Suburban Sex Club

Hi All,
new author here, looking for feedback. I have posted the 8 part Suburban Sex Club story. It's not a new plot or anything, but I hope the story is told in a different way. Looking for constructive critique...
Also, first chapter of new story, Seattle Shenanigans should be out in a couple days.
Thanks
xo Laura

sr71plt said:

http://www.literotica.com/s/suburban-sex-club-ch-01

Click to expand...

Oops! forgot the link. Thanks sr71

Are you a PILOT alt?

Couple of things. One, break up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. I have found that what looks like a reasonable paragraph in word seems like a huge block of text on lit and some of yours, especially the first one are so large they are distracting. Its hard to read a large block like that.

Some quick notes. "Sort of naked" what is that? She is or is not. That's like "almost" naked and almost is a weak word.

"seemed to be bent over" was she bent over or not? Now I know you are doing this from an observers POV and going for that type of description, but it sounds weak.

You are painting a picture for your reader, give them a clear one, you want them to see your vision not have to create their own,

"If there were panties, they were very very small" Very very? You don't need one very, two is overkill.

"If she was wearing anything, it had to be a thong with the string pulled to the side" I don't think that sounds great either, but its an example of something better than "very very small"

You put this in BDSM because there was obvious bondage and I know that's what people are conditioned to do. Bondage=BDSM and that's all you need, thank you 50 shades

But BDSM has many elements and you touched on none of them. This was a short stroke piece and fine for what it is, but to a true fan in that category it is lacking anything but the bondage.

Dialogue is important in BDSM and I feel erotica in general and we received none just an observer telling us what they saw.


On a plus note I like the use of the "smoke fetish" I don't like that fetish, but you don't see it used often so kudos for working something a little different in.

Its not a bad effort, but you have some things to work on and they can make your next one much better.

If you want to write more in the BDSM genre and would like some advice or opinion on another piece, feel free to PM me. I'm not an editor, but I can give you some pointers on accuracy.

Laura_Mary_Chutmeh said:

Hi All,
new author here, looking for feedback. I have posted the 8 part Suburban Sex Club story. It's not a new plot or anything, but I hope the story is told in a different way. Looking for constructive critique...
Also, first chapter of new story, Seattle Shenanigans should be out in a couple days.
Thanks
xo Laura

Click to expand...

Laura Mary, you need to develop some confidence as a writer so it will spill over to your characters. Every thing in the story is tentative, almost, nearly, seem to be, sort of, something like. If your narrator is seeing this for the first time shouldn't she be: appalled? Frightened? Sickened? Turned on? A bit more than curious to relate to us a newspaper story written by a lawyer who doesn't wish to concede anything as actually being something or actually happening.

The woman was helpless, bent crudely over a rugged wooden sawhorse; naked except for silk stockings covering her long lovely legs, held in place by garters from the black belt at her waist. Only a wisp of something covered her exposed crotch (or pussy). Her large shapely breasts, dangled whitely from her, ringed by the dark fabric confining them, her pink nipples covered partially with the same dark material, twin cords leading away. Her upper body stretched out to a second sawhorse she held tightly onto, her long painted nails reaching, digging, straining for support.

This is a suggestion. organize your ideas, then don't pussy foot around. Your observer should be FEELING something.