Humor Thread

EesomeBeastie said:

I've posted a humorous poem to the site, "On the Perils of a Morning Grope," and thought this thread might be a good place to advertise it. Hope you don't mind the shameless self-promotion. The link's in the signature block.

Click to expand...

DG Hear said:

Don't mind the advertising but just post the poem here.
DG

Click to expand...

OK, here's the full text.

On the perils of a morning grope
Author's note: girls, if you've ever had a bloke who was wont to wake you up in the morning with a clumsy grope, this one's for you!

I must, I must,
Not grope your bust,
At least not without warning.
I was a twit,
To grab your tit,
While you still slept this morning.

And you were right,
To take affright,
Then jump up hot with rage.
I need to learn,
To show concern,
And try to act my age.

Oh never fear,
I heed you dear,
No need to raise your hackle.
I'll mend my ways,
I'll beg for days,
Just, please, LET GO MY TACKLE!!

Aging

I've got a few joke on aging. Some old some new, most all funny.
DG

The Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and
walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's
question about his 'garage door'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk
to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old
minivan with two flat tires.'


An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

(more oldies to come later)
DG

More Aging jokes

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

******************
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

************************
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?' she asks

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream wi th strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A few more

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

******************************
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

******************************
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

******************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

****************************
One more. . .. . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After
catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell...VERY bad!

They tried everything -- cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam-cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days -- and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

Bravery

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

Confessions

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says: "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

Some Sex facts

Ok, I was sent this. At the end are replies received about some of them. I don't know if these are true or not. Just found them interesting.
DG

Bet you never imagined there could be bizarre laws pertaining to sex. However mind-blowing sex can be, so can certain laws in different parts of the world. Believe them or not, but they're true.

Unbelievable? Well! We do live in a weird world!

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

5. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this one?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Reply's

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Nowadays, they don't kill. They just file for divorce and own everything other than the husband's life (for what its worth) !


8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

You mean a three-some?

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Actually this is not only illegal but physically impossible. Unless you had two dicks.

5. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.

If memory serves it is belived that the blood from the rupturing the hymen is poisonous and it was "discoverd" that foreign men were immune, so they were often hiered to deflower the madens before their weading night.

Other interesting facts....

An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.

The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."

"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals. (Gross!!)

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. (Do the math!)

85% of men who die of heartattacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Golf Lessons

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Hmmm, then your stance is too wide."

Penny for your thought!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well noo, me thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye" said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Important information on the Economic Stimulus Payment

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The following are FAQ's on this payment.

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.Where will the government get this money?
A. From the taxpayers.

Q.So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Yes. Minus expenses and administrative costs.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to buy a High Definition tv, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Next question.

Q. Why can't I just pay less taxes and spend what I've earned?
A. Shut up!

What follows is additional advice on how to spend your Economic Stimulus Payment wisely and benefit the US economy:

Spend it at Wal-Mart...it goes to China.

Spend it on gasoline...it goes to the Arabs.

Spend it on a computer...it goes to India or Indonesia.

Spend it on fruits and vegetables...it goes to Mexico, Hondouras or Guatemala.

Spend it on a car...it goes to Japan.

Spend it on useless crap...it will go to Taiwan.

None of this will help the American economy, we need to keep that money here.

Spend your Economic Stimulus Payment on prostitutes, lotteries, beer (domestic only), yard sales, baseball games, football games, basketball games or tattoos, since those are the only businesses left in America. Happy spending.

This was sent to me by a woman. Big surprise. LOL

Ultimate Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton
of shit."

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > >

You?ve got to sing it, its especially hysterical!!!


Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

How To Avoid The Flu...free advice...no charge...

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS!!

SO…
I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies).
Drink outdoors on the bar patio...(fresh air),
Tell jokes, laugh...(eliminate stress),
Then pass out…(rest),
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

Guts vs. Balls

Had a smiliar joke about five pages ago.
DG



Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

California in 1850


Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?
1.) California became a state.
2.) The State had no electricity.
3.) The State had no money.
4.) Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5.) There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus...!

THE NAME GAME

A Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan …and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

HOBOSEXUAL

A woman went before the judge to explain why she wanted to divorce her husband.
She said, “I can’t stand his hobosexuality.”
The judge replied, “I think you mean homosexuality.”
“No,” she said, “I mean hobosexuality. He’s a bum fuck.”

Stressed out

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she's still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Sarah Pippolini

Three nuns rock up to the Pearly gates together. St Peter welcomes them warmly. Sisters, because you three have been completely selfless your entire lives, always putting others before yourselves, the big bloke upstairs has told me to give you a special reward. You can be anyone you like, living or dead on Earth for the next ten years. And I do mean ANYONE.

The first nun says, "I want to be Cindy Crawford."
"Step through the door and you're Cindy Crawford."

The second nun says, "can I be Whoopi Goldberg?"
"Of course," replies St. Peter, "just step through the door."

The third nun is a very ugly woman. Her face has more wrinkles than a prune that's been salted. She has a handlebar moustache that would make many men envious. She stands five feet two, and her silhouette looks like a pumpkin sitting on a wooden barrel. "I wanna be Sarah Pippolini," says the nun sagely. St Peter looks at his records, then asks his staff. Nobody seems to know who she is. "Sister, can you explain who Sarah Pippolini is?"

The nun reaches into her pocket and produces a wrinkled, yellowing newspaper article. St Peter reads it and says, "no sister the SAHARA PIPELINE was laid by 600 men in a month."

Dating Definitions:

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and may learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located on her chest.

FRIENDS: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw, which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feelings towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attracted two people to each other turned into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NOT SOBER: When your date looking better than when the date started.

LOVE AT 1ST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

THE LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.