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Is this a poem?

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wildescarlet

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I don't know if I've completed this poem or if it's a fragment. Advice?


Snows falling on snow falls fallen.
Warming their hands over the heat of the oil drums
displaced members of artist colonies and rodeo circuits
tell old stories that are faded photographs
used to feed the flames brighter than their day in the sun.

When the fire’s gone, voices turn back to ash;
shipyards of dreams resort to empty liquor bottles,
victory hides in a swollen can of beans:
Husks of memories that burnt and died like stars.
And the snow falls on fallen snows falling.
 
It does not give me a sense of incompleteness. But even if it is a (completed) fragment of something longer I rather like its mood and its pictures I found powerful enough and stirring, so I don't expect it to say more to me than it has done. Well done!
 
I'd say complete enough, but rough .... could use a bit of polish.

---------------------------------

Warming their hands over the heat of the oil drums

their isn't really vital because you mention the people in the next line.

heat will automatically be associated with furnaces and warming

but warming is generic compared to toasting, roasting, etc.

Toasting hands over oil drum furnaces

---------------------------------

Just little things here and there that add up.
 
Polishing

Thanks for your feedback, pelegrino.
Magnetron, I appreciate your advice on word choice. Subtle changes make all the difference in a poem.
 
I understand what mag is saying, but i actually liked "their" in the first line. It somehow invited me in.
I would've left out "the" before oil drums. But then, i don't kknow shit. Just ask around
Overall, i liked the poem, the telling. There does seem to be small pieces of cliche scattered within, but that's hard to avoid now that everything's been written at least a hundred times.
Good stuff
 
Revision

Edits and title tentative. Improvement?

Husks at Dawn.

Snows falling on snow falls fallen.
Their hands hovering over oil drum furnaces;
displaced members of artist colonies and rodeo circuits
throw in stories like faded photographs,
feeding the flames brighter than a day in the sun.

When the fire’s ashes, voices scatter to the wind;
ships embark from empty liquor bottles;
victory deserts a swollen can of beans.
Memories burn and die like stars as
the snow falls on fallen snows falling.
 
wildescarlet said:
Edits and title tentative. Improvement?

Husks at Dawn.

Snows falling on snow falls fallen.
Their hands hovering over oil drum furnaces;
displaced members of artist colonies and rodeo circuits
throw in stories like faded photographs,
feeding the flames brighter than a day in the sun.

When the fire’s ashes, voices scatter to the wind;
ships embark from empty liquor bottles;
victory deserts a swollen can of beans.
Memories burn and die like stars as
the snow falls on fallen snows falling.
Click to expand...

fire's ashes comes off awkward, but otherwise - much improved.
 
Like the edited version and agree about the 'Fire's ashes'. If it means 'Fire is ashes' it wouldn't detract from the line to put it as such.
 
pensivepoet said:
I understand what mag is saying, but i actually liked "their" in the first line. It somehow invited me in.
I would've left out "the" before oil drums. But then, i don't kknow shit. Just ask around
Overall, i liked the poem, the telling. There does seem to be small pieces of cliche scattered within, but that's hard to avoid now that everything's been written at least a hundred times.
Good stuff
Click to expand...
Hey there. I have been told by many accomplished poets and now, I try to follow the same advice I'm offering you. In poetry, because it is a brief form of communicating an entire novel or lifetime of experience the writer NEEDS to examine every word and image to be sure the intended meaning is conveyed with clarity and moves your reader forward to the next word right to the finish so that the end comes as a surprise almost. So, with that being said, is the possessive pronoun of "their" necessary?

The problematic "fire's ashes, voices scatter" my suggestion would be - when the ashes and voices scatter with the wind

Thanks for sharing. This is your poem and so I cannot tell you how to write it, I merely offer suggestions on what I think would improve this piece.
 
champagne1982 said:
Hey there. I have been told by many accomplished poets and now, I try to follow the same advice I'm offering you. In poetry, because it is a brief form of communicating an entire novel or lifetime of experience the writer NEEDS to examine every word and image to be sure the intended meaning is conveyed with clarity and moves your reader forward to the next word right to the finish so that the end comes as a surprise almost. So, with that being said, is the possessive pronoun of "their" necessary?

The problematic "fire's ashes, voices scatter" my suggestion would be - when the ashes and voices scatter with the wind

Thanks for sharing. This is your poem and so I cannot tell you how to write it, I merely offer suggestions on what I think would improve this piece.
Click to expand...

It seems to me, as a simple reader. That warming hands could simply be that. Hands warming.
It was important to me that it was possessive.
There can be pots boiling on a stove, or martha's pots boiling.
I understand that it is clarified in the next line. I still liked the intimacy of a word that made me wonder who owned the hands.
But thank you for quantifying the other part of my comment.
I liked the original just fine and the revision as well.
Moving along...
 
Thanks all!

After considering everyone's feedback, I drafted a version I'm happy with. Submitted under the title
"The Snowmen". Hope it's well received by the Lit crowd!
 
wildescarlet said:
After considering everyone's feedback, I drafted a version I'm happy with. Submitted under the title
"The Snowmen".
Click to expand...
Now you can take a step back (make it--ten steps back), and look at the whole situation--your poem, and the feedback, and your poem again, and in general.

Hope it's well received by the Lit crowd!
Click to expand...
Misplaced members should support you :). Give us a link to your poem, and I hope that you will do well. Good luck,
 
Last edited:
She said "Give me all you've got"
but being young and inexperienced
I misplaced my member
and with a shriek of "Not there!"
she threw me out the backdoor.
 
UnderYourSpell said:
She said "Give me all you've got"
but being young and inexperienced
I misplaced my member
and with a shriek of "Not there!"
she threw me out the backdoor.
Click to expand...

She may had liked misplaced members
exploring her misplaced places,
southing her tantrums and bad tempers,
but she's one of hopeless cases.
 
pelegrino said:
She may had liked misplaced members
exploring her misplaced places,
southing her tantrums and bad tempers,
but she's one of hopeless cases.
Click to expand...

I think some warning beforehand should be uttered ......... it's only polite not to going banging on the wrong door :eek:
 
Hi, both of them nice and very different in subject matter. I left a couple of comments.
:rose:
 
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