Peer review please

So I’m now able to write some stories and was wondering if I could get some thoughts on this one.
https://www.literotica.com/s/taken-114

May want to mention that it's NonConsent since not everybody wants to read that category.

I read a little way on this one, but I'm afraid I couldn't get past problems with the grammar. It's all over the place:

Throwing on her robe, she stomped her way to the entrance. Preparing to curse out whoever the fuck stopped her from having a well-deserved release. Once she made it to the door, Shelby yanked the sturdy piece of wood wide open. Instantly letting the bright afternoon sun into her dark living room.

Click to expand...

The two parts I've highlighted aren't complete sentences.

She would be lying if she said, she didn't like what she saw. ... He had nice low all even haircut, that made him appear even younger than he already looked.

Click to expand...

The commas in these sentences shouldn't be there, and you're missing an "a" before "nice".

"Some water would nice."

Click to expand...

...seriously, gotta reread for missing words, and if possible find a beta reader for the stuff you don't catch.

What he didn't know; was that he just set himself up.

Click to expand...

That semicolon doesn't belong there.

...and so on. It's not just an occasional error, this sort of thing is all over the place. I'd recommend reading up on basic grammar: the difference between dependent and independent clauses, what the different punctuation symbols do, that sort of thing. Otherwise it's going to put off a fair few readers.

Appreciate the advice thanks

Bramblethorn said:

May want to mention that it's NonConsent since not everybody wants to read that category.

Click to expand...

My thoughts exactly.

The non-con is mild and non-threatening (I thought); the issue here is the grammar. As Bramblethorn notes, it's all over the place. Tense shifts, incomplete sentences, poor punctuation. I'm usually pretty forgiving when it comes to the quality of the writing itself IF the heart within the subject matter is there. But in this case, I'm afraid, the poor writing was a real struggle (every sentence, just about, went clunk), and it got in the way of everything else. I gave up, didn't score. I couldn't tell you if the story has a heart or not, because so much Writing 101 is needed here.

electricblue66 said:

The non-con is mild and non-threatening (I thought); the issue here is the grammar. As Bramblethorn notes, it's all over the place. Tense shifts, incomplete sentences, poor punctuation. I'm usually pretty forgiving when it comes to the quality of the writing itself IF the heart within the subject matter is there. But in this case, I'm afraid, the poor writing was a real struggle (every sentence, just about, went clunk), and it got in the way of everything else. I gave up, didn't score. I couldn't tell you if the story has a heart or not, because so much Writing 101 is needed here.

Click to expand...

Ok thanks. Is there any sites you can suggest to me for pointers?

gentle504 said:

Ok thanks. Is there any sites you can suggest to me for pointers?

Click to expand...

Sorry, no. I learned to write at school and university in the sixties and seventies, followed by thirty years' writing and reading...I've never had a need to go find a "how to write, tips and tricks" website.

gentle504 said:

Ok thanks. Is there any sites you can suggest to me for pointers?

Click to expand...

Not sites, per se, but run a search in Google or Amazon. (Depending on if you like print books, ebooks, etc.) you can also try local bookstores. In high school and college I took specific Creative Writing classes. "The Elements of Style" by Shrunk & White was our "textbook" in one college course. Then I found a "writing guide" from S. King I liked... Not wanting to buy books...? Lit has some "How Tos" in several topics that may be helpful. Even seeking an editor at Lit could help you.