Putting off sex until there's no time...is this a defense mechanism?

So let's just say someone I've known for years...we'll call them "person X"...has a habit of flirting or expressing an openness to sex when...and usually only when...there's little chance of it happening...such as when I leaving for work...like literally walking out the damn door, for one.

Just wondering if it's an experience that anyone else has noticed in their interactions with naked humans. I guess I'm not sure if it's a response to past trauma (I know I should but I'm only comfortable when I can't), or some circadian rhythm that affects levels of stress or anxiety (mind is more clear in the morning), or maybe I'm just lousy in bed and have bad body odor....who knows. I'm weird. I know that much at least.

I also realize there are morning people and evening people, in terms of when they are more likely to be interested in sex. It could be just that as well. I'm just more inclined to wonder that it's something to do with anxiety...because it's more likely to be offered when the timing precludes the opportunity.

it might as well be some weird quirk of their mind. Like a fetish, you know. They see you going away and can't help but be turned on at that moment.

Only psychologist can answer that. Ideally, that should be remedied by normal interaction. For example if my partner asked for sex when I wasn't particularly interested, I would try to accommodate. Maybe you should do the same, back and forth? Some days you turn around and is late for work for 20 minutes, and some days that person fucks you in the evening even if they're not initially very interested. Foreplay will get them interested.

I wonder if it's an apology. "Darling, I know you must feel I'm not meeting your needs so let me at least signal to you that I find you sexy, even though I can't find my own sexiness and I don't know why and really, really wish I did."

One of the crappy things they don't tell you about getting older is that sometimes you have to schedule sex. Otherwise you can get into this thing of it never being the right time for everybody involved.

Well its hard to say if this is defense mechinism related to anxiety without more data. The one thing to do is the next time she offers is for you to pretend to call the office saying something to the effect of "i'm going to be in a little late." let her see you do it and then study how she reacts.

John Blackhawk said:

Well its hard to say if this is defense mechinism related to anxiety without more data. The one thing to do is the next time she offers is for you to pretend to call the office saying something to the effect of "i'm going to be in a little late." let her see you do it and then study how she reacts.

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And if she says yes?

Playing head games with a partner is a bad idea. You want them to be open with you, you have to give the same in return.

Bramblethorn said:

One of the crappy things they don't tell you about getting older is that sometimes you have to schedule sex. Otherwise you can get into this thing of it never being the right time for everybody involved.

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This is very true, first when you have young kids then when you get older and the move out both parties tend to be working long hour etc.

For us the times when we are both energized are relatively short windows, and we take advantage of them. To others it would sound pretty routine.

Semi-scheduled sex can still be very good sex.

Bramblethorn said:

And if she says yes?

Playing head games with a partner is a bad idea. You want them to be open with you, you have to give the same in return.

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I said study how she reacts, i wouldn't condone playing head games with a partner. the point i was trying to make is to take the direct approach.

Assuming that there aren't somewhat close to an equal number of times that they are interested in sex when it is possible, then they're building up credits in their mind for all the times when they're withholding. There are no coincidences.

They feel guilty about the withholding but are disinclined towards actually having sex. Most of this is probably not happening on a completely conscious level.

Withholding of sex frequently has something to do with anger or resentment. A minority of the time it has to do with such things as body issues; they don't feel sexy and don't really want to get naked.

It does not take very many of these "Oops, we just missed having sex" non-opportunities to find yourself in what is clinically a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage is one defined as having less than ten sexual events per year. Personally, I can't see the point of remaining in a sexless, monogamous relationship, unless there was some bizarrely rare medical condition preventing it.

John Blackhawk said:

I said study how she reacts, i wouldn't condone playing head games with a partner. the point i was trying to make is to take the direct approach.

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Faking phone calls isn't the "direct approach"; misleading your partner to see how they'll react is a head game.

The direct approach would be: "Hey honey, I notice that you mostly flirt when I'm not in a position to do anything about it, like when I'm just about to walk out the door. I really want to do something about it! Can we figure out something that works well for both of us?"

If she wants sex, great - you now have a conversation between two people who both want the same thing and know they both want the same thing. Sometimes it's still hard but if you're both trying to make it work, you're giving it the best possible chance.

If she doesn't want sex and is flirting for some other reason - e.g. the one that Conager suggested - then it puts the onus on her to explain herself.

I see so many people approach relationships like they're Sherlock Holmes trying to deduce the other person's feelings from tiny shreds of evidence. I used to do that, and I wish I had my time back; it only leads to frustration.

Bramblethorn said:

Faking phone calls isn't the "direct approach"; misleading your partner to see how they'll react is a head game.

The direct approach would be: "Hey honey, I notice that you mostly flirt when I'm not in a position to do anything about it, like when I'm just about to walk out the door. I really want to do something about it! Can we figure out something that works well for both of us?"

If she wants sex, great - you now have a conversation between two people who both want the same thing and know they both want the same thing. Sometimes it's still hard but if you're both trying to make it work, you're giving it the best possible chance.

If she doesn't want sex and is flirting for some other reason - e.g. the one that Conager suggested - then it puts the onus on her to explain herself.

I see so many people approach relationships like they're Sherlock Holmes trying to deduce the other person's feelings from tiny shreds of evidence. I used to do that, and I wish I had my time back; it only leads to frustration.

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I think we all picture a conversation and how it should go and why it should if not "fix" things, at least clarify things.

My thinking is that people usually have both tried that (at least as far as their verbal skills take them) and have gotten as much feedback and input as they are likely to get from the partner. People can't communicate what they don't know about themselves, their motivations, their limitations.

It's kind of why people get stuck. Sometimes, a professional can help one or both "see" themselves or the other better. I hope that some of these exchanges here help, either the original posters, a participant or an unrelated lurker.

I think just getting honest, risking offense, and conveying to their partner the things people can seem to articulate to us strangers, is best. Direct, as you put it. Somehow, I think it has been broached and failed or it wouldnt be down to talking to strangers.

My ex and I were fairly low conflict, high verbals. She a highly competant, actual debate team champ, I as anyone can see, overly verbal, and not shy about expressing opinions. Somehow, we seemed to know not to go full-on verbally savaging each-other. Woulda been thermo-nuclear. Probably her credit more than mine (the restraint.) She also leand passive-agressive to my just aggressive.

Anyway, we communicated. Small things, big things. No taboos, really. We thought.

At some point, over sone weirdness, one bit of honesty (with self and partner) led to new insights, more honesty, upward spiral. It was amazing what we didnt know 15 years or so in. We wrote about it, interacted with others. Grew a lot. Together and individually. We didn't know what we were not communicating until we did.

Ended a week shy of 20 years for other reasons, but the honest communication breakthrough time was pretty intensely fullfilling.

I agree that direct is by far best and benefits far outweigh those scary uncertain risks, but direct is so many shades of dammit cant say grey anymore...

box13 said:

So let's just say someone I've known for years...we'll call them "person X"...has a habit of flirting or expressing an openness to sex when...and usually only when...there's little chance of it happening...such as when I leaving for work...like literally walking out the damn door, for one.

Just wondering if it's an experience that anyone else has noticed in their interactions with naked humans. I guess I'm not sure if it's a response to past trauma (I know I should but I'm only comfortable when I can't), or some circadian rhythm that affects levels of stress or anxiety (mind is more clear in the morning), or maybe I'm just lousy in bed and have bad body odor....who knows. I'm weird. I know that much at least.

I also realize there are morning people and evening people, in terms of when they are more likely to be interested in sex. It could be just that as well. I'm just more inclined to wonder that it's something to do with anxiety...because it's more likely to be offered when the timing precludes the opportunity.

Click to expand...

Be late for work

*shrugs*

It's procrastination defense, do nothing until there isn't time to do anything.

My partner does this all the time! It's only when I have a serious deadline, I'm in the middle of baking, I am ill, or I am rushing out to do arrends when he'll grab some boob and act interested. I don't know why. Our sessions are timely. Our whole relationship I would say we have only had 3-4 "quickies", sex for less then half an hr.
I hate to turn him down. Our first 8yrs together I made it a point to never turn him down. But I'm a busy modern woman! Now when he tries to get fresh when I have no time I look him in the eye and say all I need is 7 minutes. If you can promise to make it last under 7, let's go! Backs down every time, he's still rock hard though! Fuck... I hate to waste an erection like that!

John Blackhawk said:

Well its hard to say if this is defense mechinism related to anxiety without more data. The one thing to do is the next time she offers is for you to pretend to call the office saying something to the effect of "i'm going to be in a little late." let her see you do it and then study how she reacts.

Click to expand...

Maybe that sorta points the finger in the right direction: It's the "your job is more important than me" challenge that everyday life has become.

I seem to exist in a world where everything is on the sub-conscious level, and very counter-intuitive for me. Assuming I have any brains and intuition in the first place, of course.