess it's about picking your battles and knowing what you need to have in order to keep going.

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There are plenty of other things missing. Plenty. My marriage is the trainwreck.

MBFemale said:

Sunshine...you have to "pay him back"? From what? And, I get it....he will fork over money for "this and that" but I have to ask for the simplest things.

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Pay him back from my pell grant money. I had paid before...so it was a "refund" of sorts...I guess.

sunshinegirl05 said:

I don't work, and he does. So in his mind all of the money that comes into this house is HIS. It's HIS bank account, HIS money that buys things, HIS, HIS, HIS.

He has bought so many "toys" for himself, but he throws a fit and makes me feel guilty when I go out and buy a pair of shoes or even stuff for the kids. Heaven forbid we get into the schooling costs for me. *And that is why I now have student loans.* He started expecting me to pay him back for any costs that I incurred paying for classes and books. Now where was I going to do that?

I would not mind working, but his schedule does not allow for that kind of flexibility. I decided to go back to school, because it was something that I needed/wanted to do. I quit years ago because of him.

So I guess in answer to your question....he has no issues spending money on what he wants.....but he is a tightwad when it comes to anything else.

(He never fails to inform me of the fact that I will never get a job making as much money as he does, when I am done with my schooling. I told him once that if we lived in a big city, I bet I could find one that made as much or more....b/c in those big cities, admin. assistants could make good money......he didn't find any humor in it. lol)

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I am sorry. He sounds like an... well. I don't know him and I won't speak badly about the love of your life.

It sounds wrong. Thats all.

sunshinegirl05 said:

Pay him back from my pell grant money. I had paid before...so it was a "refund" of sorts...I guess.

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That is not right......Sorry Sunshine

MBFemale said:

That is not right......Sorry Sunshine

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No, it's not right.

I am not one to complain too much about stuff. It won't do me any good....so for now, I am doing what I have to. When the time comes, then I will move forward with my life.

sunshinegirl05 said:

No, it's not right.

I am not one to complain too much about stuff. It won't do me any good....so for now, I am doing what I have to. When the time comes, then I will move forward with my life.

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Agreed....it helped to vent...

ok.. that's what I felt when I was married.

I tend to not rehash what it was because I'm trying to create what it should be. We still parent our children and I just can't let myself live in that place where the stress made me think it was ok to be ugly to another person.

but I understand.

every relationship has things that cause celebration, things that present challenge. The best we can do is commit to being authentic to one another.. and pray a little.. have a drink now and then..
you know

MBFemale said:

Thanks Love
"Recipent of her anger"? Thankfully, I don't have that...and I am sorry that you did.

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I was kinda used to it I guess having taken the brunt of my mom's anger & frustration, being the oldest and the only male when my useless shit of a father ran off with his tail between his legs, leaving me, her and my three younger sisters to run around pretending he was some kind of playboy tough guy.

I am going to kiss my husband and tell him how much I love him.
When we married I was 20 and he 25 so we didn't have a pot to piss in, so to speak. We decided that all money went into the family pot and that has not changed. Yes we both work full time and yes his pay is more than mine but I am never made to feel less than who I am. When I was a stay at home mom for 7yrs we both felt that was the right thing to do and I babysat other children for some extra cash. I was always valued for my contributions whether they be financial or supportive. I can't imagine a marriage being any other than that. He has lost 2 jobs and has suffered layoffs and I have pulled the extra weight at those times. He felt bad enough during those rough times and didn't need any more stress.
I am going shopping tomorrow and don't feel bad about it in the least. He always bugs me to buy something for myself as I am not a spender. So yes I will spend and have fun and know that he is happy for my day out.

TwoShades said:

There are plenty of other things missing. Plenty. My marriage is the trainwreck.

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MBFemale said:

Agreed....it helped to vent...

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GiggLeGasm said:

ok.. that's what I felt when I was married.

I tend to not rehash what it was because I'm trying to create what it should be. We still parent our children and I just can't let myself live in that place where the stress made me think it was ok to be ugly to another person.

but I understand.

every relationship has things that cause celebration, things that present challenge. The best we can do is commit to being authentic to one another.. and pray a little.. have a drink now and then..
you know

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lovetopleasewomen said:

I was kinda used to it I guess having taken the brunt of my mom's anger & frustration, being the oldest and the only male when my useless shit of a father ran off with his tail between his legs, leaving me, her and my three younger sisters to run around pretending he was some kind of playboy tough guy.

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Please allow me to show some respect to you guys who have been through stuff that I don't know anything about, and survived, and, as far as I can see from your lit posts, are flourishing as compassionate people I'm pleased to be acquainted with here. 'nough said. Si.

Sunshinegirl too, though as happens we've not met on a thread before ...

Wow what a difference a day makes. Lot's of interesting stuff here.

It seems a lot of spouses use money as a power or control tool, whether or not they have a right to, and that results in resentment.

My own situation is this, my spouse and I each work, but I do better than her so I take care of the mortgage, all household expenses, kids education, taxes, etc. Her money goes into savings - at least she says it does - It's in her name and I never see the statements. Supposedly for 'our' retirement. I don't get to see hers until we file our taxes. Even though she can see everything that I earn and spend, she still tells me that she thinks I hide money and spend too much.


Admittedly, I am apt to buy something and then discuss it later because in my marriage it's much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

MBFemale said:

Ok...I'll throw my vent in...
I make way more than he does....but yet I only get $100 allowance each month!! Frustrating cause I'm not a big spender, although I have learned to value that money each month and save it for important things I want....I treat myself to Starbucks a couple times a month <----not important but a treat. It has caused a strain in our relationship...and he wants receipts to show where my money went!! It's MY DAMN money.

Plus the older I get, my sex drive has increased while his has went almost flat...

There is my vent of the day...I feel better

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MB - I would think that being treated like that would DEcrease your sex drive. At least as far as HE goes maybe

TwoShades said:

My wife is has a serious shopping addiction. No outrages purchases... just an unnecessary 20 per day (or more) or at least $600 a month on things we don't need. On top of that a $500 to $700 a month smoking habit. And she doesn't work. It has caused unbelieveable financial damage not just to MY family, but to my inlaws as well. Sigh. The stories. The bullshit. I opened my own account and give her cash to buy food. She still syphons some food money to support her shopping habit. Good times.

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That the way my first wife was. It was only after we divorced and she had to balance a checkbook for herself that she realized that her 'needs' maybe weren't so needed after all.

I have to admit, I have a really good marriage. My husband is really sweet and understanding and after 20 years I think we have ironed out most of the things that were big issues.

That being said, I do remember one particular argument we had about money (the whole his vs mine thing). I was not working outside the home and he happened to make a quip about where I was going to find the money for something I wanted.

I went and found the pay rate for a housekeeper, chauffeur, chef, personal assistant, daycare worker, etc. I totaled it all up and presented him with the 'bill'. I then added, on top of that, a 'bill' for *ahem* 'services' rendered and pointed out that he couldn't even afford 1 hour of my time as a call girl. [laughs]

He looked at that list, looked at me... then gave me a big hug and said he had never thought of it that way. He apologized and we have been on the same page (more or less) ever since. It also opened his eyes to all the things I do around here.

Wise advice RA, good luck sweetie

RubenesqueAphrodite said:

I really was going to vent, but to me it seems like airing dirty laundry in a public place. There were several issues that caused the demise of my marriage. Money, mental abuse, alcohol, drugs, depression. Dwelling on it does me no good. I know my decision to end it was for the best, both for me and the children, despite the fact they are still young and "need" a male influence.

Am I depressed? Yes. 20 years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. . I'm just that stubborn.

But. . I m working now, kids are doing great in school, if not with some adjustment issues we're dealing with. So, in my opinion, as hard as this has been.. I'm better for it.

And yes, I miss having a life partner, someone to hold, love. . fuck... But I was missing that before, so I m considering this just an extension of that. .lol

To everyone with money control issues.. Work it out. .I say this as gently as I can. Money is just that. .Money.. It can make a good relationship difficult and a bad one unbearable. But it is not the end all be all of a relationship.. There are so many more important things required to nourish a healthy partnership. Love, care, understanding, emotional support, and yes, sexual attraction.

I'm babbling now, so I'll shut up. ...

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Hey there RA you don't have to shut up or air dirty laundry. You have valuable experience and a point of view and it's good to express it.

All those things you mentioned in your last sentence are important and when any one of them isn't there, it's like an engine that isn't firing on all cylinders, or a chair that doesn't have all it's legs.

Short and Sweet (maybe?)

When I first saw this thread, I pm'd AbsintheFather stating that while the best intentions, there are those that come here to forget about their troubles, not to share them. Then I read through the posts that other members had shared and I wondered how much courage it took to post about their past or present and what drew them to Lit or things about their other half.

In my drive home, I believe I wrote a 30 page thesis for about all of the things I could post and share, not only would it take me several days to post, but take a good hour for those to read (With minimal humor, and I'm one who loves to laugh) I decided that while I may not have all of the courage in the world or be the most mature individual on Lit, that I would share my reasons for traversing through the forums.

I've shared a more detailed version with a fellow Litster and I thank her for listening with a caring ear. I didn't think I'd ever have the courage to share it again, let alone in this fashion, but through the previous posters and her kind ears, I've mustered going to share.

I've been married for two years, with her for four years. There have been good days and bad days. While our Love is strong, there actions and affections that are missing (or no longer available) and we agreed that it would be beneficial to seek out our own sparks and share the benefits with each other. My work keeps me longer and busier then hers does and am unable to provide her with the daily and constant interaction which has contributed to her loss of spark (earlier in my career I was able to, but now I am no longer). I get home when she's going to bed. Our timing for each other hasn't aligned, but a few hours a week. While it's only one side of the story, I've done the best of what I thought I could do (through different avenues and approaches), but the end result was still the same.

I have chosen to come to Lit for friendships and inspiring times, as time allows, as I have been around in the past and had a small view of the community that exists. (The picture threads, word games )), General Board, question games. They're all intoxicating.) Keeping an open mind, open hand in friendship, respect, and search for some spark inspiring conversations/Litsters.

The posters before me have inspired and surprised me with their courage, bravery, and drive to continue on. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences.

While the reasons and levels to what guided our paths here are all varying, some of us have shared in losses while others have not; but together, we are Litsters (newbs and gurus alike), and the community is inspiring, caring, blunt, matter of fact, understanding, close/open minded, and horny as hell, LOL.

I, at 27 years old, have not so far had any real desire to get married, and problems such as those that have been shared on this thread are the major reason why.

I cannot imagine myself tolerating a relationship or marriage that wasn't a true partnership in every way, and that is SO hard to find. Even if you have found it, things can change over time, so I've been a real skeptic of marriage. I like being in a great relationship, as I am now, but I want the ability to leave without any major damage should my partner turn into someone who isn't really a partner anymore. I know that relationships and marriages are work, and I am more than willing to work at it, but the other party has to be as well.

Currently, I am dating a wonderful, somewhat older (36) guy and I can't believe how well we click and how thoughtful he is. He is the first boyfriend with whom I have been able to share all of my sexual kinks, and as a result, the sex is mind-blowing. I am able to be myself, totally and completely, with him.

I'd say one bane of relationships is seriously unrealistic expectations. I had to tell my former wife one time that "I'm not God, I can't do that".

Communication and compromise.... big things to a successful relationship! But it has to be from both sides!

BreezySnow said:

Communication and compromise.... big things to a successful relationship! But it has to be from both sides!

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I believe this.....it takes 2...but this is what I tell others.

Once was too often

I married once, but never again.
His family still comes sniffing around for money.
Not going to happen!