Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

I think you should talk to your doctor about adjusting your hormone replacement medication. But right now, you should go back into the bathroom and shave your breasts. They have a five o'clock shadow.
 
You're so out of shape that the only way I can tell which direction you're facing is by looking at which direction your toes are pointing.
 
What!?!? I invited three of your girlfriends over because when you said that you wanted me to improve my foreplay, I thought that you wanted me to get used to doing it with four women. I'm only trying to make YOU happy!
 
When I was drunk, you looked like an asian beauty, but now that I'm sober, you look more like Howdy Doody.
 
That 'kielbasa' that you were bragging about having looks more like a cocktail wienie.
 
When I first met you, I wasn't sure whether you were a man, or a woman. I'm still not sure.
 
If your breasts sag any more, you'll start lookin' like a man with really big balls.
 
You need to double up on your beauty sleep, 'cuz from this close up, you're lookin' rough.
 
Let's hurry this up. I have a date with your best friend in a half hour, and I think I'm going to get lucky tonight.
 
I've been thinking about how beautiful you are, and the only thing that comes to mind is 'Old English Leather'.
 
I don't care if you dip it in honey. I'm not licking it until you take a bath!
 
Keep your back straight and level! I'm trying to eat my dinner, and I don't want my drink to spill.
 
You're taking your love of American Idol too far. Why are your mom and dad here in our bedroom judging our performance?
 
Wow! That was a great ride. So...ummm....just how often do you have epileptic fits?
 
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