Humor Thread

DG Hear said:

APPLES and WINE


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the very top. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is smart and brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


As for men...men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Click to expand...

One cold doctor

A man went to the doctor following a day filled with tests and the news was not good.

"I'm sorry," the doctor said. "There's no other way to really say this, but you're not going to make it. I give you six months, tops."

"That's kind of cold Doc," the man replied. "I mean, there's gotta be something I can do, something to give me a chance."

"Well, the only thing I would recommend at this point would be mud baths," the doctor said. "Maybe three or four a day."

"That's great Doc!" the man exclaimed. "But what how are mud baths going to help me?"

"Oh, they won't help you," the doctor said. "But it'll at least get you used to being in the dirt."

Credit to Willie Nelson, told on Conan O'Brien 9/18/08

Which came first?

A chicken and an egg were in bed together.

The chicken was leaning back on the headboard with a silly smirk on its face.

The egg rolled over and wrapped itself in the duvet, saying in a peevish voice, "Well that answers that question, doesn't it?"

Gay Flight attendent

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch "

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"Arr what do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate, "Arrr well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." Bartender says, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate says, "Arr I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship me hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender says, "What about that eye patch?" Pirate says, "Arrr ah, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in me eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird shit."?
Pirate says, 'Arrr well no, it was my first day with the hook.

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Budweiser and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF BUDWEISER AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

epiphany65 said:

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a dozen Budweiser and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF BUDWEISER AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!"

Click to expand...

LOVED IT! HAHA
DG

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound – and it was fantastic the night before – so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders abeer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

“So am I,” she says, “What suburb in Melbourne.”

“Glen Iris,” he says.

“That’s amazing,” she says, “so am I – what street?”

“Cameo street,” he says.

“This is unbelievable,” she says, “what number?”

He says “Number 20,” and she is astonished.

“You are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22 and parents still live there!”

“I know,” he says “Your father gave me $1,000 to give you!”

He who drinks Australian – thinks Australian!

A newlywed couple who held out from sexual relations before the wedding began to do the deed for the first time.
The husband got on top and blew his load before he could even penetrate. He rolled off his wife and said, "Go make me something to eat to get my strength back for another go round."
The wife got out of the bed and went into the kitchen. She came back with two carrots and a head of lettuce on a plate. She sat it down on his lap and got back into bed.
"What in the hell is this?" asked the groom. "I said bring me something to eat and you bring me vegetables?"
The bride looked at him and replied, "I figured if you're gonna fuck like a rabbit, you might as well eat like one."

Those awful four letter words!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...".

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me. Please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Why Men Lie!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three Axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes the first time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is always for an honorable and useful reason . . .

Female Pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something, which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying "this is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist looked at his erection and said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses...

Kiss me quick

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

“Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” The guide said. “unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted, “we have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”

“Well,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone.” The woman scoffed.

‘No ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”

5o ways to leave your Lover

Paul Simon sayes he knows 50 ways to leave his lover, but only lists five
Slip out the back Jack
Make a new plan Stan
No need to be coy Roy
Hop on the bus Gus
Just drop off the key Lee

Can you think of any more?
Here's a few!!!

Drop dead, Fred.
Jus' go Flo
Don' tarry Mary
Don't tarry hairy fairy Harry

Up the flue Sue
Out in the rain Jane
Whoring's boring Maureen
Back of the queue, Hugh

Get on your bike, Mike
Be on your way, Ray
Get a new job, Bob
You're not the man, Dan

Duh!!!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Three Kinds

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."


A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are
there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

Rye Bread



Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said 'Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, 'Do you have any Jewish rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard'.

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'

The Romance....



After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started a t her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded:

'I found the remote.'

Mole Family



A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed u nder her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Redneck Newest Pickup Lines


1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench ,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

> A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
>
> Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her
>
> husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband,
>
> protested, but she argued and s aid she was going to take
>
> some aspirin and go to bed and there
>
> was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

>
> So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
>
> soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
>
> early,
>
> decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her
>
> costume was,
>
> she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
>
> he acted when she was not with him.

>
> So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
>
> costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
>
> 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
> there.

> His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
>
> left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

>
> She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
>
> husband.

>
> After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
>
> her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
>
> passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at
>
> midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
>
> was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
>
> he had.

>
> 'Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're
>
> not there.
' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
>
> He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I
>
> got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
>
> the spare room and played poker all evening.
'
>
> 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
>
> poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the
>
> husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he
>
> had the time of his life.

Best of Late Night

Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon.

- Jay Leno



John McCain’s wife is angry. Cindy lashed out at the ladies of “The View” after the McCains appeared on the show. In response, Barbara Walters said, “She’s just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.”

- Conan O'Brien



He and Obama are tied. The polls are saying today that they each have 56 percent. Is it me? I think people are thinking it’s like “American Idol” — you can vote as many times as you like.

- Craig Ferguson



As happens in times of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor Flav’s mouth doubled.

- Jimmy Kimmel



In her blog, Lindsay Lohan is speaking out against Sarah Palin, though most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson.

- Jay Leno



Speaking of BlackBerrys — according to a new poll, the BlackBerry is so addictive that 87 percent of users bring their BlackBerrys to their bedrooms. And you know what they say ladies, once you go BlackBerry . . ."

- Conan O'Brien



The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial.

- Jimmy Kimmel



Barack Obama’s campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. After hearing this, John McCain said, "And he says I’m out of touch with the American people."

-Conan O'Brien



August was a big fundraising month for the candidates: Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August — $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice.

- Jay Leno



The other day John McCain appeared on the show "The View," and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. She may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, "Ladies, you look beautiful.”

- Conan O'Brien



This week, Karl Rove said that John McCain’s attack ads on Barack Obama have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you’ve gone too far . . . that’s like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink. It’s like Keith Richards telling Amy Winehouse to ease up on the drugs . . .

- Craig Ferguson

Had some of these before but they are still funny!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do....

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around, walked back out, and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts" My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not stop behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter

5) A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

6) Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his ass cheeks, and yelled. "SEE MOM, ITS JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!

7) This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!