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Would anyone care to assist me with this naughty poem?

Now I am finding myself somewhat annoyed by "skyways." No one has objected to it, but it suddenly seems contrived. Your thoughts?

To My Carnal Darling

Lofty in verse
Provocative in pixels
Wanton in the buttery wet flesh
Unerringly you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on the skyways of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not pass.
In a rush of words I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learnéd lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic,
make me frantic,
make me

Long before we met, you knew
the words to summon me,
to quicken and transfigure me,
a torrid touch to bring me home at last.
 
AlwaysHungry said:
Now I am finding myself somewhat annoyed by "skyways." No one has objected to it, but it suddenly seems contrived. Your thoughts?

Long before we met, you knew
the words to summon me,
to quicken and transfigure me,
a torrid touch to bring me home at last.[/I]
Click to expand...

I like the last part much better now. It fits better with the language and feel of the rest of the poem.

As for 'skyways', I have no specific objection to it, but if it's annoying you, I think that means something.
 
How about:

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on those transports of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not pass.
In a rush of words I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I'm hoping for a bit of a double meaning.
 
AlwaysHungry said:
How about:

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on those transports of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not pass.
In a rush of words I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I'm hoping for a bit of a double meaning.
Click to expand...

I prefer skyways to transports, but that's just based on the way it sounds to me. Transports feels a bit clunky. I'm going to ponder what you're going for a bit.
 
Lyricalli said:
I prefer skyways to transports, but that's just based on the way it sounds to me. Transports feels a bit clunky. I'm going to ponder what you're going for a bit.
Click to expand...

Nah, you're right. Neither word really does it for me. Hopefully my preconscious is working on it, and the right word will jump out at me while I'm driving or something. But any suggestions will be much appreciated. :rose:
 
After some musing (and consultation with my cyber-beloved), I decided to stick with "skyways" and I pulled the trigger on Lit. Thank you all for your learned colloquy, I benefited a lot from it.
 
AlwaysHungry said:
After some musing (and consultation with my cyber-beloved), I decided to stick with "skyways" and I pulled the trigger on Lit. Thank you all for your learned colloquy, I benefited a lot from it.
Click to expand...

Skyways is fine, I think, for what you are going for. It's a good piece. I'm glad you're both happy with it. :)
 
I am now working on the sequel, which may or may not be entitled "To My Carnal Darling II." I was very appreciative of the feedback I received on the first one, and I am hoping for similar help on this:

If I may sing to you
silently
breathlessly
let these insinuating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on and on and on
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.
 
HoneyAdored said:
Hiya AH, before I start, please be aware I speak not as a learned poet but just as a learner myself. So, here are a few things that I have picked up on with my first read through;

1. I can't quite get my head round the, 'sing to you silently', all that comes to my mind is John Cage's 4'33'' but that might just be how my brain works.

2. 'insinuating' has negative connotations, usually used to hint at something unpleasant.

3. In my mind, 'on and on' would indicate everlasting but 'on and on and on' to me, feels like something is dragging on in a negative way.

4. 'Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.' - the three rhyming lines do not bother me personally, it is the forth one that does not rhyme in this stanza, which does not sit right for me or trip off the tongue as I would like.

I really liked, 'Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly' - this is a great twist on the nursery rhyme.

I will read through a few more times and comment if I spot anything else, I do hope my points have been helpful :)
Click to expand...

Thanks very much, HA, those are useful observations. The "silent singing" is my attempt to describe writing a poem. I don't care much for John Cage, so I will consider some alternate means of conveying that idea.

With "insinuating syllables," that was largely because I was infatuated with the sound of it. It is true that "insinuating" can carry a negative meaning, although the various online definitions also include "to instill or infuse subtly or artfully, as into the mind." I might try substituting "intimating syllables" which might be construed as wordplay, a serendipitous benefit. Would that be better?

I wanted "that something now exists that never did" to arrive as a shock, because in a certain sense, that line is the heart of the poem. It should be like the slap of the zen master.

I'm glad you liked "sing a song of sixth sense," because you are the resident authority on wordplay.
 
AlwaysHungry said:
I too, believe that poems should have a point, although never a didactic one. The incipient point of this poem, which I hope will emerge with further pruning and refining, is the ironic juxtaposition of a deep intellectual relationship and an unabashedly carnal one. Conventional wisdom might view these as contrasting or even conflicting elements -- I want to bind them together in this poem, make them as inseparable as they are in the real life relationship which inspired it.
Click to expand...

I recently mended my ways and embraced the official Poem Board poem generator method, that is, I pour a can of alphabet soup into a bowl and copy down all the words randomly created in the bowl. Then I make word chains I call poems. Its the secret of BUTTERS masterpieces.
 
HoneyAdored said:
3. In my mind, 'on and on' would indicate everlasting but 'on and on and on' to me, feels like something is dragging on in a negative way.
Click to expand...

Good catch on this one, too. I wanted to tease that occasional reader who might be anticipating a regular line length. I'll find another way to make that line long.
 
If I may sing to you
soundlessly
breathlessly
let these, my intimating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on, and on again
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.
 
AlwaysHungry said:
If I may sing to you
soundlessly
breathlessly
let these, my intimating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on, and on again
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.
Click to expand...

It has evolved beautifully, AH - very nice indeed.

And now for the quibble, a suggestion that appeal to my ear, anyway. Along the lines of what Honey pointed out, you might consider:

"with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that keeps going on
for years"

I didn't think I'd like "intimating" in place of "insinuating" as much, but it fits and sounds very well. It feels finished to my eyes and ears...
 
legerdemer said:
It has evolved beautifully, AH - very nice indeed.

And now for the quibble, a suggestion that appeal to my ear, anyway. Along the lines of what Honey pointed out, you might consider:

"with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that keeps going on
for years"

I didn't think I'd like "intimating" in place of "insinuating" as much, but it fits and sounds very well. It feels finished to my eyes and ears...
Click to expand...
For some reason, I want to avoid a nice regular meter in those lines, which is what your suggestion would provide. I want to bring the reader up short. How does this grab you?

"with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on
for years"
 
On second thought, to hell with it, let that line be pretty. I originally liked the assonance of "on and on" and "dawning," and I threw in the third "on" just be impish. But Honey's point about that was valid. The title is still provisional -- anyone have any suggestions? I do think of it as a sequel.

To My Carnal Darling II

If I may sing to you
soundlessly
breathlessly
let these, my intimating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on and on
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.

 
HoneyAdored said:
Is there anything hiding in your poem AH? I see 'scientific', 'space' and 'time' type words but not sure if they have been put into the poem for a reason, as appose to necessarily being the best fitting words. Words such as flux, paradox, dimensions etc.

'a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then' - you might like to consider changing the word, 'whiff' as I am visualising something glimmering and then I am immediately taken to a smell or a puff of smoke and it feels to me wrong but as I have said before, that is just in my head and I am just a poet with a little p :)
Click to expand...

I'll respond to your second paragraph first. I am trying to evoke the preconscious here, the way the mind hatches insights, and you feel them coming before they arrive, on the tip of your tongue. Hence "glimmering," "whiff" (a hint of a smell, before the full-bore arrival of it), and "wink" (as something suggestive, another kind of hint.) That's what I am trying to do, at any rate. It may be that the sensory images are distracting because they refer to different senses?

The "scientific" terms to which you allude in your first para are just that. I am addressing the composing of poetry, which is a form of mental activity higher than either logic or feeling (and I felt it necessary to use abstractions to describe that.) However, I intentionally coupled "dimensions" with the image of a fluttering creature, hoping for irony. "Paradox" is a very precise term here, perhaps too prosaic, but I felt I needed it to pave the way for "that something now exists that never did," because the road to real creativity, to new ideas that are not just reformulations of old ones, always passes through a paradox.

These are difficult ideas, and there may very well be a more beautiful and poetic way to express them. I'm hoping that there will be more responses to this thread, because I need the help, and Hon, you are being quite helpful.
 
HoneyAdored said:
'a nascent glimmering,
a whiff, a wink, and then' - you might like to consider changing the word, 'whiff' as I am visualising something glimmering and then I am immediately taken to a smell or a puff of smoke and it feels to me wrong but as I have said before, that is just in my head and I am just a poet with a little p :)
Click to expand...

I wish I could evoke the preconscious like the way my hero Keats does it:

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
He star'd at the Pacific — and all his men
Look'd at each other with a wild surmise —
Silent, upon a peak in Darien.
 
Do you like this better, Hon?

To My Carnal Darling II

If I may sing to you
soundlessly
breathlessly
let these, my intimating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a spark, an inkling, then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on and on
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.
 
HoneyAdored said:
Seriously AH, you need to get a professional poet here.
I am fickle and I am now thinking I prefer 'silently' *I see you frowning at me* I mess with my own stuff FOREVER, cutting, pasting, moving, chopping, swapping, reverting..tweak! tweak! tweak! I would so not employ me for the job, particularly with my lack of credentials. This is your poem and these are only some alternatives from this mind showering with you, that I am throwing out there for you to consider, that might well make your poem worse rather than better.

There is always an option to trim and I like to move it! Move it!

First stanza, first line...possible alternative start...May I sing to you?...in my head this is more of a hook.
First stanza, sixth line could be...'to evoke' or 'evoking...just preferred how it reads in my head

And second stanza...

'Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make nostrils flare,
eyes to flash, lips to swear that
something now exists
that never did.'
Click to expand...

Hon, this is free verse, or my case, rather blankly free verse. There are no rules, which frustrates me; if I were rhyming, a lot of these choices would be more or less imposed on me by the form. I get vertigo sometimes trying to write this way, and so having alternatives from another mind showering with me is just the ticket. ;)

I think your suggestion about the first line is a good one. This poem is about writing poetry, but it is also a love poem. In a certain sense, it is a poem about writing poetry as an alternative to sex -- part of the continuing electron torture series. ;) So, I like the more personal touch of "May I sing to you?" But on the other hand, I need to keep that personal touch in the second stanza -- it is my lover's nostrils, eyes and lips that I think of as I write, so must keep the "your" in front of each.

You have put me in a quandary now with regard to "silently" vs. "soundlessly." I think for now that I will revert to "silently" because I am slightly annoyed by the repetition of "lessly" that I get with "soundlessly breathlessly".

May I assume that "spark" and "inkling" work for you better than "whiff" and "wink"? They are words without a specific sensory reference.

May I sing to you
silently
breathlessly?
let these, my intimating syllables
caress your memory,
allow them to evoke
a nascent glimmering,
a spark, an inkling, then

Oh, darling, let me share
a paradox to make your nostrils flare,
your eyes to flash, your lips to swear
that something now exists that never did.

Would you like to sing to me?

Sing a song of sixth sense,
teach me how to fly

above the ordinary flux
of feelings, not just
going through emotions.
I'll repay your intuition
with beholden ears,
with the kind of wide-eyed dawning
that goes on and on
for years.

Are we well versed, my darling?
Let's aspire
to catch a thought between us,
to seize it,
and to tease it into something new and sweet,
to unfold in all dimensions
'til it flutters off, complete,
and you and I will grapple
sense to sense and soul to soul,
until we meet
in shuddering
apotheosis.
 
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