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Old 01-13-2017, 04:28 AM   #101
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Some topics are worth staying up for.
And you just happened to be in the neighborhood?

Or you smelled it from 200 miles away?
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:47 AM   #102
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Thank you for understanding that it's different for someone who usually operates in one role to do it the other way.

It takes a lot out me to be in charge, it makes me vulnerable in a different way than subbing does. It's worth it if I know that the goals are being accomplished, but I need to hear that.
This thread is really interesting for the wide variety of views yet the understanding that all have of the need to explore this side of things.

When I have been Top, for want of a better phrase, I think it's been more gentle maledom rather than harder Dom, though I have been able to play that for one who wanted it. Looking back what I wanted after a particularly dominant session was a chance to lose control for a little while. Not to the same extent as she had and with this particular partner to have admitted this would have lost something of the Dom status she so keenly needed me to be. I think that this was less satisfactory for me than the lighter Dom times, and perhaps that was because I could see myself switching with that partner quite easily!

Liz - a shame that it's not so easy for you to gain that satisfaction but I sense that the pluses of how you are with hubby greatly outweigh that slight negative, and I envy you that level of sexual compatibility!
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Old 01-13-2017, 05:01 AM   #103
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This thread is really interesting for the wide variety of views yet the understanding that all have of the need to explore this side of things.
.. it is.
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Old 01-13-2017, 12:51 PM   #104
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Originally Posted by LizVegas79 View Post
That's a very excellent point. Understanding both sides of the sub/dom dynamic from personal experience makes the whole experience so much richer for both parties. (that's, unfortunately, the dynamic missing between me and my husband)

I know this probably strays off course, but as an older bi women I think the understanding both sides is even more important for women who are curious about exploring gentle femdom with another woman/women.
,
Agree? Disagree?

I would think it would be easier to understand the domme/sub dynamic when both parties are of the same gender. Those of us of an older age were raised from childhood for gender-specific roles. Those roles get in the way when a man wants to explore his submissive side or a woman her dominant side, because those aren't the roles we were raised to play. But if a woman wants to domme another woman, only one of them has to cross that role boundary. Likewise with a man dominating another man.

Now granted, those roles are no longer as rigid as they were in the 50s and early 60s, but I don't think they've totally disappeared either.

But I'm only theorizing.
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Old 01-13-2017, 01:44 PM   #105
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Hello, and thank you for joining us!



It seems that by 'Gentle,' most are meaning that it involves fewer of the more extreme aspects of typical FemDom, and leans heavily in the direction of a more sensual style. Would you agree with that?
I would absolutely agree with that miss Honey. The harsh, more extreme side of this does not attract me much, whereas the Idea of not being in control turns me on enormously...

I do really wonder if people here (men or ladies) have any experience with a D/s relationship that was purely online... As I have said, The idea lures me, but I cannot imagine employing it in my real life...

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Old 01-13-2017, 02:24 PM   #106
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Some good posts here! Loved reading this thread. Thanks to all.

I really like the idea of 'gentle' FemDom, with the occasional pushing of limits to "hard" stuff as long as it was 1) fully consensual and 2) pleasurable for both partners.

One thing that I worry about with a female led relationship is the possibility of it becoming a "Slave" vs "Submissive" thing. I.e. it becomes more about the male submitting to a laundry list of chores and protocols outside of "playtime" as opposed to strictly in a steamy BDSM session. NOT that I am opposed to the idea of a malesub wanting to do thoughtful things to please his partner, in fact I believe that should be a part of ANY relationship regardless if whether there is any "kink" involved.

But it seems like a lot of female dominants want a service oriented slave boy, someone she can rule every aspect of his life as much (if not more) than a BDSM play partner.
Perhaps for some, a laundry list of chores and protocols IS a steamy BDSM session.

The second bolded part seems to be summing up a cliched stereotype. It would be amazing to find the unicorn "boy" who wanted to do my dishes in exchange for me telling him when to piss. That being said, I've seen aspects of this relationship exist. I've been the beneficiary of a male service sub's domestic services.
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Old 01-13-2017, 02:51 PM   #107
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I consider myself a Gentle Domme. I don't like the idea of humiliation and I never did. Instead I boost his ego until he is so dependent on me that that he allows me to do anything to him later on.

It has always worked for me and although most Dommes disagree with me, men love it. In fact I was at Domme party few months ago and one particilar Mistress, the hottest one, laughed at me only to find out the next day that her slave decided to team up with me;-)
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Old 01-13-2017, 02:56 PM   #108
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Originally Posted by LucyCanyon View Post
<snip>

So if gentle femdom is taking a little of my liberty, choosing a little of my clothing, edging me and teasing, and a light OTK spanking, the odd toy and the final sharing of orgasmic pleasure, then bring it on. Finding someone to trust to do this and right is a little harder I think.
I was with someone I called Master, at that time I thought in "slave" terms. At one point, he asked me to use a strap-on to fuck him. <--- my reply. I thought that was soooooo submissive of him.

How cliche of me! A dominant man can't enjoy having his ass fucked by a willing, sexy woman!? He actually had to "order" me to do it - which was the mindset I had at that time. It was awesome. He enjoyed it. I learned a huge lesson that what you like is what you like.

He enjoyed it when I picked out his clothes - he was terrible at it. He loved it if I initiated sex. Again, at that time, I needed to be given permission to take the initiative. Now, that wouldn't really work for me. My point though, is the act doesn't really define the relationship. It's more the mindset. Right?


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Originally Posted by Erlind View Post
I'm 29 and was mostly introduced to BDSM on Lit. I consider myself a switch, but tend to play a dominant role more. I've done a fair bit of role playing here and elsewhere that's gone pretty far, but my sex life at home is mostly vanilla with the occasional dash of spice.

It usually takes someone special to draw out my submissive side though I do love it when it happens. I'm not a fan of humiliation or stomping on my genitals. I'm not adverse to a little pain, but I just don't see where that gets fun.

I would like to note at this point that I don't know if I what I enjoy constitutes gentle fem dom or not, but it sounds way closer than anything else I've seen. I love the idea of her just being willing to walk away being enough to make me cringe and behave. I like a woman who takes control and takes what she wants, and enjoys it. I like a woman who controls my pleasure, not denies it. Sometimes she'll be predatory and other times kind. Sometimes she will be downright sadistic, but I can't help, but want more.

I guess what I'm echoing of everyone else is that I'm not a fan of cold or detached. I'm a huge fan of controlled passion. And when I'm truly able to slip into being submissive its damn addictive.

Oh, and separate note, whether a dom is wearing jeans and a t-shirt or leather she can be damn sexy either way. I enjoy both.

Wouldn't for some the walking away, being predatory and sadistic be more cruel than ball stomping? There's a thread here somewhere on emotional punishment. I hear what you're saying about tempering it with kindness and eventually allowing you pleasure.

At times, I tend to enjoy harsh play. I want tears, I want to be hurt, I need to cry. Gentle teasing would make me more frustrated.


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Originally Posted by Wild_Honey_66 View Post
Good morning, Lucy and Erlind - glad you've joined the conversation!

Lucy, I like the reminder you give that subs feel they need permission to do things they already want, and that Dom/mes are doing them a favor (in a nice way ) by 'forcing" them to do it. I also love the bit about shared orgasmic bliss. That's really what it's all about - or should be - sharing the pleasure.

THIS. So much.

This is why the more extreme versions turn me right the fuck off. I'm a pleaser, I want to give pleasure, not deny it. How can I have a good time if I know he isn't? If that works for some people, okay, but it's not for me. D-types are in positions of serving just as much as s-types, and have a responsibility to meet their subs' needs as well as their own.

I'm curious why you think he's not having a good time?? I know this thread is gentle FemDom, not harsh, sadistic Domination But I think there's a middle ground. I want to point out that - for me - it IS meeting my needs to have my pleasure denied. And he is getting pleasure as well. At least his hard cock is telling me this!


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Originally Posted by LizVegas79 View Post
Well, this thread was probably created with the spirit of open (or not) confession only to the degree that is comfortable for you. So if you need to turtle WH, you go right ahead.

I totally agree with everything Fara just said btw. The doms pretending to be subs don't have nearly the concern and caring for me, at least in my experience, as a true sub.

In my own life, my husband is pretty much by all definitions a dom. 6'4", ex-jock now in professional security. On the few and too far between occasions he lets me turn the tables on him and tie him up, or step on him, or spank him, or make him cum on his own face (for a change lol), it's a total thrill but in the end kind of sucks because it's pretty obvious how he acts afterwards, he pretty much shuts down for a day or two, it's pretty obvious he didn't really enjoy it nearly as much as I did.

Nothing is 100% one way all the time. Open lines of communication, and even more importantly like Fara mentioned, TRUST, are critical for any healthy relationship no matter what the roles in the bedroom are.

You'll know when the person and/or situation is right for you to explore "gentle femdom" further. Wait for it. Cherish it. And most of all, don't beat yourself up over it.

How awesome you and the husband can switch it up. His reaction to uncomfortable play - which makes me horny and wet and provides intense orgasms - is the same as mine. It takes me some time to process what the heck just happened. It doesn't mean I don't love love love it -- it makes my vanilla, suburban, conventional brain think what the fuck did I just do? Eventually, though, I'm back at exploring those interesting, arousing boundaries.

Totally the bolded part. I've learned to be super flexible in my D/s life. Labels used to keep me inside the box. Now, I just see them as a way to start a conversation.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:18 PM   #109
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[quote=cookiecat;83120880]I was with someone I called Master, at that time I thought in "slave" terms. At one point, he asked me to use a strap-on to fuck him. <--- my reply. I thought that was soooooo submissive of him.

How cliche of me! A dominant man can't enjoy having his ass fucked by a willing, sexy woman!? He actually had to "order" me to do it - which was the mindset I had at that time. It was awesome. He enjoyed it. I learned a huge lesson that what you like is what you like.

He enjoyed it when I picked out his clothes - he was terrible at it. He loved it if I initiated sex. Again, at that time, I needed to be given permission to take the initiative. Now, that wouldn't really work for me. My point though, is the act doesn't really define the relationship. It's more the mindset. Right?


Hey Cookie, I think that for some subs, the Dom showing a liking for something that could be perceived as sub takes something away from the Dom. For me it would have enhanced our relationship but that option has gone now... life moves on and a learning experience adds to the fun!

Picking out my clothes, choosing a position or occasionally leading the sex... mmm, sounds like gentle femdom could be fun. An occasional sub friend I meet fancies a switch meet and is a fan of my interest... and I am tempted because I think I would like to see things from the other side. That is the spice, but its also the trust, and I have rarely found anyone who understands and accepts.

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Old 01-13-2017, 03:29 PM   #110
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I'm a sadist, but I'm sweet (generally). I'm not sure what that makes me.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:34 PM   #111
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Hey Cookie, I think that for some subs, the Dom showing a liking for something that could be perceived as sub takes something away from the Dom. For me it would have enhanced our relationship but that option has gone now... life moves on and a learning experience adds to the fun!

Picking out my clothes, choosing a position or occasionally leading the sex... mmm, sounds like gentle femdom could be fun. An occasional sub friend I meet fancies a switch meet and is a fan of my interest... and I am tempted because I think I would like to see things from the other side. That is the spice, but its also the trust, and I have rarely found anyone who understands and accepts.

That's what happened to me at first when he asked me to play with and fuck his ass. It took me out of my awesomely wet headspace. In the end, though (pun!!) - I realized it's about enjoying what he enjoyed. The whole point of this thread!?!!

I wonder about a thread on switching? I think switches get a bad rap. It sounds like you have a good partner to try this with. I went to a class on switching and about five people showed up. It's like no one wanted to admit they stepped outside the label.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:35 PM   #112
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I'm a sadist, but I'm sweet (generally). I'm not sure what that makes me.
Scary fun.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:45 PM   #113
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Originally Posted by DemiAngora View Post
I consider myself a Gentle Domme. I don't like the idea of humiliation and I never did. Instead I boost his ego until he is so dependent on me that that he allows me to do anything to him later on.

It has always worked for me and although most Dommes disagree with me, men love it. In fact I was at Domme party few months ago and one particilar Mistress, the hottest one, laughed at me only to find out the next day that her slave decided to team up with me;-)
This reminds me of a quote by Denzel about women 'speaking life' into their men.
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:23 PM   #114
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That's what happened to me at first when he asked me to play with and fuck his ass. It took me out of my awesomely wet headspace. In the end, though (pun!!) - I realized it's about enjoying what he enjoyed. The whole point of this thread!?!!

I wonder about a thread on switching? I think switches get a bad rap. It sounds like you have a good partner to try this with. I went to a class on switching and about five people showed up. It's like no one wanted to admit they stepped outside the label.
A thread on switching might work but as you note, not many are comfortable with owning up! I don't see her as much as I would like, and other partners are less interested in either end of the spectrum.

Gentle femdom and consensual pegging seem to go hand in hand, and both are rare in my, albeit limited, experience
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:24 PM   #115
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That's what happened to me at first when he asked me to play with and fuck his ass. It took me out of my awesomely wet headspace. In the end, though (pun!!) - I realized it's about enjoying what he enjoyed. The whole point of this thread!?!!

I wonder about a thread on switching? I think switches get a bad rap. It sounds like you have a good partner to try this with. I went to a class on switching and about five people showed up. It's like no one wanted to admit they stepped outside the label.
I was surprised to read this. Even though I don't have much real life experience on the subject, I have always thought that "switches" had the best of both worlds....hmmm, I guess I still think this. Perhaps this isn't the thread for this but; based on your experience, why the bad rap?
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:54 PM   #116
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I was surprised to read this. Even though I don't have much real life experience on the subject, I have always thought that "switches" had the best of both worlds....hmmm, I guess I still think this. Perhaps this isn't the thread for this but; based on your experience, why the bad rap?
There are purists out there who don't believe you can be a dom AND a sub. That switches can’t be ‘real’ submissives or ‘real’ dominants. And the only reason they call themselves switches is because they haven't found the right person yet.

That's not my view, but one I've heard before.
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:57 PM   #117
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There are purists out there who don't believe you can be a dom AND a sub. That switches can’t be ‘real’ submissives or ‘real’ dominants. And the only reason they call themselves switches is because they haven't found the right person yet.

That's not my view, but one I've heard before.
I've heard that, too. I'm friends with 3 people that identify as switch.
One guy even made sure to tell me he was a "true" switch.
I was like, okay... I believe you. But since I'm never going to Domme you I really don't care.
The woman seemed less concerned about her switch status than the men.
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Old 01-13-2017, 06:33 PM   #118
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This is just to say that this thread is a delight. It's exactly what I think our forum should be about.
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Old 01-13-2017, 07:00 PM   #119
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A thread on switching... hm...
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Old 01-13-2017, 07:02 PM   #120
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Perhaps this isn't the thread for this...
Yes it is.
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Old 01-13-2017, 11:05 PM   #121
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There are purists out there who don't believe you can be a dom AND a sub. That switches can’t be ‘real’ submissives or ‘real’ dominants. And the only reason they call themselves switches is because they haven't found the right person yet.

That's not my view, but one I've heard before.
That lets me off the hook then since I'm not very pure But seriously, I find all kinds of things about me tend to be fluid...Hmm, now that doesn't sound good either !
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Old 01-13-2017, 11:14 PM   #122
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That lets me off the hook then since I'm not very pure But seriously, I find all kinds of things about me tend to be fluid...Hmm, now that doesn't sound good either !
LOL! I find it amusingly ironic that in the BDSM lifestyle, where people have all kinds of weird fetishes, that there are those who would become strict and rigid about the lines between dominant and submissive. And that they would ridicule people who want to cross those lines when they choose to.
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Old 01-14-2017, 02:18 AM   #123
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LOL! I find it amusingly ironic that in the BDSM lifestyle, where people have all kinds of weird fetishes, that there are those who would become strict and rigid about the lines between dominant and submissive. And that they would ridicule people who want to cross those lines when they choose to.
I was the one who wrote I thought switches got a bad rap. I don't think anyone is ridiculed - at least in the examples I'm thinking of. It's more that there seemed to be an mindset that you're one way or the other. Dom/me or sub.

Why? It's a bunch of different reasons.

A lot of guys seem like they don't want to admit wanting to be spanked or pegged. Sure, I think they're ok with saying they want to pleasure a woman, make her orgasm, even be told what to do in the bedroom in order to please her. But when it comes to saying spank me, use a plug up my ass, tie me up -- that seems to be not as out in the open if you also want to be a Top or a Dominant as well.

I will say that I've been out of the local kink community for about 3 years. I'd been involved in it for about 10 years. As I was leaving, lots more people were coming in to the community. People seemed to be less hung up on labels and more interested in experiences. More willing to try on different hats, so to speak.
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:07 AM   #124
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I was the one who wrote I thought switches got a bad rap. I don't think anyone is ridiculed - at least in the examples I'm thinking of. It's more that there seemed to be an mindset that you're one way or the other. Dom/me or sub.

Why? It's a bunch of different reasons.

A lot of guys seem like they don't want to admit wanting to be spanked or pegged. Sure, I think they're ok with saying they want to pleasure a woman, make her orgasm, even be told what to do in the bedroom in order to please her. But when it comes to saying spank me, use a plug up my ass, tie me up -- that seems to be not as out in the open if you also want to be a Top or a Dominant as well.

I will say that I've been out of the local kink community for about 3 years. I'd been involved in it for about 10 years. As I was leaving, lots more people were coming in to the community. People seemed to be less hung up on labels and more interested in experiences. More willing to try on different hats, so to speak.
so much truth in this, and funny, i just was talking about labels with someone else.
IMO it's easier for people to put labels and to set boundaries, so it's easier to comprehend and give it a spot in our life.
I do enjoy exploring more then to stick labels on anything. It makes it easier to step out of comfortzones and give it a try.
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Old 01-14-2017, 04:15 AM   #125
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I wonder about a thread on switching? I think switches get a bad rap. It sounds like you have a good partner to try this with. I went to a class on switching and about five people showed up. It's like no one wanted to admit they stepped outside the label.
Witness to the bad rap. I find that people don't know how to interact with a switch, and I kind of get it. I have discussed it with a few (very few) people here and the general response is.. How am I supposed to interact with you if you are one person one day and a different person the next day? Well, that's not how it works (with me), but I understand the sentiment. So for me it's not so much not wanting to step up as it is not wanting to have to define myself over and over to people who can't relate. But I think it's different for guys, see double standard reference below.



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There are purists out there who don't believe you can be a dom AND a sub. That switches can’t be ‘real’ submissives or ‘real’ dominants. And the only reason they call themselves switches is because they haven't found the right person yet.

And the church once insisted that the universe revolved around the earth



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Originally Posted by dale124 View Post
LOL! I find it amusingly ironic that in the BDSM lifestyle, where people have all kinds of weird fetishes, that there are those who would become strict and rigid about the lines between dominant and submissive. And that they would ridicule people who want to cross those lines when they choose to.
My opinion on this is that a kind of code developed (think mafia or biker gangs) because of the generally subversive reputation surrounding a growing awareness of BDSM when it was not accepted at all, considered illegal, persecuted and prosecuted, etc. (I love the biker/leather commonality, as well.) People generally feel better with guidelines in place, and every Dom(me) sub and switch (etc) has input if they will extend it. With the types of people involved and the general public attitude, those guidelines were no doubt harshly argued and fiercely hashed out Given that line of thought, are you still surprised about all the bickering?? I'm not. It became tradition.



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Originally Posted by cookiecat View Post
I was the one who wrote I thought switches got a bad rap. I don't think anyone is ridiculed - at least in the examples I'm thinking of. It's more that there seemed to be an mindset that you're one way or the other. Dom/me or sub.

Why? It's a bunch of different reasons.

A lot of guys seem like they don't want to admit wanting to be spanked or pegged. Sure, I think they're ok with saying they want to pleasure a woman, make her orgasm, even be told what to do in the bedroom in order to please her. But when it comes to saying spank me, use a plug up my ass, tie me up -- that seems to be not as out in the open if you also want to be a Top or a Dominant as well.

I will say that I've been out of the local kink community for about 3 years. I'd been involved in it for about 10 years. As I was leaving, lots more people were coming in to the community. People seemed to be less hung up on labels and more interested in experiences. More willing to try on different hats, so to speak.
I agree that there is a massive double standard in place where penetration is involved, be it anal, oral, vaginal, belly button whatever. Also restraint, and other acts that are traditionally regarded as submissive. These tend to be seen as a weakness, a vulnerability. I think it's more acceptable to most people that these things are enacted on women, by men. Stepping outside of that time honoured dynamic quickly makes people uncomfortable. Even those who end up being uncomfortable with themselves.

Yeach, a switching thread is definitely in order

I'll start one now.
Edit: Started! Find the switching thread HERE.

Meanwhile, back to your regularly scheduled gentle Domme thread.
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Originally Posted by Gianbattista View Post
"The collared and cuffed curly bird is a gregarious and engaging bird, most frequently seen in America, but has been spotted in Europe where it makes itself right at home, enchanting Europeans with its dance and whistle. Though an omnivore, it is fastidious about its cuisine, making some effort to eat favoured titbits over easily plentiful supplies of lesser foods. This bird is also known as the Frivol in some localities."

Last edited by Collar_N_Cuffs : 01-14-2017 at 04:29 AM.
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