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Old 07-20-2018, 08:41 AM   #76
Angedesoleil
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No words, just *hugs*

... and keep the quilt. It can go to the kids later. Keep the quilt
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Old 07-22-2018, 05:55 PM   #77
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As I stated in my original post, I lost my wife on 10/5.


And can somebody please fucking explain to me how these morons can claim on the one hand that God has a plan, but on the other every time they pray they sound like Beavis and Butthead "This sucks! Change it!" What happened to his plans being for the best? I may not be the brightest Crayola in the box, but something just doesn't quite gibe.

From the bottom of what remains of my heart, thank you.

I don't think God has a plan, if anything were all just lucky we get as old as we do without getting eaten by bears or the stray ice storm. I do take a little solace in thinking we are tiny parts in a much bigger crazy shitstorm of existence, and whatever party of that I can experience or be a part of, that makes me excited.

Sorry if that doesn't help *hugs*
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Old 07-28-2018, 11:55 AM   #78
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Let Your Love Light

So, it's been a bit of a rough row to hoe for the last week. Not anything dramatic really. Just had a summer cold land on my face one day and then spread to my lungs the next and turn into fucking pneumonia or something. Not really important other than just as an explanation as to why I was out of commission for a couple of days since I couldn't sit up without passing out.

Any road, I seem to be on the mend, although I'm still a tad worried one of these coughs is going to eject a lung or something. But, better that than the weak crackling wheezes I was able to manage a few days ago before passing out. And I'm able to sit up and stick my nose around a bit.

Which is how I just happened to see this thread when it came floating to the top of the PG (which I rarely peek into).


Just the title alone spoke to me, so I stuck my face in to see what was going on. And I'm pretty glad I did.


I posted a quick, almost pithy response there since I didn't want to hijack a decent thread for my own sob shit. But, the more I reflect on it, the more I felt that I should, maybe, come a little cleaner here in this thread than I have.

I mean, I wasn't exactly hiding anything. Not in the sense that player might or whatever. Although maybe I was since it was largely out of deference to her wishes that I haven't bruited around just everywhere and anytime about her and what she's done for me.


So, backing up the narrative for a bit... Yeah, around Valentines wasn't really a good time for me as anyone who read my postings around then could tell.


Well, it was right around then that she PMd me for the first time.


Honestly compels me to admit that I'd had a few from nice and well-meaning people. I generally tried to respond in kind but didn't really go out of my way to encourage anything more. I'm not knocking anyone for anything, but I've really never been here to "play" and for sure wasn't ready then.


Now, I'm not about to discuss anything that was said to me in private, not even to confirm who may or may not have spoken to me there. Perhaps I'm just really strange, and maybe it's a holdover from my training to be a professional counselor, but I'm just a big believer that "in private" means "in confidence."


Any road, the time has worn on, as it has a tendency to do. And I looked up one day and realized I love her.


Well, that just confused the shit out everything as far as I was concerned. I mean, even just the word alone is confusing as hell. As near as I've been able to figure out that simple four letter word has at least seven disparate definitions where it can be used while still using it truthfully.


But, I tend to be a simple man and prefer simple solutions to the Gordian knot. A long, long time ago, I heard that bit about "no greater love has a man." And it left an impression. Honestly, I've probably stepped between people I didn't even really know and harm more than most here would probably be willing to credit or even want to know.


The thing is... I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with my logic here. But, if you are willing to die for a stranger, then I don't really know that it is all that efficient a benchmark for love really.


But,...


But, what if you were hurting so much that... Well, maybe you weren't actively trying to die, but you weren't really fighting it that much either. I think... and this is just me thinking out loud... But, I think maybe in that scenario, when life wasn't really a palatable choice that finding someone that made it seem a little more palatable maybe is a benchmark of love? Forget dying for me. Do you love me enough to live?


Actually, now I think about it, that seems like it may be a half-remembered line from a movie or a book or something.

And yes, I'm a closet romantic. Bite me.

Now, here's the thing. What I think is maybe a bit ironic really. It doesn't matter so much that she actively stated that she did not want me to love her and denies returning the feeling even now. That doesn't matter so much. Would I be happy if she did? Well, sure. But, I'm fine if she doesn't because just the feeling of me caring at all, much less so much, has added an extra shine to the sunbeams, an extra kiss to the wind, and an extra wetness to heaven's tears.

I don't know. I'm probably not making much sense as I try to express what is in my mind and my heart.


And it's, I think, pretty different from what most people think. But, I think... Well, let's try it this way.


Since I began posting to this thread and ripping open my breast to allow my pain and struggle to bleed out onto the screen, several of you have posted responses in the open forum. Several more have posted me Private Messages. And one, in particular, has been a steady correspondent through email. (between thirty and a hundred messages per day depending on what else is going on is "steady," right?)


But, what I don't know if you can understand, those of you who might still be reading this, is that it's not really so much that you cared enough to reach out a helping hand. I mean, that helped. Yes. But, it was really more that you showed enough of your true self to allow me to care about you that I think gave me back a bit of a fuck to give.


(Yes, even you JaF0. Now shut the fuck up and don't embarrass either of us more than we already are, ass.)


Any road, I don't know. That's probably all about clear as mud. And if you are still coming around to read this, you've got to be some kind of masochist. But, if you are, I just wanted to say...

Don't worry so much about whether you care about me. I'm not. Just don't be shy to let me give a care about you.

Be who you are. 'Cause from what I've seen, that's a pretty cool thing.

**cue the music**
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.
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Old 07-28-2018, 12:59 PM   #79
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zoim_wTR1fU

One of my all time favorite lines. I love how he considers walking away. I read a fantastic thesis on this scene one time.
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"Joy, for with joy comes peace. With Joy and Peace come Love.
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Old 07-31-2018, 03:55 AM   #80
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Ewobbit/Puck,

You know how I feel about your writing of stories, I love them. But, that doesn't come close to what I'm feeling now as I read this thread.

I'm not ashamed to say I've stalked you tonight as I stalked you two years ago after reading your posts. I've looked at your stories to read at a later date.

The depth of your words that I've read tonight almost overwhelms me... until I read that you've discovered you can care again. That pleased me so very much.

It means you've started to live again. Not that it will ever be the same, but it means you aren't giving up. I hope you never do, the world would be a much sadder place without you in it.
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Old 08-01-2018, 01:33 PM   #81
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*sigh*

You know... I know how very much I owe you.


And when you wake me up because you need to pee or poop, I really appreciate it. Mere words can't describe just how much I appreciate it considering the size of your turds!


When you wake me up because you are hungry, I understand it. And I don't really mind, despite how I grumble and make you laugh.



But, when you wake me up just so you can claim my spot on the bed with your head on my pillows...




If I didn't love you so much, not least because you are absolutely adorable, I could really loathe you right this moment.
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.
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Old 08-05-2018, 05:02 PM   #82
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~ I can't I'll edit this later. You have a friend who DEEPLY cares you take care of you and don't you make me worry about you Grumps. I need you to cry bullshit on me. I need to know you're ok I need to know you're still kicking up a storm and being the stand up you are. You give me hope and you make me stronger. You are the one on my shoulder telling me it's ok to keep kicking at the dark until it bleeds daylight. I've got a shit ton of dark in my life grumps... I kinda need you. Always will. So you do you but you come back here and tell me you are ok. Ok?

Who else is going to get grrr and abner and who the hell else will know EXACTLY when to make me say it for real. You aren't done grumps. I've still got a lot of growing to do .

Please.
~ Kiddo
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The keeper of my pillow fort is An ExiledWelshman.
I'm planting Joy this year.
"Joy, for with joy comes peace. With Joy and Peace come Love.

Last edited by Angedesoleil : 08-05-2018 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 08-05-2018, 05:08 PM   #83
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Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
But, when you wake me up just so you can claim my spot on the bed with your head on my pillows...
My cat sometimes miaows at me until I get up to see what's wrong, then immediately steals my chair. I fall for it every time.
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Old 08-05-2018, 05:49 PM   #84
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My cat sometimes miaows at me until I get up to see what's wrong, then immediately steals my chair. I fall for it every time.
My three hooligans (pictured in my profile, whom I still blame completely and totally on Love. [I take the blame for Daisy. But, the cats are all her fault]) don't mess with me too much when I'm awake. But, when I'm asleep...


The grey one, Smoke, will come try to reach my face. Supposedly to nuzzle. But, while I was born at five minutes after midnight, it wasn't last night. I know this fucking game and burrow under the covers to hide. And he will walk on my face, even sticking his paw in my mouth. And just wait. Until I make the mistake of sticking my head out.


And he'll give me both barrels of a sneeze. ACHOO!


Then, he's content and will snuggle up and go to sleep while I'm still wiping my face.


Skeezix, the medium hair, will wait until I actually am asleep. Then she'll start poking at me with her claws. And if I make the mistake of having my face covered, but my ass is hanging out... well, let's just say there are still some things that will wake me up in a hurry, however deeply I'm asleep.

But, yeah. Daisy got me up that morning and I stumbled in the kitchen to let her outside to potty. But, when she didn't follow me, I cracked open a can and took it to her bowl. However, she wasn't there either. So, I went looking and found her curled up like that with her head on my pillows. She just wanted my spot.

Bitch.


Any road, I'm looking ahead at a bit of a rough week. Our anniversary is... was... the 12th. And we always took this week off to spend time together when we were still working.


So, yeah. I know it's coming, if it's not already here, and am fighting for control of my emotions already.


But, hey. Enough of that sad sack shit, right? The only reason it hurts so much is because it felt so damn good. And if I didn't want the pain, the only way to have escaped it would have been to deny the pleasure.


So, fuck it. I'm riding this roller coaster with my eyes wide open, my arms over my head, and screaming in delight.

What about you, turtle? You gonna be afraid of a little pain, or are you gonna ride this wild ride for every fucking thing you can get out of it? Live, laugh and love like there is no tomorrow. Because when you get right down to it, there isn't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_q7HDWgiHE
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.

Last edited by PuckIt : 08-05-2018 at 08:06 PM.
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Old 08-05-2018, 08:28 PM   #85
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Originally Posted by Angedesoleil View Post
~ I can't I'll edit this later. You have a friend who DEEPLY cares you take care of you and don't you make me worry about you Grumps. I need you to cry bullshit on me. I need to know you're ok I need to know you're still kicking up a storm and being the stand up you are. You give me hope and you make me stronger. You are the one on my shoulder telling me it's ok to keep kicking at the dark until it bleeds daylight. I've got a shit ton of dark in my life grumps... I kinda need you. Always will. So you do you but you come back here and tell me you are ok. Ok?

Who else is going to get grrr and abner and who the hell else will know EXACTLY when to make me say it for real. You aren't done grumps. I've still got a lot of growing to do .

Please.
~ Kiddo
Don't worry about me, Kiddo. My fight or flight short-circuited before birth.
Backing up to get a running start should never be confused for my giving up.


And, no. I don't always manage to kick those holes in the darkness to let the light bleed through. Sometimes I have to light my own candle.
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.
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Old 08-06-2018, 06:11 AM   #86
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I'm not good at lighting candles. Making good productive use of them yes... but I'm a kicker.
*breathes*
I still stand by my statement... I don't have that many friends to lose so... I'm going to continue being a pain in your butt. Gotta stay.
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The keeper of my pillow fort is An ExiledWelshman.
I'm planting Joy this year.
"Joy, for with joy comes peace. With Joy and Peace come Love.
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Old 08-06-2018, 09:12 AM   #87
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Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
The grey one, Smoke, will come try to reach my face. Supposedly to nuzzle. But, while I was born at five minutes after midnight, it wasn't last night. I know this fucking game and burrow under the covers to hide. And he will walk on my face, even sticking his paw in my mouth. And just wait. Until I make the mistake of sticking my head out.
Mine used to drool into my nose, which is pretty horrific.
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Old 08-06-2018, 09:24 AM   #88
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I'm not good at lighting candles. Making good productive use of them yes... but I'm a kicker.
*breathes*
I still stand by my statement... I don't have that many friends to lose so... I'm going to continue being a pain in your butt. Gotta stay.
Cute tent!
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Old 08-07-2018, 01:49 PM   #89
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Sitting outside last night with my discount therapy puppy, a neighbor happened to walk by and noticed me out there. Now, Willard is a good guy. A truly decent man. And about the only problem I have with him is that when the two of us get together, we just can't seem to shut the fuck up!

If I had a nickel for every quart of ice cream I've carted home that would have been fine even with my slow ass taking a good 45 minutes to limp home, that then melted when we paused to say hello and launched into an hour and a half or more just swapping stories.

Any road, yeah. He worries about me. Unnecessarily so, I keep telling him. But, when he found me all put passed out about a week ago while I had the dog outside because I was fighting pneumonia...

So, last night, we were talking about this, that, and the other thing. And, I don't know. But, something he said sparked the memory of what I'd shared over here, and I reshared the stories of the four people I mentioned there.

I don't know. I don't pretend to be any great sage or philosopher. But, I think all too often, people make themselves unhappy by counting up all the things they don't have that they wish they did, and looking right past what they do have that someone else doesn't.

And I don't know. I'm probably making a hash of this.

But, I think it's no bad thing to desire to better your life and take steps to do it. And I think it's no bad thing to be content with what you have and are. I just think that if either is making you unhappy, you should do a bit more of the other than you are.
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.
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Old 08-07-2018, 01:53 PM   #90
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Very wise words, Puck.
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Old 08-07-2018, 02:12 PM   #91
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Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
I don't know. I don't pretend to be any great sage or philosopher. But, I think all too often, people make themselves unhappy by counting up all the things they don't have that they wish they did, and looking right past what they do have that someone else doesn't.

And I don't know. I'm probably making a hash of this.

But, I think it's no bad thing to desire to better your life and take steps to do it. And I think it's no bad thing to be content with what you have and are. I just think that if either is making you unhappy, you should do a bit more of the other than you are.
So much this.

I've reached a few firsts - birthday, our anniversary. In about a month, one year since he died.

It's the days leading up that throw me in a funk. Despair, even, for what I lost, omg - what he lost, his kid lost. ALL THE FUCKING THINGS WE LOST.

My new mantra: it is what it is. I can't change that he died. I can change me. My outlook. I am content with what we had, what he gave me, what we shared. A really big love.

I got that.

Thanks for sharing your stuff.

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Old 08-15-2018, 04:02 PM   #92
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I was wrong. All along, I was wrong.

The best thing, for everyone involved, is for me to not give a fuck. I'm obviously bad at it. And I have hurt the one person that I least wanted to.

I won't be back. I will be contacting my internet provider to cancel my service.

Thank you to all of you who have given me so much support since I opened this thread. I am only sorry that I have once again proved myself to not be worth it.
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.
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Old 08-15-2018, 05:07 PM   #93
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~ I can't I'll edit this later. You have a friend who DEEPLY cares you take care of you and don't you make me worry about you Grumps. I need you to cry bullshit on me. I need to know you're ok I need to know you're still kicking up a storm and being the stand up you are. You give me hope and you make me stronger. You are the one on my shoulder telling me it's ok to keep kicking at the dark until it bleeds daylight. I've got a shit ton of dark in my life grumps... I kinda need you. Always will. So you do you but you come back here and tell me you are ok. Ok?

Who else is going to get grrr and abner and who the hell else will know EXACTLY when to make me say it for real. You aren't done grumps. I've still got a lot of growing to do .

Please.
~ Kiddo
Grumps.... not the way to go...really. shit happens. We make tge wrong call. Are you seriiusly going to leave me to sit here wondering ** again** ?? And what if it does go south huh? What if it does bite me in the ass. You wont even be tgere to yell at?
Cmon. You arent one to hide. You arent one to walk away. I shouldnt lose a frirnd out of this. You shoukdnt lose two.
Sleep. Eat. Dont go. Dont give me running start bullshit. Yes im mad. Yes im scared shitless. But i still say good friends are hard to find and you are one. Im not going to forgive it if you walk away too. You promised to not do tgat. Keep your word.

~ kiddo
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I'm planting Joy this year.
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Old 08-15-2018, 05:15 PM   #94
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Yeah! Like I said in my message


We need you!
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And though she be but little, she is fierce ~ Shakespeare


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Old 08-15-2018, 06:26 PM   #95
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You don't seem like a leaver. I hope you'll refunded. Your voice in the BDSM forum has been much appreciated.
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Old Yesterday, 04:16 PM   #96
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So, Steve Perry after having to retire from music after shredding his vocal cords with too much touring, fighting off cancer, and despite losing the love of his life not too long ago, released a new song just yesterday.

*sigh*

Ok, Steve. I hear you.
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I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way!

>> According to Little One, just another old coot giving advice. It's probably bad advice, but it's free.

>>My semi-literate drivel

>>Feel free to tell me how to go about giving a fuck (or reading what others smarter than I say about it if you have no clue either) over here.

Last edited by PuckIt : Yesterday at 04:28 PM.
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