Humor Thread

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Six retired Jewish mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg draws a deep breath and declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
 
How do you get a blonde on the roof?

Tell her drinks are on the house.
------------------

Police Quote: "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks: "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers: "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is."
 
More Deep Toughts

The Price Of Love
You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.
-----------------------

Marriage's Advantage
Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.

------------------------

Who Is Listening
During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.

-------------------------

Longings
My wife ran away with my best friend.

To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

----------------------------

Nickname
Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
 
What's the definition of a minor second?

Two violists playing in unison.

-------------------

What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.

-------------------

"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."

"When did you first notice this problem?"

"What problem?"
 
More Deep Thoughts

Too Late For Happiness
I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late..

-------------------

Knowing People
The more I know people - the more I like my dog.

--------------------

Men As Toilets
Men are like toilets. Either they are taken or they are full of shit!!
(must have come from an unhappy woman):(

-------------------

Understanding Why
When a newly wedded man is happy, we understand why. When a man, after ten years of marriage, is happy, we don't understand why. It's all a question of time!
 
The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked.

Son-in-law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed!
This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing!
Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later she comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation...............

Mary didn't receive your e-mail!!"
 
A friend asked me in the pub, in front of everyone else, why I was so fat. I told him it was because every time I fuck his wife, she gives me a biscuit...
 
Received this today

The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but just think, they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...
 
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.

"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old fucking truck!"
 
I woke up this morning on the settee, with my shorts around my ankles and a cucumber stuck up my arse.

I'd a post-it note stuck to my forehead.
It said "I saw you spike my drink, so I swapped them."

THE BITCH !!!
 
Short, Sweet & True!!!

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~
A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
~~~~~

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold the vegetables while you chop. (12 year olds are so gullible)

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
(Note that the tree outside the front door works well too)

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
(Note: Rat traps are excessive and effect daily productivity)

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough. (Otherwise use duct tape - for either)

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WS40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
(For heavy duty problems add cable ties)

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
[ Note: This is particularly dedicated to Glynndah ]

.
 
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When you think about how huge the Earth is, and how its a fraction of the size of the Sun (which is just a speck in the Universe),
It's easy to rationalise eating the whole cake. . .
 
Quotations about the Stock Market and Investing

"I made my money by selling too soon. " - Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) financier & economist

"If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in." - Confucius (551BC - 479BC) philosopher

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. " - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) author, printer, inventor, diplomat, scientist

"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it." - Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) cowboy, entertainer, humorist

When asked what the stock market will do, J.P Morgan (1837-1913) (banker, financier, businessman) replied:"It will fluctuate."

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith."
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) philosopher & mathematician

"Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered." - Anonymous

"Don't try to buy at the bottom and sell at the top. It can't be done except by liars."
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) financier & economist
 
Classic Airplane Pilot to Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.."
"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

-------------------------------

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
 
WHY WOMEN CAN'T FIX CARS

It would never have crossed my mind
Another of life's mysteries explained!!
It honestly never occurred to me.

I always thought it had something to do with fingernails!!!!




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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black-eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 
This idiot of a female looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
 
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
Luscious Ladies

There once was a gal built quite stocky
Who played a mean game of hockey
Later, in the showers she'd get
Quite excited by pussy all wet
And longed right then to be a jockey

Oh man! Those sweet hot babes she would ride
And take all their moans and groans in her stride
With tongue and finger she'd show
She didn't need a member to grow
To give pleasure, so pretty gals open up wide

But none of those luscious ladies looked her way
And she felt cursed to be ugly, frumpy and gay
Till one day in the showers she met
A quite adventurous sort of het
Who under the spell of that gaze agreed to play

The big gal threw that little lady's legs up in the air
And was pleased to see that she was shorn of all hair
Oh how she munched and she licked
And teased, stroked and love-licked
Something happened: they were bonded, a pair

Now little and large are always seen together
Pretty much a relationship of lace and leather
But in bed such sweet music they make
Such ecstasy no cock ever could replace
Their motto: together, forever, no matter the weather
 
Miss Priss

Miss Priss dresses ever so conservatively, oh yes
Why wear short shorts when you can wear a dress
But at night she smoulders
When her lover's boulders
Miss Priss' lithe body into the mattress do press

Oh the delicious feel of feminine skin, like silk on silk
Puts Miss Priss in mind of the land of honey and milk
And later that hot tongue
Will take her up a rung
On the ladder of pleasure so well known to her ilk

Oh, if the men in the office could only see her now
With legs wide open and sweat glistening on her brow
Her guttural grunts roll in her throat
Causing her skilled lady love to gloat
It was time for this experienced conductor to take her bow

Back on stage for the encore, she used every trick in the book
To pleasure Miss Priss and stroked every fold, crease and nook
Like a serpent her lover slithered across the bed
Until, drenched, 'la petite morte' had her dead
But later her lover cast her line and felt a tug on the hook

Miss Priss dresses ever so conservatively, that much is true
Thinking about her gives the men in the office ball so blue
How they would love to ravish her and take
That which she withholds, their claim to stake
But none can do to Miss Priss what her sweet lover can do
 
Wife texts husband on a cold
winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't
open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm
water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer
really screwed up now.”
 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

###########

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
 
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