Humor Thread

More Golf

Toward the end of the golf course, Steve somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF!!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF...she was gone.

After Steve got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Bob. "Bob, where are you?"

Bob yells back "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Steve yells back, "DON'T SWING, BOB!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team
rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides
on the top level..

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having
a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't
hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides
to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats
in front of them with white knuckles..

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin'
a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the
second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got
a driver!"

Dogs are our best friends!!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??

What a concept!

On my way to lunch I saw a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk outside the restaurant holding a sign that said 'Vote Obama. I need the money'. I chuckled.

When my server arrived, I saw he wore a tie with 'Obama 08' printed on it. Right then I decided to conduct an experiment. When I finished my meal and he brought me the check, I told him I had planned to tip him six dollars, but I had decided to implement the Obama Redistribution of Wealth concept and determined the homeless man outside needed the money more than he did. The waiter stormed off muttering.

I went outside, gave the homeless man the six dollars and told him the server in the restaurant wanted him to have it. He was very pleased.

At the end of my experiment, I saw that the homeless man was greatful for receiving money he didn't earn and the waiter was angry that I had taken money that he did earn and given it to the homeless man, even though the homeless man deserved it more.

I suppose wealth redistribution is easier to be in favor of in concept than in practical application.

Redistribution of wealth, a great idea or a fools game. You decide.

A Girl's first time.


As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Old John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets', and ten
roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any
rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone,
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were
busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the
No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a
politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could
figure out how to win
two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.

TE999 said:

On my way to lunch I saw a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk outside the restaurant holding a sign that said 'Vote Obama. I need the money'. I chuckled.

When my server arrived, I saw he wore a tie with 'Obama 08' printed on it. Right then I decided to conduct an experiment. When I finished my meal and he brought me the check, I told him I had planned to tip him six dollars, but I had decided to implement the Obama Redistribution of Wealth concept and determined the homeless man outside needed the money more than he did. The waiter stormed off muttering.

I went outside, gave the homeless man the six dollars and told him the server in the restaurant wanted him to have it. He was very pleased.

At the end of my experiment, I saw that the homeless man was greatful for receiving money he didn't earn and the waiter was angry that I had taken money that he did earn and given it to the homeless man, even though the homeless man deserved it more.

I suppose wealth redistribution is easier to be in favor of in concept than in practical application.

Redistribution of wealth, a great idea or a fools game. You decide.

Click to expand...

Good one show how the truth hurts.

A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed...

His partner says, "What's taking so long?"

The first guy says, "My wife is on the clubhouse porch,
so I want to make a perfect shot."

His partner says, "Forget it...you'll never hit her
from here."

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush T-shirt,' was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Dear contributers to this thread:
Thanks for all the laughs it provides!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich a s you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

An Old One

A guy walks into the Dr.'s office. "I've been stuttering ffor yyears and III'm tttired of it. Cccan yyou hehehehelp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well, I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

Doc says, "Well, it's your penis. It's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guys says, "Wwwhat ccan we ddo?"

Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

Guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and 3 weeks later, he comes back into the Dr.'s office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore but I've only had sex once in the past 3 weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter.... just put my long one back on!"

Doc says, "Nnnnnope. A dddeal's a ddddeal!!!"

Two Syllable Words

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word, pick me....."

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

Who Said That?

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"