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I know it's not switching heads, but here it goes ...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
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Hilarious! :D
 
The Washcloth

The Washcloth

I doubt there is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
DG :)

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had
only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already
around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't
have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able
to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw
the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was
called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I
was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this
morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called
out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get
another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it
had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

Never going back to that doctor. Ever. :eek::eek::eek:
 
A man meets a beautiful blonde at a party and wants to get married right away.

She's flattered but says they hardly know each other.

He says 'Never mind, we'll get to know each other as we go along."

She agrees to marry him, they have a lavish wedding and go on honeymoon to the Bahamas.

One morning they're lying by the pool when he gets up from his lounger, goes to the high diving board, jumps off and executes a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, straightens out and slices into the water like a knife.

He does several other perfect dives while the blonde laughs and claps excitedly.

When he returns, she says "That was amazing."

"I was a Olympic Diving Champion. I told you we'd get to know each other as we went along."

She smiles, dives in the pool and begins swimming lengths. After doing eighty she returns to him not even breathing hard.

"That was incredible," he exclaims. "Were you an Olympic Endurance Swimmer?"

She smiles sweetly, "No I was a call girl in Memphis, but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."
 
Just read this one. It's hilarious.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; t he suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

SPEW!!!
Damn that's one keyboard that won't make it :rolleyes:

and worth it, great one Rob :D
 
I know it's not switching heads, but here it goes ...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

Thank you Nero :D
 
Pirates

A ship is sailing along one day when they're set upon by a pirate ship, flying the Jolly Roger.

The captain called to his cabin boy, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The crew is confused by this, but the cabin boy brings the captain his red shirt. The captain puts on his red shirt, and they fight off the pirates. They celebrate that night and toasts are made to the captain.

A week later, they're sailing along when they sight not one but two pirate ships, flying the Jolly Roger.

This naturally makes the crew a little more nervous, but the captain just calls out: "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again he dons his red shirt, and valiantly fights off the pirates. Later that night, they're celebrating, and toasts are again made to the captain.

Finally someone asks, "Why do you call for your red shirt whenever we're set upon by pirates?"

The captain replies, "I wear my red shirt so that if I'm wounded, the blood will blend in with my shirt and I will continue to fight, giving heart to my crew so that we may win the day."

This impresses the crew very much and more toasts are made.

For the next couple of weeks, they sail along unaccosted. Then, one day, they spot TEN pirate ships, all flying the Jolly Roger. The crew all turn to their captain.

He calls out: "Bring me my brown pants!"
 
Peguins are FUNNY!

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some fish sticks and vanilla ice cream, and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen section. After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop.

Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says, 'Looks like you've blown a seal.'

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, 'No, it's just vanilla ice cream.'


I used that story in my Nude Day story-the imagery of the penguin hanging in the frozen section just kills.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370850
 
I'll bring down the humor level.

A girl is out shopping for her father's Christmas present and enters a tie shop.

The guy behind the counter thought she was cute and spun her the usual lines, and won a date.

Three months passed, they got along really well and being a Leap Year, the girl proposed to him.

The guy was taken back, surprised and enthusiastic simultaneously. They agreed to marry in the fall.

As the months dropped away to Autumn, the wedding arrangements were in full flow and he began to meet her extended family and friends. One cousin stood out from the crowd, she was a spinster and wasn't difficult to tell why. Anne was incredibly short, almost dwarfish in height and his bride insisted Anne should be Chief Bridesmaid. The guy went along with her plans, snickering all the while at the vision of his 6' 3" Best Man dancing with Anne.

On the day of the wedding, there was the usual pandemonium; he got to the church on time after a raucous and wild stag night and caught glimpses of his beautiful bride standing outside the church each time the door opened to admit guests.

Time dragged on, the allocated time for the wedding had passed and the Vicar was getting nervous - he had another wedding immediately after this one. The Vicar asked 'What's keeping the Bride?' and the Best Man slid down the aisle sneeked out and returned a few minutes latter.

'Look, Vicar,' he said. 'I'm really sorry but Tie Man Bride waits for Gnome Anne.'
 
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Thanks everyone

Thanks to everyone for contributing to this humor thread. Please keep posting. It it's humor to you, it's probably funny to others as well.
Thanks
DG Hear
:):):):)
 
The Aisle seat

The Aisle seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really li ke one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST! :D:D:D
 
Late one night a small town sausage factory catches fire, in an instant the building is engulfed. Alarms go out to all neighboring communities to assist the town's firefighters. Soon there are several departments fighting the flames.

The factory owner arrives and offers a $25,000 reward to the firefighters who can retrieve the company safe. It contains secret sausage recipies that are irreplaceable.

Everyone tries, but the flames are too intense and they are driven back.

Suddenly an ancient fire engine appears crewed by elderly firefighters. It roars into the heart of the inferno and the elderly men begin fighting the fire.

Emboldened by this display of bravery, the other firefighters join them. The blaze is extinguished and the recipies are saved.

The greatful owner rushes up to the white haired fire chief and informs him that for saving his recipies he will give them a $200,000 reward.

A tv reporter asks the chief what the department will do with all that money.

He thinks a minute and says, "The first thing we'll do is get the brakes relined on that fuckin' truck."
 
A tour bus is taking a load of elderly people to a gambling casino.

An old woman sitting behind the driver taps him on the shoulder and asks him if he'd like some peanuts.

He says yes and she fills his hand with them.

She continues to offer him peanuts as they ride along and he accepts them.

They arrive at the casino, he thanks the woman for the peanuts and asks why none of them ate any.

"We can't chew them young man," says the woman. "All we can do is suck the chocolate off."
 
I Wonder???

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking. --?????:eek:
 
Government Officials

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect
your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural
land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do
you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining
with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him your card!' ;););)
 
LMAO! Having been in that situation before, even funnier. hahahahahah!!!
 
Which one?

LMAO! Having been in that situation before, even funnier. hahahahahah!!!
Ok Kimmy, which situation have you been in. Having your head replaced in a funeral home?
Been chased by a bull.
Used sparkles on a wash rag to wash certain areas?
Hubby going fishing?
Sucked the chocolates off peanuts and gave them away?
Or something else?
DG Hear :) :):)
 
Ok Kimmy, which situation have you been in. Having your head replaced in a funeral home?
Been chased by a bull.
Used sparkles on a wash rag to wash certain areas?
Hubby going fishing?
Sucked the chocolates off peanuts and gave them away?
Or something else?
DG Hear :) :):)

Geez!!! hahahahahh! Well... only the chased by a bull thing. (so far anyway) Grew up on a beef farm. ;)
 
Old Butch

Jim was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible. :rolleyes:
 
This was nominated for best joke of the year

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!' :)
 
Little Pecker

Little Pecker

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the
front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?'

Grandpa replied, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandp a, it's just a little pecker!'

Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'

Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered 'no,' again.

Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'

The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me.' :eek::eek::eek:
 
Blonde Cowboy

BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees
a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat,
gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around
like this?'

The Cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with
her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy.. '

'And her e I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist. :):):)
 
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