How do you know?

I've been casually interested in the BDSM lifestyle for a while -the leather, the ropes, the role playing- but I'm having a hard time figuring out where and if I belong there. My problem is that I'm a fairly small, kind, and obliging sort of woman. I'm not really into causing serious pain (I don't consider biting and scratching serious) and I don't really want to scream abuse at anyone either. At the same time, I like being in control, I really like the idea of tying my partners up and teasing them mercilessly, and there is NOTHING about the sub lifestyle that appeals to me.

Is there such a thing as a softcore domme? Is dominance the kind of thing that can be taught, or does it have to come naturally? Did you always know your role, or did it take some experimenting?

Any kind of advice would be appreciated.

The vets will be in with good advice soon, but I can tell you that there are a million different ways to do BDSM, as hard or soft as you want. All that matters is that you and your partner enjoy it

There is no right or wrong, just as long as it is right within the dynamic of your individual relationship. As long as what you practise is safe both for you and your sub, knock your socks off.

Haha, I totally hear what you're saying. My problem is that I don't have a regular partner who's comfortable experimenting with me, so I've been doing as much soul-searching as I can to find out if this is something I want to pursue, and how I should go about pursuing it. I don't want to dive in head-first and end up seriously disappointing someone with my lack of experience.

Those hardcore dommes you're thinking of are male fantasies. They serve to bridge the gap between what some men want, which is total sexual service, and that other thing that they think women must be, namely pure and sexless madonnas. So they very cleverly create this role of a woman who is cold and uncaring towards them-- and expresses her dislike and disdain in ways that let him get off like a freight train. Who'da thunk it?

Pro Dommes, Dominatrixes etc-- are providing a service. To one degree or another, they subsume their needs in order to satisfy their paid customers. Any one of them you talk to will tell you this.

If you are planning to explore your dominant side for your own personal growth, then-- do it however you wish. I don't know any lifestyle dommes who scream at or abuse their submissive partners. Most ladies I know are ladies who care about their partners' happiness, and happen to know they are qualified to manage that. Not to mention their own.
Read the essay link in my signature -- it might be of interest to you

You don't have to love roller coasters to enjoy the theme park.

There are so many rides. If you stroll around, you'll find something that looks fun.

CreamOnBlackVelvet said:

I've been casually interested in the BDSM lifestyle for a while -the leather, the ropes, the role playing- but I'm having a hard time figuring out where and if I belong there.

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As others have suggested, there isn't just one "BDSM lifestyle". It's not so much a package deal as a buffet; if you want to do X and not Y, that's absolutely fine, and there's almost certainly somebody out there who wants the same. It's not a competition; the best domme is not the one who's doing the most extreme BDSM while hanging upside-down from a helicopter, but the one who's having fun and helping their partner to have fun.

My problem is that I'm a fairly small, kind, and obliging sort of woman. I'm not really into causing serious pain (I don't consider biting and scratching serious) and I don't really want to scream abuse at anyone either. At the same time, I like being in control, I really like the idea of tying my partners up and teasing them mercilessly, and there is NOTHING about the sub lifestyle that appeals to me.

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Kindness in a dom/me is a Good Thing, even if it sometimes makes it hard to give yourself permission to play. When somebody gives me permission to tie them up and hurt them, I'm responsible for their physical and mental well-being.

Is there such a thing as a softcore domme? Is dominance the kind of thing that can be taught, or does it have to come naturally? Did you always know your role, or did it take some experimenting?

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I'm not sure if a desire for dominance can be taught - but then it sounds as if you have that already. Technique and ideas, OTOH, can definitely be learned from others, and with some stuff (like safety) you're better off not reinventing the wheel.

I think it's whatever you want it to be. Much of what we read is FICTION remember. There is a whole rainbow out there. Me......mostly sub, but occasionally domme with the right person. It's about fun, pleasure and trust.

However you want to express your sexuality is fine. It doesn't matter if something's right according to the old guard, only if it's right for you. You should feel absolutely free to be a softcore domme.

CreamOnBlackVelvet said:

I've been casually interested in the BDSM lifestyle for a while -the leather, the ropes, the role playing- but I'm having a hard time figuring out where and if I belong there. My problem is that I'm a fairly small, kind, and obliging sort of woman. I'm not really into causing serious pain (I don't consider biting and scratching serious) and I don't really want to scream abuse at anyone either. At the same time, I like being in control, I really like the idea of tying my partners up and teasing them mercilessly, and there is NOTHING about the sub lifestyle that appeals to me.

Is there such a thing as a softcore domme? Is dominance the kind of thing that can be taught, or does it have to come naturally? Did you always know your role, or did it take some experimenting?

Any kind of advice would be appreciated.

Click to expand...

Simply stating, there are no rules of how you should be a domme. You just need to find you a submissive that likes the way you dom. As for your desires, if you have the desire to be a domme, that's fine. You can find a lot of information online about safe words, and other safety things, as well as implements of torment and other merciless things. All of that is only limited by your sexual desires, your imagination and the limits of your submissive.

If you want to go pro, that's a totally different ballgame. For some reason, most submissive men want to be degraded and treated like a substandard creature. At least those who end up paying for the service do. While I'm sure there is a scale to this like anything else, I wonder if you'd get much business being a softcore domme. But then, I'm not submissive, so maybe there is an appetite for such a thing out there.

If you want to see dommes in action, there is a shitload of videos out there to look at, and 99% of them are free. Just a search with your favorite search engine should bring up some of them. Understand that most of those videos will be pretty hard core. The audience seems to like it that way. There are also a lot of places online to buy your torture toys. Searching for specific implements by name will help you find that, too.

Check out our library for information that might help you with your quest.

CreamOnBlackVelvet said:

I've been casually interested in the BDSM lifestyle for a while -the leather, the ropes, the role playing- but I'm having a hard time figuring out where and if I belong there. My problem is that I'm a fairly small, kind, and obliging sort of woman. I'm not really into causing serious pain (I don't consider biting and scratching serious) and I don't really want to scream abuse at anyone either. At the same time, I like being in control, I really like the idea of tying my partners up and teasing them mercilessly, and there is NOTHING about the sub lifestyle that appeals to me.

Is there such a thing as a softcore domme? Is dominance the kind of thing that can be taught, or does it have to come naturally? Did you always know your role, or did it take some experimenting?

Any kind of advice would be appreciated.

Click to expand...

I'm rather new to D/s myself, I had ideas of what I wanted but no clear picture of how to accomplish it. I knew I wanted to be submissive. I'm far from a perfect sub, if there is such a thing, I'm not submissive 24/7 but my submissiveness isn't confined to the bedroom, at times I can be very submissive, other times while wanting to submit I can be very willful, other times I'm not the least bit submissive. I think I may actually be a switch as I do have some desire in that regard, just not with my partner. Is the love of my life, my wife and Domme the perfect Domme, for me yes, maybe more of a kinda yes, maybe she'd answer with a kinda yes for me or maybe she'd just say she lives with a crazy person.

It seems to me you have the type of personality, from what little you've written, which would work for me, I love to be restrained, rope bondage is something we're learning but cautiously. Although you may have a problem with my masochistic desires, Jessie has that problem too something we've worked around.

I think we all have to learn the many roles in life that fit us. I had to learn my role as wife, I had to learn my role as mother, I had to learn my role as an attorney and I even had to learn my many roles as friend and yes you have to learn your role as Domme and anyone who tells you they're a natural Dom/Domme is just full of shit. A person may have a dominate personality, likes to be in control is one of those traits, but that person has to have the desire to be a Dom/Domme first and then learn the role. In my opinion you need to learn to be the type of Domme that fits you and expand upon that to suit your partner's needs that don't exactly fit your own.

CreamOnBlackVelvet said:

Haha, I totally hear what you're saying. My problem is that I don't have a regular partner who's comfortable experimenting with me, so I've been doing as much soul-searching as I can to find out if this is something I want to pursue, and how I should go about pursuing it. I don't want to dive in head-first and end up seriously disappointing someone with my lack of experience.

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I'm assuming your hetero, kind of the default, so I have no suggestion on how to find a partner. The only thing I can suggest is to read, study and ask questions, this is a good place to ask questions, most of my questions were answered by reading threads where others had already asked what I wanted to know, just ignore the trolls. Someday you are going to dive in head-first and I'm sure at times you'll feel your drowning, that's OK, it's how we all learn. Be honest about your lack of hands on experience, if the person you pick is disappointed because you are new, I assure you he's the one with the problem not you.