Editor Desired for a Group Sex Romp

robertreams said:

Well, John, I personally cannot stand the second person POV. Your English is close and terse, very adult. However, it did nothing for me sensually, rating, at most, a two on my peter meter. I think you need much more close description. Despite your narrator's speaking directly to his lover, the whole thing seems very matter-of-fact and impersonal. There are no smells, no colors, no astonishing sights, no tastes, as if it were all taking place in a sort of out-of-body experience viewed from outside and reported to us like a news story. In the first chapter instead of referring to some interesting cities around the world, name a few. How about Marakesh. Venice, Brussels, Hong Kong. In fact: the teeming streets of Marakesh, and the spired streets of Brussles. I hope you see what I mean. Your prose is wonderfully terse, but lacking in the type of flavor that a little spice could provide. What did her pussy feel like, smell like, taste like? Was his cock dark brown, pink, smooth, curved, pink? Did her pussy lips "enclose him like a tight red glove as she impaled herself on . . ." What color was the room? Did her hands grasp and twist at the sheets in a proxysm of ecstasy? (okay, now I have gone too far, but this is PORN. It is supposed to make me hard.)
I think you get it.

Click to expand...

chillout said:

Robert - While Lynn awaits a reply to your question I have one of my own? I appreciate the constructive criticism. Could you share the name of story you read to form your advice?

Thanks!

Click to expand...