What's Your Relationship?

cookiecat said:

Well.... welcome!

I'm in a similar situation for totally different reasons: you love someone with all your heart but for whatever reason, your sexual or D/s or kinky needs aren't being met.

So here we are, wandering the halls of Lit! I feel like a pinball at times, knocking around different threads, different people, never really finding my footing... oh wait. This is your post!

Sappy, dark and spirit-dampening are a-ok. Hope being here helps.

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Thanks cookiecat! I do have to say that I've very much enjoyed many of your responses on a few threads I've seen -- you're hilarious

I do love him...but I've been contemplating that silly "love vs in love" situation...what it boils down to (aside from the sexual needs) is that he's not the most passionate person....sweet, hardworking, kind? Yes. Passionate? No...and that's probably what terrifies me most...if I could get him to look at me at *any* point with that panty-wetting look of need and desire...well...I'd be a much happier woman.

Hahaha pinballing it is a good description ...I'm sad to hear so many similar situations, but it's also kind of nice to know I'm not totally alone...plus talking to people with great personalities and similar mindsets (*cough* like you *cough*) is wonderful....so being here does help.

ropebunny87 said:

Thanks cookiecat! I do have to say that I've very much enjoyed many of your responses on a few threads I've seen -- you're hilarious

I do love him...but I've been contemplating that silly "love vs in love" situation...what it boils down to (aside from the sexual needs) is that he's not the most passionate person....sweet, hardworking, kind? Yes. Passionate? No...and that's probably what terrifies me most...if I could get him to look at me at *any* point with that panty-wetting look of need and desire...well...I'd be a much happier woman.

Hahaha pinballing it is a good description ...I'm sad to hear so many similar situations, but it's also kind of nice to know I'm not totally alone...plus talking to people with great personalities and similar mindsets (*cough* like you *cough*) is wonderful....so being here does help.

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Weighing out all those options is tough. It feels... immoral almost (for me) to put D/s or sexual needs on my list of must haves. I have a guy who provides for me financially, makes me feel safe, loves me unconditionally. Those things are gold.

Just because I can't get dick or get wet or get my hair pulled... is it time to throw stability and safety to the curb?

But I think the way I said it above undermines the fact being submissive is more than getting my hair pulled. It's under the umbrella of feeling loved and stuff. It's important.

For now, I keep telling myself doing what's right isn't always easy. Finding a FWB or even a quick fling would be easy. So is eating a bag of potato chips. It feels great for a minute and then it sucks.

Figuring out a way to acknowledge I have deep submissive needs that, if not met, make me feel NOT me is a much bigger, more confusing issue.

So - it's not silly stuff! It's important love/sex/who you are stuff.

Hugs ya!

I have a D/s and M/s relationship with my Master, who is also my nesting/'primary-by-default' partner. I am collared by him.

I have a long-distance relationship with someone that isn't yet explicitly kinky, is currently non-sexual and romantic. He has a primary partner, so I am his secondary.

cookiecat said:

Weighing out all those options is tough. It feels... immoral almost (for me) to put D/s or sexual needs on my list of must haves. I have a guy who provides for me financially, makes me feel safe, loves me unconditionally. Those things are gold.

Just because I can't get dick or get wet or get my hair pulled... is it time to throw stability and safety to the curb?

But I think the way I said it above undermines the fact being submissive is more than getting my hair pulled. It's under the umbrella of feeling loved and stuff. It's important.

For now, I keep telling myself doing what's right isn't always easy. Finding a FWB or even a quick fling would be easy. So is eating a bag of potato chips. It feels great for a minute and then it sucks.

Figuring out a way to acknowledge I have deep submissive needs that, if not met, make me feel NOT me is a much bigger, more confusing issue.

So - it's not silly stuff! It's important love/sex/who you are stuff.

Hugs ya!

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Uh!! It's like you're in my head, lady!! Everything above is the back and forth I go through daily. I'm so tired of making myself fit everyone else's molds...I just want to acknowledge that who I am is freaking fantastic (...little bit about me...I say cocky shit but am not actually cocky...it's more just a form of my sarcasm...or something....anyhow...) and not have to ignore that part anymore.

Hugs right back!!

malefica said:

I have a D/s and M/s relationship with my Master, who is also my nesting/'primary-by-default' partner. I am collared by him.

I have a long-distance relationship with someone that isn't yet explicitly kinky, is currently non-sexual and romantic. He has a primary partner, so I am his secondary.

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They both know of each other?

Is long distance going to stay that way? If you don't mind me asking, how does this meet your needs?

cookiecat said:

They both know of each other?

Is long distance going to stay that way? If you don't mind me asking, how does this meet your needs?

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They are both aware of one another, yes, and my LDR partner's wife is also fully aware of me, as she also has a partner of her own in addition to her husband.

And yes, the LDR is likely to stay that way. And, my needs are emotional/romantic (sexual too but, I am happy to wait until and if she is comfortable with me and her primary having sex). I get my physical needs adequately met by my Master. Me and my LDR partner meet when we can, and she happily gives us alone time to snuggle etc.

I am a bottom, more often very bratty. No Mommy to keep me in line anymore. At moment am slowly getting back into the scene after a 2 year absence

We are happily married and monogamous. She (Kissa) told me (Karhu) about her kinks and secret fantasies, none of which she had opportunity to enjoy together with previous boyfriends and husbands, as she didn't feel the needed level of trust. I had no problems with her kinks, and added a couple of my own. We have a pretty satisfying love life now after years of vanilla - or even no - sex with indifferent partners.

Mine monogamous. Out of the bedroom and play time equals who can talk about anything or just enjoy being in the same room. Playtime I'm the dominant and she is the sub. We are finding our feet on this and it's a fun journey I'm learning my way and how to accept pleasure. My last ltr kinda fucked me up. Like a couple of you have said cookiecat and rope bunny my needs were not being met but having two kids means there are four people to take care of and I was not going to be an absent parent. In the end we worked it out a little personal pain I don't see my kids every day but they have happy parents and the home atmosphere is much better for them. It is hard tea hing that point and seeing despite all you want for them and yourself it's better to part and let them see positive relationships modled by adults who can show love and respect for each other than their birth parents unable to be in the same room together.

malefica said:

They are both aware of one another, yes, and my LDR partner's wife is also fully aware of me, as she also has a partner of her own in addition to her husband.

And yes, the LDR is likely to stay that way. And, my needs are emotional/romantic (sexual too but, I am happy to wait until and if she is comfortable with me and her primary having sex). I get my physical needs adequately met by my Master. Me and my LDR partner meet when we can, and she happily gives us alone time to snuggle etc.

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Thanks for the reply. Nice to see these kinds of poly relationships working. Good on all of you!

mastermario said:

I am a bottom, more often very bratty. No Mommy to keep me in line anymore. At moment am slowly getting back into the scene after a 2 year absence

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Taking it slow is wise! Welcome back.

Karhukissa said:

We are happily married and monogamous. She (Kissa) told me (Karhu) about her kinks and secret fantasies, none of which she had opportunity to enjoy together with previous boyfriends and husbands, as she didn't feel the needed level of trust. I had no problems with her kinks, and added a couple of my own. We have a pretty satisfying love life now after years of vanilla - or even no - sex with indifferent partners.

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How nice you've developed that trust. Sounds like you're having fun!

Tommybowler said:

Mine monogamous. Out of the bedroom and play time equals who can talk about anything or just enjoy being in the same room. Playtime I'm the dominant and she is the sub. We are finding our feet on this and it's a fun journey I'm learning my way and how to accept pleasure. My last ltr kinda fucked me up. Like a couple of you have said cookiecat and rope bunny my needs were not being met but having two kids means there are four people to take care of and I was not going to be an absent parent. In the end we worked it out a little personal pain I don't see my kids every day but they have happy parents and the home atmosphere is much better for them. It is hard tea hing that point and seeing despite all you want for them and yourself it's better to part and let them see positive relationships modled by adults who can show love and respect for each other than their birth parents unable to be in the same room together.

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Putting your kids happiness ahead of yours is heartwarming. Glad you're working things out. It sounds like the hard work is finally paying off.

MeekMe said:

We have threads for submissives and dominants, and I think we need something broader. We all know there isn't a "one twue way." This thread is inclusive, so I want to hear about what you identify as and how it works for you. Or even how you don't use labels.

If you have a relationship, how does it work? Do you like it the way it is? Do you want it to change? If you aren't in a relationship, what kind do you want or see yourself having?

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Mrs MF and I have been exploring BDSM together for just over a year (see our history here). Even over that short time, our answers to those questions have changed significantly.

When we started, we both assumed that we would only ever play with each other, and that I would always be the Dom/Top with Mrs MF as the sub/bottom. Those fixed labels caused both us a lot of anxiety in our early months of exploration. We've now (mostly) thrown them away, and we now look at things very differently.

Our guiding principle now is simply that we do whatever seems like fun, and we can attach labels to it later if we wish. In our relationship together, I mostly identify as Dom and Mrs MF as sub; within that, I sometimes play as bottom to Mrs MF's Top. Now that we've started to extend our play to others, we're finding that Mrs MF is a switch, and actually has quite a strong Dominant personality with others (usually a caring Dom but occasionally a sadistic one!). I haven't yet had the chance to extend my repertoire, but I imagine that I too might have a few surprises to offer.

We're now much happier with the situation than when we started on BDSM. Originally, we feared that involving others might risk tearing us apart, but we're actually finding that it brings us closer together, as we widen our experiences and relate our feelings about them to each other.

I'm sure that things will change again for us, but that's the way that it is at the moment.
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cookiecat said:

Thanks for the reply. Nice to see these kinds of poly relationships working. Good on all of you!

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It's new for all of us but ah, so much NRE! Hard work, but worth it.

malefica said:

It's new for all of us but ah, so much NRE! Hard work, but worth it.

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Thanks for sharing this!

ropebunny87 said:

Living with someone and feeling more like roommates than lovers / spouses can be soul-sucking....and lonely as fuck.

Married, a couple kiddos...Had some really shitty relationships that I now realize were due to the guys I was dating and not the fact that I wasn't good enough but, hey...self-doubt is a bitch, right? Chalked it all up to the fact that I was putting too much pressure on sex (the relationship would be great in the beginning but then fizzle out...or it was great, but the guy was truly just a huge asshole) and tried to focus on the person vs that I needed sex (honestly I thought something was "wrong" with me...again...self-doubt). Met a very sweet guy, dated, moved in together, got pregnant, got married...and after a few years the differences in our sex drive / sexual interests is hitting me full force, and I feel stuck...like I can't move forward because it isn't in him to give me what I crave, or as often as I want it (fucking sexual appetite differences!!)...and I can't make a big change in my life because the crippling pain that rips through me when I consider not seeing my kids every day...

I just wish I had understood and accepted that, for me, sex *is* important...and maybe it would have been better to accept and love the adventurous side of myself (instead of trying to shove down a part of myself) and wait...(and then I feel guilty saying that because my hubs is a very sweet, caring man...and I could, and have, done way worse).

Anywho!! That got sappy and dark and spirit-dampening!! SO...

Here's a picture of an adorable puppy!!

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You quoted me, and I'm sorry for that. Because that means you feel in some part as I do, and I don't wish that on anyone.

If he is sweet and caring, I hope you do work it out.
A little sweetness can go a long way. Life is bitter without it.
Good luck! I see you just joined... welcome to Lit.

Married no kids, pretty stale sex life

Divorced, living with the now exgf, I guess based on how much time I've spent with them I'm dating 2 different women. Exgf has a girl I now consider one of my own(born years before we met) in addition to mine that live with their mother(exwife) most of the time. A third non exgf or wife decided she didnt' want to wait till I was ready for a serious relationship, and didnt' really like that I was seeing other people. Was also supposed to meet someone new tonight.

So I get to use the It's complicated tag without exagerating.

Sex life is as good as it's ever been though.

guns44 said:

Married no kids, pretty stale sex life

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Well. Welcome to Lit.

So having just read all the posts in this thread, I feel obligated to share a little bit of my own.

I have been married for almost 14 years. We have 2 young children and I am a stay at home dad.

My wife and I are new to this. Her having read 50 shades and then getting me to watch the movie with her started the conversation.
We had tried bondage once before but it got really awkward and we never tried it again until recently.
We started with nipple clamps I picked up at the local "TOY" store and well that went so well that I spent the next day building my own bed restraint system using rope and four of my neck ties. I found blindfolding her the first time made it easier for me for some reason but we haven't used the blindfold since. I have since purchased a proper bed restraint system but we both like to go back to the ties sometimes.

I have just started the spanking, still getting a feel for her limits and probably my own as well.

cookiecat said:

Well. Welcome to Lit.

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Well thank you. Where abouts in Minnesota? I'm in North Dakota

I am fully submissive. I got sex with him when I was 19 and he was 43. He took me to heaven that night. He makes me squirt max times. We are together for 10yrs. He made me 44F 32 42 from 36D 28 36. He is so caring. We dated four yrs then got married when I became pregnant.

I am separated, will be divorced by end of the year.
In a long distance relationship, not sure how long that will last.
I am exploring my sub/little side and not looking for a daddy, now.

Sorry, am new to these forums so am not very aware of the customs, but hopefully it's okay to resurrect this thread? I was glancing through old threads and it somewhat resonated with me, especially this part:

I wanted to start this thread, because many of us don't fall under just being submissive or dominant. We all have unique situations and I was hoping we could discuss the different ways for how we do things (or don't do things).

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I'm in a LTR with a dominant partner (we were young when we both got together and we experimented with switching a tiny bit in the beginning, but fell into our roles quite quickly). I love the way it's going, even after all these years, and I think I'm incredibly lucky to find someone who fulfills me in both kinky and non-kinky departments. When I was starting out, I thought that I would eventually need to choose between a good Dom and a good partner. I am so glad to be wrong!

I always have difficulty in describing our D/s relationship because it always seemed to be a binary choice between 'bedroom' and '24/7'. To me, it's more of a spectrum. I tend to just say 'bedroom' for brevity since we're a lot closer to that than to 24/7, but the D/s aspects do creep into other parts of our life. I suppose a better way to describe us would be that we do "for fun" D/s - so it isn't necessarily restricted to just bedroom or sex, but it's never the kind of serious arrangement that I hear about so often. We don't have punishments that I genuinely dislike, but we do sometimes push me beyond what I'd normally do if I had control of things. D/s would never enter into serious/important matters,we handle those as equals - but a spanking or command to put something on (or take something off) out of the blue would not be amiss.

It's good to see that others are shirking the binary labels, too.

Single here, so every relationship I do have offers something different.

<Sigh> I'd like a live in 24/7 with a sub that's perfect for me (given that there are no perfect subs or perfect doms, just people who are perfect for each other).