Humor Thread

Little red riding hood gets all dressed up and goes down stairs where she see’s her father.

“Red you can’t go outside, the big bad wolf is looking for you and he said that he is going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck you till your sore.” Her father said.

“No I got this.” She says as she reaches in her basket and pulls out a .45 cocking it and putting it back in her basket. She heads on her way to grandma’s house when she hears.

“Hey Red, I am going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and fuck you till your sore.” The big bad wolf say’s stepping out from behind the tree’s. She quickly pulls out the pistol pointing it at him.

“NO BITCH, YOUR GOING TO EAT ME LIKE THE STORY SAYS.”

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always

thought her husband looked his best in blue,

and that she wants him in a blue suit. She

gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but

please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost

nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of

about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

The ABC's of Aging...

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctor s fully employed!!!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important.



(So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.)



If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up over your head - DO NOT DO IT!!



THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked



I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh.' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consid er a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



Two bonus extras:

One:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'



Two:

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need yo u to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot....

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

SweetWitch said:

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

Click to expand...

BWAH!!!!

sweetsubsarahh said:

BWAH!!!!

Click to expand...

Believe it or not, I got that from my mother in law. Retired nurse. Medical humor.

SweetWitch said:

Believe it or not, I got that from my mother in law. Retired nurse. Medical humor.

Click to expand...

That hit me just right.

Damn funny!

SweetWitch said:

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

Click to expand...

Laughing. Good one.

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and, again, he is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

An American Indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offeredher a ride to a near by town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

Hell Explained By Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (abs orbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!

The Unfaithful Wife

The Unfaithful Wife
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A man, returning home a day early from a
business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he asked the cabby if he would be a
witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband
and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The
husband switched on the lights, yanked the
blanket back, and there was his wife in bed
with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's
head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has
been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money! He paid for the Corvette I
bought for you! He paid for our new cabin
cruiser! He paid for your season Green Bay
Packer Tickets! He paid for our house at the
lake! He paid for our country clu b membership,
and he even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side the
husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked
over at the cab driver and said, 'What would
you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass up with that
blanket before he catches a cold.'

A blonde and her husband are in bed one night when the phone rings.

The blonde answers, says "How do I know, it's 1,500 miles away"and hangs up.

A few minutes later, the phone rings again. She picks it up and says "Now how would I know, I told you it's 1,500 miles away."

"Who's that?" the husband asks.

"Some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."

home remedies that work

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers - just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. This will reduce the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent your rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



And Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Good one Tark!

That was a good one Tark, made me smile. I like to smile.
DG

No Pants Wednesday

How To Save The Airlines

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

This is a story my mother told me when I was younger. Mom used to be a bartender, so she's apparently heard them all. It's bad when your own mother knows better dirty jokes than you or your friends. >_>

A man walked into a bar and saw a sign on the outside of the door with a picture of a donkey laughing on it. The words under the image said that if you can make the bartender laugh, you'd win $50. If you can make the bartender cry, you'd win $500. Smiling slightly, the man continued on into the bar and sat down and ordered a drink. He asked the bartender if that sign was real or just some kind of silly gimmick. The bartender assured him that it was real, and the man sitting on the bar stool next to him elbowed him in the ribs and guffawed at him that he shouldn't even bother. No one had ever been able to break "ironface" Jim before. The stranger just smiled secretively, and he beckoned the bartender to the far end of the bar. He whispered something in the bartender's ear, whereupon the bartender burst out into riotous laughter. He shook his head at the man and slapped the bar counter, obviously extremely amused by something.

The bar patrons watched in amazement. He had done it! He had broken old ironface! They watched as Jim counted out five crisp 10$ bills and handed them to the stranger. Then he followed him into the men's room, and after a half a minute or so, the men returned, with the bartender sobbing bitterly. He hid his face behind a bar rag for a few minutes while the triumphant stranger returned to his seat at the bar, only to be swarmed by bar flies.

"What did you say to him?" they demanded. "How in the world did you get old Jim to laugh?"

"I just told him that my dick was bigger than his," the man said coolly, taking a swig of his beer and waiting for Jim to get his money.

The bar erupted into wild laughter, and men began slapping him on the back. "But wait a minute," one broke in. "How did you get him to cry? I've NEVER seen Jim so upset!"

"Oh that," the stranger chuckled. "I just took him back there and showed it to him."

Frisky Dog Let Loose In Park Video

Frisky Dog Let Loose In Park Video

http://www.break.com/index/frisky-dog-loose-in-park.html
Wish I were this dog. haha

Dating Application

DATING APPLICATION

Your application to join an online dating agency

has been rejected.

One of the questions was

'What do you like most in a woman?'

Apparently, 'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!


Techsan, use to love my jokes. I sure miss him
DG

Spaghetti

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise
The child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Cutting Pills...

Cutting Pills...

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist but a quarter tabletwill not

give you a full erection '

'I am 96,' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection. I justwant it
sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'