Guidance?

When raising children, teaching students, training dogs, pretty much everything when it comes to guidance, people forget the most important step of REINFORCE REINFORCE REINFORCE. you NEED to find out what he likes the most that you two do and do THAT after he does something good. When a dog sits and stays, what do you do???? Throw him a treat! I would find out what he likes first and second best and then only give him his second favorite thing when he does a good job. When he does a GREWT job give him his favorite thing. You don't need take take baby steps you just need to use postive reinforcement. It will go faster the more creative you get with the reinforcement.

jckontharocks said:

When raising children, teaching students, training dogs, pretty much everything when it comes to guidance, people forget the most important step of REINFORCE REINFORCE REINFORCE. you NEED to find out what he likes the most that you two do and do THAT after he does something good. When a dog sits and stays, what do you do???? Throw him a treat! I would find out what he likes first and second best and then only give him his second favorite thing when he does a good job. When he does a GREWT job give him his favorite thing. You don't need take take baby steps you just need to use postive reinforcement. It will go faster the more creative you get with the reinforcement.

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So, basically treat your lover like a Pavlovian dog. I'd like to think men are a little more complex than that and deserve respect and fulfillment without having to "work for a treat".

Sidney_1 said:

So, basically treat your lover like a Pavlovian dog. I'd like to think men are a little more complex than that and deserve respect and fulfillment without having to "work for a treat".

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Damn it! I knew if I used a dog as an example someone would be stupid. Come the fuck on. Regardless of what brainless says, it will work. Everyone uses similar reinforcement everyday.

Ok, OP. I want you to imagine that this vanilla but otherwise perfect guy came to you and wanted to be dominated.

You did say that's not in your makeup, right?

Why isn't it as OK if it's not in his? If he's just happy with sex? Yeah, the results are not what you want to hear, but at what point and after how much hinting and discussing does it become demoralizing and unfair to the party whose sexuality is always not enough?

I've been down this road, and I handled it poorly. But I like to think that I always understood it's his RIGHT to be plain stinking 100 percent vanilla. That not every man has a "latent Dom" hanging around just waiting to be freed. (In the case of my hopes a latent sub) That we need to realize that wanting some slap and tickle is pretty normal but needing SO MUCH MORE KINK puts us into a minority.

A minority that is probably best off sticking to one another for understanding.

jckontharocks said:

Damn it! I knew if I used a dog as an example someone would be stupid. Come the fuck on. Regardless of what brainless says, it will work. Everyone uses similar reinforcement everyday.

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But isn't the difference between unsavory manipulation and kinky fun training fully informed consent?

GingerSnap3 said:

I come and go here quite a bit. It's been a while since I've logged in. I've been dating a wonderful man for 7 months now, and he is absolutely great. There's just one problem... He's vanilla,, and I am definitely not. I enjoy being dominated, and have explained that to him. Although he doesn't judge me for that, and has tried a few things that don't scare him too much (light choking and hair pulling), he's unwilling to try more in-depth domination. It's mostly quiet missionary sex. Although I love him dearly, I'm losing my mind. I do not want to break up or cheat, but those of you who enjoy being submissive will probably understand the need I feel. It's been 7 months. What can I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

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7 months? Try 13 years.

And it doesnt matter if you can communicate, if that is Not. His. Thing., it will probably never change. It is up to you to decide if you can live with it. Just mind, the craving doesnt go away and gets even worse in time if unfilled, usually.

Curious_in_Cali said:

But isn't the difference between unsavory manipulation and kinky fun training fully informed consent?

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To an extent everyone does this in relationships as an extent of socialized human behavior - there's a point where that kind of encouragement is just communication and there's a point where the point is made and it is simply selfish belaboring to expect some sudden new result of the re-hash of the same conflict.

Netzach said:

To an extent everyone does this in relationships as an extent of socialized human behavior - there's a point where that kind of encouragement is just communication and there's a point where the point is made and it is simply selfish belaboring to expect some sudden new result of the re-hash of the same conflict.

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Yeah. The wrong jeans will never really fit right.

Relationships all have compromise and expectations, which is how different creatures learn to sustain coexisting which is definitely it's own sort of training but if both parties are fulfilled somehow based on trained instead of inherent habits is it any "less"? Maybe that purely inherent matchy matchy is what chemistry or twue love stuff is actually about? Artificial/man made vs natural flavors?

Curious_in_Cali said:

But isn't the difference between unsavory manipulation and kinky fun training fully informed consent?

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Absolutely! I don't understand the guy anyways. I don't have any type of Dom dying to be released out of me everyday. But if a sexy girl requested something. I would love to adhere to what pleases her. And I would LOVE to be treated like a dog and be given treats. Hahaha.

Netzach said:

To an extent everyone does this in relationships as an extent of socialized human behavior - there's a point where that kind of encouragement is just communication and there's a point where the point is made and it is simply selfish belaboring to expect some sudden new result of the re-hash of the same conflict.

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I agree. That's why new means of reinforcement need to happen. If the ideas don't evolve then it just gets old to the trainee. All sounds hot to me though.

Does he know you are on lit? My best advice is to not hide things from him, even if it should cost you your relationship. If he's too straight to handle the truth of who you are it might eventually blow up in your face anyway. This has nothing to do with either of you making or not making compromises.

i know your post is about a month old but thought i would reply anyhow. I am new to literotica and this type of lifestyle but i can tell you from experience that if your personalities/sex life dont match up in or out of the bedroom your relationship wont last and if it does you both will be miserable. I have been married 13 years. He is a natural dom. and I am submissive. Although i tried to not be and never fully understood it myself and when i did i was to afraid to mention it due to weirdness factor. He tried to tame his dominate side to keep me happy and i tried being someone i wasnt to keep him happy. long story short. 2 miserable people stuck in a failed marriage trying to make it work. We were constantly at each others throats and were in a power struggle over everything. we talked recently and was upfront with each other and realized that we needed to be ourselves with each other and was shocked to find we are actually a perfect match if when we fell into the roles we truly wanted to be in. It just took us 14 years to do so. Since changing our way or thinking and lifestyle we are both much happier, already becoming intune with each other and talking way more than we ever have. Its nice to not be on edge all of the time.

So my suggestion is 1st find out if he has it in him deep down for either in the bedroom or full time, if he does decide if what he is offering you is enough and if it isn't leave him before you both have more invested in the relationship than you already do. Compatibility in bed and out is a huge factor in marriage. from your post i highly doubt a marriage with each other would be happy or successful.....

I think you're a bad start

1- He is vanilla style
So he is not overbearing do not understand your needs
Take a break to appease the situation, and wait, act natruly a few days.

2- Come back. Return to Zero.I suggest an approach that must pass, more subtle.
He must think gradually (and he will understand) that you do not experience an ordinary love, but true love. Maximum for a good job 3-4 days.
With a little application from you in a week he will Strongly believes that you feel unconditional love for him.
You a girl. Girlrs rule te world in the dark.

3- Test him a few dayys later.
Act in bed like a slut but be shy, be classy, outdoor.
Quickly, He will conclude that you're a whore for him, only for him, you're his bitch.
Discover his fantasies (making love with another girl and you, attend the antics of two lesbians ... no matter, tries to get him to confess his dark side) Don't care if you share or not his fantasies he has to learn that you think "with him nothing is wrong in love"
Do take him aware that you are to be willing to do anything to please him but make sure he knows he must be persuasive demanding and authoritarian to obtain your coopération.

3- conclusion
Lets take decisions himself even if you spent hours to suggest it. Show how much you respect and admire him for his intelligence his strength and unique way to bring you to its purposes...
Subtly suggests, that with more violence in your relationship, he will get your full and complete cooperation for all his needs and secrets wishes.

Once the first step crossed you have won.

Abuse is addictive for both

If it will not boot as expected, exchange guy, he is not the one that you need

Amateur marital counsellor

BMC
BforbeMformyCforcunt