Gay Male Story Feedback

J

Jay142

Really Experienced

Joined

Dec 28, 2017

Posts

115

• Jan 15, 2018

• #1

I just had my first story published and would appreciate any feedback anyone may have. I am just trying to improve for any future stories.

Here is a link: https://www.literotica.com/s/chat-room-hookup

 

G

Gunter99

Really Experienced

Joined

Jul 19, 2012

Posts

338

• Jan 21, 2018

• #2

Loved it

Great first story!!

 

J

Jay142

Really Experienced

Joined

Dec 28, 2017

Posts

115

• Jan 27, 2018

• #3

Thank you. I'm working on a follow up.

 

rae121452

Literotica Guru

Joined

Jul 18, 2017

Posts

6,727

• Jan 27, 2018

• #4

i just read your story and i must say, i'm pleasantly surprised. hard to believe that was your first story. you have a natural talent. i'll look forward to the follow up.

 

J

Jay142

Really Experienced

Joined

Dec 28, 2017

Posts

115

• Jan 30, 2018

• #5

Thank you for your feedback. I struggled with that part myself so I fully understand your comment.

 

rae121452

Literotica Guru

Joined

Jul 18, 2017

Posts

6,727

• Jan 30, 2018

• #6

Jay142 said:

Thank you for your feedback. I struggled with that part myself so I fully understand your comment.

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i've been in a similar situation though it didn't involve lingerie. believe me, room service has seen it all. and most of them can be had.

 

yukonnights

Literotica Guru

Joined

Apr 15, 2007

Posts

3,891

• Jan 30, 2018

• #7

I thought this all sounded familiar I had to go confirm it...and yes, I did already read this a while back (I think that means that technically, I'm not crazy yet ) Anyway, I'll just copy the comments I left on your story comment page, to keep the thread going:

I also read this because you asked on the Feedback Forum. I think you did a very nice job. You obviously worked hard on it to make it virtually error free. (and don't sweat the one or two minor typos...even the most experienced writers battle with getting it perfect). This reminds me a bit of my own first attempt at writing. Like mine, it just lacked a little depth of emotion, but no big deal. The D/s elements were a nice touch, and in my view, this is where you might want to go into more detail regarding the emotions/feelings in your next story. Part of this 'lack of depth' is the choice of first person narration, which can limit your ability to describe these deeper 'inner thoughts' of all the characters. But even the use of first person narrative, I thought you did better than many I have read. I hope you continue to develop your writing... and explore your own sexuality through erotic fiction.

 

yukonnights

Literotica Guru

Joined

Apr 15, 2007

Posts

3,891

• Jan 30, 2018

• #8

james2016 said:

I thought his story was great until the room service waiter came in after that I thought the story was unrealistic

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rae121452 said:

i've been in a similar situation though it didn't involve lingerie. believe me, room service has seen it all. and most of them can be had.

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I have to side with 'rae', I imagine employees in large hotels are trained to 'humor the guests and ignore everything'. While perhaps on the edge of believability, it seemed okay to for erotica. The scene was useful to emphasize the humiliations factor.