Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

Sex has been cancelled for now, please be patient and you'll be sent an alert shortly.
 
Coming from a bullhorn outside your door (whilst flood lights illuminate the entire house) :

"This is Special Investigator Smith. Federal Bureau of Investigations. You in the house, come out with your hands above your heads."
 
Coming from a bullhorn outside your door (whilst flood lights illuminate the entire house) :

"This is Special Investigator Smith. Federal Bureau of Investigations. You in the house, come out with your hands above your heads."

That sounds like the brilliant opening lines of an April Fool's story...
 
-Oh, this is a #MeToo moment, don't you think?

-It's a good thing you said yes, because I don't take no for an answer.

-The condom broke halfway through, so that's like a 50/50 chance you'll be clean after this.

-I'm done, you can stop now.

-No, you're a good size.

-Oh, you want the lights on? But I need the lights off.

-Hold still, I'm going to prove to you it fits.

-This would be so much easier if you didn't fight.

-Uh oh, I think dinner has hit bottom: restroom break.

Actually, # 8 is on my list of 'things I enjoy hearing during sex...'
 
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