Swingers: Emma and Noah

Hello everyone,
I'm looking for feedback on the first chapter of my story Swingers : Emma and Noah. It is 1 of 10, and I have a first draft of all ten completed. They are in various stages of revisions.
This chapter has been been edited since I submitted it, I didn't know how long it would take to be approved. So there are things that have already been corrected, but that's okay. Fresh eyes are a good thing.
All feedback is welcome, good or bad. I'm looking to improve the narrative. Also, I will need beta readers for future chapters if anyone is interested.

Thank you for your time,

Carroll

https://www.literotica.com/s/swingers-emma-and-noah-ch-01

Carrollfiers said:

Hello everyone,
I'm looking for feedback on the first chapter of my story Swingers : Emma and Noah. It is 1 of 10, and I have a first draft of all ten completed. They are in various stages of revisions.
This chapter has been been edited since I submitted it, I didn't know how long it would take to be approved. So there are things that have already been corrected, but that's okay. Fresh eyes are a good thing.
All feedback is welcome, good or bad. I'm looking to improve the narrative. Also, I will need beta readers for future chapters if anyone is interested.

Thank you for your time,

Carroll

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We need a link, please.

So silly of me....I added it to the original post. Thank you for catching that!

Carrollfiers said:

So silly of me....I added it to the original post. Thank you for catching that!

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Thank you. I'm on my way out the door, I'll give it a read when I get home from work.

First off there's a lot of technical errors in the story, but I guess here on literotica there's a secret contest going on with how many errors you can have and still get featured. Presumably a number of these errors have already been spotted and fixed, which must have taken a lot of work.

Also what does 'moving to Utah' to make it official even mean? Polygamy has been outlawed there for quite some time, though regardless, I guess when things are 'official' then things people have already been doing for years suddenly become more exciting, which might help explain why the words 'husband' and 'wife' collectively appear 10 times. And speaking of labels, I also didn't really care for the whole 'daddy' thing that was going on, a word that appeared 9 times.

I feel there's an over emphasis of superficial labels and hardly any emphasis at all with developing your characters. You start off with your characters already connected when if anything I would have been more interested to read about how that connection was forged in the first place.

beerlovr88 said:

First off there's a lot of technical errors in the story, but I guess here on literotica there's a secret contest going on with how many errors you can have and still get featured. Presumably a number of these errors have already been spotted and fixed, which must have taken a lot of work.

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Dear pot,

Do you know what contests are, or what it means to be 'featured' on Lit?

Regards,
Doc

P.S.it is not helpful to say "there are problems". Highlight one and explain why. Offer suggestions. This forum is in place for mentoring, not bullying the new.

"Each book was exactly the same.̶'Revenge of the Starlings',̶ book five of the Nebula Saga, in thick bold futuristic font."

This is me being hypercritical. "font" isn't incorrect, but it sounds very technical, or too exact. Loosen your belt, unbutton your shirt (Relax) and use words that don't sound so clinical. Presumably, you aren't talking about futura font (which comes in bold, italic, etc), but a font that looks futuristic. So, this could have read "in big, bold letters." or, better yet:

"Each book was the same copy of book five of 'The Nebula Saga'; with the title 'Revenge of the Starlings' emblazoned across the cover in bold, futuristic letters."

Do you seen what I did? I consolidated two sentences into one, dropped a redundant adjective, gave the same information, emphasized that it's one book of a series (which should be in quotes too), and put in some "splashy" terms to make it grab the readers attention that this means something to the character. Even then, I wanted to put in "latest copy" or "newest" but it started getting too long. As it is, "same copy" sounds too milquetoast.

Also, try to remember that people that like books are people that like to touch it; to feel the texture, or solidness of the book. They lift it to their face to smell the newness (or age) of the book, and the faint lingering printers ink aromas (to make a stronger mental connection to it). They stroke the book endearingly, before setting it down with all the others and sealing the box.
My point is, seeing is one sense. Bring other senses into it. Remember what it was like to fall in love with books, so much that you wanted to write one; then share that feeling with the reader.
If nothing else, I think (naughty Wulf! you forgot those redundant caveats, libitards love soo much!) it will read better.

"t̶h̶a̶t̶ had s̶o̶m̶e̶ gained her some recognition."

I forget where I saw it, but it's common misuse that "that" isn't always necessary. Remove "that" and the sentence remains grammatically correct. That's a good indication that that isn't necessary.
Additionally, I think (redundant caveat!) there are too many some's.

'Nebula Rain Space Slave'

If this is a book title, then it should be in all caps (nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs get capitalized in titles of books, songs and articles, Prepositions, articles, and conjunctions aren’t, unless it's the first word). I'd suggest, adding single quotes, dropping the commas fore and aft.

This is the kind of feedback I was hoping for when I submitted the chapter. Thanks a million.

I have much to work on.

AwkwardMD said:

Do you know what contests are

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Do you know what a secret contest is or how its use would be applied in this context? A secret contest suggests that it's one that's not openly advertised and its use in this context was exagerated for the sake of emphasis. If this concept is lost upon you then let's use a different example: if there's a secret contest between drivers in a city to see how close you can drive to the car in front of you and not get in an accident, then the use of 'contest' is not meant literally -- it's merely suggesting that compared to other cities, there's a lot of tailgaiting.

Be honset. Are you not a native English speaker? I only ask because they tend to struggle the most with colliquial phrases and hyperbole, and your constant struggle with these concepts usually result in you imagining that I've misused a term.

P.S. The OP literally stated that "All feedback is welcome, good or bad", and in response I criticized the redundant use of certain words, a specific sentence that didn't make any sense at all and lack of character development. I also mentioned technical errors which were all over the place, and there's no point in highlighting specifics if the OP already claims to have spotted them.

Meanwhile, all you've done in this thread is criticize the feedback provided by others, as if you're an elitist who thinks that only one type of feedback can be helpful. Maybe you should stop with the pretentious display of personal attacks and focus more on your own feedback that you may or may not want to provide?

A gem in the rough (just needs polishing)

Sorry, I was in a House marathon, and needed a marker to come back to it.

"She picked up her coffee..."

Lots of mentions to aliases and coffee mug sayings, all which need '(titles and names)' I'm not actually sure if an alias would be included in '(alias)' or not, but since your using aliases with nouns, etc as part of the names, it might be best to use it to reduce confusion.

"Finally her popularity was beginning to take hold." awkward phrase.

Okay, maybe this is just me, but I don't know what "r̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶d̶a̶r̶k̶ Sumatran blend" tastes like. Instead of trying to sound like a coffee commercial (Sumatran is a coffee?), and as long as there isn't "poor light blends," then why not try to describe what it tastes like?

"a growing base of devoted fans."

There's at least one instance of tenses not agreeing. If you want to write it in past tense, okay, but make sure all your tenses agree. I saw one and was going to note it, but got sidetracked, and now can't find it.
I usually make the same mistake while writing revisions. A story I'm working on now was written in present tense and in the 30 odd revisions, I added past tense changes. Just saying to be mindful.

I believe you mean "Weddings and glamour shoots..."

I'm not sure if I'm harping on this or not, (I'm sure there's a few libitards who will jump all over me, even if I'm not):
"Unfortunately with the invention of digital photography his services were sharply in decline, but as the book series took off the money began to flow in."
You gave a full explanation of the success of the book series previous to this. Here you describe the decline in the character's husband's photography, but the transition describing going from one to the other, seems a bit abrupt in this sentence. I'd like to see it being said more like:
"As the transition of photography went from film to digital made his services less in demand, my slowly growing fan base started to peak at about the same time."
I'm not sure if I fixed it well enough, but it's like you're talking about lunch and dinner, and expecting people to put two and two together, to add up to four, simply by allusion.

Mention the coffee by brand once, if you like. more than that goes back to it looking like your doing "product placement."

Again, maybe it's me, but:
"Since the release of the book her life had become a hectic blur"
only explains one side of the equation. I mean, it's a love/hate scenario, right? She's grateful that the book is a success, she's pleased that her book is adored by thousands/millions/whatever of fans, but she never anticipated the uglier side that goes with it. Right?
But that's not what you're saying, or you have, but it's scattered all over the place; not clearly enough.

"...it's origins in Georgia by one, Alicia West"

"...pick out those Emma and Noah would take back to their hotel room"
My impression up to this point was that Noah had died, or left after his failed business. Maybe it was the dedication which seemed funereal???

"Emma was starting to relax for the first time in recent memory"
Okay, weren't you just talking about how hectic it all was? Consistency. Flow with your details better.

Also, "in recent memory" is a bad phrase, because, in this case, you're using it as a marker in time. Whereas before, you were using too finely detailed terms, now your using too fuzzy a relative term. I'd go with "in recent months" or "years" depending on how you want to work that.

"Young fit Palace-guards hard and willing to serve." Just a suggestion.

Okay, so they now have so much money, they can afford a new luxury RV with all the bells and whistles, they have a harem (which you note more than the guards) for sexy, fun filled nights, and as a writer, she is probably tickled pink that people love her work, and she travels all over with her husband. I mean, writing isn't a 12 hour a day, grueling over a steaming hot laptop, 5 days a week, all year long "job"... Not saying it's a cakewalk either, but it's a work of love (unless you hate what you do, but the character doesn't seem to feel that way), so any efforts in writing are going to result in a feeling of accomplishment...
Is it me, or have I missed the "hectic"? The pluses seem to heavily outweigh the negatives...

"Noah walked to the bedroom window and pulled up the shade to take a look at the RV parked in the driveway. As he moved across the room Emma admired his strong lean body"
Out of sequence:

1. Noah walked to the bedroom window
2. As he moved across the room Emma admired his strong lean body
3. (He) pulled up the shade to take a look at the RV parked in the driveway

Beyond that, fix as you like.

"little baby girl" I'd suggest you steer clear of excessive adjectives. However, you seem to do it a lot, so maybe you're trying to create your own style. Try to temper creative thoughts. If you do it too often, it might come across as rookie attempts, instead of; that you know what you're doing.

"Trying to convey his displeasure"

"looked down at Emma who was on the verge of a giggle outbreak."

"But I do that anyway. With multiple women. You need to sweeten the pot a little more than that baby."
Why do I suddenly want to play that song by Neil Diamond that goes "Love on the rocks! Ain't no big surprise"? Nit picking, but I expect, if I ever told my future wife this, without saying "But baby, I do every night with you" or "You mean; someone other than you?" to such a loaded suggestion, I'd expect divorce papers would be soon following.
Perhaps I'm suggesting too much realism...

"Above her pussy ̶, written in stylish cursive, the name Lucy Lust."
I'd prefer to read this as:
"Tattooed above her pussy, in cursive script, was the name, 'Lucy Lust'. "
Cursive is already stylish, it's redundant to note it twice.

What I said about "that" was also said about "had."
"...she ̶h̶a̶d̶ gott̶e̶n̶ it one drunken night..."
As with "what," technically it's not incorrect, but it reads better without the extra words.

"Babygirl, I love your warm wet pussy."

"They ̶h̶a̶d̶ made love"

Oh, a one page chapter. Yeah, so anyways, it looks like most of what you did wrong could have been fixed if you passed it by an editor. There's other things like spaces before commas which shouldn't be there, missing commas... that's about it, really, or at least that's all I saw.

It seems to be a good story, foreshadows some and you tend to write to a certain pace, which helps keep the reader interested...

LWulf said:

"Each book was the same copy of book five of 'The Nebula Saga'; with the title 'Revenge of the Starlings' emblazoned across the cover in bold, futuristic letters."

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Going to join you in being hypercritical and say I think you want a comma instead of a semicolon there, would you agree?

thewinedarksea said:

Going to join you in being hypercritical and say I think you want a comma instead of a semicolon there, would you agree?

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meh. I got a t'ing with semicolons lately. Most people don't use them often enough 'cause most people don't know when to use 'em, but I was thinkin' about a comma when I did it and hit semicolon anyways.

The difference between my post and your post, of course being that the OP asked for people's comments, while you're just freely commenting and putting a smiley face on it doesn't change that fact.

See the difference?

If you want to be technical, there's a lot I said that is arguable, and probably could be done better. I'm just offering a voice of what I see.

I was just ribbing you LWulf. All in good humour. No offence intended.

Carroll, I'm an editor. If you'd like me to take a detailed look at this piece or another, feel free to PM me.

This is great stuff LWulf! I'm using your notes as I go through the text.

Thank you so much!

I think it's a great set up for a continuing series. I think it might be fun if you included a scene of Emma doing a book reading. A really over the top purple prose excerpt from one of her books could be delightful both to write and read.

So, good start, but you have a lot to work on. I get the feeling that what you submitted was a bit of a rush job. I'm guessing you were excited about your ideas and couldn't wait to get them down and send them in. There are a number of random capitalizations, for example, that I don't think would have survived a careful rewrite.

Something that is very helpful to me is to sit down, take a little time and read your story to yourself, aloud.

Not only did people like the series, but there was a growing base of devoted fan.

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Emma had hired her as handler, assistant, and in charge of merchandising for her online store.

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Trying convey his displeasure with the costume, without offending his wife.

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She placed her hand on her forehead and fell back on the bed fainting.

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"Okay, I have proposition for you,"

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Every one of those errors would have jumped out at you if you had carefully read them aloud.

You've got a good imagination and I detect a wicked sense of humor. Now you need to hone your technical skills. Take it from me, it's worth the effort.

I'm looking forward to more.

thewinedarksea said:

I was just ribbing you LWulf. All in good humour. No offence intended.

Carroll, I'm an editor. If you'd like me to take a detailed look at this piece or another, feel free to PM me.

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LWulf has offered you terrific advice.

You have given us a very nice line drawing of a story. Color it in.

Thanks...I'm taking your advice and working on it as we speak

MelissaBaby said:

LWulf has offered you terrific advice.

You have given us a very nice line drawing of a story. Color it in.

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Yes I feel bad for ribbing about the semicolon now. LWulf has definitely given lots of thoughtful and useful advice and I'm happy there are so many helpful people on the forums.

thewinedarksea said:

Yes I feel bad for ribbing about the semicolon now. LWulf has definitely given lots of thoughtful and useful advice and I'm happy there are so many helpful people on the forums.

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My apologies. My remarks were meant to be addressed to the OP.