Should I try BDSM?

I need advice. This is an actual problem I have and I don't know how to deal with it at the moment

So, my long distance boyfriend visited me a while ago, and he was really pushy about wanting to have sex.. Before meeting him I used to be turned on all the time and I really thought I wanted to do it with him, but when we met those feelings just stopped.. and I just wasn't turned on at all. So I started thinking I was asexual, but that didn't feel quite right, I mean I could go months without feeling any sexual pleasure, but occasionally it did happen..

However, I started to feel that I really needed to explore my sexuality, so I started chatting with people who were dom, and how they talked about it just really turned me on. I wanna be dominated.

The only problem I have is.. I wanna be submissive, but not all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell my boyfriend, it's all or nothing.. Or maybe he won't like it..

I just hate it when my man does submissive things that aren't manly, I'm kind of into patriarchal men..

Also, how do I tell my boyfriend that I wanna explore this?

Do whatever you want.

melimelia said:

The only problem I have is.. I wanna be submissive, but not all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell my boyfriend, it's all or nothing.. Or maybe he won't like it..

...

Also, how do I tell my boyfriend that I wanna explore this?

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I suppose you could leave an inefficiently long trail of cupcakes leading to a sweetly worded note?

Contain your chosen message in a highly cryptic and obscure cipher that he has to work out?

Pay a bored pilot to write a proposal in the sky?

Smoke signals?

Am I making sense here?

As for trying BDSM i'd say happily YES! you should if you want to.
As for why you're feeling the way your are with your BF well someone actually familar with Long Distance Relationships should actually weigh in on that but it seems to me it may take a while for you to have feelings for you BF after being physically seperated so long.

As for your questions of approaching BDSM with your bf well everyone goes through that with a vanilla partner at some point. Whether or not he's the one to explore BDSM with who can say.

melimelia said:

The only problem I have is.. I wanna be submissive, but not all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell my boyfriend, it's all or nothing.. Or maybe he won't like it..

I just hate it when my man does submissive things that aren't manly, I'm kind of into patriarchal men..

Also, how do I tell my boyfriend that I wanna explore this?

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Use your words. Explain what you want, like you did here. If you tell him what you want, yeah, there's a chance of him saying no, and that will suck. (And then you have to decide whether this is something worth breaking up over.) But if you don't tell him, you guarantee not getting what you want.

There is no secret way of asking-without-asking. If you want to hear "yes" you have to accept the possibility of a "no".

That said, sometimes it's worth writing this sort of thing up as a letter or email, so you can make sure it covers everything you want to say.

It's not "All or nothing" - it will be whatever you arrange. Your submission can range from 24/7 commitment that spans out of bedroom, to once-per-month playtimes when you are in the mood. There's nothing wrong with that.

As far as how he likes that - communicate with him. That's the only way to know. Don't let yourself be pushed around though - BDSM is a place where you should hold your ground about your limits - and whoever domming you should respect them. When he starts pushing against them, trying to guilt you in or coerce you - that's an unhealthy relationship right there.

Also, I can't help but notice that if you didn't like the idea of sleeping with him - maybe he's not the right persosn for you. Have you entertained the idea of finding someone else, who will sexually attract you better?
Because trust me - sex is an important part of the relationship. Are you sure you want to spend your life with a man whom you don't really want? Think about it. It doesn't seem to me that you really are head-over-heels in love.

melimelia said:

I need advice. This is an actual problem I have and I don't know how to deal with it at the moment

So, my long distance boyfriend visited me a while ago, and he was really pushy about wanting to have sex.. Before meeting him I used to be turned on all the time and I really thought I wanted to do it with him, but when we met those feelings just stopped.. and I just wasn't turned on at all. So I started thinking I was asexual, but that didn't feel quite right, I mean I could go months without feeling any sexual pleasure, but occasionally it did happen..

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My libido rises and falls all the time for several reasons. Often times it's linked to my menstration cycle and even then it could be because of my stress levels or nothing (apparent) at all. Is it possible that when you finally met you just didn't click with him? It's one thing to get to know someone from afar and really like what you get a glimpse at, and it's another thing to meet them and smell them and see all the little things they do. Could it be chemistry wasn't there?

However, I started to feel that I really needed to explore my sexuality, so I started chatting with people who were dom, and how they talked about it just really turned me on. I wanna be dominated.

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Talked with them about what and how? What does "being dominated" look like to you?

The only problem I have is.. I wanna be submissive, but not all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell my boyfriend, it's all or nothing.. Or maybe he won't like it..

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What does submission look like to you? I assure you that whatever you come up with will be different from my answer and many others. It's not something that has to be "all or nothing." Some negotiate based on when, how and what they will do when they take part in submission to another.

I just hate it when my man does submissive things that aren't manly, I'm kind of into patriarchal men..

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Submission is neither masculine nor feminine.

Also, how do I tell my boyfriend that I wanna explore this?

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You open your mouth and you use your words.

Submission is neither masculine nor feminine.

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Yeah, but you should understand that many in our society associate it with being feminine. Just like many associate enjoying anal sex by men - with being a gay.

Longer explanation below:
You can't help those little associations that our society builds into us. Sometimes you don't want to help it, don't see a point in changing your mind. Many people have prejudices that may not have anything to do with reality, and yet they'll live with them for their entire life, even if they logically agree that these prejudices are nothing more than misunderstandings and limitations implanted by the socium.

For example I, in a purely cold logical discussion will agree that there is nothing essentially wrong with having sex with another man. If two people can pleasure each other physically, then why not, it would seem. I'm not revolted by the sight of a good male body, in fact I can appreciate the beauty.
But I will not likely ever be involved into gay sex. Just because the thought of it is disturbing, revolting for me on some deep animalistic level. Even sucking a penis-shaped dildo is mentally disturbing, although that I'd do if my partner got a kick out of it. I can convince myself that it's just a piece of silicone.
I would be first to say that this repulsion is probaby implanted by the socium, and not ingraned in my DNA as a male. But what does it change? I still don't like the idea. And I don't see a point in changing that prejudice about myself.

Nezhul...While you are expressing your POV and a POV that has been comfortable for the majority of people in the culture, I would posit that dominance or submissive traits are in fact NOT tied to gender.

There are many submissive men who are active on this board and your comments would tend to make their participation feel less welcome here, something that I would find unfortunate.

Also, there may be all kinds of sexual activities that I personally may not choose to engage in (for you that seems to be same sex activities) but that does not make them better or worse on any scale. We like what we like and we love who we love.

I implore you to attempt to be less judgmental in your comments here in order for this board to continue to be a safe place for people of all kinds of kink, identities, etc.

Thank you for your consideration.

cascadiabound said:

Nezhul...While you are expressing your POV and a POV that has been comfortable for the majority of people in the culture, I would posit that dominance or submissive traits are in fact NOT tied to gender.

There are many submissive men who are active on this board and your comments would tend to make their participation feel less welcome here, something that I would find unfortunate.

Also, there may be all kinds of sexual activities that I personally may not choose to engage in (for you that seems to be same sex activities) but that does not make them better or worse on any scale. We like what we like and we love who we love.

I implore you to attempt to be less judgmental in your comments here in order for this board to continue to be a safe place for people of all kinds of kink, identies, etc.

Thank you for your consideration.

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Pretty much this. If someone's ideas of submission are based on gender because the majority of society sees that as so, it's important to point it out and make people question why they think that way. Being a woman does not make one submissive and being a man does not make one dominant. This idea that men should act a certain way or they will be considered "not manly" is insulting to women and detrimental to men.

I implore you to attempt to be less judgmental in your comments here in order for this board to continue to be a safe place for people of all kinds of kink, identities, etc.

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I wasn't judgmental! Take my post at face value please.

I never said that I thought submission is feminine. I said that a lot of people think like that, and they will continue to think like it no matter what, because it's deeply ingrained into them.
That it's OK for a girl to submit, but not OK for a man to submit - this is what society teaches us since before we can walk.

I only stated my views about gay sex and how I don't want to participate. Doesn't mean I hate gays or even that I don't understand that for a blowjob, for instance, it's highly irrelevant what gender the one giving it is. I understand that. But my view of gay sex when applied to myself is rooted so deep that I don't see myself ever embracing it.
I don't judge gay activities, I simply say they are not for me even though logically this is kinda stupid.

Same with submission. My point was that no matter how much you will tell someone that submission is not gender-related, if they are brought up to think that it's not masculine - they will unlikely change because of your words. They may agree with you. But they still won't be able to see it as masculine.

These opinions are like tastes. They can't be changed by logical discussion or effort of will. Some think boiled carrots are tasty, but I hate them. I agree that they are nutritious, that there's nothing wrong with them, that they may be tasty for others. But it doesn't change that I hate the taste.
Same with submission and pointing out it's lack of gender attachment. If somebody finds submissive men unsexy - it's unlikely to change because you tell them it's alright.

I guess there are two different types of rejection of any particular fenomena.
One is rooted on the surface - you know the rules, but you can't help but question them deep down. This type creates guilty fantasies, where you secretly fantasize about something but openly reject it as something unacceptable, because doing otherwise would be too shameful.
Another type is rooted deeply, where you really lose all interest in participating in something. Or even get repulsed by it, even though it's not bad per se.

I am signed up to attend a class next month on how to discuss taboo topics which would be perfect - but I don't recommend waiting a month for me to take this class and provide you with that information.

melimelia said:

I need advice. This is an actual problem I have and I don't know how to deal with it at the moment

So, my long distance boyfriend visited me a while ago, and he was really pushy about wanting to have sex.. Before meeting him I used to be turned on all the time and I really thought I wanted to do it with him, but when we met those feelings just stopped.. and I just wasn't turned on at all. So I started thinking I was asexual, but that didn't feel quite right, I mean I could go months without feeling any sexual pleasure, but occasionally it did happen..

However, I started to feel that I really needed to explore my sexuality, so I started chatting with people who were dom, and how they talked about it just really turned me on. I wanna be dominated.

The only problem I have is.. I wanna be submissive, but not all the time, and I'm afraid if I tell my boyfriend, it's all or nothing.. Or maybe he won't like it..

I just hate it when my man does submissive things that aren't manly, I'm kind of into patriarchal men..

Also, how do I tell my boyfriend that I wanna explore this?

Click to expand...

On line relationships and face to face relationships are two different things. First, when it's on line, both parties have the luxury of being who they want to be...effectively creating a personality that can be very pleasant to the other party. In effect, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be.

In a face to face relationship, anything that is seen is real, not fake or created. It's also very difficult to carry on with something that was just on line before, as the expectations (both physical look as well as personality traits) are often deflated with the reality of what they really are.

And just because you didn't feel attracted to him, once you had met him in real life, doesn't mean you are asexual at all. Actually, it only means you weren't attracted to him. If you hadn't had any kind of on line relationship before you met, things might have been different. It's just how things happen sometimes. We develop our own expectations in many ways and when they are deflated, even just a little bit, it can have disastrous results.

As far as BDSM goes, only you can decide if you should give it a try. And you don't have to always be submissive. You can just enjoy BDSM type sexual situations part of the time and completely vanilla situations at other times. And you can also maybe feel dominant in some situations, too. Sometimes, depending on your partner, you can feel totally different than when with someone else. It's just the chemical attraction that the two of you have together.

I'd suggest you read some info on BDSM things, maybe on line or read some stories here on Lit. Find out if you always feel the same way in some situations or if you sometimes feel submissive and sometimes feel dominant with the same person or situation. Whatever you find out, there are no rules. If you find you like some things and not others, just develop a connection to those things you like.

Don't try to fit into some kind of label like submissive or dom, or even switch. That can only get confusing. If you need to have a label on things, make one up, once you find what you like.

Then, the next thing you do is find someone who feels like you do or rather just the opposite (dom to your submissive, etc.), so you can both play in BDSM games. Keep in mind, it's all just what you enjoy. Don't try to fit into someone else's label or someone else's picture of how you should feel.

If you try to fit into someone else's label, you'll always be forced into that label. And unless you enjoy that kind of thing, you won't be happy. As long as you stick with things that turn you on, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and ultimately you'll be more satisfied.

DVS said:

On line relationships and face to face relationships are two different things. First, when it's on line, both parties have the luxury of being who they want to be...effectively creating a personality that can be very pleasant to the other party. In effect, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be.[snip]

As far as BDSM goes, only you can decide if you should give it a try.
[snip]
I'd suggest you read some info on BDSM things, maybe on line or read some stories here on Lit. Find out if you always feel the same way in some situations or if you sometimes feel submissive and sometimes feel dominant with the same person or situation. Whatever you find out, there are no rules. If you find you like some things and not others, just develop a connection to those things you like.

Don't try to fit into some kind of label like submissive or dom, or even switch. That can only get confusing. If you need to have a label on things, make one up, once you find what you like.[!!!!!!!!!!!!!] added for emphasis

Then, the next thing you do is find someone who feels like you do or rather just the opposite (dom to your submissive, etc.), so you can both play in BDSM games. Keep in mind, it's all just what you enjoy. Don't try to fit into someone else's label or someone else's picture of how you should feel.

If you try to fit into someone else's label, you'll always be forced into that label. And unless you enjoy that kind of thing, you won't be happy. As long as you stick with things that turn you on, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and ultimately you'll be more satisfied.

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DVS - it is great to see you -

there is a ton of wisdom here. I bolded some of the bits I thought were the MOST IMPORTANT.

cb

ALSO - to be clear:

A Dominant or submissive can be any gender

- A Dominant or submissive can be any body type

- A Dominant or submissive can be any age above legal age

- Male identifying submissives are not, by default, ‘sissies’

- Female identifying submissives are not, by default, ‘little girls’

- Just because you’re not a submissive doesn’t make you a Dominant

- Just because you’re not a Dominant doesn’t make you a submissive

- Switches exist, and they’re amazing.

- BDSM is full of nuance: there isn’t only one way to do it

- D/S does not have to be a 24/7, 365 day thing

- A D/s relationship does not necessarily have to include bondage, humiliation, impact play, water sports, lactation training, forced orgasms, or ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT IT TO.

- Be the Dominant or submissive that is right for you, and find someone who thinks along the same vein. Never let someone make you feel you have to do something you’re not comfortable with.

my advice

Okay, I have a few different opinions to give you and I hope it helps with some of your questions. First of all, you said you wanted to have sex with your LD boyfriend all the time before he came to visit. Does that mean you had never met in person before? Also, I don't know if you two had already been intimate before the visit you are referring to, so I will give my opinion for different scenarios. If you had not met in person before, I would say that the chemistry just wasn't right between the two of you. Online chatting, texting, phone calls, and Skype can be fun but nothing can replace that basic attraction you feel for someone when you meet in person. Even if you had met before or had already been intimate before, time and distance can change things. Your mind can easily replace memories or create fantasies that are much more spectacular than real life events. It's easy to see things or believe things simply because you 'want' to, but the reality may fall short of your expectations. Honestly, it doesn't sound like your relationship is as great as it should be. My advice would be to try dating other people - find that 'spark' this relationship is missing.

Also, no matter who you are with, they should never be 'pushy' about having sex. And you shouldn't need to be 'pushed' if it was something you wanted to do. Sex isn't any good if the desire isn't there for both people involved.

Regarding your curiosity about BDSM and wanting to be dominated - I would say there is nothing wrong with experimenting a little with someone you trust. But PLEASE, do not hook up with someone just to be 'Dominated'. Reading about it, talking about it, or fantasizing about it and actually doing it are very different things. You think you want to be submissive. The things you've heard about it sound like fun. Both of those statements might be true, but it isn't just some fun game. It can be . . . If that's what you and your partner agree on, but in any case, it should always be with someone you undoubtedly trust! Read about it some more. Talk to more people with experience - Doms and subs. Learn more about what you like and what you definitely don't like. Be safe, set rules, and discuss everything first.

As for how to bring up the topic with your current or future boyfriend, it's not that hard. Most guys will talk about sex anytime you want. Just mention a story you read or a porn you saw and talk about some of the things that 'might' turn you on. Don't worry about it being embarrassing or him thinking you are weird. Everyone is different and I think almost everyone has some type of fetish, whether they admit it or not. Hell, I think people who like 'normal' sex are weird!

Hope this helped even a little.

Great thread here. My girlfriend told me that she likes to be dominated and wants to explore that some more. I have no problem with it and I love to try and dominate her and where you been thinking about joining this sex club so I can learn how to do it better. I love having rough sex with her slapping her spanking her tie her down and making her suck my dick. I'm anxious to learn more on how to dominate because I'm really enjoying this. Good luck with this and I hope you find what you're looking for. Everybody deserves pleasure

This is a good thread, and a great question.