Advice for a newcomer?

RemainingAnon · Aug 30, 2014

Hi everyone, just signed up but I've lurked here on and off for years. When I first started dating I actually came here for gspot fingering tutorials and I think that skill is why I can proudly boast that my girlfriend wants sex as badly if not more so than myself, so big thanks to this forum for that years ago!

Fast forward many many years later and I'm still happily with that same girl but we're going through something of a sexual renaissance and I'm getting kind of lost so I could really use some help. It's a lot of stuff in a lot of different directions so I wasn't sure where to post. Any advice on the topics themselves or what forum I should go to post about it would be very helpful!

Soooooo... here goes, question dump!

1) I've had a great sex life with my girlfriend for years but in the last year or so she's started expressing more and more interest in things that sound like they are leading to mild bdsm stuff. I'm guessing I haven't learned this stuff until now since she's very shy. These things include, in order, spanking, holding her down, holding her throat while having sex, being tied down to the bed, being blindfolded, talking dirty (calling herself my personal slut/slave/whore/etc). She tells me she wants me to take more charge and dominate her and she seems to want to have as little control or pressure to perform as possible. This all honestly came down really fast and I'm not naturally a dominant personality so I'm not sure what to do. I'm expected to lead and control but I don't quite know what I'm doing. She keeps telling me I can do whatever I want to her but I know for a fact that she's not cool with what I want to do (anal) so that sort of breaks the illusion of being the "master." I'm fine that she doesn't want anal, I can suppress my curiosity, but like I said it feels weird to be the "master" with restrictions.

2) In line with the above, she's interested in me purchasing a gag, new lingerie (never bought before), and a dildo for her. The gag seems straight forward, lingerie seems challenging since she has very small breasts and she's told me it can be hard to find stuff that fits, and the dildo I'm all kinds of lost about. I've read around that when buying a dildo for your gf/wife you want to make sure it's smaller than you are, is that a concern? Maybe a small egg vibrator or one of those straight cylindrical dildos would be best?

3) Overall I'm excited and she seems like she's opening up more to new sex stuff faster than ever before. Based on what I've said, anything you might suggest I try?

I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff so it feels really good to get all this off my chest. It all feels a bit overwhelming. Thank you!

NippleMuncher · Aug 30, 2014

1 - Embrace the change.
2 - Proceed slowly and with caution.
3 - Discuss with her, in detail, what she wants and expects.
4 - Research the topic together, find videos depicting the things she wants to try to give you guidance.
5 - For God's sakes, buy her some lingerie! Take her by the hand, walk her into a lingerie store and choose something together for her to try on, then buy it for her.
6 - Toy shop together, she can choose the types of things she finds interesting. As to size of implements, that's a personal choice. Since you are just starting this journey, I'd suggest smaller sizes and work your way up if that is the mutual goal.
7 - Anal is not for all people. Having said that, what are her reservations about it? What about anal play? What about butt plugs?
8 - Mastering - just because she wants to be dominated does not give you permission to force her to do anything. She is the one who is actually in control. This is where frank discussions and research of the subject come into play, well before you get to the bedroom.
9 - Safe word - HAVE ONE

fire_breeze · Aug 30, 2014

RemainingAnon said:
Hi everyone, just signed up but I've lurked here on and off for years. When I first started dating I actually came here for gspot fingering tutorials and I think that skill is why I can proudly boast that my girlfriend wants sex as badly if not more so than myself, so big thanks to this forum for that years ago!

Fast forward many many years later and I'm still happily with that same girl but we're going through something of a sexual renaissance and I'm getting kind of lost so I could really use some help. It's a lot of stuff in a lot of different directions so I wasn't sure where to post. Any advice on the topics themselves or what forum I should go to post about it would be very helpful!

Soooooo... here goes, question dump!

1) I've had a great sex life with my girlfriend for years but in the last year or so she's started expressing more and more interest in things that sound like they are leading to mild bdsm stuff. I'm guessing I haven't learned this stuff until now since she's very shy. These things include, in order, spanking, holding her down, holding her throat while having sex, being tied down to the bed, being blindfolded, talking dirty (calling herself my personal slut/slave/whore/etc). She tells me she wants me to take more charge and dominate her and she seems to want to have as little control or pressure to perform as possible. This all honestly came down really fast and I'm not naturally a dominant personality so I'm not sure what to do. I'm expected to lead and control but I don't quite know what I'm doing. She keeps telling me I can do whatever I want to her but I know for a fact that she's not cool with what I want to do (anal) so that sort of breaks the illusion of being the "master." I'm fine that she doesn't want anal, I can suppress my curiosity, but like I said it feels weird to be the "master" with restrictions.

2) In line with the above, she's interested in me purchasing a gag, new lingerie (never bought before), and a dildo for her. The gag seems straight forward, lingerie seems challenging since she has very small breasts and she's told me it can be hard to find stuff that fits, and the dildo I'm all kinds of lost about. I've read around that when buying a dildo for your gf/wife you want to make sure it's smaller than you are, is that a concern? Maybe a small egg vibrator or one of those straight cylindrical dildos would be best?

3) Overall I'm excited and she seems like she's opening up more to new sex stuff faster than ever before. Based on what I've said, anything you might suggest I try?

I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff so it feels really good to get all this off my chest. It all feels a bit overwhelming. Thank you!

Welcome to Lit

NM has covered all of your questions thoroughly (and with his awesome caustic wit

), although I would like to reiterate his number 10, that is the safe word. Have one. This is non-negotiable. Also you may consider having a checklist. You both complete a separate one (a list of go ahead, meh but don't care, hard limits and soft limits) and compare. My hard limits, for example, are hard limits - they are not up for discussion (as is my all's), so make sure that you are on the same page about that (for an example of a checklist, click me). It's crucial that you are on the same page. If anal is out of the question, sorry buddy, but that means it's out of the question. She may be open to anal play, but even if you are her dom, that does not give you the right to cross the line. Being a Dom is a huge responsibility, and unless you are willing to take it, then stay far away.

Being a mistress/master/dominant/top/ruler-of-the-universe doesn't mean that you get free-for-all. There will always be limits, and any mistress/master/dominant/top/ruler-of-the-universe worth their salt will respect those 'restrictions'. Sorry to burst your bubble on that. It means that within the agreed parameters, you control/do what you want within the limitations that you and your partner(s) agreed on. It also means taking care of your needs along with your partners. It's a mutually reciprocative relationship.

As for opening up to new sexual experiences, we are not your girlfriend. Most people on the How-To encourages open discussion about sex in a non-threatening environment. Some would suggest to have these conversations outside of the bedroom, but for my all and I, we talk about it anywhere, including in bed, so YKMV on this one.

I understand that your girlfriend may be shy, but it's imperative that she speaks up, ESPECIALLY if you two are playing more roughly than usual. It's not fair to you if she doesn't tell you what works or doesn't, and frankly, it can be quite dangerous. An idea is to read stories together and figure out which ones you both like. Or, seeing as she wants you to have a bit more control, tell her that one of her tasks is to tell you what she wants. Something gentle like that. The point is to get the two of you started on talking about likes and dislikes about sex. It has been my personal philosophy if I am not willing to talk about sex - or a particular sexual experience - I should not be having it.

You may also want to peruse the BDSM Talk, BDSM Cafe and you definitely will want to check out the BDSM Library. That said, most How-Toers are extremely open-minded, if not in the lifestyle themselves and will be happy to answer any questions.

Good luck and enjoy your stay.

JAMESBJOHNSON · Sep 2, 2014

As the official FIREBREEZE translator lemme decipher her post above. IT AINT HANES TILL I SAY ITS HANES. That is, she has control issues. I'm confident she'd pee her pants if you held her down and tickled her.

Advice for a newcomer?

RemainingAnon

Virgin

NippleMuncher

Masticatus Nipplicanis

fire_breeze

Softly Seductive

JAMESBJOHNSON

Guest

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