Feedback?

This is my first story! And it's only the first chapter. Can I get some feedback? I'm really a bad writer lol


"For years Derek watched Elise grow and grow. He remembered when she was little and fell off her bike and scraped her knee and he remembered all the times she forced he and his wife, Marion, to order pizza and play board games. Even though Elise wasn't biologically his, he loved her and protected her and watched her grow. Which is why he felt so horrible about seeing her now with full breasts and firm, curvy ass. He hated that he couldn't get the images out of his head.

Sometimes when Elise napped she'd leave the door open and he could see one of her breasts slip out of her shirt, or her pajama shorts slip up relatively close almost revealing what he was sure was the sweetest pussies he'd ever seen. He sometimes thought that maybe Elise did it on purpose, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, but he was actually kind of glad she was leaving for college soon because he was getting kind of tired of hiding his erections in his own house especially since he knew Marion would be suspicious, or maybe she wouldn't, considering how she was always "tired" or "sweaty" or "not in the mood". Marion's excuses made his fixation on Elise so much worse.


Arriving home from work, he set down his briefcase and walked to the fridge to open a cold one. Marion wasn't home yet, but of course she was never home early anymore and used her excuse as a "top real estate agent" as an excuse. The house was oddly quiet, he saw Elise's car parked outside so he knew she was home so we walked upstairs to check on her.

There she was, taking her usual afternoon nap in her usual choice of pajamas- a white tank top and a pair of grey pajama shorts. Her fan was on and her nipples poked through her shirt from the cold and he could see her shorts ride down low. He couldn't help himself his dick had taken on full force, just seeing Elise there. He reached into his pants just to give it a quick stroke and in the process Elise had stirred from her nap and had awoken up.

"Dad? Dad, what are you-?" Seeing him standing there her eyes grew large and she stopped talking."





I think it's a little long to build up, maybe I focused to much on a backstory I don't know

Its a good start. I like the premise and you can certainly build on it. The back story is pertinent but make sure that you the girl is of legal age.

CrshNBurn said:

Its a good start. I like the premise and you can certainly build on it. The back story is pertinent but make sure that you the girl is of legal age.

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Oh definitely. I plan to add that because I want next chapter to be in her point of view!

Will be interesting to see the story from her perspective.

CrshNBurn said:

Will be interesting to see the story from her perspective.

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I think so too!

Is it so bad people aren't replying? Haha.

I personally think it could be even slower with more backstory. Readers here appreciate detail and being drawn into the story and into the characters.

ManOSafety said:

I personally think it could be even slower with more backstory. Readers here appreciate detail and being drawn into the story and into the characters.

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See, I didn't know if it was appreciated or if I should get right into fucking haha

It depends on what you want...if you want a story, then give backstory. If you just want people to masturbate to it, then just sex.

lizsea said:

See, I didn't know if it was appreciated or if I should get right into fucking haha

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Two random people fucking isn't sexy. Two characters, with some details, can be sexy, if you tell us why it's taboo or forbidden and you build up some sexual tension.

lizsea said:

This is my first story! And it's only the first chapter. Can I get some feedback? I'm really a bad writer lol

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Longish expository paragraphs that tell rather than show. Some punctuation, run-on, contraction, and redundancy problems. Not a bad start, but I would rearrange it like so:

Another workday was over; Derek was glad to be home. He dropped his briefcase and walked to the fridge to open a cold one. Marion was not in yet, but of course she was never home early anymore. So what if she was a "top real estate agent" -- was that a good excuse?

The house was oddly quiet. He saw Elise's car parked outside so he knew his step-daughter was around.

For years, Derek had watched Elise grow and develop. He remembered when she was little and fell off her bike and scraped her knee; and reading her bedtime stories; and all the times she forced him and Marion to order pizza and play board games. Even though Elise was not biologically his, he loved her and protected her and watched her become an adult. Which is why he felt so horrible about seeing her now with her full, round breasts and firm, curvy ass. He hated that he could not get the images out of his head.

Elise sometimes left her bedroom door open when she napped. He could see one of her breasts slip out of her shirt, or her pajama shorts slip up relatively close, almost revealing what he was sure was one of the sweetest pussies he would ever encounter. He sometimes thought Elise did it on purpose. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

He was actually relieved she would leave for college soon. He was tired of hiding his erections in his own house, especially since he knew Marion would be suspicious. Or maybe she would not notice, considering how she was always "tired" or "sweaty" or "not in the mood". Marion's excuses made his fixation on Elise so much worse.

Yes, the house was very quiet. He walked upstairs to check on her.

There she was, taking her usual afternoon nap in her usual choice of pajamas -- a white tank top and a pair of grey pajama shorts. Her fan was on and her nipples poked through her shirt from the cold. He could see her shorts ride down low. He could not help himself -- his dick responded to her, stiff and full. He reached into his pants just to give it a quick stroke. Oops. In the process, Elise stirred from her nap and awoke.

"Dad? Dad, what are you...?" Seeing him standing there, her eyes grew large and she stopped talking.

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My paragraph philosophy is "bite-size chunks of a single flavor". Each paragraph should be distinct and clear and tell its own little bit of the story. That's how I approached your piece. Hope it works for you!

Hypoxia said:

Longish expository paragraphs that tell rather than show. Some punctuation, run-on, contraction, and redundancy problems. Not a bad start, but I would rearrange it like so:



My paragraph philosophy is "bite-size chunks of a single flavor". Each paragraph should be distinct and clear and tell its own little bit of the story. That's how I approached your piece. Hope it works for you!

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Aw, you see, I'm using my husbands MacBook Air and it doesn't have Microsoft Word or any thing like that so I seriously typed it in the submit form so I know it's a bit... off. But thank you, you're awesome!

okay, it isn't incest but it's in the taboo realm. from my experience, the readers in that category tend - and this is a generalisation - to prefer a much longer build-up.

as RawHumor says, build up some tension, get into the characters.

perhaps take your time over writing the piece - easier said than done, i know! explore thoughts and feelings and lead into it slowly.

hypoxia's points are excellent value - free advice that's supremely sound, too.

enjoy the process. keep going. good luck.

geronimo_appleby said:

okay, it isn't incest but it's in the taboo realm. from my experience, the readers in that category tend - and this is a generalisation - to prefer a much longer build-up.

as RawHumor says, build up some tension, get into the characters.

perhaps take your time over writing the piece - easier said than done, i know! explore thoughts and feelings and lead into it slowly.

hypoxia's points are excellent value - free advice that's supremely sound, too.

enjoy the process. keep going. good luck.

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I think I might change it to straight up incest. It's a little sexier, in my opinion.

lizsea said:

I think I might change it to straight up incest. It's a little sexier, in my opinion.

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that's a very popular category here.

Editing

I liked your story line but you definitely need to do some editing. I suggest you let someone else read your finished product to help correct spelling and usage problems. Spellcheck will only tell you if the word is spelled correctly. It will not tell you if it is missing a letter such as using the word "war" instead of the word "wear." I think you have some run on sentences. When you get to the sex scenes take your time with them. What I have seen in other stories is that the author gets in a hurry, they fail to create a truly erotic image. For example an author goes directly to the nipple sucking on it then moving on to another part of the body. What would have been more erotic would have been to describe the size and color of the aureole, the size and color of the nipple, then what was done to these. Did the person kiss, lick, suck or nip them?
One thing that I have noticed in some stories is the MYTH of being able to insert a cock into the cervix or womb. This is normally impossible unless you get the hospital's and the doctor's permission just after a woman has delivered a baby. What I mean by just after the woman has delivered a baby is just after the afterbirth is delivered before the cervix starts to shrink back to normal size. Once the cervix starts shrinking back to normal size a man risks getting his cock trapped inside the uterus, cutting off blood flow to his cock. If his cock becomes trapped with the cervix still shrinking then cellular death of the cock could result. The only help for this would be medical intervention.
Another mistake some authors make is using the word "womb" instead of "vagina" or "pussy." The "womb" is a common term used for the " uterus." Another word that could be substituted for vagina or pussy would be "birth canal."
I hope this helps you create a better quality story. Good luck.

I think the feedback you have received here is good and I hope future stories will encorporate these recommendations. I have been publishing on Lit for over seven years and a cringe at some of what I wrote back then. I believe my current stories are much better than my early ones.

So keep writing and we'll keep reading.

I do not think the build up is too long at all. However, lots of run-ons. People will tell you I am a stickler for this, but you need to check the overuse of the same word. In one paragraph (three sentences) you used the word "and" 10 times. See if you can find a way to vary the sentences.

My way:
Sometimes when Elise napped with the door open he would see a breast slip from her shirt, or her pajama shorts would slide up, revealing her sweet, sweet pussy. He sometimes thought Elise exposed herself intentionally, or maybe that was wishful thinking. He was, however, glad she was leaving for college soon because he was tired of hiding his erections in his own house. If Marion saw them she would be suspicious; or maybe not, considering she was always "tired" or "sweaty" or "not in the mood". Marion's excuses had made his fixation on Elise (more intense?)so much worse.

Don't equivocate. If it is the sweetest pussy,it is the sweetest, not maybe, sometimes, he thought, almost the sweetest pussy ever in his whole life. I exaggerate, but you get my drift. The hesitancy in your style, in your words, shows your lack of confidence in yourself as a writer. Let your characters DO what they WILL DO not "almost" do it. Let them DARE what you would not!