My first story (please be nice!). Hypnosis category.

Hi all!

Would love some feedback on this. I already know about the tense switching in places: https://www.literotica.com/s/getting-what-i-want-2

Jorvik

You still need to get your dialogue punctuation sorted. For example:

"Yes sir. Thank you for this opportunity, sir," She says as she lowers herself to her knees and unzips the front of my trousers...

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should be:

"Yes sir. Thank you for this opportunity, sir," she says as she lowers herself to her knees and unzips the front of my trousers.

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She looks confused and pauses for a moment but then asks "will you unzip me sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

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should be:

She looks confused and pauses for a moment, then asks, "Will you unzip me sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

Click to expand...

Nail your tense to the floor - but you say you know that, so that's good. Just do it before you submit the story, next time .

You overdo the use of exclamation marks!

Numbers should be written in the text, for example:

The party started at seven so naturally I turned up at eight in a simple black shirt...

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There's opposing schools of thought regarding the use of stats (height, breast size, cock length) in stories - most say, don't do it. The same with the dreaded "info dump" where the story stops while you give us back-fill. If it's relevant, weave it in to the story, or leave it out.

This is all technical stuff, but people do notice it, and will push back against the story if there's a lot of it; and in this case, it detracts. I can see why you had problems getting it submitted - I reckon Laurel didn't have the heart to keep on rejecting it, but you DO need to learn the fundamentals of punctuation. This isn't the difference between English and American standards, it's a matter of correct punctuation, period.

Aside from all this, the story itself was unconvincing. I think there's a little more to being a Dom than doing a bit of hypnosis at a party (even if you could do that).

It's a bit of fluff, but it's a start. Write something else, and learn your editorial skills - your command of written English might not be as good as you think it is .

She looks confused and pauses for a moment, then asks, "Will you unzip me sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

Although this use of an incomplete "then" clause is creeping into the language, it technically isn't grammatical. It's a sentence fragment.

To really be grammatical and not make a trained editor stop in her/his boots, this should read "She looks confused, pauses for a moment, and then asks, "Will you unzip me, sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

Note an additional problem in the rewrite. In the phrase ". . . unzip me, sir" the "sir" is direct address and needs to be set off with a comma.


This rewrite is missing a comma too:

The party started at seven so naturally I turned up at eight in a simple black shirt...

These are two independent clauses, so there should be a comma in front of the conjunction "so."

KeithD said:

She looks confused and pauses for a moment, then asks, "Will you unzip me sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

Although this use of an incomplete "then" clause is creeping into the language, it technically isn't grammatical. It's a sentence fragment.

To really be grammatical and not make a trained editor stop in her/his boots, this should read "She looks confused, pauses for a moment, and then asks, "Will you unzip me, sir? I can't take the dress off easily by myself."

Note an additional problem in the rewrite. In the phrase ". . . unzip me, sir" the "sir" is direct address and needs to be set off with a comma.


This rewrite is missing a comma too:

The party started at seven so naturally I turned up at eight in a simple black shirt...

These are two independent clauses, so there should be a comma in front of the conjunction "so."

Click to expand...

Which illustrates the issue perfectly - I spotted the more obvious errors with the thread on AH in mind, but didn't drill the extra editorial depth as KeithD has done. Lazy on my part, I'll take the slap .