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Old 01-12-2017, 04:46 PM   #76
Wild_Honey_66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawyn View Post
Why guilty?
There goes Far, poking around in my brain again.

Part of me likes the tidiness of having things this-or-that, black or white, either/or, and so I feel like a fence-sitter, and obliged to just make up my mind already. And I feel greedy for not being satisfied with just one, but wanting the freedom to do both.

But I think more than that, because of my background, I wrestle with the idea of female dominance as a valid option, which i imagine is why it's been important to me to be supportive of my male friends and acquaintances here at Lit who have an interest in male submission. A lot of them feel the same pressure to conform to a certain standard of behavior and are wary of being judged for what appeals to them.

We're getting into sticky territory for me. If I need to turtle, please feel free to continue the conversation without me.
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Old 01-12-2017, 04:50 PM   #77
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Originally Posted by LizVegas79 View Post
Yeah? There's absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about WH
Thank you, Liz.

It's not an easy thing to talk about here. I'm still working it out for myself, mostly in private.
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Old 01-12-2017, 04:52 PM   #78
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild_Honey_66 View Post
There goes Far, poking around in my brain again.

Part of me likes the tidiness of having things this-or-that, black or white, either/or, and so I feel like a fence-sitter, and obliged to just make up my mind already. And I feel greedy for not being satisfied with just one, but wanting the freedom to do both.

But I think more than that, because of my background, I wrestle with the idea of female dominance as a valid option, which i imagine is why it's been important to me to be supportive of my male friends and acquaintances here at Lit who have an interest in male submission. A lot of them feel the same pressure to conform to a certain standard of behavior and are wary of being judged for what appeals to them.

We're getting into sticky territory for me. If I need to turtle, please feel free to continue the conversation without me.
I always make the distinction between submissive males and Beta males. The latter I see in an extremely negative light. Wanting to be Alpha, but not quite walking the walk.
Submissive males can be just as Dominant in RL, they just like to submit sexually.
Plus, submissive males usually have respect for women on a person level.

As far as the rest? Shades of gray, my friend. Life is messy and not tidy. Don't you want to be so much more than a label?
I do.
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Old 01-12-2017, 05:16 PM   #79
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Well, this thread was probably created with the spirit of open (or not) confession only to the degree that is comfortable for you. So if you need to turtle WH, you go right ahead.

I totally agree with everything Fara just said btw. The doms pretending to be subs don't have nearly the concern and caring for me, at least in my experience, as a true sub.

In my own life, my husband is pretty much by all definitions a dom. 6'4", ex-jock now in professional security. On the few and too far between occasions he lets me turn the tables on him and tie him up, or step on him, or spank him, or make him cum on his own face (for a change lol), it's a total thrill but in the end kind of sucks because it's pretty obvious how he acts afterwards, he pretty much shuts down for a day or two, it's pretty obvious he didn't really enjoy it nearly as much as I did.

Nothing is 100% one way all the time. Open lines of communication, and even more importantly like Fara mentioned, TRUST, are critical for any healthy relationship no matter what the roles in the bedroom are.

You'll know when the person and/or situation is right for you to explore "gentle femdom" further. Wait for it. Cherish it. And most of all, don't beat yourself up over it.
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Old 01-12-2017, 05:28 PM   #80
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Thanks, girls. *sniffles*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawyn View Post
As far as the rest? Shades of gray, my friend. Life is messy and not tidy. Don't you want to be so much more than a label?
I do.
Yes. I do.
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Old 01-12-2017, 05:36 PM   #81
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But enough about me! On with the show!

There is another good discussion thread here... Erochic's 'The Beauty of Submissive Men.'
If someone wanted to do a search and post a link, I'd be totally OK with that.

And maybe Liz could post a link to Asa's pic thread? I've been through the whole thing and most of it doesn't appeal to me but some of it does, and others might find something they enjoy there as well.
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Old 01-12-2017, 06:42 PM   #82
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild_Honey_66 View Post
Thanks, girls. *sniffles*



Yes. I do.
WH, what a lovely thread you have started and developed, don't you be sorry for anything, don't you feel guilty for it either! One of the things I wrestled with when younger was my desires around switching, and around femme attire. I am not and never will be alpha male - wiry is a flattering description of me! I have explored a little of my dom side but really as a top, as I said earlier I have never had so much satisfaction as when "permitting" or "ordering" a sub to just test her limits a little... and seeing her, feeling her pleasure is amazing.

Feeling like I might want a domme to do that for me but in the way that I feel I do for her - that's a challenge, finding someone who copes with my kink and enjoys and is aroused by this is not easy.

What is interesting is that as I grow older I find both I and the people I link with are more open to exploring such things. I hope to explore more with friends I meet here and elsewhere, and I wish you well in your search too
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Old 01-12-2017, 07:25 PM   #83
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Thank you, Lucy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyCanyon View Post
... I have explored a little of my dom side but really as a top, as I said earlier I have never had so much satisfaction as when "permitting" or "ordering" a sub to just test her limits a little... and seeing her, feeling her pleasure is amazing.

Feeling like I might want a domme to do that for me but in the way that I feel I do for her -

What is interesting is that as I grow older I find both I and the people I link with are more open to exploring such things. I hope to explore more with friends I meet here and elsewhere, and I wish you well in your search too
Agreeing with so much you've said.

I understand that within the leather community it used to be traditional to spend time as a sub before becoming a Dom. While I don't know that it's necessary, I do think there is widsom in understanding what it's like on the other side.

And the part about wanting someone to do for you what you've done for her... beautifully said.

I've been so fortunate to find people here who have accepted me as a woman with lots of questions, and have supported and encouraged me as I look for the answers that help me define myself, being ok with the idea that it's a process to enjoy more than an end goal.

Thank you for coming back and adding to the thread, Lucy. And thank you to my dear Café friends and neighbors, too. You guys rock.
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Old 01-12-2017, 07:54 PM   #84
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild_Honey_66 View Post
Thank you, Lucy.



Agreeing with so much you've said.

I understand that within the leather community it used to be traditional to spend time as a sub before becoming a Dom. While I don't know that it's necessary, I do think there is widsom in understanding what it's like on the other side.

And the part about wanting someone to do for you what you've done for her... beautifully said.

I've been so fortunate to find people here who have accepted me as a woman with lots of questions, and have supported and encouraged me as I look for the answers that help me define myself, being ok with the idea that it's a process to enjoy more than an end goal.

Thank you for coming back and adding to the thread, Lucy. And thank you to my dear Café friends and neighbors, too. You guys rock.
That's a very excellent point. Understanding both sides of the sub/dom dynamic from personal experience makes the whole experience so much richer for both parties. (that's, unfortunately, the dynamic missing between me and my husband)

I know this probably strays off course, but as an older bi women I think the understanding both sides is even more important for women who are curious about exploring gentle femdom with another woman/women.

Agree? Disagree?

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Old 01-12-2017, 08:15 PM   #85
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...I know this probably strays off course...
My threads are bunny trail friendly.
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Old 01-12-2017, 08:33 PM   #86
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LizVegas79 View Post
In my own life, my husband is pretty much by all definitions a dom... On the few and too far between occasions he lets me turn the tables on him and tie him up, or step on him, or spank him, or make him cum on his own face (for a change lol), it's a total thrill but in the end kind of sucks because it's pretty obvious how he acts afterwards, he pretty much shuts down for a day or two, it's pretty obvious he didn't really enjoy it nearly as much as I did.
Is aftercare a regular part of your playtime when switching roles? If not, do you think it might have made a difference?

Looking back, I could have used some aftercare post-Domming with sub friends, because it required me to stretch in a different way than subbing does. Interesting to note that a form of that happend naturally after topping my dominant friends; we just returned to our 'usual' roles and i got what i needed the way that i needed it without even having to ask.

(I can't wait to be able to try all of this out in person! )
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Old 01-12-2017, 08:42 PM   #87
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I have to agree with what so many others have already said; The concept of 'gentle fem-dom' and/or gentle male-dom is a perfect description of the type of dynamic I would enjoy. I've wrestled with the typical porn portrayal of D/s for the same reasons many have mentioned - it is just too debasing to demonstrate the true love and care involved. I view D/s as a mutual exploration of hidden caverns where rare treasures are discovered and brought into the light. This is a journey of shared love.

I have no doubt that there are some, perhaps many, who do need and enjoy the more aggressive D/s. That's not the point. The point is; that this thread has brought this other kind of D/s out through this wonderful conversation...and I'm happy for that
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Old 01-12-2017, 10:55 PM   #88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild_Honey_66 View Post
Is aftercare a regular part of your playtime when switching roles? If not, do you think it might have made a difference?

Looking back, I could have used some aftercare post-Domming with sub friends, because it required me to stretch in a different way than subbing does. Interesting to note that a form of that happend naturally after topping my dominant friends; we just returned to our 'usual' roles and i got what i needed the way that i needed it without even having to ask.

(I can't wait to be able to try all of this out in person! )
I can understand aftercare for the sub. But for the domme (I wish this site would stop trying to change that word to dome)? What would that entail?
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:11 PM   #89
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I can understand aftercare for the sub. But for the domme (I wish this site would stop trying to change that word to dome)? What would that entail?

Do Doms need aftercare?

If so, I'm thinking it would be similar?

I know nothing, Jon Snow.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:18 PM   #90
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I can understand aftercare for the sub. But for the domme (I wish this site would stop trying to change that word to dome)? What would that entail?
Hi dale!

Oh gosh. It's such a personal thing, isn't it? I think I would want affirmation that they had enjoyed themselves, that it wasn't too much or too little, that they appreciated my efforts, and any thoughts on what they would have changed, and ideas for what we could do next time.

Feedback, and lots of affection. I'm a snuggler.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:21 PM   #91
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Do Doms need aftercare?

If so, I'm thinking it would be similar?

I know nothing, Jon Snow.
Where have I heard that before?

I've seen this discussed... maybe I'll have a look around for it later.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:31 PM   #92
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Do Doms need aftercare?
When the roles are reversed definitely - at least in my experience.

I'm getting much better at thanking him (for days) afterwards and telling him how wonderful it made me feel and how much I love that he can trust me so much to "be the one in charge".

That kind of communication goes a long way, believe me.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:37 PM   #93
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Beta males
Man, this whole "beta males" idea is just... so fucking toxic on almost every level. First it comes from a theory of how wolves operate that turns out to be wrong. Then it gets into this weird thing where even though "beta" is the #2 position, we've all sort of collectively decided that anyone in second place is a complete loser, which is pretty dumb when you consider that there's seven billion people in the world and most of the people who say "beta male" probably don't occupy the #1 top spot for all humanity. And then we get into this whole "alpha male"/"beta male" thing, where we it sounds like the only two to be a man are to be
a) An aggressive asshole who solves all his problems by glaring, yelling, willingness to resort to violence.
-or-
b) A complete loser who wants to get laid but clearly never will, and so anything he says is useless sniveling.

We can do better.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:47 PM   #94
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Man, this whole "beta males" idea is just... so fucking toxic on almost every level. First it comes from a theory of how wolves operate that turns out to be wrong. Then it gets into this weird thing where even though "beta" is the #2 position, we've all sort of collectively decided that anyone in second place is a complete loser, which is pretty dumb when you consider that there's seven billion people in the world and most of the people who say "beta male" probably don't occupy the #1 top spot for all humanity. And then we get into this whole "alpha male"/"beta male" thing, where we it sounds like the only two to be a man are to be
a) An aggressive asshole who solves all his problems by glaring, yelling, willingness to resort to violence.
-or-
b) A complete loser who wants to get laid but clearly never will, and so anything he says is useless sniveling.

We can do better.
That's not how I define either one.
Both your definitions fall under what I would consider to be a "beta" male.

An Alpha is strong, physically and emotionally, intelligent, direct, loving, flawed, communicative, but above all, ACCOUNTABLE, and does not blame his actions or mistakes on anything but himself. He takes responsibility.
There are Alpha males in wheelchairs. There are beta males who are soon to be world leaders.
It comes down to character.

So, do better, if you aren't already. You can only be responsible for yourself.
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Old 01-12-2017, 11:48 PM   #95
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When the roles are reversed definitely - at least in my experience.

I'm getting much better at thanking him (for days) afterwards and telling him how wonderful it made me feel and how much I love that he can trust me so much to "be the one in charge".

That kind of communication goes a long way, believe me.


Thank you for understanding that it's different for someone who usually operates in one role to do it the other way.

It takes a lot out me to be in charge, it makes me vulnerable in a different way than subbing does. It's worth it if I know that the goals are being accomplished, but I need to hear that.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:41 AM   #96
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I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about myself as a sub, but the thought of a gentle Mistress comforting me through the difficult scenes seems like a wonderful idea. I know that when I'm pegged for the first time, I want to hear her cooing voice urging me on, telling me it's going to be alright and what a great little slut I am..
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:49 AM   #97
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Ohhh, look what the cat dragged in.
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Old 01-13-2017, 03:53 AM   #98
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Ohhh, look what the cat dragged in.
Big cat.
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:01 AM   #99
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Big cat.


What are you doing up? Don't you have work in the morning?
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Old 01-13-2017, 04:11 AM   #100
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What are you doing up? Don't you have work in the morning?
Some topics are worth staying up for.
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