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Old 08-20-2017, 09:15 AM   #401
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Originally Posted by littlecordelera View Post
This thread has turned into the "He-Man Women Hater's Club." Any suggestion that a male might be at fault is simply unacceptable.
That is nonsense. Men are constantly told that we are not being understanding enough or not doing enough to engage her or being unrealistic. That is the default position and there is plenty of it here as well.

Quite the opposite we are always told it is our fault. No matter how unreceptive she it is always because of what we have or haven't done. It is you who seem unable to grasp the possibility that the problem isn't always with the man's inability to execute the perfect routine. Meanwhile if she is called upon to do any more than show up obviously the man is wrong.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:25 PM   #402
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In the same boat!!

So many of us guys seem to suffer from having wives with a lower libido than us or who have simply gone off sex later in life.
I have been married over 40 years (over 70 years old now) and have always had a high sex drive. We did have great sex in the early years but once the kids arrived our sex life took a nose dive so I have always masturbated frequently to relieve my sexual frustration.
I have also had a jerk buddy and enjoyed that whenever we could meet up.
Recently on the few occasions my wife was in the mood, she would cum fairly quickly but I seemed to take a long time to ejaculate and it got worse so she started to give up on trying to make me cum and now we just don't have sex at all.
I can cum fairly easily by masturbating if I have some stimulation to help - such as watching erotic videos or reading erotic stories on Literotica although with age it does take a bit longer.
I have also found that I get turned on more now by watching men in sexy videos, especially speedo videos. I still enjoy women enormously but as the chances of having real sex with women has diminished, I find myself going to a place out in the country where men in similar situations meet up for sexual relief.
I think we just have to keep masturbating to reduce the sexual tension and thank goodness the internet was invented!
I wish I could have a bit more private time to get naked and have a marathon masturbation session. Maybe if there are any similar guys out there who could host a get together we could meet up and enjoy some "relief".
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Old 08-21-2017, 10:26 AM   #403
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Originally Posted by KimGordon67 View Post
Ditto. I still to this today have no idea why I lost interest, but when it came back, it came back with a vengeance. I would have totally understood if my husband had left me during that time - and he only stayed because he loved me. We have no interest in being together for financial reasons, or because it's 'better for the children', so it's only really because of our care for each other. I was so pleased when things changed, as much for him as for me.
I think that's what drew me to post here. I was the spouse with no sex drive, and I thank my husband for understanding and loving me for me. Now that I have that mindset or hormones, we are making up for all the lost days.
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Old 08-21-2017, 10:37 AM   #404
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Originally Posted by SlutAddicted View Post
That is nonsense. Men are constantly told that we are not being understanding enough or not doing enough to engage her or being unrealistic. That is the default position and there is plenty of it here as well.

Quite the opposite we are always told it is our fault. No matter how unreceptive she it is always because of what we have or haven't done. It is you who seem unable to grasp the possibility that the problem isn't always with the man's inability to execute the perfect routine. Meanwhile if she is called upon to do any more than show up obviously the man is wrong.



Someone gets it. In the modern day, feminism has evolved so much that "princess mentality" is everywhere. I believe that no matter what I earn,no matter how comfortable life is, no matter how little my wife has toworry about... She'd find something, and it'd be my fault.


I could earn 10m a year, working an hour a month, spend all my time looking after her and the kids. Have an army of professionals to take care of our home that was exactly what she wanted.

And do you know what, it's not be right. Someone, somewhere would do something she didn't agree with and it'd be my fault.


As we've got older, I now understand that she "projects". So when suffering from a lack of body confidence, or is moody, or has let the house become a mess... It's easier to blame me.

She's currently about 25% overweight since the kids. Instead of doing something about it, she's started making snide remarks about my weight, appearance, etc.

I haven't changed.


Some days, I do wonder why I stay.
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Old 08-21-2017, 02:19 PM   #405
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willycum View Post
So many of us guys seem to suffer from having wives with a lower libido than us or who have simply gone off sex later in life.
I have been married over 40 years (over 70 years old now) and have always had a high sex drive. We did have great sex in the early years but once the kids arrived our sex life took a nose dive so I have always masturbated frequently to relieve my sexual frustration.
I have also had a jerk buddy and enjoyed that whenever we could meet up.
Recently on the few occasions my wife was in the mood, she would cum fairly quickly but I seemed to take a long time to ejaculate and it got worse so she started to give up on trying to make me cum and now we just don't have sex at all.
I can cum fairly easily by masturbating if I have some stimulation to help - such as watching erotic videos or reading erotic stories on Literotica although with age it does take a bit longer.
I have also found that I get turned on more now by watching men in sexy videos, especially speedo videos. I still enjoy women enormously but as the chances of having real sex with women has diminished, I find myself going to a place out in the country where men in similar situations meet up for sexual relief.
I think we just have to keep masturbating to reduce the sexual tension and thank goodness the internet was invented!
I wish I could have a bit more private time to get naked and have a marathon masturbation session. Maybe if there are any similar guys out there who could host a get together we could meet up and enjoy some "relief".
It's not uncommon for men to become interest in other men as they enter into their mid 50's. This happens regardless to how much female contact they may have...it's just an interest that they want to explore. Whether it's simply watching bi or gay porn, joining j/o groups or actually having sex with another man.
Yes, sometimes this new found interest is the result of a lack of sex with their female partner but usually it's a desire that just develops.
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Old 08-21-2017, 03:40 PM   #406
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OK, I really take exception to this, and the post by SA. This is not 'women' or 'feminism' - this is your relationship, as an individual, with another individual. If you read the posts from myself, or LoL, you'll see plenty of women in this position don't feel happy about, don't blame their partners, and are perfectly aware there's a problem. We just don't know what to do about it. And that's really scary. So yeah, it's easier to just think about something else.

I'm not saying that's the case with your wives - but if she IS being unreasonable about it and if you're choosing to stay anyway, then you should shoulder some of the responsibility for perpetuating the situation you're in yourselves.

Sorry, I know this is not what this thread is for, and I'll delete this rant if anyone's particularly offended (although why anyone would be offended by the ramblings of a complete stranger half a world away would puzzle me), but I don't like seeing women or feminism blamed for these situations. If anything's to blame, it's the shift in thinking about sex, the move to assuming that we're all entitled to full and gratifying sex lives well into our 70s. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but let's direct the 'blame' where it should be. A hundred years ago, none of this would have been an issue, and you'd all have been sleeping in separate beds/rooms a while back.


Quote:
Originally Posted by newhere2learn View Post
Someone gets it. In the modern day, feminism has evolved so much that "princess mentality" is everywhere. I believe that no matter what I earn,no matter how comfortable life is, no matter how little my wife has toworry about... She'd find something, and it'd be my fault.


I could earn 10m a year, working an hour a month, spend all my time looking after her and the kids. Have an army of professionals to take care of our home that was exactly what she wanted.

And do you know what, it's not be right. Someone, somewhere would do something she didn't agree with and it'd be my fault.


As we've got older, I now understand that she "projects". So when suffering from a lack of body confidence, or is moody, or has let the house become a mess... It's easier to blame me.

She's currently about 25% overweight since the kids. Instead of doing something about it, she's started making snide remarks about my weight, appearance, etc.

I haven't changed.


Some days, I do wonder why I stay.
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Old 08-21-2017, 03:44 PM   #407
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Originally Posted by KimGordon67 View Post
OK, I r be. A hundred years ago, none of this would have been an issue, and you'd all have been sleeping in separate beds/rooms a while back.
We're 30. .... Separate beds?
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Old Yesterday, 07:45 AM   #408
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Originally Posted by KimGordon67 View Post
OK, I really take exception to this, and the post by SA. This is not 'women' or 'feminism' - this is your relationship, as an individual, with another individual. If you read the posts from myself, or LoL, you'll see plenty of women in this position don't feel happy about, don't blame their partners, and are perfectly aware there's a problem. We just don't know what to do about it. And that's really scary. So yeah, it's easier to just think about something else.

I'm not saying that's the case with your wives - but if she IS being unreasonable about it and if you're choosing to stay anyway, then you should shoulder some of the responsibility for perpetuating the situation you're in yourselves.

Sorry, I know this is not what this thread is for, and I'll delete this rant if anyone's particularly offended (although why anyone would be offended by the ramblings of a complete stranger half a world away would puzzle me), but I don't like seeing women or feminism blamed for these situations. If anything's to blame, it's the shift in thinking about sex, the move to assuming that we're all entitled to full and gratifying sex lives well into our 70s. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but let's direct the 'blame' where it should be. A hundred years ago, none of this would have been an issue, and you'd all have been sleeping in separate beds/rooms a while back.

I don't believe that my post blamed women or feminism. My point is that it is quite possible that in any given situation that the wife might be just as responsible for the circumstances as the man and the default position among many (and I said not all) that it is up to the man to try harder is not fair. Furthermore my comment was in response to a comment by LC that was tagging this as the He-Man Haters club, not to the rationale comments that you have made.

From a male point of view I feel as though there is a visceral resistance to the prospect that any wife is ever being unreasonable or selfish - I am not speaking of all wives or attributing their behaviour to feminism or anything else in particular. Nor am I suggesting that she should "just get over it." But I am saying that not every woman who is neglecting her man's sexual needs is really doing her best. Some such as yourself go through tough times but do truly empathize with there husbands. Others don't - they just check out and dismiss their husband's needs.

I'm not saying all or even a majority. But we have no problem with the concept of a selfish and insensitive man - why is it so hard to imagine such behaviour in a woman? Why does the mere suggestion of the possibility get everyone's dander up?

To the extent that a wife is being unreasonable it is unfair to say that it is partly the man's fault simply because he chooses to stay - you are wrong about that because you know damn well there could be many other reasons he chooses to stick it out. But he is contributing to the situation if he chooses not to see it for what it is a constantly accept the premise that it is up to him to try harder. That is my point - not to blame women in general but to make it ok for a man to look at his situation honestly. Recognizing that it is possible for a wife to be selfish doesn't make us haters.
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Old Yesterday, 09:18 AM   #409
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There are circumstances where a guy is just being an insensitive jerk - no qualifiers, no excuses and certainly no blaming his wife.

The same can apply to women. Anyone who cannot accept that reality is gender biased.

It is rarely that simple of course. There are always complicating circumstances. But that is life isn't it? The jerk always has a reason for his/her behaviour. The issue is whether they are making any real effort to overcome those issues for the sake of their partner.

Clarity of thought around that point is important.

It is hard to argue against more understanding but sometimes that isn't enough and the constant push (and advice) in that direction just results in staying in a bad situation too long. Even if you stay with your spouse, moving on to accept who they are is a source of peace of mind.
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Old Yesterday, 03:15 PM   #410
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlutAddicted View Post
I don't believe that my post blamed women or feminism. My point is that it is quite possible that in any given situation that the wife might be just as responsible for the circumstances as the man and the default position among many (and I said not all) that it is up to the man to try harder is not fair. Furthermore my comment was in response to a comment by LC that was tagging this as the He-Man Haters club, not to the rationale comments that you have made.

From a male point of view I feel as though there is a visceral resistance to the prospect that any wife is ever being unreasonable or selfish - I am not speaking of all wives or attributing their behaviour to feminism or anything else in particular. Nor am I suggesting that she should "just get over it." But I am saying that not every woman who is neglecting her man's sexual needs is really doing her best. Some such as yourself go through tough times but do truly empathize with there husbands. Others don't - they just check out and dismiss their husband's needs.

I'm not saying all or even a majority. But we have no problem with the concept of a selfish and insensitive man - why is it so hard to imagine such behaviour in a woman? Why does the mere suggestion of the possibility get everyone's dander up?

To the extent that a wife is being unreasonable it is unfair to say that it is partly the man's fault simply because he chooses to stay - you are wrong about that because you know damn well there could be many other reasons he chooses to stick it out. But he is contributing to the situation if he chooses not to see it for what it is a constantly accept the premise that it is up to him to try harder. That is my point - not to blame women in general but to make it ok for a man to look at his situation honestly. Recognizing that it is possible for a wife to be selfish doesn't make us haters.
Re: the first bolded point - who is 'we' here?
I have no problem at with the concept of a selfish/insensitive woman. In fact, I know many personally. I think that gendered these situations unnecessarily is potentially distracting from what's actually going on.

Re: the second bolded point - I actually wrote quite a bit after that comment, and then deleted it because I worried it was over-complicating the issue. Yes, there are other reasons people choose to stay in relationships. In many of the instances in this thread, as I've noted repeatedly, the guys have chosen to stay because they love their wives, and understand that they are getting other things from the relationship, but they miss the sex and are a bit sad about that, even though they understand why it's happened, which I think is pretty reasonable. However, there's a significant chunk of posts in here that indicate a fair degree of dislike of their wives, and/or a fair degree of (what I would consider to be) unacceptable behaviour from the wives.

So, in those instances, lets assume the guys are choosing to stay for other reasons - financial, children, whatever. What I'm saying is that in those instances, it's still a choice (and not I personally would make). Given that, even if you didn't create the situation, you are taking some part in perpetuating it because you've chosen to prioritise other factors. Therefore, yes, I think you need to accept some responsibility for things remaining the way they are - which, really, is what the first group of guys I described above have done.
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Old Yesterday, 08:36 PM   #411
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My wife certainly was in the "don't know what to do about it" group. She knew we weren't having sex. Knew I wasn't happy. Knew she didn't want sex. None of that was a revelation. The fact that she felt lost and alone was. To be honest, that didn't occur to me until she said it.

I think part of the problem is that a sexual dry spell is often accompanied by a communication break down. We start making assumptions instead of communication and listening to our lover. We wait until the situation is at a boil and then confront, in the name of trying to be considerate. We try not to force the issue because no one wants to force someone they love to have sex. We wait and wait and suddenly make our feelings and frustration known and then wait for something to change in response. One spouse feels better having gotten the problem out in the open and the other feels ambushed. We try to solve the problem on our own, read advice columns, try to make changes, etc ad nauseam but do it quietly hoping that something will change.

In my case my wife noticed the changes, appreciated them, and then felt guilty because she didn't want sex. She felt like the changes were about sex instead of about our marriage. Cleaning the dishes and doing the laundry in exchange for sex is not very sexy. Of course I didn't see it that way. I was trying to make her day easier and to help her, but the reason that got that ball rolling was sex and at the end of day sex was the gorilla in the room that we avoided talking about but wanted to happen.

What has thankfully worked for me is to have stopped walking on eggshells sexually. It is crucial that my wife wants to be sexual even if it's not always on her mind. That allows me to tell her when things are off track long before it's a problem and gives us (not just her) a chance to work together. There was more than enough blame to spread between us but it was wrong to think in terms of blame.

Honestly, the fact that both of us care is more important. If she didn't then love, kids, finances, family expectations and all of that would be trumped by a sense of hopelessness. Not caring would have meant that my love wasn't returned, and that would have been the death blow.

Butt she did care. From there it became about learning to communicate and see each other's perspective. It was compromise and learning to work together because the health of our marriage was more important than who was to blame or who was doing what to contribute to the problem. Understanding that we both had a responsibility to communicate with each other and try to work on our sex life but at the same time more than sex was critical. We had to love each other in order to have any chance of getting our sex life back on the rails.

I had to ask my wife, "Do you care enough about me and our marriage to try to work this out?" Then we could ask how I could change, how she could, and start trying.
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