Humor Thread

Just received this from an on-line friend and a great writer. Don't know if he wrote this or not. One of my very close friends across the ocean.

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!

This had me in hysterics:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C48xt0mPyPE&feature=player_embedded#!

Handley_Page said:

This had me in hysterics:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C48xt0mPyPE&feature=player_embedded#!

Click to expand...

I couldn't get it HP, Here's what it said:

Create AccountSign In
This video contains content from INgrooves, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds.

Truths for the Modern age

1. I think part of a best friends job should be to clear your computer history after you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment in an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was a kid.

4. There is a great need for a 'sarcasm' font.

5. How in the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was there any real reason to learn cursive writing in school?

7. MapQuest really needs to start directions at #5, I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make for good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes that moment at work when you know you're not going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. I'm always slightly paniced when I exit MSWord and it asks me if I want to keep the changes to a thirty page report I swear I didn't make any changes to.

12. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans never get dirty. You can wear them forever.

13. Manufacturers need to put a light in a refrigerator's freezer.

14. I love the sense of unity when a line of cars tighten up to keep some jerk from changing lanes in traffic.

15. Sometimes I'll look at my watch several times and still not remember what time it is.

16. I always have trouble discerning the line between boredom and hunger.

17. When is it appropriate to say 'what' in a conversation instead of nodding and smiling because you weren't really paying attention to what was being said?

18. I wish Google Maps had a 'Avoid dangerous part of town' routing option.

19. I keep some peoples phone numbers in my address book so I know not to answer when they call.

20. The first testicular guard (the Cup) was used in a hockey game in 1874, the first helmet in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize their brain was also important.

(You women can stop laughing any time now)

Time for Headlines!

Not every editor is paying attention.

The mind is like a parachute... It works best when opened.
Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain.
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Click to expand...

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ​

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Click to expand...

Great stuff peoples!!! Please keep it coming. I like to smile.
Thanks
DG

I don't know if the USA has "cheap flights" airlines, but we do in the UK (RyanAir being one well-quoted example).

This is the result:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc&feature=player_embedded#!

Handley_Page said:

I don't know if the USA has "cheap flights" airlines, but we do in the UK (RyanAir being one well-quoted example).

This is the result:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc&feature=player_embedded#!

Click to expand...

I think the number for Literotica is this one.

This is great!

JackLuis said:

I think the number for Literotica is this one.

This is great!

Click to expand...

Isn't it just, though ?

A married man went into the confessional and said to the priest "Bless me father for I have sinned. I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we undressed, got into bed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing is the same as putting it in, my son. Your penance is to say five 'Our Father's', five 'Hail Mary's' and put $50.00 in the Poor Box."

The man leaves the confessional, kneels and says his prayers, then walks over to the Poor Box, takes out his wallet, stands for a minute and starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, ran over to him and said "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Poor Box."

"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50.00 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about People having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between Them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking though, there is NO difference in the outcome...
both can result in death.

Universal truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice-mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a road-hog from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers? Trousers never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(A personal favourite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

This letter was sent to the Knysna School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today:

=====
Dear Knysna School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Golden Years Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away, and I am all alone, and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.

My room mate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

A devoutly religious young woman goes to confession and says to the priest "Bless me father for I have sinned."

"Confess your sins my child and be forgiven."

"My boyfriend and I made mad passionate love seven times last night."

"Say ten 'Hail Mary's' and ten 'Our Fathers' at the altar, then go home, squeeze ten lemons in a glass and drink the juice."

"Will this cleanse of my sins, Father?"

"No, but it will wipe that silly grin off your face."

Old Joke

A bloke is driving his Bentley through the English countryside and comes across a pub with three Bentleys parked outside.

He goes in and says to the lovely young barmaid, "Those are beautiful cars. Who owns them?"

"I do. I won them in bets!"

"What sort of bets?"

"I'll ask you to do three things that my six-year-old brother can do. If you can do them all in less than a minute, I'll give you one of the Bentleys. If you can't, I take yours."

"Okay. You're on. What's the first task?"

"Take off my bra and play with my tits."

He does so. Then he says, "What's the second task?"

"Pull down my panties and play with my snatch."

He does so. Then he says, "What's the third task?"

"Take out your willy and bend it double."

Had this before I'm pretty sure but it's funny.

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded
on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman
and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Handley_Page said:

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(A personal favourite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Click to expand...

I loved this one, HP. I miss my job selling tools at Sears. What fun that was!

A new Publix Supermarket opened in Canton, Ga.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

YoursSINSerely said:

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

Click to expand...

Welcome Sin!!! Always good to hear from you.
DG

Airport Security.


The modern Airport is discretely bristling with all manner of alarms, the excursions of which can be frightening or embarrassing depending upon who you are. Sadly, in order to get from here to a long way away, you often have to go to an Airport. So imagine the scene. Mac and his girlfriend of three years are off to the Caribbean for a really deluxe holiday.

Mac took his iPhone and all it’s bits and pieces; which show up on the X-ray. His girlfriend, Mary, had no problems and was awaiting him.
“’Scuse me, Sir,” said the Security man, “May I see inside your bag?”
“Of course”, said Mac, and opened it up.

The security man has a scrabble about and finds a box. “Would you open this please?” he said.
“Of course”, said Mac, and opened it up, revealing the Apple charger and cables.

The security man has a further scrabble about and finds another, much smaller, box. “Would you open this please?” he said.

“Oh I’d rather not, if you don’t mind” said Mac, shaking his head and trying not to point at Mary.
“I’m sorry Sir, but I must insist. Please open the box”. He was most insistent.

“Ah, Erm, I’d really rather not”, said Mac, still trying the mime actions.

By this time half the airport is shut all guards are alerted and two beefy guys with weapons at the ready are in very close proximity. Everyone else in the area has suddenly discovered a need to go to the toilet or developed a thirst and the security man said “Now then, Sir, will you please open the box?”

Mac took the box opened it up, held it up as he fell to one knee, looked at Mary and said “Mary, you’ve given me the happiest three years of my life. Will you marry me?”

The security man had the decency to blush.

Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the verandah. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toile ts that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Get a doctor to give you a certificate of illness with the inevitable result.

meathead96
As Larry the Cable Guy would say. "NOW THAT WAS FUNNY"