Humor Thread

Lost

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Last Present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES
UP?"

Fishing...click here

Jeff Stilson: Converting Gay Women

Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though. I got that going for me.

Jake Johannsen: Cult Leader

I never wanted my own cult until I found out about all the perks. Evidently, if you're the cult leader, you can have sex with any of the cult members while the other members have to mow the lawn and wash the dog.

A woman wearing a strapless gown and ...

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.
After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?"

"No, I was admiring the landing field."

When you're from the country your perception is a little different.

A Saskatchewan farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

OBSERVATION ON GROWING OLD.....................
LOVE this!!! Have a great Laugh!!!

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forgot
they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,

"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem ...
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Hats off to the Icelandic people.

First they declared themselves bankrupt...

Then they set their island on fire....

Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

I sat and watched intently as the beautiful young blonde in the white wrap around delicately slipped her fingers into my wife's pussy.
As I became turned on I, quite naturally, started to rub my c0ck......




Damned midwives; they have no sense of humour !

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a young man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, " Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The young man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 79 and 80 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an NCO," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the young man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The NCO below replied, "You must be an Officer."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Lancaster, Pa

I was in Lancaster, Pa over the past week end. I ran into a Cougar and asked her what kept her happy. She replied " Two Mennonite"

Teachers

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others
.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


Cops

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't kno w how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

'Fair? You want me to be fair?​

Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'

You got that from JBJ didn't you?

Handley_Page said:

I sat and watched intently as the beautiful young blonde in the white wrap around delicately slipped her fingers into my wife's pussy.
As I became turned on I, quite naturally, started to rub my c0ck......




Damned midwives; they have no sense of humour !

Click to expand...

Now that's just funny, I don't care who you are!

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was HE?'"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Thanks to all who have posted to the thread lately. Some really good stuff. Really liked I am my own Grandpa. Heard it a few times throughout the years and it always makes me laugh. Hope you all keep posting. I've been telling people the joke about how much it is to rent out Howard for stud services.

Thanks again all for helping keep us on Page 1, much appreciated.
DG Hear

Dog Welfare

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.

Man's Journey

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Is Sex Work?

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

DG Hear said:

Dog Welfare

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.

Click to expand...

LOL I taking my three down in the morning and signing the up.

25 thoughts on Sex:

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.