COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Question about Marriage

You started a great thread!! And you are very wise at a young age!! Communication, or more correctly, the lack of communication, is the biggest problem in most marriages. I applaud you and your SO for communicating so well with each other.

Communicating my sexual desires to my wife has never been an issue for me, but over the 22 years that we have been together, her willingness to experiment or even talk about sex has come to a stop. There are many factors that have brought this about, but I believe the biggest is that she has decided what she wants; what she is comfortable with and that's the way she is. I've made it clear that I want more, but I will not have sex/physical intimacy with another woman. I will not do what her first husband, my Dad, and her Dad did. My solution is porn, Lit, tumblr...whatever it takes to keep my cravings in check.

I haven't FUCKED a woman in over twenty-two years. My wife doesn't like rough, it has to be slow gentle love making or she won't enjoy it, so I make love to my wife about four times a month, on average, but in my mind I FUCK a different woman daily, sometimes multiple women daily.

Marriages that last are built on compromise and communication.

For young guys like alpharyan, a pack is comprised of two Alpha's, one male and one female and they mate for life.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I guess this is more what I was trying to get at. If your marriage or relationship is sexless I do not care at all. I understand that wants and needs and passion levels can change.

What I don't get is the lying and not being honest about your fantasies. It is ok to not have sex or not want it or whatever. But not being able to talk about it with this person that you have such a deep and emotional connection to I don't get.

I think back on history about two presidents, Nixon and Clinton. Nixon got in trouble not for Watergate but for trying to cover it up. Clinton got impeached not for getting a blowjob from Monica but for lying about it.

Many years ago at the ripe age of 16 I was vegetarian. I started dating a guy that said he was vegan. Well, one day I'm out with friends and see him eating a hamburger. Was I mad he ate the burger? No. I was pissed off that he lied to me. Another example was just last year. I was dating a guy and hanging out at his place. The night before he was out with his buddies playing D&D (or so he told me). I was sitting there and he gets a text message from a girl saying she had a great time the prior night. Again, I didn't mind that he went out with her, but that he lied to me and tried to hide it.

Think of how your spouse would feel finding your posts about wanting to fucked with a dildo up the ass (if your a guy) or the chat you had the prior night about wanting to have lesbian fetish sex. Obviously just random examples I picked but I guess I'm just thinking it is better to be honest and put it out there.

Hell, even if it's just saying it was a weird dream you had and wanted to talk about it. At least then they know.

Again, I know I'm in no position to tell others what to do or judge marriage or relationships and I don't want to do that.

I do not even know now what the point of starting this thread was other than to vent my frustration at hearing from so many men that are afraid to tell their s/o stuff. I'm sorry that I opened my mouth about it and hit a nerve. I guess I deserve all the lectures and messages I got telling me how crazy, wrong or silly I am.

I will continue to be silly, young, immature and selfish. I will also continue to be honest and open about what turns me on, what sex I like that is not "normal" and hope my partners do the same.

Going away now and will not post my rants about such stuff any longer. Back to just talking about sex and looking at naked people.
Click to expand...

It certainly wasn't my intention to call you silly or make it so that you didn't want to ask questions, enquire or just vent your frustrations. I happen to think that this is a great thread that you started and genuinely interesting and certainly helpful to me in some ways too. I think you should continue to enquire, vent etc as you see fit.

I guess that when it comes to not having that honest conversation with your SO, it doesn't make huge sense to me either as I have spoken with mine. I wonder if people with kinks or fetishes may feel a bit weird/strange/perverted and just don't have the confidence in themselves to share something that they feel might cause ridicule or rejection from someone they love.
 
SweetSam42 said:
I will say one thing to you that I wish I had understood in my 20s: Think about what you want in a long-term partner very carefully - think about everything that is important to you in your life, and whether a potential partner gives you what you need. You don't want to wake up in 15 years with a couple of kids and a mortgage and wonder what the fuck you were thinking, and why you ignored something that should have been front and center.
Click to expand...

BradBigBrain said:
If I had one piece of advice for someone...find someone who you are sexually compatible with. It may be only Brad's theory of happy marriage, but I think sex is a cure for many marriage ills. If that's a constant in your lives, then you can overcome a lot of things. I think if you're not, then there's a low level of frustration that seeps in and that affects every part of your life.
Click to expand...

This is really what I wish I had listened to and understood before I got married. Sex is very important to me, and when I came to settling down and starting a family I ignored that.
Perhaps that's part of a good girl/ bad girl thing - but when my husband told me at one point that he couldn't see me as anything but a mother I was devastated. I needed to be a woman too - to be myself as a sexual being - and for that to be okay.

Lack of sex in a marriage makes everything worse. If things are okay otherwise I can feel like I can cope - but when there are troubles otherwise I always feel "what the hell am I getting out of this? Why the hell am I staying?"
 
NeglectedWife said:
This is really what I wish I had listened to and understood before I got married. Sex is very important to me, and when I came to settling down and starting a family I ignored that.
Perhaps that's part of a good girl/ bad girl thing - but when my husband told me at one point that he couldn't see me as anything but a mother I was devastated. I needed to be a woman too - to be myself as a sexual being - and for that to be okay.

Lack of sex in a marriage makes everything worse. If things are okay otherwise I can feel like I can cope - but when there are troubles otherwise I always feel "what the hell am I getting out of this? Why the hell am I staying?"
Click to expand...

Ditto. Apart from the mother bit of course. All the other shit seems to be magnified with the constant pain of rejection.
 
rhod101 said:
Ditto. Apart from the mother bit of course. All the other shit seems to be magnified with the constant pain of rejection.
Click to expand...

How to put this eloquently. Feeling rejected really sucks!!

I was able to get past the feelings of rejection when I realized it wasn't about me. No matter who she is with, this is "her" sexually. There is no other person that she will be more open with ,sexually, than she has been with me, before me, or even without me. Which, as a guy, really strokes the ego.

For Neglectedwife I would strongly suggest counseling. Especially if his attitude changed after marriage and children. He may have two completely different ideas of the types of women there are in the world. I know some men have a very difficult time seeing the mother of their children in a sexual way.
 
KrazyWhiteBoy said:
How to put this eloquently. Feeling rejected really sucks!!

I was able to get past the feelings of rejection when I realized it wasn't about me. No matter who she is with, this is "her" sexually. There is no other person that she will be more open with ,sexually, than she has been with me, before me, or even without me. Which, as a guy, really strokes the ego.

For Neglectedwife I would strongly suggest counseling. Especially if his attitude changed after marriage and children. He may have two completely different ideas of the types of women there are in the world. I know some men have a very difficult time seeing the mother of their children in a sexual way.
Click to expand...

Yes, it helped to realise that it wasn't me - that it was him.

Counseling is not really an option - he would never go. It took a long time for him to even admit there was any kind of issue.
There's also an issue of his culture and how things are dealt with (or not dealt with)

Yes... I think he's one of those guys. Things did improve slightly when our child got older (from zero to hardly ever) , though when he suggested that we have another child when we weren't even having sex my head just about exploded with frustration.
 
NeglectedWife said:
Yes, it helped to realise that it wasn't me - that it was him.

Counseling is not really an option - he would never go. It took a long time for him to even admit there was any kind of issue.
There's also an issue of his culture and how things are dealt with (or not dealt with)

Yes... I think he's one of those guys. Things did improve slightly when our child got older (from zero to hardly ever) , though when he suggested that we have another child when we weren't even having sex my head just about exploded with frustration.
Click to expand...

Yikes!! I'm so sorry you are having to live with that. What culture? Middle-eastern?
 
It's been an interesting read has this thread; and all sides are fielding valid arguments.

In my own case; my wife and I have been together for 16 years; we have children, mortgage and the usual trappings of life.

At the beginning of the relationship, and through the first 5 years, we were very sexually compatible; we were open with each other about our desires; fantasies, and things that we wanted to try.

Kids though bring a whole new raft of problems in a relationship. Sex turns from the wild, chandelier swinging to stolen moments, taken at the minimal possible volume.

Lack of nearby grandparents and other available babysitters added to the problems. You kinda tell yourselves that it's only temporary, and when the kids get older, things will improve again. What once happened multiple times daily becomes weekly, which turns into monthly, and before you realise it, months have gone past since last time.

As soon as we realised what was happening, we opened up discussions; tried to talk about it. Made suggestions to spice things up, etc, but whilst my libido is still close to where it was in my early 20s, hers has dropped off a cliff. I can freely express desires, kinks, and fantasies with her; and she'd say she was open to trying them, but nothing ever happened. It was a constant source of frustration, and impacted heavily on our day to day dealings with each other; I was carrying a whole load of resentment, which only made things worse. As the saying goes, sex isn't everything, unless there is none; then it's everything.

We sought medical advice, and it turned out that there was a reason for the lack of libido, and there's little we can do until she recovers.

Fast forward to now, and we probably have sex about 8 times per year.

I'm not happy with either the frequency nor the content, but I also know that it's currently out of her control. I'd be a special type of bastard to go searching elsewhere, so I deal with it; mainly with some internet porn. We don't talk anymore about fantasies, kinks and other stuff, because it's kinda like rubbing salt into an open wound for me. Most of the time she's not even aware that we're not having sex.

For me though, it's always there in the background.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

Marriage is so much more than sex. That's the simple answer.

That that you should always feel you can talk about your desires with your spouse.

But just like everything in marriage you also need to listen to your spouse and how they feel and find the middle ground.
 
BareBackRider2 said:
Marriage is so much more than sex. That's the simple answer.

That that you should always feel you can talk about your desires with your spouse.

But just like everything in marriage you also need to listen to your spouse and how they feel and find the middle ground.
Click to expand...

biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...
some times the things you are into cant be handled by the s/o crossdressing is the first thing that comes to mind as well as threesomes. If you are in love with someone deeply enough you put your wants and desires aside
 
KrazyWhiteBoy said:
... I haven't FUCKED a woman in over twenty-two years. My wife doesn't like rough, it has to be slow gentle love making or she won't enjoy it, so I make love to my wife about four times a month, on average, but in my mind I FUCK a different woman daily, sometimes multiple women daily. ...
Click to expand...

I so get what you're saying KWB, and I admire the way you handle that. I guess that a lot of married men are in a similar situation. I sure am mega grateful that my wife WANTS and NEEDS me to give her the whole FUCK thing as well as the making love to her.

And on reflection ... my guess is that plenty of women mature into wanting a far more adventurous sexual experience, and have husbands who have so settled into to the 'occasional make love' pattern of married life, that they fail to perceive that there is a new and different need beside them now?
 
SweetSam42 said:
biseattlegirl, I think this has become an interesting thread, and I enjoyed the banter between the "old" marrieds and the 24 year old. ;)

I too am saddened by the number of men (and women) I've found here who have such sexless marriages and/or unfullfilling sex lives. Marriage is complex - there are countless reasons why people stay in them, and just as many reasons for why they leave.

I'm 40, married 13 years, in marriage therapy for about 10 months, for a laundry list of reasons. I will say one thing to you that I wish I had understood in my 20s: Think about what you want in a long-term partner very carefully - think about everything that is important to you in your life, and whether a potential partner gives you what you need. You don't want to wake up in 15 years with a couple of kids and a mortgage and wonder what the fuck you were thinking, and why you ignored something that should have been front and center.
Click to expand...

very wise advice
 
I'm divorced from my first marriage and considering proposing to my girl fried. So, arrogant asshole I be, I have some advice.:

(1) take your time.. its not an endurance race to be married. Make sure you know the person you are in love with

(2) After you take the plunge work at it.. you will not find your spouse is always as good or bad as you would like...But try to work out the difficulties.. BORING ADVICE: see a counselor EQUALLY BORING BUT RELEVANT ADVICE: just talk to each other, don't keep secrets.Be as open as you can before marriage (don;t wait for the blowup that you may vaguely be aware of but put out of your mind)
 
Everything in adult life a tradeoff of one sort or another. To claim otherwise is childish.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

Some men are good at telling women what they want or need to hear to get what they want. One of my friens is an expert at it. He is now divorced. But he used to tell women shit to get him to fuck him. I know he was lying his wife did what ever he want and more.
I am not saying this is always the case, but when you are dealing with a married or attached man be careful.
 
Last edited:
jonpatato said:
Some men are good at telling women what they want or need to hear to get what they want. One of my friens is an expert at it. He is now divorced. But he used to tell women shit to get him to fuck him. I know he was lying his wife did what ever he want and more.
I am not saying this is always the case, but when you are dealing with a married or attached man be careful.
Click to expand...

I think the only way to date a married or attached person is if you know and are friends with their SO. Otherwise no deal. My b/f's wife is one of my best friends and I knew her for years before I started dating him.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

i think that a lot of guys are like me. They love and respect their wives very much. So much so that the wife's opinion of them is very important. Given that scenario it is very difficult to risk the wife's scorn or disapproval.

As for macho guys who 'take what they want' they obviously don't respect their wives or care about the feelings or opinions of others.

For me, I met my wife on line, and long before we hooked up and got to know each other in real life, we went through nearly all our kinks. It's easy to do when the people you're chatting with don't mean anything in real life. There is one I didn't mention. It took a long time before I did. She wasn't into it. I'm sure as hell not going to force my wife to do something she doesn't like.
 
The other thing is of course is that men lie about their current circumstances. They are not in sexless marriages, their wives do not ignore their needs. Such men are simply selfish, narcissistic, and just using lies to achieve their ends.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

When you get older, sex is not as important as having someone who will be there for you no matter what. That could be the bond, although I really want sex more than my spouse, she is always there for me.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

I had to weigh in on this. I really like all the conversation on this thread - it's arguably the most relevant topic on Lit. :)

In my case, there are a variety of reasons why I'm on Lit and not getting enough (sex or conversation) from my wife. The biggest is simply time: we have kids and both have fairly demanding professional jobs. So our time in bed (when we even make it to the same bed) is usually spent sleeping! It's rare to get a night or weekend when we can really spend some time pleasuring each other.

Also, we simply have different sex drives and fantasies. It's not really a question of hiding anything from each other. E.g., we were both bi before we met, she knows I still get turned on by the idea of sex with other men, she just doesn't want to spend our precious time together talking about something that doesn't really turn her on.

Some of my fantasies will probably go unfulfilled, forever, because she's not in to them. I'll also probably never be an astronaut or race a Formula One car. You just can't do everything. :)

So I'm happy in my marriage, but also very happy Lit exists!
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

My personal opinion is that most men are afraid to voice their deepest/naughtiest desires for fear of rejection. Way too many women try to hide their "Secret Slut side".

I sincerely believe that every couple should start their relationship with 1. A promise that what happens in private stays private! and 2. An admission that each is wholeheartedly willing to try everything your partner dreams of as long as they don't cross into your "No-Fly Zones" 3. A Clear set of "No-Fly Zones" voiced and understood.

I personally have 7 "No-Fly Zones". Pain, Humiliation, Potty Games, animals, tickling, ATM and the C-word. these are all deal breakers . I'm willing to try anything else we can dream up TWICE, before we decide if it's a keeper.
 
Its a lack of communication, men thinking that their fantasies might be off limit or embarrassing. In actual fact, a real loving relationship is accepting your partner's sexuality. If you feel like you're not having enough sex, both parties are entitled to say so and ask for it.

I think children, illnesses, etc. are a cause for lack of sex in relationships at times. Once life really kicks in, we can't all be doing it three times a day, every day. However, if you make an effort and talk about it, getting into the swing of things again should be easy. Unless she's given up, in which case, if that were all my relationship were based on, I'd leave. Although, no relationship is just about sex. I sure as hell wouldn't continue seeing a braindead fool who knew who to fuck me if I wanted a LTR. Sometimes, it's about companionship and friendship. If that isn't present, I don't know why they stay because it sure isn't healthy for children to be raised in unloving environments where hostility is in the air.

Anyway, I don't actually believe every man who says they're in a sexless marriage on Lit is. I think, for some, it's a way of explaining they're married and being honest about that but trying to excuse their dishonesty (and possible infidelity at a later date), as well as lower their guilt. People who have affairs and promise to leave their wives or husbands always use that as a reason, instead of talking to their partners about it. That's not to say that they're all lying because I don't believe they all are.
 
biseattlegirl said:
I don't even know where to post this and I'm sorry. I am just curious as to why so many men I talk to are in either sexless marriages or in a marriage that they have to hide who they are from their spouse and not tell her what they want sexually.

Why would you choose to stay with somebody that doesn't like to play or is not open to even discussing or hearing about your fantasies, kinks, etc.

I just could not do it and don't get how so many people can.
Click to expand...

My 2 cents is there is more to marriage and life than sex. Sex is a wonderful and amazing thing but the scope of reality and who a person is is so much bigger. Granted, a sexless marriage suggests major problems but the lack of sex is typically a symptom and not the root cause.

Off my soap box....that was just the short, simple version.:eek:
 
And this is how I feel about the whole subject of marriage in general...

B47El8pIEAAG1xc.jpg
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

P
Question for women with very large breasts
2 3
Replies
56
Views
3K
Hugejorgan99
H
S
Sharing Interest in Sissies
Replies
8
Views
241
Bob1942
B
S
Who was the person your wife/spouse told you not to “worry about”?
2 3
Replies
59
Views
3K
spooz3x6
S
R
Hots for trans chick at work
Replies
16
Views
975
LL_RS
LL_RS
SmokingFap
How Long Do You Wait Before You Reveal Your True Perverted Self?
3 4 5
Replies
109
Views
3K
smtst5
smtst5
Back
Top