How do I entice a married man?

Snakeeyes91 said:

Bit of a touchy moral subject for some, but I'm 21 and have become friends with a married guy in his 40s. His kids are grown up but his wife is lovely. He flirts with me a little but what are some subtle ways to show I'm interested too without making a fool of myself? Any constructive advice please? Xx

Click to expand...

Dont forget we are all want to know what happens, or what you decide

Rainshine said:

I know of an open marriage where confirmation (face-to-face or otherwise) would not be on the agenda or possible. One of the "rules" they have is that they do not know/know of the other person, and do not get confirmation/told when it is happening for either of them. It is one of the ways they feel they keep each other protected.

It is a misguided assumption that every open marriage (as with every marriage at all really) works by the same rules. You could ask the question, sure, but if the answer was no I would not immediately assume the reason is because it's not what he/she says it is.

Click to expand...

I guess it depends on if you're looking out for the wife or if you don't really care that much if you're basically helping him cheat or not.

If there's no face-to-face confirmation that it's okay, how do you REALLY know she's okay with it? A guy that's sick enough to cheat could possibly be sick enough to lie and pretend to be his wife through email/texts.

And him saying that it's okay just isn't enough. There are plenty of women out there that were lied to, and I'm not fucking ANYONE that's married unless I have very. clear. consent.

Healthy open marriages aren't marriages where the poor wife says, "Yes, fine, you can fuck other people. Just don't let me see you, see her or find out about anything."

That's not healthy, open consent. That's tolerating it for the sake of being married. Not a good model for a lasting relationship.

Snakeeyes91 said:

Bit of a touchy moral subject for some, but I'm 21 and have become friends with a married guy in his 40s. His kids are grown up but his wife is lovely. He flirts with me a little but what are some subtle ways to show I'm interested too without making a fool of myself? Any constructive advice please? Xx

Click to expand...

I've personally known a few girls from HS days (ya! a long time ago!) that were involved with married men, and that shit dragged on for years. They've even had the guys kids along the way. I guess what I saw in them wasn't exactly something I thought was all that great. They weren't doing well in "real" relationships, I think because of their married man getting in the way from time to time. It looked like a good way of putting your life on "hold" for a few years while you got older, wrinkled, and fat, and waited for that "special" man who wanted to raise the kids of the sperm donor; who never contributed anything because no one was supposed to know that you were fucking him.

But you asked for "constructive" advice, by which I think you mean "just say yes". OK, he's male, use the direct approach: "I rented a motel room, here's the spare key, and I bought some Magnums and some beer, why don't you come over for a bit after work, and after 3 minutes or so, you can leave and go back to your wife."

That would work for me.

He might need a "snugger fit" condom though, so be prepared with options.

satindesire said:

If there's no face-to-face confirmation that it's okay, how do you REALLY know she's okay with it? A guy that's sick enough to cheat could possibly be sick enough to lie and pretend to be his wife through email/texts.

And him saying that it's okay just isn't enough. There are plenty of women out there that were lied to, and I'm not fucking ANYONE that's married unless I have very. clear. consent.

Healthy open marriages aren't marriages where the poor wife says, "Yes, fine, you can fuck other people. Just don't let me see you, see her or find out about anything."

That's not healthy, open consent. That's tolerating it for the sake of being married. Not a good model for a lasting relationship.

Click to expand...

Oh My God! He is a cheater you say? A cheater!!! A dirty cheater? Why there is nothing in the world worse than a cheater who cheats!!!! This is sick and bad....naughty! Naughty! Naughty cheater!!!!! Why I would rather have my lungs ripped out than be cheated on!

Look. If you like the guy and want it to happen than let it happen. Does your gut tell you that he can keep a secret? Can you? Is this a work relationship where having a relationship can lead to your dismissal? What if your friends found out? Would you be ostracized? Do you practice safe sex and are you taking precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy? Go through that mental checklist you have in your mind and ask yourself if it is worth it. This forum can help you do a little soul searching and maybe help you to ask yourself a few more questions that you may have overlooked but only you can decide.

Sex like this can be fun and fulfilling. Yes I regret some sexual encounters I have had but there are many that I passed up, especially when I was young and way too idealistic like Satin Desire. I deeply regret passing these encounters up! Life is way too short.

Some really excellent points raised by you all! Not on a high horse here but my personal view is cheating is ethically wrong. It also creates lots of drama, even more when the couple has kids. Each open marriage is unique in its own way and some do keep the other relationships secret but asking the spouse for permission is the most ethical way to go. I agree he may be flirting for a threesome but no way to find out without taking risk and asking him. Be careful with that one. Look up alienation of affections. Ridiculous law is still legal in 8 states give or take right now. Lame!

...............................

amofiga said:

Yep....could happen.....so do earthquakes and hurricanes and lots of other things that occur fairly randomly. From my experiences in my 67 years on this earth, I'd say that in the majority of cases, when married men mess around with much younger single women, the motivation isn't often leaving the marriage at great financial and emotional expense to try to start a life (at reduced financial worth) with a woman who will be at her sexual peak and looking to mess around herself with younger men when the man is at an age when he's stocking up on Viagra and Cialis and falling asleep on the sofa watching Monday night football. Based on my limited personal statistics, I know personally for sure of 7 married men (including myself) who have had affairs with either single or married women. Of them, one divorced his wife and married the "mistress" primarily because he got caught and his wife threw him out. Call me stupid, but I'd say that a single woman betting that a married man 25 years her senior will leave his wife to marry her is about the same as betting on a trifecta of long shots.

Click to expand...

OMG this is so true. I can tell you personally that this is true. I have several data points here. I don't care who the woman is or was that I was having the affair with. It was for the excitement and newness of the relationship and to satisfy my belly appetite for sex and intimacy. There was no way in hell I was going to leave my wife, the mother of my children, and surrender half my pension, 401K, and pay all that child support etc. so I can set up house with another person. What is more likely to happen is the woman (who is risking almost no financial loss) will try to convince me to leave my wife. They have no financial incentive to do anything different.

The last 5+ years I have been frequenting escorts to fulfill my sexual needs. A few of the woman I have met in developing nations have tried to see me off the clock. They wanted to pursuit a relationship with me. It is just not going to happen! No way no how! So having a stalker should be the least of your worries. If it does turn inot a stalker just threaten to tell his wife.

I was with married men cos I didn't want the commitment. And it worked fine with them. One thing, though, I steered clear if I knew the wives, even if I just knew them from pictures. And never ever developed any feelings for the guys, because that would be a LOT of headaches.

Rainshine said:

Interesting that you automatically think "the poor wife" like she has no say in how her marriage works. However, putting that aside...I don't think that's your decision to make - what's healthy or unhealthy for someone elses relationship. It's not something I could really live with I don't believe, but I will say this... their marriage has been long lasting (21 years so far) and beautiful and a lot happier than most normal marriages. So they're doing something right.

Click to expand...

If he's cheating on her, then no, she doesn't have a say in how her marriage works. That's kind of how cheating works, taking away consent from another person and all...

"The poor wife" scenario is theoretical, so I don't know whose marriage you're talking about, since I wasn't talking about anyone in particular.

Rainshine said:

I was referring to the open marriage I was talking about and you quoted and responded to.

Click to expand...

It's hard to reason with indignant, blissful ignorance.

pmann said:

It's hard to reason with indignant, blissful ignorance.

Click to expand...

I don't know what problem you have with me, but you need to stuff it because you've been acting like a child. Get over yourself and me and we'll both be cool. If you can't do that, put me on ignore and stop talking about me.

Rainshine said:

I was referring to the open marriage I was talking about and you quoted and responded to.

Click to expand...

I wasn't speaking about that marriage. I was speaking about a theoretical marriage where the marriage isn't open, and there's no real consent, the wife is just putting up with his cheating, UNHAPPILY, for the sake of being married.

You

Snakeeyes91 said:

Bit of a touchy moral subject for some, but I'm 21 and have become friends with a married guy in his 40s. His kids are grown up but his wife is lovely. He flirts with me a little but what are some subtle ways to show I'm interested too without making a fool of myself? Any constructive advice please? Xx[/QUOT

Laying all the judgemental things aside, there are really easy ways to do it. I won't give my thoughts here, too many opinions, they may be right or wrong, don't care actually. You asked a question, we are on Lit, not on the Christian Mingles web site. I will give my advice, you take the ball from there. PM me if you want to talk.

Click to expand...

I think the real answer I would give is what do you get out of it? You are a young woman, 21, what do you get out of seducing the guy from your office? Is it the excitement of doing something illicit? Is it flattered that an older guy would take an interest in you? And whatever it is, is it worth the potential consequences> For example, whatever thrill you get out of it, you might get a massive attack of the guilts for being with a cheating husband, especially if said cheating led to the breakup of the marriage. I suspect you aren't thinking of him falling in love with you and leaving his wife (since you haven't even really gotten together) , so I suspect some of it is the 'thrill of the chase" aspects, as a variation from dating guys your own age, or conquering a challenge.

And there will be consequences, whether it is guilt even if his marriage takes it, or regrets if the marriage crumbles and you might find yourself afterwords saying "Why the fuck did I do that?". The question is whether the consequences do or don't override the thrill and whatever of doing it......keep in mind that 'strange fruit' like that can often be a lot less then you think, the older, savvy guy who is looking for a younger gal to show his 'great lovemaking" to, turns out to be an aging, ordinary Joe who is not really much better then slam, bam, thank ya ma'am kind of thing....

I am not going to judge it, because I understand there are factors I don't know about. I know of men (and women) who are in sexless marriages where they have lovers on the side, and knowing the circumstances, I can't find it in my heart to judge them, because it isn't simple and straightforward, and it is also true that these people might have an otherwise great marriage other then sex and this is how they keep it going.....I personally think if you can avoid it, do it, and I would tell the guy that he would be better off working with his wife to make the fires burn brighter at home and that the 21 year old he was looking at was a fantasy of youth, not reality......but if you are gonna do it, think about it, think about the consequences and make your decision based on that.

One other thing, it can be hard to separate out flirting from real desire, flirting can be a lot of harmless fun, it is common, and especially if you are young it may be hard to separate out the two.

DRS_EROS said:

Laying all the judgemental things aside, there are really easy ways to do it. I won't give my thoughts here, too many opinions, they may be right or wrong, don't care actually. You asked a question, we are on Lit, not on the Christian Mingles web site. I will give my advice, you take the ball from there. PM me if you want to talk.

Click to expand...

Why would you assume that anyone who thinks that what the OP wants to do is wrong is a Christian/religious?

Eilan said:

Why would you assume that anyone who thinks that what the OP wants to do is a Christian/religious?

Click to expand...

I don't think Eros was assuming anything. Way I read his post was he thinks it is fine for a woman to be with a married man, but wants to talk to her about it in private so people who wish Lit was like a Christian site don't bash them.

OK, let's say you seduce this guy. You two begin a passionate affair or relationship or whatever you want to call it. Then what?

You will already know this guy is comfortable with cheating. So if something more serious comes of it, what will that mean for you? Won't you always question whether he will do it again, this time to you? Will you be surprised when five years down the line, you find out he is sleeping with another 21-year-old?

If it isn't a matter that concerns you because you know there is no future, then I would ask: why do it then? You can find a single guy, I am sure. One who you won't be potentially entering into a life-fucking scenario, and without a woman and family there to get hurt.

Honestly, I don't know how you could come out of this in a positive way, whatever the outcome.

farfromtree said:

I don't think Eros was assuming anything. Way I read his post was he thinks it is fine for a woman to be with a married man, but wants to talk to her about it in private so people who wish Lit was like a Christian site don't bash them.

Click to expand...

If people bash the OP, it's probably not because they "wish Lit was like a Christian site."

Oh, and EROS probably wants to "help" the OP in private because she's a n00b, she's young, and she plays a woman on teh Interwebs.

Snakeeyes91 said:

We talk almost every day, it's mostly casual flirting but I can feel the electricity that I've not felt for a while, I don't want to set out to hurt anyone. It's a bit of a dreamers idea to think he'd leave her and cheating isn't my thing, that's why I really want to make sure it's mutual fiest

Click to expand...

If cheating really isn't your thing as you claim, then why are you even asking this, since already know he is married.

It's an even worse idea if he is a co-worker or someone you see all the time. If you are to be 'the other woman' it's best to find someone where there wouldn't be too much fallout if things wind up going badly.

As for him leaving her for you, as others have said, it rarely happens and if he'll cheat with you, odds are good he will cheat ON you as well.
If you are only 21, why saddle yourself with baggage like that?

Eilan said:

If people bash the OP, it's probably not because they "wish Lit was like a Christian site."

Oh, and EROS probably wants to "help" the OP in private because she's a n00b, she's young, and she plays a woman on teh Interwebs.

Click to expand...

Like a Christian site because fooling around with a married man would presumably be taboo there for just about everybody. There are people here just like in the real world who try to force their ethics on everyone else.

I don't know anything Eros's brand of "help" or if the two of you are feuding or what, but I stand by what I said that the way I read Eros's post was he didn't want to get flamed by people on their high horses.

farfromtree said:

Like a Christian site because fooling around with a married man would presumably be taboo there for just about everybody. There are people here just like in the real world who try to force their ethics on everyone else.

I don't know anything Eros's brand of "help" or if the two of you are feuding or what, but I stand by what I said that the way I read Eros's post was he didn't want to get flamed by people on their high horses.

Click to expand...

I Agree Farfromtree. Too many people on the “How Too” forum are way too high and mighty. Go ahead and seduce the middle aged guy. It might be fun and exciting and it will piss off the coffee klatsch that hangs out on the “How Too” forum. This is the Literotica Discussion Board. You know what is at stake. Is it worth the potential thrill and great sex? If it is, do it and write a story about it.

I was seduced by my 19 year old secretary when I was 36. She left notes on the windshield of my car, sent me e-mails of cartoons of the Flintstones and the Jetsons fucking. It turned into a torrid affair. We had sex about 20 times over the next two years. She got married and we remained friends for a long time after that. I could have lost my job but we did not get caught. It was some of the best sex with one of the hottest ladies I have ever been with. If I had the chance to do it again next week I probably would not. I would be risking too much at this time in my career.

Somehowyou said:

I Agree Farfromtree. Too many people on the “How Too” forum are way too high and mighty. Go ahead and seduce the middle aged guy. It might be fun and exciting and it will piss off the coffee klatsch that hangs out on the “How Too” forum. This is the Literotica Discussion Board. You know what is at stake. Is it worth the potential thrill and great sex? If it is, do it and write a story about it.

I was seduced by my 19 year old secretary when I was 36. She left notes on the windshield of my car, sent me e-mails of cartoons of the Flintstones and the Jetsons fucking. It turned into a torrid affair. We had sex about 20 times over the next two years. She got married and we remained friends for a long time after that. I could have lost my job but we did not get caught. It was some of the best sex with one of the hottest ladies I have ever been with. If I had the chance to do it again next week I probably would not. I would be risking too much at this time in my career.

Click to expand...

To clarify I am not in favor of the OP and her married man friend hooking up, unless he has an open marriage and his wife confirms it. But flaming people just for having an opinion or leading their live in a different way than I prefer for myself serves no useful purpose.

Yeees, because EVERYONE knows that one can't have morals unless one is a Christian.

Pulllleeeeze.

satindesire said:

I don't know what problem you have with me, but you need to stuff it because you've been acting like a child. Get over yourself and me and we'll both be cool. If you can't do that, put me on ignore and stop talking about me.

Click to expand...

The problem I have with you is the same one that I imagine everyone else has. Your responses are indignant, arrogant, condescending heaps of shit. You respond to people by quoting them. When your response is clearly off from what they say, because either you didn't understand the original post or didn't care to read it all, you just say something along the lines of, "Oh I wasn't talking about that." Exhibit A:

""The poor wife" scenario is theoretical, so I don't know whose
marriage you're talking about, since I wasn't talking about anyone in particular."

^^^^
You fucking quoted the entire post about the wife!!!

You consider your definition of what is a healthy marriage as absolute gospel. Exhibit B:

"Healthy open marriages aren't marriages where the poor wife says, "Yes, fine, you can fuck other people. Just don't let me see you, see her or find out about anything." That's not healthy, open consent. That's tolerating it for the sake of being married. Not a good model for a lasting relationship."

^^^^
Assuming that you have a fucking clue about how everyone's marriage works or that you have the market cornered on healthy relationships is precisely why you make my balls shrivel to the size of a chia seed. I'm sure you're saddened by that.

The reason I don't put you on block is because reading your musings is like watching a train wreck of smug, condescension that would make a George Clooney acceptance speech look like the Lord's Prayer. Watching someone orgasm over their own petulant advice is a sight to see. But sometimes, it just gets to be too much and I have to respond.

It's funny that you say I have been acting like a child. You don't think twice about whipping out that forked tongue on people that disagree with your stances. Yet if someone else does it, it's childish and you turn up that heavily powdered nose of yours and "take the high road". Ironically, it seems that this post will fall below a post of yours where you say "Pulllleeeeze", followed with an eye roll.

And of course I act like a child. Look at my fucking avatar. It looks like It was drawn by a six year old. Ya big poo poo head.

I don't think it is being high and mighty to tell someone what you see as the consequences of what they are intending to do or even giving an opinion about the ethics of it. For example, I suspect a relationship therapist would wonder about the dynamics of a marriage that is based on 'don't look, don't ask, don't tell', where the spouse does't want to know, because deep down she/he would prob know the spouse is having sex outside the marriage and doing what they are creates buried resentment in the spouse who is looking the other way. Obviously, it doesn't mean that some relationships don't work fine like that, relationships have all kinds of parameters, couples where one of the spouses is gay, for example, so it can work.

What would worry me as the 'other person' would be if the husband was in fact telling the truth, that he had tacit approval to go outside, because if he didn't when it was discovered (as it often is), there would be hell to pay.

As to whether you have to be Christian to have ethics and morality, no, of course not, but I think the poster who said that in frustration referred to the fact that many Christians seem to think they have the right to impose their beliefs on others, and given the often anti sex attitudes of many Christians, especially the evangelicals and true believer Catholics, not surprising.

pmann said:

And of course I act like a child. Look at my fucking avatar. It looks like It was drawn by a six year old. Ya big poo poo head.

Click to expand...

You really have some big brass vagina to talk about me being condescending and arrogant. Pot. Kettle. Black. Do us both a favor and stop projecting. It's not my fault if you can't understand me, it takes a mentality of more than a six year old to get it when adults talk.

There are more important things to worry about on this planet than you. So enjoy the iggy list, you earned it.

njlauren said:

As to whether you have to be Christian to have ethics and morality, no, of course not, but I think the poster who said that in frustration referred to the fact that many Christians seem to think they have the right to impose their beliefs on others, and given the often anti sex attitudes of many Christians, especially the evangelicals and true believer Catholics, not surprising.

Click to expand...

No, the other person is a cockroach who enjoys sleeping around on his wife. He can't stand the idea that he's hurting her and still sleep at night, so he comforts himself by accusing anyone who says cheating is wrong of being an evangelical, fundamentalist.

He can't look at himself in the mirror without hiding behind it. This has nothing to do with what he believes Christians do and everything with trying to bury his own guilt and shame.