First try at erotica

Joined
Dec 31, 2017
Posts
5
I have published other books and articles, but this is my first effort at erotica. Not really fiction as this and any others I post are accounts of real incidents with enough changed to keep individuals anonymous. Be cause I travel a lot I am able to throw in a little international color. most importantly my ex provides her perspective on the escapades in which she was involved. I appreciate comments and feedback.
https://www.literotica.com/s/two-perspectives-2
 
I came and looked at this coz of the feedback left over on AH by Loqui - he and I have similar tastes in slender, lithe women - like your Linda.

I bailed out early, I'm afraid, and quickly scanned the rest. Just because it's true (and I have no doubt it is) you don't need the disclaimers and you lost me with the blah blah blah. Why do I care about your background, how is that relevant? I died in a ditch, trying to wade through this. It was like reading one of your police reports, it was so very, very dry and dispassionate, very procedural. I just didn't care for any of it, least of all the people in the story.

The worst bit for me - you could have at least given "the school teacher" a name - that was so utterly alienating, and sadly, told me more about the encounter than the rest of it put together.

So sad and soulless, that you couldn't remember her name, and couldn't be bothered giving her even a fictional one. You need to respect your characters more than that, I think. Linda gave her a name, at least.

It may be that your shared writing is good, in that I came away thinking of such an existential bleakness and an emptiness of soul; but if that's what Florida does, I don't think I'll ever visit.

But hey, this is just my opinion. Don't take it to heart. Keep writing, maybe find some intimacy. I like intimacy... but again, that's just me. That's the good thing about Literotica, there's a place for everything under the sun. Even the Florida sun.
 
Hi 'tony', and welcome to a new adventure here.

I took a peek at your story, and I agree that you write well. Very clean and articulate. I tend to agree with the gist of what was said above, but don't see it as an insurmountable issue.

If you're dead set against moving toward a bit more romanticized style, I had the thought that what you're doing might work best broken up into smaller "chapters". The biggest problem with reading online, is that most folks can only take so much "electronic ink" before their eyes cross and fail.

Another thought is; If you are going to write it like a police report...why not a fictional police officer? Perhaps this could be a theme through all of the "cases" you write. Maybe it's a retired cop who's seen it all and is ready to tell his story.

The one thing that is going be to missing from your 'factual style' is that the reader has no chance to peek into the minds of the various characters. It's very hard to convey emotions, fears, feelings, etc in the first person narrative.

You write well. I encourage you to experiment a little. Take a close look at the stories here that you enjoy, and try to figure out why you like them.

Best wishes...and don't give up. If nothing more comes of it and you write everything out as you started, you will get to relive some interesting times and have a nice 'diary' to share with those you might choose to do so with.
 
Thanks for the feedback

Seemed to me that some introduction to the characters would actually make it more enjoyable to read. Maybe not. The "unnamed school teacher" actually was named as my ex recalled her when she reviewed and commented on the story. I guess the other reviewer did not make it that far. I will post a couple more stories and see if they resonate more. Fortunately I am encouraged that a few readers have "favorited" the story an/or chosen to follow me. Thanks again and your comments are taken to heart.
 
I'll pass along some paraphrased, excellent advice that was passed on to me. Writing is a hobby everyone should be lucky enough to have, it's an exciting and cathartic journey, never give up on your muse.
 
I really think this story is quite hot, which is interesting cause it's not as kinky as I usually like, and it's certainly well written. For me, the intro language about him, his wife, and their background added just the right amount of depth, though I wouldn't have wanted much more of it.

I also liked the two different perspectives on the same story although it would've been more interesting if they actually disagreed on various things, leaving the reader to wonder whose perception was the closest to truth.

It didn't bother me at all that he simply referred to one woman as the school teacher. In fact, it makes more sense to me that he'd think of her in that erotic context more so than as "Amy or Betty or whoever." There definitely is something hot about a schoolteacher behaving that way, and it makes one wonder if she will have a fling w an older student at some point.

I found myself going back and re reading the anal scenes. Love this:

"I considered easing the tip of my cock against or into her anus and pulled out of her and ran the tip up the length of her ass. When I passed over her asshole I lingered there and pressed lightly. Susan did not resist at all. At that point Linda grabbed my cock, lowered her face and took it to her lips. Watching her kiss and lick the tip that had just been inside Susan was almost too much the take. Linda then took my cock into her mouth sucked it a few seconds and pulled it out. She looked up at me and in the dim light I could see her lips, cheek and chin was wet from Susan's juices on my cock."

How hot is that?

Good job, Tony. Keep writing.
 
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