Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

I submitted the following story yesterday, and already got a 'favorite' and an anonymous 'that was stupid' review;
I'd welcome your opinion:

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-clean-plate-club

(Its a fetish story but I don't think it has any of your do-not-wants)

Steatopygist said:

I submitted the following story yesterday, and already got a 'favorite' and an anonymous 'that was stupid' review;
I'd welcome your opinion:

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-clean-plate-club

(Its a fetish story but I don't think it has any of your do-not-wants)

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I thought this was so fun and funny! I actually laughed when he asked for italian at the end. I don't know if there was supposed to be any sexuality to it, but it was very entertaining and easy to read. I liked both of them. He was a bit henpecked but in a non pathetic way and her controlling wasn't cruel at all. I hope you write another one.

I forgot that I did ask Lien if I could comment on this before I did and he gave me the ok

Cocksucking Competition

Let's now take a moment to gather around the campfire whilst I ramble on about swingerjoe's Cocksucking Competition.

You start off with the action, which is a great way to go. The sex is very hot and you describe the fellatio very well, which I imagine is going to be quite important to a story with this particular title. After that hot and steamy scene you wildly shift the pace and tone into history textbook mode in order to give me their back story. I'm not saying that part was unnecessary, but it might have been better situated a little bit later on rather in the middle of the juicy bits.

Ha! I actually like the way you raised the idea of the competition. You use the dialogue effectively, and although it's slightly surreal you do cover all your bases in terms of character motivation. I get the feeling this is more of a kinky story too, and you established that very well with the opening so you get more goodwill when the more outlandish sexual activities are suggested rather than disbelief. Nicely accomplished.

I also thought the scene where he later brings it up with his wife was quite funny. The interrogation works as a tool to further the plot to what I imagine is coming. The dialogue here really works too. It feels quite natural rather than forced, which is quite impressive given the slightly strange and porno-like subject matter. It could devolve into a sort of porn-acting kind of thing but you keep it pretty much on track, or at least you have so far!

Aaaaand now I'm on chapter 2. I'm not usually someone who appreciates the sort of story where wife-sharing is involved, but I do like this so far. It's very steamy, but there's also a good connection between the man and the wife and you've set it up in such a way that there's nothing nasty happening between them.

I did find the training a little bit tedious. That connection you established well between Rochelle and her husband fades a bit and it gets more pornoish and outlandish. Fine for a stroker, but nothing special. I did laugh at her accidentally blowing the guy selling magazines. I could have done without the trainer. It was a bit of a bridge (or blowjob) too far.

Admittedly the trainer did pay off in the third chapter. Mai Linn shouting from the corner like Mickey Goldmill in the Rocky movies was very funny. I also like how it seemed very much influenced by a sports movie in the last chapter. The point scoring was a lot of fun, and the ending was just awesome. The classic heroine using brains rather than... er... tongue, to get what she wants!

That's pretty much all I can think of to say about this one. Like you said, it's a simpler sort of tale. I enjoyed it though, and it's not something I'd usually consider to be in my line of interest. So well done with that! I'd just say in the future to perhaps expand on the character relationships you build and don't forget to give them some love. Still, that's a relatively minor issue here given the somewhat outlandish nature of the story. You did a lot of very cool stuff with it, combining the underdog tale with a particular erotic fetish was very clever. Nice work!

Fawc 5

Lien, have you seen any of the latest Friendly Anonymous Writing Challenge stories? There are a lot of fantasy and horror because they all had to start with the same line, "Upon the table lay three items, a handkerchief, a book, and a knife."

http://www.literotica.com/c/chain-stories

Thought there might be some there you'd like, and, since comments are the "prize," I'm sure your unvarnished opinion would be appreciated!

@iceprincess12, thanks for the feedback

Steatopygist said:

@iceprincess12, thanks for the feedback

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You are very welcome!

Removed

Stories_From_The_TV, I'm not going to review your story. I know you warned of a little bit of non-con in the story, but forcing someone to lick you out in a bathroom whilst calling them a "cheap rug munching whore" is a little too non-con for me. Before I got to that point though, I did notice that your writing really suffers from technical errors that you should probably tighten up on. Questions without question marks and some really weirdly formatted and punctuated dialogue were some big culprits. Get an editor or spend more time looking through your work.

Come on people, I don't exactly have a laundry list of rules for what I'll review here but I put a lot of time into these rants. Do me the courtesy of staying away from putting stuff up for review that I've blatantly said I don't like to review.

Honey, I'm home!

Here's my thoughts on Honey, I'm Home! by jacktar48.

First thing I see is that in your first paragraph you have a sentence starting with the word "And". That's usually considered bad form and it's something that breaks immersion for me. Sometimes I see why writers do this, but here you could just take the "And" out and it would still make perfect sense. Tighten up your editing and review it a few more times. I've said it before, but make sure your first few paragraphs are perfect in regards to technical issues. You've got a couple of simple mistakes in there and it's immediately off-putting. If you can't be bothered fixing basic errors, why should a reader bother sticking around to read the story?

You also have a lot of exposition as you lay out the mechanics of the scene and it reads a lot like a trip back to high school math class. You've literally taken an inter-dimensional time machine and made it boring. There's a reason that in Dr. Who the Doctor usually explains the mechanics of the TARDIS by saying stuff like: "Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey." It's because the actual physics explanations of that stuff involve very long equations that don't make for good TV or good entertaining reading. So I'd cut down on that sort of stuff if I were you.

It's also difficult to do that right at the beginning. If you can give me some sort of attachment to a character or an interest in the plot first, then you might get away with a chunk of exposition like that. It's just that here it's right at the start before I really have a reason to care about it.

The characters also seem weirdly inconsistent. At first Lisa is a shy journalist, then she turns into an uppity mean girl, then she gazes in wonderment. He starts off a lecherous nerd, then a shy virgin, then a slightly perplexed and all-too-innocent scientist. There's nothing there for me to latch on to. It's like they shift their personalities depending on the mood of the scene. It's just very weird to read.

What you have after that is a girl being mean to a guy who's just painfully and unrealistically out of touch. It's not sexy, it's not compelling because I just don't really care about them, there's no humour there so it doesn't play out as the comedy it could. I was honestly just quite bored when I was reading it. The plot didn't really have any direction and the characters were so malleable that I couldn't invest myself in anything.

Which doesn't really leave me with a whole lot to review about this one! I can't really talk about character development or pacing or anything like that. There's not much else I can say. I'm sorry to be so negative about it! It really feels like you just didn't put enough planning into this because it veers about so much. Anyways, I'm sure some other people liked it and the cool thing about writing is that no matter what you write you usually end up better at it. So keep plugging away and I hope to have something nicer to say soon!

Lien_Geller said:

Here's my thoughts on Honey, I'm Home! by jacktar48.

First thing I see is that in your first paragraph you have a sentence starting with the word "And". That's usually considered bad form and it's something that breaks immersion for me. Sometimes I see why writers do this, but here you could just take the "And" out and it would still make perfect sense. Tighten up your editing and review it a few more times. I've said it before, but make sure your first few paragraphs are perfect in regards to technical issues. You've got a couple of simple mistakes in there and it's immediately off-putting. If you can't be bothered fixing basic errors, why should a reader bother sticking around to read the story?

You also have a lot of exposition as you lay out the mechanics of the scene and it reads a lot like a trip back to high school math class. You've literally taken an inter-dimensional time machine and made it boring. There's a reason that in Dr. Who the Doctor usually explains the mechanics of the TARDIS by saying stuff like: "Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey." It's because the actual physics explanations of that stuff involve very long equations that don't make for good TV or good entertaining reading. So I'd cut down on that sort of stuff if I were you.

It's also difficult to do that right at the beginning. If you can give me some sort of attachment to a character or an interest in the plot first, then you might get away with a chunk of exposition like that. It's just that here it's right at the start before I really have a reason to care about it.

The characters also seem weirdly inconsistent. At first Lisa is a shy journalist, then she turns into an uppity mean girl, then she gazes in wonderment. He starts off a lecherous nerd, then a shy virgin, then a slightly perplexed and all-too-innocent scientist. There's nothing there for me to latch on to. It's like they shift their personalities depending on the mood of the scene. It's just very weird to read.

What you have after that is a girl being mean to a guy who's just painfully and unrealistically out of touch. It's not sexy, it's not compelling because I just don't really care about them, there's no humour there so it doesn't play out as the comedy it could. I was honestly just quite bored when I was reading it. The plot didn't really have any direction and the characters were so malleable that I couldn't invest myself in anything.

Which doesn't really leave me with a whole lot to review about this one! I can't really talk about character development or pacing or anything like that. There's not much else I can say. I'm sorry to be so negative about it! It really feels like you just didn't put enough planning into this because it veers about so much. Anyways, I'm sure some other people liked it and the cool thing about writing is that no matter what you write you usually end up better at it. So keep plugging away and I hope to have something nicer to say soon!

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Thank you for that. You concisely explain some of my own less precise impressions. When I finished the first chapter I found that I did not like either character and mostly wanted to kill them both.

I know I get hung up on technical details that no one cares about. That probably comes from being an engineer.

I think I need to finish the whole long novelette before posting...I really don't know where things are going at the beginning, and obviously it shows and does not make other people wonder what might come next.

Thank you again.

Jack

The Clean Plate Club

Today's tale is Steatopgist's The Clean Plate Club.

Here are my musings...

Just as a forewarning, I might stop this review early if the particular fetish is something I find very off-putting. It doesn't strike me as my idea of fun, but the story is very short so at least if I'm uncomfortable with it then I won't be for long.

That said, there's two things I notice in terms of style that immediately would put me off from reading this story if I was browsing around. The first is that it's only about a third of a page long. I'm sorry but that's just not worth my time for a story. This is generally a personal thing, but practically a lot of people are browsing Lit for some steamy fun. I wouldn't think that anyone could get too steamy after reading a third of a page unless they suffered from premature... steaminess. Ahem.

Anyhoo, the second thing I wanted to flag up was not just a pet peeve of mine but a personal hate of mine and that's that you address the reader directly as a part of the story. The reader is a character. I personally think that his is just a horrendous thing to do when addressing a wide audience. It could work for two people sending sexy letters to each other, who knew each other and could tailor the story to each other's personal tastes. It's just that when that "you" applies to the whole of the viewing public it becomes completely impersonal and alarmingly awkward to read. I personally don't have any sort of food fetish, and I wouldn't cheat on my wife (I'd take actually having a wife as a personal victory.) So when you start saying that I do this and that I do that it immediately just pelts me out of the story.

Using the "you" in stories like this I think isn't too bad when writing something in the style of an open letter. In The Warlock I use a first person narrator and address the reader directly on a couple of occasions. The difference is that it's written in the style of someone conversationally telling a story. It's when you make the reader a full-on active character that you just lose me. I have a much higher tolerance for other people doing kinky things with each other, but when you put me directly in the passenger seat I'm immediately put-off because I wouldn't do the things you say I would.

I hope you get my meaning there of why that particular style can be very difficult to pull off for a mass crowd. Even if you're into that kink, you can't really template everyone into one person if you see what I mean.

Moving on then, when you first describe the woman it's like a weird sandwich of how to do good descriptive writing serving as the bread outside a filling of how to do bad descriptive writing.

"She's already waiting, crimson lips pursed in mock disapproval."

"[...]cruel creamy skin wrapped in expensive black glossiness"

Those two little lines are great all on their own! I get a really vivid picture of the woman in my head and the imagery you use also highlights her character traits which is descriptive writing at its best!

Then in between that we get this:

" Knee-high boots, tight skirt, gloves, silk blouse, designer sunglasses:"

Listing off the clothes like that just doesn't make for good reading. You're not telling me much at all about her. I know you're bouncing that description off of the second quote up there, and that does help it, but you could just as easily leave her laundry list out completely and get the same effect.

Nina shorting the stock of the company was an interesting aside, but the story is so short that it doesn't really have any payoff at all. I didn't remotely find the tale arousing, and felt a bit ill at the idea of eating that much if I'm honest. As I said, it really isn't my kink so I can't exactly comment on that.

That being said you do seem to have a firm grasp of a lot of the basics of good writing. I didn't see any off-putting technical errors and the story did have a decent flow to it. The ending line added an extra punch that I would have liked had I been more interested in the fetish itself. It's a decent attempt at structure, but the whole thing is so short that I can't really comment on anything like character development. I will say that the characters were decently formed and did carry their personalities well enough.

If you put this out as a test balloon I'd say it went alright for a first try. I'd just shift away from making the reader a character and concentrate more on fleshing out the story more. Not a bad start though! Just don't ask me to review a longer one of these, especially not after lunch.

Lien, if you had time, I wouldn't mind your feelings on my FAWC entry, "Empires of the Stars."

I'd be curious to know a general reaction, and whether you think it can be turned into a stand-alone story not dependent on the FAWC connection.

Also, it's short.

Lien_Geller said:

First thing I see is that in your first paragraph you have a sentence starting with the word "And". That's usually considered bad form and it's something that breaks immersion for me. Sometimes I see why writers do this, but here you could just take the "And" out and it would still make perfect sense.

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Lien, you are one of my heroes. If I ever find myself writing a story in a category you're willing to review, I'm totally going to get you to read it.

I just want to say that I've noticed in a lot of Lit forum postings (not just this one) what seems to be a nearly (ahem) fetishistic devotion to the rule that one doesn't begin a sentence with And. Here's Robert Burchfield in the 1996 revision of good old Fowler:

"There is a persistent belief that it is improper to begin a sentence with And, but this prohibition has been cheerfully ignored by standard authors from Anglo-Saxon times onwards. An initial And is a useful aid to writers as the narrative continues."

I agree that it's possible to overdo it, but people should get over thinking of it as a mistake. Same with "But." Chaucer begins Book IV of Troilus and Criseyde, "But al to litel, weylaway the while, / Lasteth swich joye." It's one of the greatest transitions in all of English Literature.

Me Next!

Hey Lien,
I guess you could say I'm a new writer, I'm actually not really sure how new new is, but...

Anyway, I was wondering if you could give me some feedback here! I'm going to post all my stories (3) from my main series, but don't feel like you have to do all of them, you can do just the first one if you want (although the second is the highest rated).

Just want some constructive feedback, so feel free to post it here and lay it on me! I'm having a little stutter with the fourth installment so I'm hoping this can help isolate what made the first ones so easy for me to write.

Be warned, I do have a bit of a squirting fetish so that's there. Just in case.

www.literotica.com/s/in-love-with-my-best-friend
www.literotica.com/s/in-love-with-my-best-friend-ch-02
www.literotica.com/s/in-love-with-my-best-friend-ch-03

AND another thing!

Ok, here's a clarification on my beef with starting a sentence with the word and. First off, I'm not saying that it's a mistake that deserves a trip to the ninth level of writing hell. Can you get away with it? Sure you can. For one thing, I have no problem with it popping up in dialogue since people often do start utterances with it. There are also certain times in a regular narrative where it doesn't bother me much, especially if I've already been successfully attached to the characters and invested in the plot.

And the issue is that for me, as well as a lot of other people, we've had it drilled into our heads since primary school that you don't start a sentence with and lest ye shall be punished by the writing gods! So when a lot of people do see it we're immediately snapped out of the story and think to ourselves: "Hey! That guy started a sentence with the word and! Surely he's been tarred and feathered by angry Oxford literature graduates by now?"

And therein layeth the problem. Because whilst I'm thinking that, even if it only stops me for a fraction of a second, I'm no longer thinking about the story. When we read books, we're not really taking in each word. Reading and savouring each word like that is usually reserved for the realm of poetry. As story readers we're buzzing through the words as fast as we can and seeing the story in our heads. So anything that slows down the flow of the writing for the reader either needs to have a damned good reason for doing so or needs to be removed as quickly as possible.

And jacktar48 didn't really have a good reason to do it. In fact, he could have just removed the word completely and the sentence in question would have been fine. It was also in his first paragraph, and if you're going to stall your reader you sure as shit don't want it to be in your first paragraph.

And so there it is. I hope I've clarified it enough. It's not so much me being fershnickity about the technical side of things, but rather that being seen to break an "unwritten rule" of writing that many people know about for no reason just isn't worth the trouble it can cause to story flow and reader immersion.

And you know what? Maybe this isn't as big of an issue as I think it is and other people haven't been taught that starting out with and is such a bad thing. I'm just callin' it as I see it.

Lien_Geller said:

And therein layeth the problem. Because whilst I'm thinking that, even if it only stops me for a fraction of a second, I'm no longer thinking about the story.

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Good point, Lien, and thoughtful, as you always are. I'm a bit fussy in my own way: I didn't pause over the "And" in para. 1 of Jacktar's story, but I did over "went" in para. 3, where I'd have preferred "would go."

Yet I recognize that "went" is perfectly all right--just less formal.

Empire of the Stars.

Here's PennLady's Empires of the Stars.

Wow. So I'm kinda hoping this is a joke. ^_^

I once had a history teacher who asked me if he could copy one of my assignment papers for another class. I said: "Wow! Was it that good that you want other students to learn from my greatness?" and he said: "Er, no, I want to show them how to avoid mistakes in writing."

Reading this kind of reminded me of that moment. It's a showcase in how not to write genre fiction. If I ever teach a class on erotic writing, I'm going to make this essential reading.

By the way for anyone reading this post and thinking: "Wow, Lien's really just going all out here with the hate", then read the story. You'll understand.

I like how you first show off how infodumping can utterly ruin a good sci-fi story. I see so many new writers, and quite a few old ones if I'm honest, trying to show off their world like this. They get so excited about this cool creation that they've made, but they haven't put any real thought into plot or character and how it's going to advance. Their world is now the chief element in the narrative and everything else is in service to it.

"Yikes, I just mentioned the Effelbubs of House Surlup! That means I also have to tell the reader about their longstanding feud with the Burpin's and their age long war over the sea of shimmering cat poop! Argh! Now they're going to have to know that cat poop is a super valuable resource due to its high content of feline god powers endowed by the cat god Pussykins! Eek! But how will they get that unless I mention all the gods and their relatives over the nine generations that I planned out last wednesday?"

If you're writing sci-fi and fantasy and you're thinking along those lines of thought all the time then you're not doing it right. You're just writing a textbook, and it will be confusing at best and boring at worst.

The next mini-tale was another great example of a problem that writers in the genre run into a lot. Sci-fi and Fantasy are great mediums for putting complex real world issues into a mirror so that we can reflect on them without the scrutiny and problems that the real world so often brings with it. This leads a lot of fans of the genres who have started writing to take some theme or concept and start preaching like hell. It's a morality tale where there's only one answer and dammit how dare the reader disagree! There are piles of arguments where the writer is basically talking to themselves and knocking down all the straw men they can find! It's not a story anymore, it's a crusade. It's not about the characters, it's about the argument. It's about making a point! It's....fucking tedious.

You go on through all the facets of genre fiction and successfully demolish a lot of common mistakes that surface with budding writers of those genres. I loved the ridiculous names, and the author inserts throughout the story were hilarious. I could go on through each of the stories and point out all the flaws and do-nots in creating a compelling story that you're showing off, but I have my own stories to write and I lack the several months of free time that it would take.

Also, please for the love of the Sci-Fi God (or as he's more commonly known, Patrick Stewart), don't turn Empire of the Stars into a standalone story. I'd need a notebook for all those names. ^_^

Lien, "Empires of the Stars" was absolutely a joke. It was a little bit of poking fun at the contest, at the various genres, and even at myself.

The first bit is where I got goofiest with the names -- they are the names of actors and directors spelled backwards. Mota Nayoge is Atom Egoyan; Nitram Esesrocs is Martin Scorsese; Elgab = Gable; Sivad = Davis; Drofwarc = Crawford; Retxab = Baxter; N'nylf = Flynn (as in Errol).

For the first two stories I think the author is getting lost in detail and setting the mood. After that it's a lot of taking the common themes of different genres and going a bit to an extreme with the setting, the names or what have you.

But I do hope you laughed, or at least smiled, as that was the point. And thanks.

In Love With My Best Friend

After that short break, normal service is resumed presently!

So this is my review of Darnuses' In Love With My Best Friend. Sorry for the delay!

Your author's note at the start there has a small issue. It's just that first line about it being a story of "love and passion" and not for me if I'm looking for a quick way to get off. That comes across as slightly pretentious.

"I am Darnuses! I am all about the burning fires of the highest emotions! Do not look upon my tales if thou art merely looking for a cock-waggle!"

The truth is that I don't think any stories need warnings like these. I don't think if a writer made a really good story with compelling characters, a riveting plotline and steamy sex that someone would honestly think: "Well this is a story that's clearly all about love and passion! I wanted a story about hate and melancholy! A pox upon this writer!" Plus, as I said, it can come off as very holier than thou.

The rest of the author's note was fine by the way. The telling of what other categories are folded into the story was appreciated. I'd do the feedback request in an author's note after the story just to remind folks to comment if they could.

Alrighty then, let's get on with this.

The opening scene has some great momentum with the playful dialogue. I want to keep reading. I think you do run into a slight problem by saying the story is set in Vietnam. No offence to the Vietnamese, but if I see that then I'm sort of expecting a war story. This combined with your opening line immediately make me think of a platoon in the jungle coming under fire.

Instead I get a cute little dialogue about two teenagers looking at a monkey. It's not that it's bad, but I was sort of expecting to be punted in amidst a big load of conflict and I didn't get it. This made it a bit of a false start. This could easily be fixed by adding the date to the note about where they are.

Then we get to the hotel room and the exposition. He's broken up with his girlfriend and fallen in love with his best friend. There. That's one line. You take 3-4 paragraphs. It's not threatening to completely derail the story since you get back to the present soon enough, but a lot of what's mentioned seems important and I don't feel the impact of it as a reader. Keep stuff like this short and sweet or expand on it enough to let me feel the gut punch when his girlfriend breaks up with him and the balm created in his new love for Holly. Yours is long enough to take the momentum out of the story but not long enough to make me feel or relate to what's being said.

Ok, so now I'm at their first kiss and I'm seeing a slight problem with the story as a whole. That absence of the conflict I expected at the start of the story was forgivable since it was more my mistake than anything. Now I'm almost at the end of the first page and there's just no real conflict at all. If Holly was more enigmatic or reserved, or there was a situational conflict involved, then I might be more invested. This is just two people who clearly love each other taking the first step. There's no suggestion of any problems at all in the evolution of their story.

I wrote a kind of similar vibe in my own story, Unleashed. There wasn't really a lot of conflict in the relationship between the main 2 protagonists but there was quite a bit of it coming from elsewhere. The girl had a psychotic ex-boyfriend. She was also turning into a giant killer wolf, which can add a lot of strain to a relationship. I think you need stuff like this in order for a true lovey-dovey story to work. If there aren't really any problems to overcome, then why should I care?

A lot of what follows just doesn't exactly feel earned. When Holly refers to him as "my dirty lover" about 15 mins after declaring their unspoken love for her it really feels like things are just moving too fast. Again, there's been no conflict or tension in the plot that has led them to this point.

On the bright side, after all this the sex was very, very good. You roll between the various naughty acts on display very well. The only problem I had was with the dirty talk. You go from a couple who are all tickles and moonbeams one minute to cunt eaters and filthy sluts the next. It's a bit odd and unexpected. It could have done with a bit more sexual teasing before the culmination in bed that might have set up the dirty talk and the kinky sex to be more believable rather than just coming out of nowhere.

Despite it feeling slightly random, it was really hot!

I think that weirdly enough this isn't really a story about passion and love but rather works at its best when it is trying to get me off. It goes from sweetness and lollipops to full-scale hardcore porno at the drop of a hat. The latter works much better than the former. Because we haven't really seen the evolution of their relationship, or felt the connection between them in a meaningful way, much of the cutesy stuff loses its impact. That build-up also becomes much less important without any real conflict or problems for them to overcome. They don't need a shit load of melodrama, or stupid misunderstandings that rom-coms are so fond of. They do need some sort of conflict though, perhaps with an outside force. A disapproving parent, an ex-lover who tries to sabotage them, an added pressure of a job or a possible move away.

Anyhoo, that's what I thought of the first chapter. Hope it was at least remotely useful!

A-thankyou

No worries about the delay Lien, I was only checking in 14 times a day for a response.

As for the points made, all very good and I will take all of them into consideration! Your point about conflict is true, and while personally I don't feel like the first three really needed it, I think this is what's missing for me in fourth chapter so I'll try to work on that.

My author's note at the beginning was an embarrassing rambling from a first-time writer that I wish I could erase, so on that point I look at the ground and nod ever so slightly in your direction.

I think it's important to note that, for me, as possibly should have been stated in the author's note, this series is really about me: my perfect relationship, my perfect girl, in a scenario I find both romantically and sexually exciting. I probably didn't do a stellar job explaining that, but just to clarify, that's what's going on around here, so that's why the real lack of conflict. Of course in some areas I can definitely see where the lack of conflict hampers the story too though.

I'm going to assume the Vietnam War red herring was a little out of place then. Good to know.

Also, about the pacing issues, thank you for bringing the specifics to my attention! I've been feeling as though something about it has been a little off but you put into words quite nicely what needs to be done. Namely, making it "feel earned".

Anyway, thank you for the criticism, and I hope you enjoy the next two!

P.S. "I am Darnuses! I am all about the burning fires of the highest emotions! Do not look upon my tales if thou art merely looking for a cock-waggle!"
This is my new slogan for life.

I'll add another to the queue. As far as I remember, this one doesn't contain the customary out-of-place word (although I can't be sure )

You reviewed "How To Catch A Falling Star" earlier, which was meant to be a standalone story. However, the character kept nagging at me, so I wrote this one to further develop her.

I don't know if this falls under one of the things you don't like, but the sex here is fairly rough to start with. There is a brief bit of fisting (a couple of paragraphs).

Anyhow... here is the link if you're interested - http://www.literotica.com/s/the-day-the-music-died-1

The first bit of The Day The Music Died

Okie doke. Let's give LaRascasse's The Day The Music Died a shot.

Wow, huge author's note there. On the bright side it's actually a good one! There's humbleness to your readers and genuine thanks, information on the previous story where you used the same protagonist, and a note to let readers know of any potential turn-offs.

Just as an aside, you mentioned quite a few potential turn-off's for me there. If this gets too rough I'll just stop reviewing. (Future Lien here. I actually did stop reviewing this one, so brace yourself.)

I did note that fucking morbid quote by C.S. Lewis at the start. Pointless. Lose stuff like this. When you're selling 500,000 copies per month then feel free to indulge in all the quotes you want, until then it just comes off as really pretentious. Especially since you're starting off your story with a quote from one of the most beloved authors of all time. It's almost like you're comparing yourself to him. I knew C.S. Lewis, and you're no C.S. Lewis. (Not yet anyways ^_~) Hook me with your words. Not someone else's.

Then we begin with a short scene in which Heather wakes up from a one night stand. It sets up the tone well enough, but for me there's still no hook. She's a girl who had a one night stand. This is Literotica. I could find a bajillion one night stand stories out there. What makes yours special? What makes this character worth my time? Is this story going to be compelling? I'm getting no answers to these very important questions, only overly-vivid descriptions of the morning sun.

Let's keep going.

I liked the conversation between Heather and her boss. It was a good way to express some needed exposition whilst also conveying Heather's character to the reader. I get the antagonism between her and her boss and her caustic attitude keeps her redeemable whilst she's obviously about to try and defend someone quite irredeemable.

Aaaand now you've lost me as we go into the interview. I don't want a recollection of a brutal rape in my erotica. I know it's not very detailed and written as clinically as possible, but I don't like non-con. I also know it's not meant to arouse me, but it's such a thoroughly unarousing scene that I can't see how I'd enjoy the rest of the story. I'm not going to rip you a new one for doing it, but it's just not for me! I hope you understand.

Lien out! *Drops mic.*

Fair enough. Sorry I put you through that.

This is one of the stories not for the faint of heart, as you would have undoubtedly found out later. I kept all the unsavoury parts as abhorrent, rather than gratuitous. But yes, I understand your qualms about not wanting to read about non-con, even if it just mentioned as a past event.

lol, it's ok. I'm not traumatized or anything. I started this thread to try and help folks out, give more feedback than the average commenter and read more stories! The reason I don't review things like that is just because I have no taste for them. If you can't appreciate something then you can't criticize it!

It's nothing personal, and I have quite a bit of rhino skin these days. That doesn't mean that I willingly go charging into things I consider to be thorn bushes. ^_~

Giving this thread a little bump by this small query

I want to know if you'd like to review a story with action and a little bloodshed. The story is under construction right now, but I'd like to know beforehand.