Humor Thread

Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?
Who farted?

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side.

'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

Crazy Stories for Skipping Work

We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories for skipping work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:

Employee didn’t want to lose his parking space in front of his house.

Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."

Employee’s dog was stressed-out after family reunion.

Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.

Another Blonde Joke

The blonde was mad; she said to me
“The place I work is really bad.
I fucked each guy they sent to me
But now I find out I’ve been had.

For years I worked and never once
Complained of guys with little dicks,
The whole night long I lie in bed
And work my ass off turning tricks.”

“But what is wrong?” I fin’ly asked
“I thought you liked it, being laid.”
“Because, I just found out today,
The other girls are getting paid.”

DG Hear said:

Crazy Stories for Skipping Work

We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories for skipping work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:

Employee didn’t want to lose his parking space in front of his house.

Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."

Employee’s dog was stressed-out after family reunion.

Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.

Click to expand...

Reminds me of a true story from a job I used to have. It was downtown in a larger city and there was a festival going on. We were slammed busy and I had barely noticed that one of my better employees was five minutes late to work. I was just glad to see the extra help arrive. But being a good employee, she was frantic about showing up late. To make the story right, it's worth noting that Theo was a larger woman.

Anyway, she rushes into the backroom and finds me washing some dishes. She's panting, out of breath, and instantly starts apologizing for being five minutes. Here was her story:

"I was on my way to work" <pant, pant> "And they had the roads closed." <pant, pant> "And I had to run" <pant, pant> "And there were these men" <pant, pant> "Falling from the sky" <pant, pant> "With smoke... billowing off of them..." <pant, pant> "Lots of smoke. And they were falling" <pant, pant> And the road was closed and I had to run because of that. <pant, pant>

Entertained by the story, I had to make sure I had my facts straight. So I asked the large girl, "Theo? Let me get this right, you're late to work because there were men, on fire, falling from the skies and the roads were closed because of it?"

Theo nodded emphatically and I knew she was telling the truth as best as she understood. What Theo didn't know (that I did), the festival had included a sky-diving exhibition and the sky-divers had smoke cannisters on their feet to make it easier to track them as they fell. She just never saw the chutes deploy.

A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $20,000 a year and you make $500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Blonde On a Plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

I walked out of the supermarket today to see a Muslim stood on the roof.

"What are you doing up there?" I shouted.

"I'm committing suicide!" he screamed, "I'm sick of people discriminating me because of my religion!"

"Oh, ok then," I shouted back, whilst running away. "I'm just gonna stand over there in case."

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar....and he orders a drink.

I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you stalking me or something?"

"Don't bloody flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet connection."

For Richer and For Poorer

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!"

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn't believe how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Bloody miserable ...

A guy was just surfing the web (as one does), when his wife asked if he'd found anything of interest.
"Oh yes,", he said. "It says that 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental health problems."
He looked up at her and continued:
"That's scary; it means that 75% are running round with no medication at all."

Handley_Page said:

A guy was just surfing the web (as one does), when his wife asked if he'd found anything of interest.
"Oh yes,", he said. "It says that 25% of women in this country are on medication for mental health problems."
He looked up at her and continued:
"That's scary; it means that 75% are running round with no medication at all."

Click to expand...

Good one, HP.

SweetMaj said:

Good one, HP.

Click to expand...

Hi SweetMaj. Hope you're feelng better. We're praying for you over here at the humor thread. No joke!
Love ya
DG

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.

I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned,
"All I need you to do is step into this room right her-r-r-e-e, strip to the waist, then-n-n, slip on this gown. Everything clear-r-r?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the "Chamber of Horrors."

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me literally to the left and said, "Hmm-m-m. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad, so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?

My body was stretched-up and bent-over in a holding pattern that defied gravity with my left Boob wedged between two 4" inch pieces of square glass when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said,
"Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right-t-t-t back-k-k."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared......
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked, part of me dangling from the 'Jaws of Life' and the other part smashed between those glass squares!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or Possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care."
Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the local grocery.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,
"Oh I am so-o-o sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"



"And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

I love this one

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.A.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
You're in America now.
Speak Spanish."

Minor Procedure

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."

"If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

"I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."

Assumed Name

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.

"I forgot your phone number," he said.

"You could’ve looked it up in the phone book."

"I didn’t know what name to look under."


Lightbulb

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -
LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." - Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Saginaw,
Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." - To a divorced mother of three, Omaha,
Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." -
Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." - Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Florence,
S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee ... I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee ... that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... you can't get fooled again." - Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Two good ole boys havin' a quiet chat over a beer.

"The 'Avengers' ", said the first, "made more money on it's opening weekend than any other film in history."

The second one thought for a moment, took a sip of his beer, and said:
"Um m m, Please tell me more about how piracy is destroying Hollywood?"

I was talking to a fat chick with huge tits last night.

"My eyes are up here..." I said as she looked down at the doughnut in my hand.

In Trouble

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"

"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."

Potential plot bunny ?

Two blokes manoeuvring a small air-plane out of the Hangar:

Man A: "I had a huge fight with my wife last night and I think this might be the end. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"

Man B: "Sorry, but I don't. But I do have a large and comfortable couch if that's any good."

Man A: "Thank you; that's perfect. I'll send her round this afternoon."