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Thoughtful advice would be appreciated.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:
God comes to me for pointers, I'm THAT good.
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SEE You can make people smile. You have a sense of humor. That was humor right? Now drop the over inflated sense of self worth and figure out MY dilemma. This thread was supposed to be all about me remember? Me me me me.
 
SG, nobody can make choices for you. The best you can hope for is for people to be open and share their experiences in raw and honest ways that will help you in some way as you consider your situation. People who will listen and not direct you or push towards one end or another are really really valuable. You need a safe place to vent and let it all hang out.

I hope you find your way - we all deserve to be cherished and loved.
 
stlgoddessfreya: you made so many good points. Didn't want to quote it for space concerns but believe me when I tell you than many of the things you said hit home and are taken to heart. I may be over reacting to recent events and maybe I am not taking it far enough. There are so many things that need to be dealt with on several levels. I am being selfish for wanting more than what he's giving me. Yes I am grateful for what he does for a living and for wanting to provide for me but I also want my husband back. I want the man that I married. We are taking a vacation next month that is more soul searching than vacation. I have to have answers for me, for him, for us. And I also need to be prepared for the next step if he tells me that the life he has is more of what he wants compared to the life we used to have. That is my biggest fear. That's what keeps me awake at night.
 
NorthernGinger said:
SG, nobody can make choices for you. The best you can hope for is for people to be open and share their experiences in raw and honest ways that will help you in some way as you consider your situation. People who will listen and not direct you or push towards one end or another are really really valuable. You need a safe place to vent and let it all hang out.

I hope you find your way - we all deserve to be cherished and loved.
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Isn't there a pill that a dr can prescribe for this? They want to fill us with zillions of meds for everything else. Can't they make a pill that fixes broken or bruised marriages? I guess the real reason that I made this thread was to vent. I honestly don't expect to get the magic answer on a forum. I can't tell too many of my friends about my problems because they all think we have the perfect marriage. We used to and I think some of the people that are jealous (not my real friends) would enjoy hearing me tell my story. Thanks for taking the time to reply and for being considerate. :)
 
I feel for you, as you're not in an easy situation. When he's home, does he spend quality time with you or is he always on the go? I'm wondering if you're not getting enough time with him, or if he's avoiding spending time with you?

Another, if you need self-fulfillment. As others have posted, yes I'd get a job / hobby / volunteer, whatever feeds your soul. You two are living different realities. When he's gone, he's working, busy and when he comes home, he's (probably) looking to kick back and relax. While you (I'm imagining) are spending alot of time waiting for when he's home and want that time doing things together. See where I'm going here? You two may have very different expectations of his time off. You having work would give you some fulfillment and not have him being the sole focus/ centre of your world. This won't help with the affection and physical contact you need, but it will help mentally. And perhaps you two can come to a compromise about how time is spent when he's in town.

It's good that you guys have a vacation coming up together. Consider both of your needs and I think it's not only a matter of discussing them but also working out a compromise together that you both can live with. I think you two need to negotiate how to save your marriage. If he's unwilling to do so, you've got some hard decisions to make. Then again, maybe knowing his marriage is at stake will rattle his cage a little. who knows?
 
southern_gal said:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am getting more than a few FU pm's from guys that are taking this personally. I have no desire to end my marriage at this point. The affair comment was more bluff and frustration. To be honest my husband told me once that he didn't mind if I messed around on him because I was alone all the time as long as I didnt flaunt it or embarrass him. That comment floored me and hurt a lot. I want him to want me so much that he can't imagine us not being together. That is how I feel. It would crush me to not have him and yet I am really getting to the point that I am worried it won't get any better. If this is all we have as a couple, it's not enough. I am happy you found someone that gives you the emotional support you need. :) We all deserve that.
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This is also a place where it seems to me that's hurting you because your values are not aligned. It may not be that he told you it was acceptable for you to meet your sexual needs with someone else because he doesn't want you, but because sexual monogamy is less important to him than the fidelity to your relationship being one where your sexual needs are met. That's not something the two of you may have ever talked about before because you always lived together and it wasn't an issue. While you would never tell him that he could get his sexual needs met outside your marriage because you can't imagine him not feeling extremely hurt and devalued when he hears it, he may not think the same thing about you. It's not necessarily because he's disregarding your feelings but because his feelings are different and he assumes yours would align with his.
 
southern_gal said:
I am married. Have been for awhile. I joined lit to explore more of me and try and peel back some of my several layers. Along the way in my journey I am discovering that I want more from my husband than apparently he is capable or willing to give. He works on an offshore oil platform and is gone for up to three weeks at a time. He has wanted to do this since birth I think. My problem is I want and need him home more. When he does get home he is back out on the water fishing with the same guys he spends all his time with working. That or the golf course. What about me? I have a good life and don't have to work but I'd trade the new cars and trucks and boat and everything else and live in a tent if I had someone there to hold me every night. I am also afraid that it's tearing us apart because we want different things apparently. I have started considering an affair just to get the attention I need. I know everyone will say we have to talk about it together. Ever talked about something so much that you are literally sick of bringing it up? I am. I'm also feeling about as lost as I ever have. And alone. I took down my pics of me and my av and everything because I thought I'd leave Lit and focus on us but the same ol things happen. So I am back and could really use some help. Thanks to all.
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First off, you may want to click on this link and select "save list". It won't fix the big stuff but it'll save you some trouble.

After that: I think Freya's is good advice. I have a very low opinion of most self-help and relationship-advice books, but "Five Languages of Love" is one of the very few that I found to be useful, and it sounds like it's applicable to your situation: he thinks he's showing love by providing money, but you're not getting the sort of love you actually want.

Couples sometimes fall into a rut of ignoring one another on certain topics... sort of 'selective deafness' but it isn't necessarily a purposeful decision to not hear. I got into it with my partner for a while: she was telling me she was unhappy about some stuff in our life, but for a long time I didn't hear just HOW unhappy she was. To get around that you need to change either the medium or the message. Emailing or asking a mutual friend to talk to him might work for that purpose. If not, "I'm miserable and if we don't fix this I'm leaving" might have to be the next step.

Even if things go well and he does agree to spend more time with you, I'd give serious thought to going back to work anyway. It might make it easier to deal with the times when he's away, both by making you feel less dependent on him and by giving you something to think about besides him. This is the 21st century, if you want to work and his ego feels imperilled by the idea of you working then it's his ego that needs to adjust.

Mr_Jon_Thon said:
Ultimatums rarely work well. If he actually agrees to therapy, there's a good chance he'll resent you for it. And the countdown clock for divorce will jump ahead a few ticks.

Sadly, your situation is common. If both parties don't work at it, it doesn't work. And band-aides only last for so long.
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I agree that it's impossible to fix things unless both parties are making an effort. If he's unable or unwilling to do that, there's no way this is going to go well, and in that case the OP would probably do best to cut her losses sooner rather than later. But doing nothing, or doing the same things she's already tried, is guaranteed not to work.

I would try to cast it not as "I'm going to leave you if you don't agree to therapy" but as "I can't deal with things as they are, if we're going to save this marriage then we both need to work on it, starting with therapy" - i.e. present it as consequence, not punishment.

southern_gal said:
We can email all we want but his boss could read it legally if he wanted to. When he's at work I can't do that to him anyway. He has to be thinking about his job when he's there or bad things can happen. I don't want to be a distraction yet I want him thinking about me/us.
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I don't buy this. You have a commitment to him but he also has a commitment to you; choosing to work a high-risk job doesn't give him carte blanche to ignore stuff that's important in the relationship. If you don't get this fixed, things will come apart one way or another and that's going to be distracting to him anyway.

Speaking for myself, I would much rather have a partner talk about our problems and give me a chance to sort things out, rather than bottling it up and trying not to bug me until, inevitably, the cork pops out of that bottle.
 
A lawyer gave me some sane advice many years ago: YOU CAN ALWAYS GET RE-MARRIED. People talk too fucking much and do too little. Assume little will change, so go, and if you change your mind return.
 
Basically, you're not satisfied with your husband being gone so much, and when he is home, he's focused on other things besides you and the relationship. You feel neglected, that he has you on the bottom of his priority list. Yet, he's happy with being on the top of yours. I have no advice, but I've been there. Sounds like you need to made some hard decisions.

Good luck!

:rose:
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
I started learning psychotherapy in 1967 and learned from the best, the celebrities.

50 years later I think it all boils down to 3 pieces of advice that cover everything: YOU'LL BE SORRY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! and CHILL OUT!
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That's actually not bad.

As for the OP, are you moving the goal posts?
 
If she leaves him for JBJ, I would hope we all get an invite to the nuptials.

@JBJ those three pieces of advice are pretty all inclusive. In all seriousness, you have something there. I have seen self-help books with less substance. I say those are your three main book sections, pad it out with filler anecdotes and some curmudgeonly advice.

@the OP: I am not clear on if when you get him off the rig, the water, and the gold course if you are happy with him?

Is it a quantity of time thing? "Quality Time" is overrated but the time you get is it quality, or no?

What I am hearing is that you more or less get that his job has and always will widow you, but the voluntary time away from you makes you feel undervalued.
 
southern_gal said:
We can email all we want but his boss could read it legally if he wanted to. When he's at work I can't do that to him anyway. He has to be thinking about his job when he's there or bad things can happen. I don't want to be a distraction yet I want him thinking about me/us. See my problem? Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I will certainly find it. I have spent my married life being the perfect wife. I have never worried about what I want or need. I knew about his job when I married him. I get that. However he was an engineer and not yet on a platform. We talked about it a lot but how was I to know how much I would hate being alone? I was not joking when I said the money meant squat compared with what I am missing.

I did work for years and only stopped when he started working offshore. He really doesn't want me to work and I think it's because of the ego thing. Dunno. He just takes so much pride in providing for the both of us. I miss teaching actually. I volunteer three nights a week teaching adults to get their G.E.D and that's rewarding but I am coming to the realization that I simply need more from a husband and it's tearing me inside out to think he doesn't need me the way I need him.
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Dear sweet Southern Gal

I've read many of your messages on this thread and you touched my heart.... I was married to a woman who was both a workaholic and a narcissist so I think I can empathize.... She literally didn't care when I begged her to spend more time together and to go for counseling.

I think you need to introduce a one-woman intervention into his path through life. Either he chooses not to listen to your needs, or try to understand, or he is just oblivious.... the bottom line is you need to shake things up. Invite him to go on a walk in a place where you can talk like rational adults and say out loud and clearly those things you've been bottling up inside. You need to take a chance and try to make a change. You owe this to yourself!

:rose:
 
I spent 30 years in the Merchant Marines and was gone frequently for periods of time up to a year.

This makes things very difficult, but some people do make it work. (I was not one of them, unfortunately.)

Our union used to have a wive's (or in a few cases, husband's) support group for those who remained at home. Something like that might be helpful for you. If something like that does not already exist for people in that business, maybe you could start one.
 
query said:
If she leaves him for JBJ, I would hope we all get an invite to the nuptials.

@JBJ those three pieces of advice are pretty all inclusive. In all seriousness, you have something there. I have seen self-help books with less substance. I say those are your three main book sections, pad it out with filler anecdotes and some curmudgeonly advice.

@the OP: I am not clear on if when you get him off the rig, the water, and the gold course if you are happy with him?

Is it a quantity of time thing? "Quality Time" is overrated but the time you get is it quality, or no?

What I am hearing is that you more or less get that his job has and always will widow you, but the voluntary time away from you makes you feel undervalued.
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Freud was the rage when I applied for my learners permit, but few can access or profit from deep insights such as psychoanalysis peddles door to door. I have seen people literally blabber themselves to death when their real issue was a brain tumor. And I have never read what to do when you stumble across a suicide and its just you and Jesus there to make a difference (carry a roll of duct tape and a package of Kotex in your fanny pack).

Until we mature enough to know that most humans are fulla shit and clueless, at best, it helps more to have an interested, attentive confidante than an ambitious shrink. Few shrinks are really any good. They learn the dance steps in the books but cant improvise, mostly they fuck you if you have the money for it. And life is mostly common sense, we know what to do and don't do it. Find a good friend instead.
 
simplegirl said:
I feel for you, as you're not in an easy situation. When he's home, does he spend quality time with you or is he always on the go? I'm wondering if you're not getting enough time with him, or if he's avoiding spending time with you?

My biggest fear and the one that scares me the most, we are growing apart with different needs. I still need him. I am talking emotional need. JBJ would have me believe that I need him for his money which is simply bs. I made more than he did when we first met. I don't work because he prefers I don't. My fear is that someday I won't be that important to him anymore. Do I stay and risk that? I cannot imagine leaving nor do I want to look back years down the road and think of all the tears cried alone and years spent with having a part time husband that ranks spending time with me somewhere between fishing with his buddies and hours spent on the golf course. I USED to mean more than that to him. He still means that much to me and I am so tired of wondering what I have done wrong. It just hurts.


LadyVer said:
Basically, you're not satisfied with your husband being gone so much, and when he is home, he's focused on other things besides you and the relationship. You feel neglected, that he has you on the bottom of his priority list. Yet, he's happy with being on the top of yours. I have no advice, but I've been there. Sounds like you need to made some hard decisions.

Good luck!

:rose:
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They are the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I honestly am not sure if I am capable of making them. Thank you LV for the thoughtful remarks. I still remember you were one of the first people I chatted with when I joined this silly zoo and you always have wonderful insights.


jomar said:
That's actually not bad.

As for the OP, are you moving the goal posts?
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I have to admit that I really am not sure what this means? sorry

query said:
If she leaves him for JBJ, I would hope we all get an invite to the nuptials.

I already have enough fears to keep me up half the night ok?


@the OP: I am not clear on if when you get him off the rig, the water, and the gold course if you are happy with him?

Yes. I know he cares for me but things are changing. I worry all the time if it's me. Am I not attractive anymore? Does he not want me like he used to? He is still my world and it is dawning on me that I am no longer his.


What I am hearing is that you more or less get that his job has and always will widow you, but the voluntary time away from you makes you feel undervalued.
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When he took this job we talked about it for weeks. We decided that he'd do it for a while and then stop working offshore. I now know that he does not want to give it up. Can I be that selfish to ask him to? He would but I don't want him to do that because I asked him to. I want him to do it because he misses me and what we once had the way I do.


achingyearning said:
Dear sweet Southern Gal

I've read many of your messages on this thread and you touched my heart.... I was married to a woman who was both a workaholic and a narcissist so I think I can empathize.... She literally didn't care when I begged her to spend more time together and to go for counseling.

I think you need to introduce a one-woman intervention into his path through life. Either he chooses not to listen to your needs, or try to understand, or he is just oblivious.... the bottom line is you need to shake things up. Invite him to go on a walk in a place where you can talk like rational adults and say out loud and clearly those things you've been bottling up inside. You need to take a chance and try to make a change. You owe this to yourself!

:rose:
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Thank you for those wonderful words. It really did lift my spirit and make me smile. :)


jacktar48 said:
Our union used to have a wive's (or in a few cases, husband's) support group for those who remained at home. Something like that might be helpful for you. If something like that does not already exist for people in that business, maybe you could start one.
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I have several friends whose husbands do what mine does. Many of them like the freedom they have and many do a lot of things their husbands know nothing of. I don't really want to be like that. I still cry most every time he leaves. I still wake up in the middle of the night and hate that I am alone. Most of the women that I know whose husbands do what mine does are addicted to the income. I never forget that men die doing what he does. I once did earn a really nice salary working for a private firm as a cpa. I would do it again in a heartbeat if my husband decided he wanted to scrub boats for a living. I don't give a shit for the money. I want the passion that I used to get.
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It can be really difficult to handle this kind of job, different shedules and things like that.
I do think you seem to have been very close and done a lot of things together before, perhaps at the expence of cultivating your own separate interests and friendships?

He has found his dream job and gotten his own circle of friends.
You on the other hand, have given up your job and seem to feel that some of your friends aren't really that good friends and that you don't really have someone close enough to talk about this with.
This could create trouble between the two of you even if he worked closer to home and came back every evening.

Asking him to leave the job he loves will probably create lots of trouble, but I do think there is a lot to be said for simplegirl's advice about working on your own self-fullfillment.
It could be work, it could be volunteering, starting a business or some kind of support group, like Jacktar suggested - something that keeps you busy, feels meaningful and ideally gets you in contact with other people.
Spending time with those closest friends and relatives and developing those relationships or finding new good friends through some kind of activity and developing those friendships is another thing that might help you through the weeks without him.

I think it's totally reasonable to ask that a lot of the time he spends at home, is spent together but I think it's easier to plan ahead for things to do when he's back than to wait until he's back, perhaps with a lot of plans made with the people he spends a lot of time at work with.
If you can use email during his work weeks I think it's a great thing because then you stay in contact with each other.
If he knows that you are aware that he might not be able to answer right away and if you work on keeping it positive, it doesn't have to be a distraction in a bad way.
Perhaps you can plan trips together, since that is something you used to enjoy? Plan time with friends and family? Plan a stay in bed weekend?
 
I hope this helps

It is difficult to know what to do when it isn't clear how he feels. His comment that you could fool around with someone when he is gone is troubling unless that is some fantasy of his, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

You are NOT being selfish wanting more for yourself. A marriage is supposed to be about intimacy and sharing, and you are not getting that. If you want to salvage your marriage, you may need to force a confrontation, and you may need professional counseling help.

That said, given his job, he is still going to be away much of the time. One thing that might help is going back to teaching. It will give you something satisfying for yourself and fill your time so that you are not alone and thinking so much about your situation. It may be, too, that that independence on your part might spark new interest from him as he sees you engaged in something you enjoy.

Try to talk him into at least some time together alone when he is home, not necessarily for sex, but just a little romance.

I'm also wondering if he is having sexual dysfunction problems that he is too embarrassed to talk about. If so, engaging in intimacy will reveal his "inadequacy" and that might be something he is unable to deal with. That also might explain his suggestion that you find help elsewhere.

I don't recommend an affair if you hope to reclaim your marriage. That step tends to lead to dissolution. However, you might find flirting, reading erotica, or virtual "affairs" on here at least somewhat satisfying in a way that will help you relieve some of the tension you fear without putting your relationship in jeopardy or giving you a sense of guilt.

I know how difficult this whole situation must be for you. I find myself in a somewhat similar situation. I hope that, at least, some of the advice you have received on here will be helpful to you.
 
I don't need what I can't have.

I tell myself, once in a while, when the need arises. Not sure if that's advice, or not. Or if it's helpful advice. I doubt you'd be really happy with leaving, or something on the side. The emotional connection takes time. Some investment. We don't find these easily.

Does he know how long he's going to do this work schedule? Years? Are you going to sock some cash away for retirement and then spend some quality time together? Maybe some kind of plan with a shared understanding would help you cope with the day-to-day.

If you've explained that you have needs that aren't being met, and he's heard it, but not understood it, then hope that someone else will take the time to explain it again. Sometimes it's who it is, and not what it is, that makes us "get it" finally.

Hope things improve. Take care.
 
I have been given a lot of really good advice and suggestions and for that I am grateful. There are so many people on here that genuinely offer heartfelt insight and actually want to help someone that asks for it. There are also a few that take any opportunity to be snarky, rude or downright hateful. To all of you that commented here and gave me such wonderful and thoughtful help, I really am grateful. To the ones that sent me pm's and seemed to enjoy calling me an ungrateful bitch, get over it. You don't know me or my situation yet you judge me.

Thanks again for all the wonderful suggestions and for the pm's that did so much to lift my spirits. :heart:
 
southern_gal said:
simplegirl;60694099 [/QUOTE said:
Oh! Stop!

Two things matter to females: Security and babies.

I made a few BIG mistakes in life: One was getting a graduate degree and investing 8 years plus 65K in an education to discover I hate people. A drunk calls me up one afternoon to announce he has a gun and plans to shoot himself. I said GOOD and hung up on him. He couldn't believe me! He told me later that I pissed him off so bad he wanted to kill me, and stopped wanting to die. Pissing people off is useful. But most people don't wanna put out, they wanna show you some leg and watch you get excited.

The 2nd big mistake I made was listening to me about what I wanted. An 18 year old does not want what a 5 year old wants. A 40 year old doesn't want what a teen wants. And an old geezer bastard doesn't want what a middle aged idgit wants.

Go have a baby and stop whining.
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JAMESBJOHNSON said:
southern_gal said:
Oh! Stop!

Two things matter to females: Security and babies.

I made a few BIG mistakes in life: One was getting a graduate degree and investing 8 years plus 65K in an education to discover I hate people. A drunk calls me up one afternoon to announce he has a gun and plans to shoot himself. I said GOOD and hung up on him. He couldn't believe me! He told me later that I pissed him off so bad he wanted to kill me, and stopped wanting to die. Pissing people off is useful. But most people don't wanna put out, they wanna show you some leg and watch you get excited.

The 2nd big mistake I made was listening to me about what I wanted. An 18 year old does not want what a 5 year old wants. A 40 year old doesn't want what a teen wants. And an old geezer bastard doesn't want what a middle aged idgit wants.

Go have a baby and stop whining.
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WalrusTaleLogo.jpg
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Your BIGGEST mistake in your life was thinking that you have only made a FEW big mistakes. And for your information I was not actually referring to you when I mentioned the hateful stuff I've received. Your comments are really harmless because I consider the source. Also I can't have babies now you hard headed inconsiderate old goat.

Just wondering.....have you made anyone smile today you grumpy ol' fart?
 
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southern_gal said:
Your BIGGEST mistake in your life was thinking that you have only made a FEW big mistakes. And for your information I was not actually referring to you when I mentioned the hateful stuff I've received. Your comments are really harmless because I consider the source. Also I can't have babies now you hard headed inconsiderate old goat.

Just wondering.....have you made anyone smile today you grumpy ol' fart?
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Most LIT readers would gotta be drunk or high to laugh or smile. Some places let them buy dope with their SNAP and AFDC cards, so theres hope.
 
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