Requesting feedback on "The Visit"

dzchoquet

Virgin
Joined
May 17, 2018
Posts
21
I'm new here. Posted one story so far. I asked in Author's Hangout about the fact that I had received no comments (although I did get 9 "favorites"). Someone there suggested posting a link to my story here. Thanks in advance for any candid feedback.
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-visit-74
-- Daniel
 
It's very short and does an okay job (hence your 9 favourites), but doesn't stand out from the crowd. The first two paras are the dreaded back-filler that I never care about but other readers insist on; you then proceed to tell me stuff, but it's all a bit mechanical, Slot A goes into Slot B, and somebody watches.

Technically it's fine, tenses, spelling, grammar, no problems there. Write more next time, explore their feelings, rather than simply describe what they're doing. Make me care about someone, anyone. I can't even remember their names. Keep writing though, find your style :).
 
Thank you, electricblue66. I'm working on my next one and will keep your comments in mind.
That's exactly the sort of feedback I need. Actually there is one typo but maybe you didn't see it!
 
As eb66 pointed out, it is a bit too direct. Most stories benefit from a bit of conflict or tension, which is lacking in your story. Everybody openly want the same thing, and it's a swift and linear progression to that thing. For instance some inner struggles about conflicting emotions or seductive attempts to lure one of the characters (e.g. the wife or the friend) into the group sex would make it more interesting. It can still end happily with an explicit sex scene. Mine pretty much always do :)
 
My first story was horrendous as regards grammatical and punctuation faults which was why I subsequently submitted an edited version. Yours is nowhere near as bad and any mistakes will work themselves out. I received the same advice as you about the first paragraphs and it is good advice. The story should have started with him arriving and the information in those paragraphs could have been slipped in little by little as the story progressed. Other than that I can’t really compare it with my first two stories because both of them are completely different plots than yours.

Personally I was tempted to read the story fast which is due to the way it’s written. I personally think that it’s the type of story that needs to be relaxed. I’ve received very good advice from EB66 and Melissa about sex scenes and in this story the sex does need to be more explicit and descriptive. It also needs to be a longer part of the story.

It does seem to end very suddenly and would have benefitted by a few more paragraphs and perhaps either finishing with “now I’ve scratched that itch and it’s over” or “let’s meet again and take the relationships further.”
 
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